Searching realities

[ZA Dater]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

Would be interesting to see what ZA writes.  All he's commented on is the guys' appearance and wealth.....but who is this guy underneath?

I'd say I never encountered that particular scenario. Honestly I don't think it seems to matter who the guy is underneath most of the time so long as they get along, he makes her feel good, she appeals to his superficial side.

Of course most of what I say on this will just be interpreted as me being bitter but honestly I have been around long enough, looked long enough to deduce MOST of the time its charm that opens door, if you don't have that a modicum of charm and money will help, if you don't have money looks will definitely help. I am often slammed for how I perceive things but again I only have those perceptions because of my own experiences.

My guess is this guy has a certain degree of charm and attributes that ladies really want so yes he can date the better looking ones because he appeals to what they are looking for. Obviously one can try and be charming and sometimes I do but my dry sense of humour doesn't ever really work, it did for a time but I eventually lost interest in her before even meeting her.

My approach is probably wrong but my take at the moment is, will a lady really improve my life? What advantages does it bring me versus the complications? My inherent problem is I regret too much when it comes to dating, regret decisions made 15 years so, things I cannot change now. All dating for me has been endless rejection, nothing about it has made me feel good, I have a friend zone with someone and in most respect I prefer that to any date I have ever been on, I regret not being able to go on a second date with some of the people I did like, I regret maybe not making more of the attractive but very drunk date I had once. Its very hard to get away from inexperience, harder yet for it not to be obvious, ladies are perceptive and they pick that up very quickly.

Look I have been to dinners, coffees etc. with probably 200 people and the frustrating thing is very few of those people really appealed physically and intellectually. At the moment I am fighting an internal battle because the pay idea does appeal, purely because then I can at least choose but morally I just cant. When I look at the pay options I also know I'd never ever be able to get those sort of ladies.

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, guy45 said:

He's got a good uplifting personality and seems fairly confident too. I would ask him, but I don't want him to get offended by my question, and plus we're not that close of friends.

I think you have your answer right there.  People who bring life, who uplift us, who doesn't want that?  We don't only feel good, but are our better selves.  Fairly confident, but not arrogant is also highly attractive.  

[elaine567]

I knew a guy with cerebral palsy who had a bad limp, a semi-paralysed arm, a mild speech problem and unfortunately a face that only a mother could love.
He was very intelligent, very upbeat and charming and had a good professional job. He was a very popular guy.
His disability never held him back
He married a  beautiful thin "hot" girl, who was a lovely person and intelligent too.
It was obvious they adored each other, they were very happy and it was a real love match...

I also have know a lot of beautiful women, whose gfs/husbands/partners were  "nothing special". in charm, looks or money...
Women are individuals, what appeals to one may not appeal to others... 

[preraph]

I know a guy with a limp from polio who is super hot and always popular with the ladies.  He also achieved minor celebrity status. 

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I knew a guy with cerebral palsy who had a bad limp, a semi-paralysed arm, a mild speech problem and unfortunately a face that only a mother could love.
He was very intelligent, very upbeat and charming and had a good professional job. He was a very popular guy.
His disability never held him back
He married a  beautiful thin "hot" girl, who was a lovely person and intelligent too.
It was obvious they adored each other, they were very happy and it was a real love match...

I also have know a lot of beautiful women, whose gfs/husbands/partners were  "nothing special". in charm, looks or money...
Women are individuals, what appeals to one may not appeal to others... 

Well I can tell you I am glad that that does happen because it sure has not been something I have been exposed to. New photos and guess what the same matches I do not want. I just give up. Clearly my pictures appeal to that sort of person.

[bene]

I see no horrible fundamental physical flaw in your picture that should prevent you from getting dates. So you could set that idea aside that there is something wrong with your physical looks. You look somewhat uncomfortable in the photo and I think your overall attitude translates into interaction with your dates and this is one thing that is holding you back. But this has already been discussed over and over.

I have said it before, if you look around you’ll see all kinds of people with partners. Claiming that only 1% men have chance is simply wrong because no statistics will confirm it, there are far more married people in every society. Saying that every average and below average woman has a chance with these 1% men is ridiculous because it’s mathematically impossible. 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, preraph said:

I know a guy with a limp from polio who is super hot and always popular with the ladies.  He also achieved minor celebrity status. 

One of the coolest guys in my year at school was born with an arm which ended at his elbow.  And he competed successfully with the able bodied swimmers in the swimming carnivals.

[jspice]

Growing up there was a guy in my neighbourhood whose face was so badly burnt his ears were almost missing. He got the hottest girls at high school and university. 
this was in ... Cape Town. 
You’re misleading people about the entire country because you can’t make it work there. 

if you’ve met 200 women for dates, you’re the problem. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, bene said:I see no horrible fundamental physical flaw in your picture that should prevent you from getting dates. 

