Searching realities

[basil67]

On 2/14/2020 at 5:27 PM, ZA Dater said:

I don't have a fun side. 

What makes you laugh ZA?

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

What makes you laugh ZA?

Never really thought about it to be completely honest.

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Sorry you’re feeling down. I understand. Who is k? Could a case of unrequited interest be holding you back? 

 

Just a friend. I am taking big steps back at the moment and looking at dating as a whole and how it would fit into my life, do I have the life I want before I get involved in dating or do I need to build a better life before I even contemplate dating, what do I have to offer the dating world, what does it have to offer me. Am I able to attract the people I like, am I actually interested enough to keep going through this.

All questions I ask myself along with how can I improve and do I really want this.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Never really thought about it to be completely honest.

Ok, so when was the last time you laughed and what was it about?

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ok, so when was the last time you laughed and what was it about?

Can remember when I laughed, cant recall what it was about.

[an0nym0us123]

Sounds like the op has things he could do to improve his situation but these people who constantly harp on about looks being unimportant are just wrong. Looks/height/weight are major factors in attraction. Doesnt matter what your personality is, if the other person doesnt find you physically attractive your chances of getting anywhere with them are about as close to zero as you can get. 

[stillafool]

Looks have always been one of the most important factors in attracting a mate.  People from the past know that there are those who were born beautiful and those people have attracted whomever they wanted since grade school.  It's just the way it is.  Others have found worth in people whose looks were on the same scale as theirs, dated, married and had families with these people and lived happy lives.  They never felt deprived by not marrying the good looking high school quarterback or the beautiful head cheerleader, nor felt entitled to have someone with those looks.  Now it seems that people feel entitled to beautiful people no matter what they look like, how much money they make, what their social skills are or where they live.  To say that you can't find someone within your own league (because they don't want to date fat) is bull.  Not everyone within your league "looks wise" is fat.  There are women and men who may not have pretty faces but have decent bodies and great personalities.  There are overweight people within your league that have gorgeous faces and mad social skills.  To not give these people a chance screams of entitlement and I'm sure this is one of the leading reasons there are so many lonely, unhappy people.   IMHO, parents are making a mistake huge telling their kids they can have whatever they want and to never settle.  This is just not true for most people.  I don't know if social media, television, porn or all have contributed to this attitude; but I'm sure it's one of the root causes of depression in many.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Sounds like the op has things he could do to improve his situation but these people who constantly harp on about looks being unimportant are just wrong. Looks/height/weight are major factors in attraction. Doesnt matter what your personality is, if the other person doesnt find you physically attractive your chances of getting anywhere with them are about as close to zero as you can get. 

So how do you explain all those very average people who are in relationships?   Take your blinkers off. 

[Pat77]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

Looks have always been one of the most important factors in attracting a mate.  People from the past know that there are those who were born beautiful and those people have attracted whomever they wanted since grade school.  It's just the way it is.  Others have found worth in people whose looks were on the same scale as theirs, dated, married and had families with these people and lived happy lives.  They never felt deprived by not marrying the good looking high school quarterback or the beautiful head cheerleader, nor felt entitled to have someone with those looks.  Now it seems that people feel entitled to beautiful people no matter what they look like, how much money they make, what their social skills are or where they live.  To say that you can't find someone within your own league (because they don't want to date fat) is bull.  Not everyone within your league "looks wise" is fat.  There are women and men who may not have pretty faces but have decent bodies and great personalities.  There are overweight people within your league that have gorgeous faces and mad social skills.  To not give these people a chance screams of entitlement and I'm sure this is one of the leading reasons there are so many lonely, unhappy people.   IMHO, parents are making a mistake huge telling their kids they can have whatever they want and to never settle.  This is just not true for most people.  I don't know if social media, television, porn or all have contributed to this attitude; but I'm sure it's one of the root causes of depression in many.

I agree that nobody should feel entitled to anything but  I don’t beleive in strict leagues nor do I believe you should only go after whatever  someone thinks is your physical equivalent. 

Obviously  there’s extremes.. I’m not saying an obese guy should hold out for a supermodel but most people walking the streets are not 1’s nor 10’s there somewhere  in between.
 

I’ve dated gorgeous women people thought were way out of my league and women some people thought weren’t attractive and thought I could do say better.. I was affected equally to all of them.. you can’t predict who you’re gonna click with.. 

I find it odd people who measure everyone’s dating worth on their looks and that people should only go after people there exact “league” physically like there should be a looks case system people should stay in. there’s a lot more to people and as I said you can’t predict chemistry.. 

