Searching realities

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, chillii said:

Personally l find it boarderline insulting when an overweight woman expects a guy in shape , and some kid of entitled bs to tbh, when she can't even be bothered looking after herself for him.

 

You know that men do this too?   I don't find it bordeline insuling though...I just know he'll be single for a loooong time.

[chillii]

Well that's true l suppose.

[Foxhall]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I pretty much hardly ever smile at all.

this here- your problem might be easily fixed- you need to put a woman at ease to have any chance- so its perhaps that you are coming across as too intense and stressed which is a turn off for many women,

you would be best suited to an educated girl who can hold intellectual conversations with you and you also want a stunner which is fair enough!

perhaps the women you are meeting are not putting you at ease either, it works both ways 

Ive always needed help from the woman too in that regard but have been lucky enough I suppose in meeting women like that,(well the odd one here and there)

I doubt you are planning a trip to Budapest, Hungary, anytime soon, but I could put you in touch with a lady there who would give you some pointers,boost your confidence

Anyway your an articulate guy, its only a matter of time before you click id say,

there is always the filipino/thai bride option too if you dont get lucky.

[Interstellar]

You look like a recent U.S. Marine recruit who just got back from Parris island. Looking all tough yet sensitive like James Dean huh? kidding...

If you look at YouTube videos on how to take nice photos of yourself one advice is to try looking away from the camera, you know that sideways glance shot, there’s also too much sunlight behind you and it reflects on your pale skin which affects the quality and detail of your photograph giving off that washed out look. Also, the white t shirt and jeans you’re going for would go well with a black and white filter.

Just pay for a professional photographer man, and wear a nice suit. You’ll get more likes that way. 

Edited January 27, 2020 by Interstellar

[ZA Dater]

47 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

You look like a recent U.S. Marine recruit who just got back from Parris island. Looking all tough yet sensitive like James Dean huh? kidding...

If you look at YouTube videos on how to take nice photos of yourself one advice is to try looking away from the camera, you know that sideways glance shot, there’s also too much sunlight behind you and it reflects on your pale skin which affects the quality and detail of your photograph giving off that washed out look. Also, the white t shirt and jeans you’re going for would go well with a black and white filter.

Just pay for a professional photographer man, and wear a nice suit. You’ll get more likes that way. 

I don't wear suits ever. Wasn't supposed to be a professional photograph but it is one of the better ones I have.

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I doubt you are planning a trip to Budapest, Hungary, anytime soon, but I could put you in touch with a lady there who would give you some pointers,boost your confidence

Anyway your an articulate guy, its only a matter of time before you click id say,

there is always the filipino/thai bride option too if you dont get lucky.

I need to put them at ease but they don't put any effort to do the same. There have been some great dates where this did happen but its very rare, purely because women don't need to put in that sort of effort when there is another date a swipe away. The same would apply to the guys who have universal appeal.

I have enjoyed dates with a politician and a yoga instructor so I wouldn't say there is anything really specific in terms of type of person.

Friend of mine did the whole "Thai" holiday thing, zero appeal to me, Budapest would appeal more but honestly what I am accomplishing when I get back here and to more of the same.

[some_username1]

21 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Plenty of people don’t like brushing their hair but they do it. Plenty of people don’t going to work but they do it. ZA, it’s been like 4 years (that I’ve known you) that you’ve been complaining about the same dating stuff but refuse to do much in the way of changing things, man. Glad you stopped wearing baggy  clothes, but I mean would you go out with a woman who had a sour look on her face in all pics? When we look at someone we want to feel like this is someone we would get along with and enjoy being around when we finally meet them. Your photo doesn’t evoke that. 

It’s not as simple as that though unfortunately. I can empathise with OP because I can’t smile in my pics, well I can, I’ve got all my teeth, I just look like a complete goofball in pictures so no amount of “fixing my teeth” will have any effect, it’s my smile itself. When I smile with no teeth I take about 10 years off my age and look really passive. Considering I look young for my age anyway making myself look even younger is suicide. It’s like the inverse problem that women have on OLD. So I’m forced to project the stern/moody look but softening it with humour in my bio. 
 

So I think you can get away without smiling but you have to theme your profile accordingly with the right clothes/location etc (which OP is not doing from what I can tell) and also accepting that you aren’t going to maximise your matches because a lot of women would prefer a guy with a cheesy smile. Sadly not everyone can pull that off in photos.

[ZA Dater]

28 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

It’s not as simple as that though unfortunately. I can empathise with OP because I can’t smile in my pics, well I can, I’ve got all my teeth, I just look like a complete goofball in pictures so no amount of “fixing my teeth” will have any effect, it’s my smile itself. When I smile with no teeth I take about 10 years off my age and look really passive. Considering I look young for my age anyway making myself look even younger is suicide. It’s like the inverse problem that women have on OLD. So I’m forced to project the stern/moody look but softening it with humour in my bio. 
 

So I think you can get away without smiling but you have to theme your profile accordingly with the right clothes/location etc (which OP is not doing from what I can tell) and also accepting that you aren’t going to maximise your matches because a lot of women would prefer a guy with a cheesy smile. Sadly not everyone can pull that off in photos.

Yes, is it not amazing to get rejected because of a smile yet those same women say men must give women a chance. Amazing really. I look like a complete idiot with a toothy smile. At the end of the day is dating really worth it, well I suppose dying alone cant be much fun. being lonely cant be much fun but millions suffer both those fates which once again goes to prove my point that the entire foundation is BS and its governed by the huge amount of power most women yield.

Look I have had nice dates, some, not many but some but whatever I did wasn't enough so again why bother when there is no discernible difference at 36 than there was at 26? Its easy to park all the blame at my feet but I am really entirely to blame, I think not. Yes I have fairly fundamental problems which cannot be overcome but perhaps the biggest problem is my unwavering belief in the goodness of the person next to me, which really isn't true. These dates don't care about rejecting, its like sending a plate of food back because well a new date is a match away.

What I am saying is no matter what form I present there will ALWAYS be some issue ALWAYS something petty she wont like. In the light of this are unconventional dating mechanisms so bad?

I can go out be positive, enjoy my work but ultimately until I have had the experience I want dating will always irritate me and everything about it. In this respect I am similar to another poster here and many other besides. Where are the decent looking women who struggle at dating, the answer is there are few of them because women mostly don't struggle at all, if they struggle its not through lack of choice its through lack of connection or suchlike, the bottom line is they have available choice. I do not have any available choice.

[Miss Spider]

2 hours ago, some_username1 said:

It’s not as simple as that though unfortunately. I can empathise with OP because I can’t smile in my pics, well I can, I’ve got all my teeth, I just look like a complete goofball in pictures so no amount of “fixing my teeth” will have any effect, it’s my smile itself. When I smile with no teeth I take about 10 years off my age and look really passive. Considering I look young for my age anyway making myself look even younger is suicide. It’s like the inverse problem that women have on OLD. So I’m forced to project the stern/moody look but softening it with humour in my bio. 
 

So I think you can get away without smiling but you have to theme your profile accordingly with the right clothes/location etc (which OP is not doing from what I can tell) and also accepting that you aren’t going to maximise your matches because a lot of women would prefer a guy with a cheesy smile. Sadly not everyone can pull that off in photos.

Hey I understand that completely. I don’t think it’s necessary to be cheese out in all your pics. I just went to my OkCupid messages to look at the guys I’m talking to and there are actually more not smiling than smiling in their main pic. I think I also read some study that said women are more attracted to men not smiling in pictures. I think I’d like to see at least one smile pic, but if the guy’s vibe is more neutral, as long as it captures who he is in a pleasant way, it’s whatever. 

However, and I hope this is taken as constructive as it’s intended, I don’t think OP’s expression in the picture captures him in a pleasant way. I don’t think it’s just neutral, serious,  or broody in a sexy way. He looks uncomfortable and not relaxed. What I am basically saying is I don’t think the expression/pose he has in this pic makes him look the best he could look. Others here have agreed and he is also seeing a lack of success/more success when he crops his head off, so I don’t see why it wouldn’t be worth trying different looks because he isn’t an unattractive guy. 

 

 

Edited January 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[guy45]

I'll be honest with you ZA Dater, you're a good looking guy based on your pic.I think OLD is not doing you any good. I think you should make it a goal for 2020 to socialize with as many people as you can that you meet in the real world.

Look at the people on these sites. There's like what 100 or 1000 possible matches at most in cities that have millions of people in them? I believe that if all of the single people were all on these dating sites then the matching would be far more fair, but let's face it, the pool of people is usually very limited on dating sites or apps.

This causes great competition for the "high quality" people on there. Don't worry about being single, it's better to wait and be patient for what you truly want which is someone you find attractive.

As a side note : I think OLD is scewing everyone's idea of reality

Edited January 27, 2020 by guy45

[chillii]

Yeah , l dunno what the hell all the craps about either , you look alright , fine in fact, seen plenty around of much worse with women , it's typical in fact. And one thing all the threads all over ls keep forgetting is , again , like l must've said it 200 times ,  only a very small percentage of people in RL , and actually even more so on date sites , are actually great looking people. l mean that's the real reality out in the real world but the way everyone bangs on around ls about attractiveness, jezuz , it's like 90% of the world are movie stars yet reality is actually vise verse to that.

The smile thing , no not talking about running around with some stupid fake grin, but what l was saying is when your around a woman , or even just in general interaction at work , women, life , warm up a bit , but especially on a date,. no one likes a serious miserable bastard but women especially, need to feel something from you. Matter of fact they can actually be very defensive and l'd be betting the way your saying they don't give that off to you could even be defense mode from the vibe your giving of to them in the first place.

Believe me they'll pick that up on sight, talking split seconds. So when you meet her you might think she's like this or that , but she could well already be actually reacting to your seriousness , before you've even said hello. And she'll pick up any of the what sounds like judgemental stuff you might be putting out just as quickly too.

 

Edited January 27, 2020 by chillii

[ZA Dater]

On ‎1‎/‎27‎/‎2020 at 11:13 PM, guy45 said:

I'll be honest with you ZA Dater, you're a good looking guy based on your pic.I think OLD is not doing you any good. I think you should make it a goal for 2020 to socialize with as many people as you can that you meet in the real world.

Look at the people on these sites. There's like what 100 or 1000 possible matches at most in cities that have millions of people in them? I believe that if all of the single people were all on these dating sites then the matching would be far more fair, but let's face it, the pool of people is usually very limited on dating sites or apps.

This causes great competition for the "high quality" people on there. Don't worry about being single, it's better to wait and be patient for what you truly want which is someone you find attractive.

As a side note : I think OLD is scewing everyone's idea of reality

Extremely difficult to be honest. The trick I missed in life was seeing the need to have friends, I have always been very focused on what I want to accomplish that friends never really fitted in with that, sure I maybe have three I see sporadically but most weekends are spent on my own mostly.

I think realistically what I want doesn't actually exist, however I have on extremely rare occasions met people who come close but as with everything those people have lots of options and I don't stack up against competition so going after them is totally pointless. My worry is I am too far down the single for life road, each passing year the choices become less and less attractive, I have to live with this reality, I wanted the carefree 20's instead I chose a plan with ultimately did not work. I am useless at flirting and the combination of shy and little charm isn't one that sells.

Probably the best experience was spending a day with someone really stunning, mundane things, lunch, shopping and just chatting, she has an amazing personality but at the end of the day she met me because she wanted to try help me find confidence and it remains the nicest thing any lady has ever done for me.

When it comes to dating I have to say I have nothing to look forward to. Better pictures have yielded nobody I find attractive and there is no compatibility either. More than that I cant really find much enthusiasm for it either, not when logic says for a heck of a lot of money I can spend time with someone extremely attractive who will give me all the attention I want, albeit fake. I'd never go down that road but when I see what I can actually date and the absolute struggle it is to find someone attractive then an arrangement like that would probably give me 50% of what I want but not the 50% which matters.

The reality for me is when I am out its no different to Tinder, what I find attractive doesn't give me the time of day, sure last year I met two people off Tinder I did find attractive and like but neither were into me so I sit and try figure out why, waste of time. Both are still single.

I just think some people never get this right and I am one of them.

[guy45]

34 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Extremely difficult to be honest. The trick I missed in life was seeing the need to have friends, I have always been very focused on what I want to accomplish that friends never really fitted in with that, sure I maybe have three I see sporadically but most weekends are spent on my own mostly.

I think realistically what I want doesn't actually exist, however I have on extremely rare occasions met people who come close but as with everything those people have lots of options and I don't stack up against competition so going after them is totally pointless. My worry is I am too far down the single for life road, each passing year the choices become less and less attractive, I have to live with this reality, I wanted the carefree 20's instead I chose a plan with ultimately did not work. I am useless at flirting and the combination of shy and little charm isn't one that sells.

Probably the best experience was spending a day with someone really stunning, mundane things, lunch, shopping and just chatting, she has an amazing personality but at the end of the day she met me because she wanted to try help me find confidence and it remains the nicest thing any lady has ever done for me.

When it comes to dating I have to say I have nothing to look forward to. Better pictures have yielded nobody I find attractive and there is no compatibility either. More than that I cant really find much enthusiasm for it either, not when logic says for a heck of a lot of money I can spend time with someone extremely attractive who will give me all the attention I want, albeit fake. I'd never go down that road but when I see what I can actually date and the absolute struggle it is to find someone attractive then an arrangement like that would probably give me 50% of what I want but not the 50% which matters.

The reality for me is when I am out its no different to Tinder, what I find attractive doesn't give me the time of day, sure last year I met two people off Tinder I did find attractive and like but neither were into me so I sit and try figure out why, waste of time. Both are still single.

I just think some people never get this right and I am one of them.

I'm gonna give you some advice that will help you. First off, I believe you lack confidence, so as of right now you will be confident, it sounds ridiculous but just give yourself this gift of confidence.

Next you need to learn how to initiate a conversation out of thin air. "Wow the weather sure is looking good today", "Hey I read that same book last year", "What do you recommend I should order?"

Next you need to meet people in the real world. You said it's extremely difficult, its actually not you just have no idea where to meet people. A lack of knowledge does not equal something being difficult. Take a salsa class, see pretty simple right?

I would recommend you take a long break from online dating, all of the unnecessary rejection on there will drain your confidence.

 

[ZA Dater]

16 hours ago, guy45 said:

Next you need to meet people in the real world. You said it's extremely difficult, its actually not you just have no idea where to meet people. A lack of knowledge does not equal something being difficult. Take a salsa class, see pretty simple right?

I would recommend you take a long break from online dating, all of the unnecessary rejection on there will drain your confidence.

 

Thanks, though I wish it was as easy as saying "I have confidence"......the thing is I don't see much meaningful conversation just happening, this can work IF you have the requisite charm to go along with it, I have seen good looking able to chat ladies with the most boring type of conversation because well they are good looking and they can deliver boring conversation in a charismatic way.

Ultimately I think that is the key, ladies want to be charmed, they want to feel wanted, they seemingly want to be the centre of that particular conversation, they want to smile and laugh, apparently those things are endearing.

My own ability to do those things is very limited, so its mostly a lost battle from the start, yes I will try from time to time, very rarely but its like putting together  a puzzle with your eyes closed, the pieces never quite fit. Which is ostensibly the problem, I don't in with other people. I like cars so I attempted to go out with a "car girl" that didn't work at all, why because I was so awkward when I asked it was like a 16yo asking out someone for the first time. I don't have enough experience.

Arguably its ok to not be able to read at age 7, less so at age 17, which is why my lack of dating experience at nearly 36 is very, very hard/impossible to excuse away, especially when it is very obvious.

OLD is the only sort of platform where I find any sort of "success", cant really interpret it as success but I suppose getting a date now and then is success even if it takes like 6 years to get a date with someone I actually find attractive.

A lot of that is probably me and my inability to connect with people, to be fair I have never really connected with people, even when I was at school I hardly had lots of friends. In my mind my inability to find dates is really a function of an inability to find friends.

 

[guy45]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Thanks, though I wish it was as easy as saying "I have confidence"......the thing is I don't see much meaningful conversation just happening, this can work IF you have the requisite charm to go along with it, I have seen good looking able to chat ladies with the most boring type of conversation because well they are good looking and they can deliver boring conversation in a charismatic way.

Ultimately I think that is the key, ladies want to be charmed, they want to feel wanted, they seemingly want to be the centre of that particular conversation, they want to smile and laugh, apparently those things are endearing.

My own ability to do those things is very limited, so its mostly a lost battle from the start, yes I will try from time to time, very rarely but its like putting together  a puzzle with your eyes closed, the pieces never quite fit. Which is ostensibly the problem, I don't in with other people. I like cars so I attempted to go out with a "car girl" that didn't work at all, why because I was so awkward when I asked it was like a 16yo asking out someone for the first time. I don't have enough experience.

Arguably its ok to not be able to read at age 7, less so at age 17, which is why my lack of dating experience at nearly 36 is very, very hard/impossible to excuse away, especially when it is very obvious.

OLD is the only sort of platform where I find any sort of "success", cant really interpret it as success but I suppose getting a date now and then is success even if it takes like 6 years to get a date with someone I actually find attractive.

A lot of that is probably me and my inability to connect with people, to be fair I have never really connected with people, even when I was at school I hardly had lots of friends. In my mind my inability to find dates is really a function of an inability to find friends.

 

If you do meet the right woman then how will you be able to socialize with her? Since you said you have an inability to connect with people.

You really need to work on your social skills, its a trend for people on here to complain a lot but not do anything towards improving themselves. Regardless, you can accomplish all of your goals as long as you are dedicated to what you want. Don't underestimate yourself.

[elaine567]

26 minutes ago, guy45 said:

You really need to work on your social skills, its a trend for people on here to complain a lot but not do anything towards improving themselves.

In a nutshell.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, guy45 said:

If you do meet the right woman then how will you be able to socialize with her? Since you said you have an inability to connect with people.

You really need to work on your social skills, its a trend for people on here to complain a lot but not do anything towards improving themselves. Regardless, you can accomplish all of your goals as long as you are dedicated to what you want. Don't underestimate yourself.

I'll keep doing what I enjoy and what I am good at. My business social skills are good enough, at the end of that day that's all that really matters. I am dedicated to things I think I can actually do, I don't believe I can do dating and there is little to suggest I can.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, guy45 said:

If you do meet the right woman then how will you be able to socialize with her?

Because I am never going to meet this person. There will always be some deal killer, lack of experience, face, picture and any number of issues which will just make sure I get rejected. It been that way for 20 years and I don't expect it to ever change. Unfortunately I have acquired because of that a very jaded view of ladies, there are some who really did try to help but I was never a dating prospect for them, though to their credit they were at least nice to me which is more than I can say for most.

I get it, ladies want what they want much like I want what I want so when I get rejected its because I don't align to what they want, basically its just a game, some guys play this better than others, I have a friend who can charm virtually anyone yet he tell me he lacks confidence..... some guys just have this gift and others like me don't. I tell thing how I see them, mostly with tact, sometimes without. Sugar coating isn't something I do a lot of because to me its inefficient and distorts facts.

Deleted all my OLD profiles which felt both good and sad, good because I don't need to see anymore un attractive matches and bad because effectively I will get no dates now at all because well  I don't go out and when I do nobody is single. I guess I just overthink a lot and being exposed to the most pretty means I have a fairly warped view on what I think it attractive, like eating Swiss Chocolate, once you had had that you don't really want some generic chocolate. Its basically how I see life, a game of trying to do better each day at whatever I attempt on that day. Dating is the same, with a few exceptions, K, the horse rider and the politics lady I met last year, all three of those captivated me, none were interested in me.

Perhaps the thing I don't regret the most is just giving up chasing, I cant chase that pretty lady because well there are 20 guys also chasing here so I am never going to win that, this game it seems is about deriving some sort of strategy to make yourself attractive or more so than everyone else, again I just have nothing to work with here.

Its Friday evening and I am typing this, listing to the wind instead of going out, where must I go out to and why? There is nowhere to go and nobody who is interested in awkward me but at least some people do try and help, albeit from in some cases thousands of miles away.

[guy45]

23 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Because I am never going to meet this person. There will always be some deal killer, lack of experience, face, picture and any number of issues which will just make sure I get rejected. It been that way for 20 years and I don't expect it to ever change. Unfortunately I have acquired because of that a very jaded view of ladies, there are some who really did try to help but I was never a dating prospect for them, though to their credit they were at least nice to me which is more than I can say for most.

I get it, ladies want what they want much like I want what I want so when I get rejected its because I don't align to what they want, basically its just a game, some guys play this better than others, I have a friend who can charm virtually anyone yet he tell me he lacks confidence..... some guys just have this gift and others like me don't. I tell thing how I see them, mostly with tact, sometimes without. Sugar coating isn't something I do a lot of because to me its inefficient and distorts facts.

Deleted all my OLD profiles which felt both good and sad, good because I don't need to see anymore un attractive matches and bad because effectively I will get no dates now at all because well  I don't go out and when I do nobody is single. I guess I just overthink a lot and being exposed to the most pretty means I have a fairly warped view on what I think it attractive, like eating Swiss Chocolate, once you had had that you don't really want some generic chocolate. Its basically how I see life, a game of trying to do better each day at whatever I attempt on that day. Dating is the same, with a few exceptions, K, the horse rider and the politics lady I met last year, all three of those captivated me, none were interested in me.

Perhaps the thing I don't regret the most is just giving up chasing, I cant chase that pretty lady because well there are 20 guys also chasing here so I am never going to win that, this game it seems is about deriving some sort of strategy to make yourself attractive or more so than everyone else, again I just have nothing to work with here.

Its Friday evening and I am typing this, listing to the wind instead of going out, where must I go out to and why? There is nowhere to go and nobody who is interested in awkward me but at least some people do try and help, albeit from in some cases thousands of miles away.

ZA Dater,

I have a friend and oh boy this guy is not good looking at all. Yet some how he has a girlfriend which is thin and super good looking. To this day I still don't understand what she sees in him, he's not in shape nor is he rich. Where did they meet? In real life, not online. Had he tried to meet someone similar online it would have probably never happened.

 

[ZA Dater]

21 minutes ago, guy45 said:

ZA Dater,

I have a friend and oh boy this guy is not good looking at all. Yet some how he has a girlfriend which is thin and super good looking. To this day I still don't understand what she sees in him, he's not in shape nor is he rich. Where did they meet? In real life, not online. Had he tried to meet someone similar online it would have probably never happened.

 

Glad it happened for him, it certainly doesn't happen where I live, call it a cross between Monaco, Laguna beach and Beverley Hill's. It's my home though.

[basil67]

48 minutes ago, guy45 said:

To this day I still don't understand what she sees in him, he's not in shape nor is he rich. 

 

Could it be that she's not shallow and he's a good bloke?  

[guy45]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

Could it be that she's not shallow and he's a good bloke?  

I wish I knew lol

[basil67]

Would be interesting to see what ZA writes.  All he's commented on is the guys' appearance and wealth.....but who is this guy underneath?

[SumGuy]

9 hours ago, guy45 said:

I wish I knew lol

He’s your friend so wouldn’t you have a guess?  I assume you are his friend not based on his looks or money.  
Or you could just ask him what she likes most about him.   
I know, crazy talk.  

[guy45]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

He’s your friend so wouldn’t you have a guess?  I assume you are his friend not based on his looks or money.  
Or you could just ask him what she likes most about him.   
I know, crazy talk.  

He's got a good uplifting personality and seems fairly confident too. I would ask him, but I don't want him to get offended by my question, and plus we're not that close of friends.