I really dislike being so honest, but if it helps ZA get a date, then it’s worth it. 

ZA, every time I see your hairstyle I am reminded of a photo of my uncle as an 8yo circa early 50’s with combed over, oiled hair and shorts up to his armpits.  Now I love my uncle dearly, but his 1940’s styling is not one to copy.   And the white T looks like underwear.   I understand plain clothes as I like them too.  But go for a collared white linen shirt.  Or a coloured, but plain shirt.  Or something with a collar.  

All that said, if you’re a rockabilly and choose 50’s stying deliberately, go with something more edgy. 

[basil67]

Sorry, I can’t edit my post. I started thinking it was 40’s and then did the math on his age.  There should not be a reference to the 40’s in my above post. 

[elaine567]

I think you may be right about the 1940's styling though.
1940s Hairstyles For Men – 25 Historic Manly Cuts
 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, jspice said:

Growing up there was a guy in my neighbourhood whose face was so badly burnt his ears were almost missing. He got the hottest girls at high school and university. 
this was in ... Cape Town. 
You’re misleading people about the entire country because you can’t make it work there. 

if you’ve met 200 women for dates, you’re the problem. 

Good for him. You and I will never agree on anything but I'd hazard only one of us is in Cape Town at the moment so I'd guess my experience is a bit more up to date.

Did you make it work here?

Oh PS a friend of mine has a disability and no women wants anything to do with him.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, bene said:

I see no horrible fundamental physical flaw in your picture that should prevent you from getting dates. So you could set that idea aside that there is something wrong with your physical looks. You look somewhat uncomfortable in the photo and I think your overall attitude translates into interaction with your dates and this is one thing that is holding you back. But this has already been discussed over and over.

I have said it before, if you look around you’ll see all kinds of people with partners. Claiming that only 1% men have chance is simply wrong

Well if I could post to my tinder matches you may think otherwise..

[guy45]

I'll just say this, if I took all the effort I invested in online dating for so many years and used it instead out in the real world to meet someone I would have probably been happily married by now.

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I really dislike being so honest, but if it helps ZA get a date, then it’s worth it. 

ZA, every time I see your hairstyle I am reminded of a photo of my uncle as an 8yo circa early 50’s with combed over, oiled hair and shorts up to his armpits.  Now I love my uncle dearly, but his 1940’s styling is not one to copy.   And the white T looks like underwear.   I understand plain clothes as I like them too.  But go for a collared white linen shirt.  Or a coloured, but plain shirt.  Or something with a collar.  

All that said, if you’re a rockabilly and choose 50’s stying deliberately, go with something more edgy. 

See while I appreciate this as being from a kind place I also tend to question this, this was the hair cut someone told me to have, before I just had number 4 which was simply and easy. I really don't like shirts, I might wear a golf shirt from time to time but truthfully I have never rejected someone based on their clothes so if that's why people reject me then I probably don't want to be around those people anyway. I find this irritating because there is no universal right, I don't follow trends because there is no point, clothes are utilitarian items, yes you should look nice and I think I do look ok but again that's subjective.

Equally I don't think ladies are going to fall over me with a change of clothes, trust me if I had my way I'd go back to the super short hair.

Thanks anyway, at least I suppose I look like an era where dating was far easier.

[ZA Dater]

32 minutes ago, guy45 said:

I'll just say this, if I took all the effort I invested in online dating for so many years and used it instead out in the real world to meet someone I would have probably been happily married by now.

Not much effort required really, write a profile, put up some pictures, pay and hope someone like it enough. Hope that you find that person attractive but I do wish I had spent all this money on other things, ones were my ROI would be far greater.

I don't work in the real world, put me at a board meeting and I work well, put me at a M&A transaction negotiation and I work well but put me in a coffee shop with a pretty brunette and I don't work at all, the things I am good become irrelevant. Which is why there is never a connection, UNLESS there is some shared interest which is EXTREMELY rare.

[jspice]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Good for him. You and I will never agree on anything but I'd hazard only one of us is in Cape Town at the moment so I'd guess my experience is a bit more up to date.

Did you make it work here?

Oh PS a friend of mine has a disability and no women wants anything to do with him.

How predictable that you discount real evidence. 
My job allows me to be home for many months per year. The entire city is NOT as you describe. Everyone here has given you an example of someone whose looks were not standard fare. They’re to illustrate looks aren’t everything as you believe.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

16 minutes ago, jspice said:

How predictable that you discount real evidence. 
My job allows me to be home for many months per year. The entire city is NOT as you describe. Everyone here has given you an example of someone whose looks were not standard fare. They’re to illustrate looks aren’t everything as you believe.