 

Edited February 19, 2020 by Pat77

[an0nym0us123]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

So how do you explain all those very average people who are in relationships?   Take your blinkers off. 

Everyone is different though, i can never see myself with someone i dont feel attracted to. I guess that means i will probably be alone for ever, maybe thats better than just settling for someone i dont like because she was all i could get. Thats not fair on her either.

I have actually been on a few dates with some pretty average looking women and tbh it did not make things any easier, the 2 or 3 i did actually want to see again ghosted before the second date. 

Im certainly not bitter towards them for rejecting me i would to tbh. I've even had someone fake a phone call from her friend about some made up crisis she was having just to get out of the date after an hour. But im sure everyone would tell me this was because of my horrible personality

[healing light]

Alright, I only hit page 3 of this thread. But I looked at your picture. You look exactly like this guy I was crazy about, the build, the face (from what I can tell), even down to the hair. The guy I liked was 5'7", too, so you might have him beat on the height, I don't know. And I have dated the model perfect "10 out of 10" six foot tall Mr. 6 Pack. 

I doubt looks are the issue here. You're not Shrek.

I'm unsure of why you seem so fixated on that part when it seems you are good-looking enough (from what I can surmise) to date at least some women that fit your criteria. What is coming across to me is that you sound pessimistic, bitter, and jaded in this thread. Really unhappy and like you expect the universe to take a massive dump on you. I think that's what the problem is. Sometimes you need to let go of what you really want and temporarily forget about it when it stresses you out to allow new energy and a more relaxed attitude to develop that will ironically then open up your options. You don't sound like you're in a good place mentally to date because you're too consumed with how no one you like will want you and how life sucks, etc. to realize all that you have going in your favor.

[Envy123]

21 hours ago, stillafool said:

Looks have always been one of the most important factors in attracting a mate.  People from the past know that there are those who were born beautiful and those people have attracted whomever they wanted since grade school.  It's just the way it is.  Others have found worth in people whose looks were on the same scale as theirs, dated, married and had families with these people and lived happy lives.  They never felt deprived by not marrying the good looking high school quarterback or the beautiful head cheerleader, nor felt entitled to have someone with those looks.  Now it seems that people feel entitled to beautiful people no matter what they look like, how much money they make, what their social skills are or where they live.  To say that you can't find someone within your own league (because they don't want to date fat) is bull.  Not everyone within your league "looks wise" is fat.  There are women and men who may not have pretty faces but have decent bodies and great personalities.  There are overweight people within your league that have gorgeous faces and mad social skills.  To not give these people a chance screams of entitlement and I'm sure this is one of the leading reasons there are so many lonely, unhappy people.   IMHO, parents are making a mistake huge telling their kids they can have whatever they want and to never settle.  This is just not true for most people.  I don't know if social media, television, porn or all have contributed to this attitude; but I'm sure it's one of the root causes of depression in many.

I only attract women who wouldn't look out of place on a magazine cover but "down to earth" women never give me the time of day. I'm mostly attracted to the latter and not the former, because I favour personality over looks. As an example, I'd prefer Gabriella Montez's intellect and charm over Sharpay's personality, for example, but in this analogy, Sharpay is ramping up the romantic interest and Gabriella is rather cold.

I really think it hasn't to do anything with looks but compatibility and attitude, as this happens no matter if I'm obese (like now) or thin.

Yes, my attitude is so different, depending on the type of women I am dealing with. I'm wary of the Sharpay type and I am myself and fully confident, while I am completely arrogant and possibly creepy to the Gabriella type, as I thought "better looks = less chances" when it is clearly nothing to do with looks.

 

[Content]

On 2/18/2020 at 9:02 AM, stillafool said:

Looks have always been one of the most important factors in attracting a mate.  People from the past know that there are those who were born beautiful and those people have attracted whomever they wanted since grade school.  It's just the way it is.  Others have found worth in people whose looks were on the same scale as theirs, dated, married and had families with these people and lived happy lives.  They never felt deprived by not marrying the good looking high school quarterback or the beautiful head cheerleader, nor felt entitled to have someone with those looks.  Now it seems that people feel entitled to beautiful people no matter what they look like, how much money they make, what their social skills are or where they live.  To say that you can't find someone within your own league (because they don't want to date fat) is bull.  Not everyone within your league "looks wise" is fat.  There are women and men who may not have pretty faces but have decent bodies and great personalities.  There are overweight people within your league that have gorgeous faces and mad social skills.  To not give these people a chance screams of entitlement and I'm sure this is one of the leading reasons there are so many lonely, unhappy people.   IMHO, parents are making a mistake huge telling their kids they can have whatever they want and to never settle.  This is just not true for most people.  I don't know if social media, television, porn or all have contributed to this attitude; but I'm sure it's one of the root causes of depression in many.

As someone else said you can’t explain chemistry. I don’t buy that you should only go for your physical equivalent which can be subjective anyway.

go for who you connect with.

 

[ZA Dater]

On ‎2‎/‎19‎/‎2020 at 12:05 PM, healing light said:

Alright, I only hit page 3 of this thread. But I looked at your picture. You look exactly like this guy I was crazy about, the build, the face (from what I can tell), even down to the hair. The guy I liked was 5'7", too, so you might have him beat on the height, I don't know. And I have dated the model perfect "10 out of 10" six foot tall Mr. 6 Pack. 

I doubt looks are the issue here. You're not Shrek.

I'm unsure of why you seem so fixated on that part when it seems you are good-looking enough (from what I can surmise) to date at least some women that fit your criteria. What is coming across to me is that you sound pessimistic, bitter, and jaded in this thread. Really unhappy and like you expect the universe to take a massive dump on you. I think that's what the problem is. Sometimes you need to let go of what you really want and temporarily forget about it when it stresses you out to allow new energy and a more relaxed attitude to develop that will ironically then open up your options. You don't sound like you're in a good place mentally to date because you're too consumed with how no one you like will want you and how life sucks, etc. to realize all that you have going in your favor.

The problem really is rejection has me beaten down. If I were good looking enough I would be getting better tinder matches, that's the barometer on which I rate my looks. Instead the matches I am getting are people I don't find attractive at all.

I am ease with the realities of the universe some days this is harder to bear than others. You would be correct I am bitter and jaded, again I have good reason to be so its pointless pretending I am not either of those things. If it were possible to care and not care I'd be in that space. Just today another set up date was mentioned to me, someone I am really not interested in at all, the irony is the person doing the setting up is also single so if the person is so perfect why are they dating that person...

A lot of what I feel comes from experiences I have had, sure, some of that is washing off now and I couldn't care less but there are maybe 5 or so people I met where I did want to get to date two, I did feel something for them but ultimately landed up on the scrap heap.

Dare I say this but a certain degree of "different" I find very attractive. However the fundamental problem for me is a lack of connection.

 

[Envy123]

Well, I look like an absolute slob. Double chin, beer belly, the works. But I do not come across as bitter or jaded towards the women I attract. I'm just indifferent to the chances of romance and none of my interactions with them actually push romance in the slightest. This confidence and non-neediness attracts certain women and they overlook the state of my body.

But I am in the same position as you, in terms of lack of connection. I am starting to think, though, that I have more in common with the women I attract than I thought before and I just haven't met the right woman yet. Trying to chase after the type of woman who is not attracted to me in the slightest - always ends up in disappointment and trying the same thing will still yield the same results.

In the end, it is mostly to do with demographics/personality/values more than anything. Looks can't be a part of it, as otherwise my situation is a complete paradox in terms of who I attract and don't attract.

[Miss Spider]

9 hours ago, Envy123 said:

Well, I look like an absolute slob. Double chin, beer belly, the works. But I do not come across as bitter or jaded towards the women I attract. I'm just indifferent to the chances of romance and none of my interactions with them actually push romance in the slightest. This confidence and non-neediness attracts certain women and they overlook the state of my body.

But I am in the same position as you, in terms of lack of connection. I am starting to think, though, that I have more in common with the women I attract than I thought before and I just haven't met the right woman yet. Trying to chase after the type of woman who is not attracted to me in the slightest - always ends up in disappointment and trying the same thing will still yield the same results.

In the end, it is mostly to do with demographics/personality/values more than anything. Looks can't be a part of it, as otherwise my situation is a complete paradox in terms of who I attract and don't attract.

But you said you’re not attracting the women you’re attracted to? Your Gabriella/Sharpay example doesn’t add clarity because I might argue Hudgens is more conventionally attractive than Tisdale, if you take everything else away.. So it sounded like what you’re more attracted to is  about looks, you just also happen to appreciate Gabriella’s style and personality (like her being lower maintenance) as well

Edited February 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Envy123]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

But you said you’re not attracting the women you’re attracted to? Your Gabriella/Sharpay example doesn’t add clarity because I might argue Hudgens is more conventionally attractive than Tisdale, if you take everything else away.. So it sounded like what you’re more attracted to is  about looks, you just also happen to appreciate Gabriella’s style and personality (like her being lower maintenance) as well

 

Yeah, it’s not the best analogy. It’s better to look at what happened in real life.

 

There are two girls, let’s call them Anna and Becky.

 

Anna’s face and skin really have taken a beating over the years. Blemishes and the occasional rash. She has a great figure and smile, so she’s not unattractive. But she has a fun positive personality and is very deep in terms of interests. But she doesn’t just like me in that way, she actively avoids me. 

Becky’s face and skin are clear as water and everything about her looks screams “model”. She gets a lot of attention from other men, including cat calls and whistling. But speaking to her is a very boring affair and I can only squeeze out two word answers a lot of the time. She’s nowhere as deep as Anna and despite her model looks, as a package, I don’t find her attractive. But she keeps ramping up the romantic interest and is very receptive towards me.

Before, I thought that because of my body, I should be realistic about the looks of my partner in theory. But theory turned out to be different to practice. Looking at the situation further, I can see why this is happening.

I’m arrogant at worst and shy at best with Anna and that turned her away. But I’m polite with Becky, don’t stammer and I definitely don’t do the rude stuff that other guys do with her (like cat calls, whistling and staring at her cleavage).

Realistically, interests wise, I have more in common with Becky than Anna. I just didn’t want to admit it before this thread.

I’ve dated people like Becky before and was sorely disappointed every time. Like the OP, the connection isn’t there. On the other hand, I feel like I can be myself with the Becky type while I’m a stammering mess with the Anna type. So I resorted to just continue what I do and hope I will find someone from that type who I do end up clicking with.

[Miss Spider]

Oh okay. I understand what you mean a bit more and think I can relate. I consider people as a package,. The physical needs to be there,  but the emotional and mental are just as important, if more so. I’m at a point in my life now where I attract men of all different types, but a lot of them I admittedly have very common with them beyond maybe finding them attractive. It makes me feel makes me realize it’s completely shallow and feels like something’s missing every time. Also, I understand not being confident or yourself around people can be a problem for people. They attract people they don’t like just fine haha. . Anyway, thanks for clarifying! 

Edited February 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Envy123 said:

Realistically, interests wise, I have more in common with Becky than Anna. I just didn’t want to admit it before this thread.

I’ve dated people like Becky before and was sorely disappointed every time. Like the OP, the connection isn’t there. On the other hand, I feel like I can be myself with the Becky type while I’m a stammering mess with the Anna type. So I resorted to just continue what I do and hope I will find someone from that type who I do end up clicking with.

I can relate to a lot of you post but I will admit I wouldn't mind dating someone very attractive at least once....that's the thing with me I want the best experience I can find and some level that's superficial and I don't mind admitting that. The best experience in that I find her really physically attractive. Yes personality is important but its difficult for me to find either personality or physical attraction.

There is never much interest in me.

I am actually considering a trip somewhere to see if I would do any better in a different environment.

[Miss Spider]

ZA it very well could be your location. I had been browsing invisibly through many pages of men in my city and none of them were doing much for me. I moved my search to another city and so many hot, interesting men. Moving for dating sounds crazy, but people move all the time to better their life, so

[Miss Spider]

“So many” might be an exaggeration...Like 3, but that’s a vast improvement to 0

[Envy123]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I’m at a point in my life now where I attract men of all different types, but a lot of them I admittedly have very common with them beyond maybe finding them attractive. 

Interesting - for me, it's always the same type of woman. She always has men being vulgar towards her, talks about her life in detail on social media and lots of selfies.

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I can relate to a lot of you post but I will admit I wouldn't mind dating someone very attractive at least once....that's the thing with me I want the best experience I can find and some level that's superficial and I don't mind admitting that.

Well, I can say that my situation happens only offline and never online. And it helps that I am in London where there are a lot of women and one can try out different techniques relatively discretely.

[ZA Dater]

For me I am chasing something relatively simple: for someone I find attractive to find me attractive.

[serene53]

Maybe you are too stuck on the superficial? More often than not I find myself attracted to guys I wouldn't usually think attractive initially. Because some of those men turn out to be fun and given the choice I always prefer someone fun and who might not win a beauty contest to someone superficially attractive and dull. I dated a lot of those initially attractive men because I also fall for looks. However, I felt no desire to see them a second time. Really, the conversation was so trivial that I might as well be talking to a bot. I am not saying that you have to go for the obese women, but to give the women a chance you don't like at first. I think we all tend to start liking those  people whose company we enjoy.

Don't give up on love just because it's taking its time to find you. 

[Envy123]

The trouble with me is that I tend to become either arrogant with my chances with women I deem on my attraction level or a stammering wreck. But I am more comfortable when around women who may win a beauty contest, as I am more humble about my chances and am not afraid to be myself with them.

I personally prefer personality over looks too.