You have your opinion and I have mine, neither is wrong. I am sure there are examples of almost anything but that doesn't mean they apply to everyone does it? You cannot dispute looks are important or is that what you are trying do because if that were the case it wouldn't be Kate Upton on the cover a magazine but someone out of shape. Are you telling a magazine with the latter would sell as well as the former? Of course not.

I contend the same applies to dating for most people, note I am including ladies in this. Looks sell, why would you talk to someone if you didn't like what they looked liked?

I'd challenge you to meet up with me next time you are home but I somehow think that would be akin to throwing a bottle of petrol on a fire.

Well the parts of the city where I contend this doesn't apply are not parts I fancy spending time in, thanks nonetheless. What makes you evidence any more valid than mine? What makes your experienced any more valid than mine, mine are based on what I actually experienced, do yourself a favour next time you are home, head into town, go somewhere vaguely decent and you look around and tell me looks down matter, just look at who is paired up with who. Make it Camps Bay if you want this theory to be proven without doubt.

I'd actually love you theory to be true but for me it categorically false. I'd love to have the same chance as the guy with the great looks but that simply not how it works, have a look at the debutant ball and you can clearly see if one isn't distinguished on looks then one is distinguished on class. SO yes I'd like a fair playing field but I don't there it exists anywhere.

Edited February 2, 2020 by ZA Dater

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

See while I appreciate this as being from a kind place I also tend to question this, this was the hair cut someone told me to have, before I just had number 4 which was simply and easy. I really don't like shirts, I might wear a golf shirt from time to time but truthfully I have never rejected someone based on their clothes so if that's why people reject me then I probably don't want to be around those people anyway. I find this irritating because there is no universal right, I don't follow trends because there is no point, clothes are utilitarian items, yes you should look nice and I think I do look ok but again that's subjective.

Equally I don't think ladies are going to fall over me with a change of clothes, trust me if I had my way I'd go back to the super short hair.

I would argue that most women appreciate a man who makes a bit of effort in his styling and appearance.    Of course, it's your right not to make an effort, but as in all things with life, lack of effort will yield poor results.   

 

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I would argue that most women appreciate a man who makes a bit of effort in his styling and appearance.    Of course, it's your right not to make an effort, but as in all things with life, lack of effort will yield poor results.   

 

I disagree because there is no universal like, some ladies like ABC others like XYZ which is exactly why to my at least dating is impossible.

Edited February 3, 2020 by ZA Dater

[chillii]

Well if you keep insisting through all the help people have tried to be on all this , that it's all a dead duck for you no matter what anyway  , then why not stop doing threads stop meeting women and just get on with life.

ps and ha, you'll probably meet someone.

Edited February 3, 2020 by chillii

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, chillii said:

Well if you keep insisting through all the help people have tried to be on all this , that it's all a dead duck for you no matter what anyway  , then why not stop doing threads stop meeting women and just get on with life.

ps and ha, you'll probably meet someone.

I agree might be a good idea seeing as I have zero to offer ladies apparently. It would be nice to win at this sometime but I suspect that any win I accomplish will be more down to me paying for that win. I can go out and sit at a bar but what will that accomplish, I need friends but I went out looking for those too and found none, someone told me "go out and meet people"  that's like saying dig in your backyard and you might find oil. Look I think that CAN work if

1: you have charm I have read about this and REALLY tried but it is completely counter intuitive to me that there are only so many fake smiles I can do.

2: You have good looks, I don't think I have good looks because if I did I might have had more luck.

I'll keep reading but with half and eye open because this is something I no longer believe in despite it being something I want to experience just once. The only way is to find someone who can perhaps look past the fact I have no experience.

[basil67]

16 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I disagree because there is no universal like, some ladies like ABC others like XYZ which is exactly why to my at least dating is impossible.

I don't know why you're talking about universal likes because I used the word "most".   And I think you'll find that the women who don't care about whether a man makes an effort will also put little effort in their own appearance.  You'd probably write them off as being too overweight or scraggly looking.

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I agree might be a good idea seeing as I have zero to offer ladies apparently. 

At current levels, you're probably quite correct.  But if you employed just some of the mountains of advice you've been given, your outlook could be far different.  Seems to me that you're making a choice to remain undesirable.    Until you release yourself from your dogged adherence to your beliefs, nothing will change.  Thing is, most of us are wrong about some things and it takes courage to question what we believe in order to change and do better at life.  

[Miss Spider]

18 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I disagree because there is no universal like, some ladies like ABC others like XYZ which is exactly why to my at least dating is impossible.

If that were true, you’d be having more success in dating. Instead, almost all of the woman here have agreed you could do with some improvements  and almost all have agreed on the exact things (style and expression). From what I’ve seen from your posts, you’re  pretty  picky, but a woman that wants a man to put more effort into his appearance than taking some #4 clippers to his hair is not worth your time. Just seems like excuses not to try. Sorry. I really agree with the others that it boils down to attitude .

Edited February 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough