How to Get Your Ex Back After a Breakup

[jutr]

Hello

Here is my  story ;

 

1.Relationship last 16 years.I wos she first boyfriend.We have a daughter of 6 years.
2.We was in big love for 13 years. Last 3 years was bad.Aour first serious brack up.
3. We mutual agree to stop our relationship 1 year ago.
4. She ends our relationship in October 2019.She dumped me
5. SHe is dating a new guy from October 2019.I suspect she knows this guy from August 2019.So tecnicaly she cheating on me when we wos in off/on mode.(I suspect this is a rebound )
6. She was very jealous at me for 13 years.
7. She move to other  city in  a house of new guy ,fined a new job. and transfer my daughter to new school in the midle of the school year.She  quit she's job after 11 years.
8. Aour comunication wos bad.
9. I don't act like a family man and I dont go out whit she.
10. I go in depression and lose my job.
11. I make 2 weeks of no contact at bigining but fail to continue due our kids.
12. She tell me how she and my daughter is fine whit new guy , anything is perfect  how a new guy take care of them.New job is perfect also it sound  like to be in a wonderland.
13. She sends me mixed signals,off/on  she say that she love me but is not like before, she say to me she thinks different now.
14. She say she is in love whit new  guy. I think she has the effect the grass is greener elsewhere.I also think she feel guilty about brack up whit me.
15.I start to work on myself, cure my depression, fined a job, buy a car, start fitness.
16. When we are together she acts very cold, like she is not interested.
17. I think she still has filing for me and she still have some attraction let say 20% to 30%, she think she cannot be happy whit me.she  think I cant change on long term.I am shure she is still jealous at me , becos when we wos on social security for discussion for our daughter , there wos a girl whit nice tits, I i know she wos   not confortable whit me around.
18. When we are  together she acts very cold, like she is not interested.
19. She agree two time to meet whit me.(First time i bagged and pleaded, second time we go to diner and all was ok. After the diner by phone she says is not good we meet any moor becos we cant be friends and she new boyfriend is jelouse. I have a filing she always test me.She ask me whot my perents think about she, she still have contacts whit my grendmother.She never contacts me first but always respond very fast.
20. I start indefinite  no contact again today.
21.She aggre after 3 months to give my staff back (was very hard,she refuse all the time,I ask for my staff beck becos I need it) She still has my art statue which won't give me back at the moment.
22.NOTE :She is very well-informed about the procedure to get an "ex back" so she knows any my move.And she smell my intention miles away.
23. Befor brake up i was an alpha male a Bad boy we havre too much drama.Solid financial status, good loocking and desirable by women.
24. New guy is more like family man,give she security is calm, more social ,he is she babysiter, and he will make anything for she.He is not good looking.I never see them in my hometown.I think she fined him online and the guy fasce scarsity whit women

 

I need some advice on how to procede. My situation is bad i know .I will start  NO CONTACT  today for two three monts.I know i must be over she 99%.

I am  almost 99% shure she will not reach out. Then I think I will tray the last shot to get she back.

Any opinion is whished.

Sorry for my writing mistake
Thank you and  god blas you all

 

 

 

[preraph]

I'm glad you got back on your feet after being depressed about it.  

 

Why did she break up with you?  Were you not helping around the house and with the kids much and she maybe felt she needed someone who would?  Because that can make a woman lose attraction for you, when you disrespect by not doing your part.  

 

Now, I bring it up because you say her new man is more that type, so sounds like she needed that.  

 

I'm sure she still has some feelings for you because she once loved you fully and had a family with you, but feelings do change.  And it sounds like she doesn't have enough feelings left for you (and maybe attraction, which women lose when emotions for you aren't right) to want to get back together.  She's been clear she's happy with the new man.  Now, who knows if that will last, but even if it doesn't wouldn't mean she would come back to you instead of just being on her own or dating new guys.  

 

I think no contact would benefit you, but you do share children, so I don't see how you can go about that.  But I do think you need to just accept that it's over.  Maybe after a time, you will feel like seeing other people.  Good luck.

[jutr]

Thanks sr, for your response.
I think you get the point, and YES i act like non mature child and i dont take my responsability. Now  i olready change and i wont to start to be a real man . I know my chances are slim , whit she , but I will tray . If it dont work out , then I must 
 go forward knowing that I had lost the love of my life I also wish her the best, regardless of the outcome.

[preraph]

Thanks for being honest.  From her view, you didn't have enough respect for her while you were together to do your part.  It is about respect.  Nothing short of her leaving was enough to make you do your part.  And truth is, I doubt you would change permanently.  You would be helpful for awhile and then you'd try to go back to how you were.  Because no one changes overnight.  I am sure you wish you could have changed before it was too late.  

 

Don't stop seeing your kids just because she has a new man.  You owe it to your kids to be an active father to them.  You should take care of them when you have them just like she would have.  If you do that, you will at least start to see how much there is to it and how it was bad that you did not do it before as much to help her.  Be a good father and just worry about that now.  Good luck.

[jutr]

I just want to calm her down and I act very polity  and at times i feel like she is reasonable again but the next day she acts again like she dont care .And we booth know she make this on purpose.I also suggest we can be friends for the benefit of our kid, she aggre , and after some day she say we cant be friends becos new boyfriend is gelouse.I tell she let him calm down his new  partner that he has to accept that we must be in touch for the sake of the baby and if it does not understands then is childish.

[jutr]

Yor advice is on point. Yes I will tray to be the best father as possible. Overhere I fiened , thet she she is very restrained, I repeatedly ask for contact with the child, but she makes it impossible for me ,eny time happens some problem or she cannot or the child becomes ill etc...What is certain is that she is mad at me and she punish me in some way.

I just want to calm her down and I act very polity  and at times i feel like she is reasonable again but the next day she acts again like she dont care .And we booth know she make this on purpose.I also suggest we can be friends for the benefit of our kid, she aggre , and after some day she say we cant be friends becos new boyfriend is gelouse.I tell she let him calm down his new  partner that he has to accept that we must be in touch for the sake of the baby and if it does not understands then is childish

[preraph]

Is there any system in place where you are to get a judge or court to grant you scheduled visitation with your children?  Because if so, you need to do that.  

[jutr]

I think this guy is in love with her. And she wants to withdraw me in every way. She wants to take over my role.And keep me away from my ex as much as possible.Before Christmas, for example, I didn't hear my baby for 10 days. I got her on the phone for 1 minute at Christmas.
And I get the feeling that she's ignoring me because she's  new partner dont wont we are in  contact

[jutr]

preraph taank you ounce again for your support. Look i tray to make this out for three months now. And I and my ex we have a deal we will make all in peace in the benefit for aour kid.But it seems when it come the time to make this out some problem come , and i cant figure out whay ?. I repete she is under influence of shes new partner  and dont all this cort and judge ,advocats  cost money and in my country in 99,99999% of case the women gett all wright to a kid.So its not my intetion to go  on justice sistem where i know which will be the verdict.The idference is i will pay for this a lot of money. I will wait she relax a litle bit and then i will tray to discuss. Also she move in the middle of the school year to new location which is not good for the child , to change all the habit and school  and father in two three month. I say all together it's a little too weird what you think ?

 

[kendahke]

your best bet is instead of talking about it, how about you begin living it--actions speak louder than words.

You're going to have to demonstrate through your behavior that you are this "real man" you say you are.  Talk is cheap---and she's got 16 years of knowing you inside and out.

No matter what she's saying to you, the fact of the matter is she's found another man that she's in no hurry to leave who is already ready and willing right now to be the man she wants/needs. As far as you're presently concerned--and going by what you've written--this is all about getting your status quo back, not necessarily having developed consistent behavior to demonstrate to her that you have indeed changed for the better.

Get your life mess cleaned up first.

Also, put yourself in this new guy's shoes: would you want her contacting him for reasons outside of the child if she's supposed to be with you? I don't think that is unreasonable to ask of one's girl/boyfriend.

[preraph]

If you would get no justice from the judge or court where you live, then I agree to show her you want to be an active father and won't just give up your kids to her.  Offer to take them to school or go to their sports or offer to be the one to take to the doctor.  Keep that up best you can and we'll hope for the best for you.  

[jutr]

kendahke agree whit you about contact aoutside for kids kontact are not etical.
i wont to start to be a real man I not say I am a rela man but i wont to be (first)
Like father i definetly have to grow and to make my homework and i agree i wos not the perfect one , but also not the worst one.Whot i wont to say is if my ex is over me and the new guy is mature whay then care about my call after 10 days of no response ? Whay ? I mean if i wos in the guy skin , i will tell she let contact his father she probably think about his kid , we discuss about holidays , So  i dont know maybe I am wrong but somthink dont fit in this story....

[kendahke]

On 1/26/2020 at 2:12 PM, jutr said:

and i agree i wos not the perfect one , but also not the worst one

To you--but it's what your ex thinks that matters most here and it appears by her behavior as though she disagrees wiht your assessment.

Edited January 27, 2020 by kendahke

[preraph]

I am concerned that she wants you out of the picture with the kids.  I hope I'm wrong.  

[jutr]

kendahke thanks for your opinion and to participate in the forum.
I think  you are right but i think this is far from reality. i can confirm what the PRERAPH wrote (i'm concerned that she wants you out of the picture with the kids. i hope i'm wrong.) Let me explain today: Today i get a call from my ex, she tells me she is meant for social work I ask her why didn't she tell me earlier that she would go together? I get no answer. She tells me that if I want to come I have 1 hour of time. Ok I land and rush to the office where my ex is waiting for me. . He then tells me that when we are in the office, if they ask me if I have allowed my daughter to move to another place with her new partner, I must say yes.i say i have no problem with that, but why do i have to say yes?To which she replies that if I do not say that I have agreed, she will claim maintenance for one year because I did not pay (because I was unemployed).Ok, I get the point! That is, she and her new partner falsified my signature to agree that my child was moving to him. Unless they counted that I was not able to pay maintenance as an unemployed, contrary to what the law says, my partner could pay me maintenance. My ex it turned white pale when I say this to she , I remained collected and I did not mention this in the office.Ok, I get the point! That is, she and her new partner falsified my signature to agree that my child was moving to him. Unless they counted that I was not able to pay maintenance as an unemployed, contrary to what the law says, my partner could pay me maintenance. My ex it turned white pale, the lobster remained collected and I did not mention this in the office.She looked devastated after the interview. I wos calm myself and told her that she had to have a hope that everything would be resolved positively, because I wanted all the best for my baby and I left.Now whot is shure I think the new guy is abused for games my ex plays.TO BE CONTINUED...

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry that you do not have a fair legal system to turn to.  Perhaps seek out a father's support group.  They may be able to assist you. 

Do not sign things that are not true.  

Do remain in contact with your child.  Because you share a child you do not get the luxury of NC.  You must find a way to cooperate with your EX for your child's sake.  Everything must be in the best interests of the child. 

Unfortunately while she is with this new guy, you have zero chance of getting her back.  Anything you do will cement her relationship with him.  So you best find a way to move forward with your new normal -- being apart.  Spend time with your child.  Be a good dad.  Lick your wounds about the demise of your relationship with the mom but move on.  

[jutr]

d0nnivain  Thanks for your cooperation in the forum.

Yes , I think i should move on.I start the NO Contact iven at the price I will not see my doughter for a month or two  i can't fight the madness whit logic.I must take this risk, simply becos I have only to gain, first  that we can both reconcile a little. To the extent that we no longer have problems to find a solution for our daughter.
Second :maybe she will change her mind "maybe"????
Three:I know she is a temperamental person. Just like her actions, which are made in the heat of anger and misunderstanding.(And that can change anytime).

The Pro :
1.I love she (she know this) , and I know she still love me.this is 100%
2.I know she make a mistake , she know she make a mistake but refuses to admit it.
3.Second if she realizes she made a mistake and she is ready to work on herself maybe we can find a solution.(this include also i work on myself).
4.I have already changed my self  (she knows it) and I'm still working on myself (she knows it).

The Con:
1.She is not a mature person to clear his emotions.
2.She knows she has hurt me a lot, and that is why she feels shameful and guilty.
3.She's afraid I will blame she if she returns to the relationship.
4.every day I am more convinced that we really are not made to be together.

I'll keep runing this forum  to let know how it and my story.

[Daisydooks]

You're willing to not see your daughter for 3 months? 

There is a big issue with this. What is wrong with you???  I can appreciate how candid you are and how honest you're attempting to be here. Failing marriages are no excuse not to be there for your child. That's awful and I feel very sad for your daughter. How dare you use her as a pawn in this relationship? Both of you. Maybe she felt he should be her father as you dont care to be one.  

Why are you so happy and willing to let another man raise your child? You're capable. You don't get along with her mother is a very bad excuse to not see your daughter.  NC at the expense of your poor child. I'm shaking my head here 

Your relationship is done. What you're saying is you're totally willing to move on and let someone else step up because you're not strong enough to have a coparenting relationship with your ex. It isn't about letting you or preventing you from see your daughter. That is what court is for and you're entitled to see your child. You would just rather put your daughters needs aside. 

Edited January 29, 2020 by Daisydooks

[jutr]

.

Why I think my ex is in rebound relationship and still have filings for me:

1.She date whit this new guy a month before she dumped me.
2.we were in on / off mode. But she had sex with me just as she walked out with me 
but she was olready dating a new boyfriend.
3.when she officially left me she immediately practically moved to a new boy 80 miles away, leaving the  work after 11 year, me,friends, parents all life behind.
4.we were in daily contact (she kept telling me plans what she was going to do whit new boyfriend)
5.We were dating, she even took me to a small trip whit the car of her new boyfriend.
6.always respond quickly to my messages
7.My wish was to move to the countryside once in the future, which she always refused and look at the coincidence, her new partner is from the countryside.
8. she's very visual and her new guy is totally out.
9.we talked on the phone once, and at the end of the conversation i told her i love you and she answered i love you too , and then she shut up in style as if she didn't mean to say it .
10.She play whit me cold and hot.
11.sHe wants to make me jealous.
12.ETC....

That doesn't mean anything, but I think it's too many  coincidental that he wants to end all contact with me and and erase me from she life.

[jutr]

Daisydooks  Thanks for your post.
I respect your opinion but look, currently my ex is confusing if i start to push she ,
i think she will start doing the opposite, at the moment i was acting very sober on her nosense.the court will allow me every other weekend to contact my daughter that's 100%.
but  if she contacts me, it means that she wants me to have contact with my daughter. That means my position will be better.we will all have cold heads.
on the contrary, any legal intervention against her means practically a war. she knows she's doing the wrong thing. I think it's best not to fight she mad state  whit laws ,logic etc...The best it will be that she understands what is best for the child.

NOTE : my baby is now practically living 80mils away.I am an BUS driver and i work 10+ hours a day 28 days a month.Now what's best for me to start a court battle or find a compromise?

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to go to war but you should call / write / email / facetime your daughter.  Make the effort to be there for the kid.  

[jutr]

if I start, it's a legal battle. She can cause me big problems until the court decides contacts. It takes a year. it is best at this point to be calm and wait for the waters to calm down and then find a compromise.It is currently best to step back and wait for her response if her answer is a nosense  I can always show my teeth but in the long run I just can't win and she knows this.At moment my best answer is to do nothing and wait for signs and then proceed accordingly.

[jutr]

d0nnivain

I have already done this and everything is agreed. But when it comes time to contact, there is always a problem.
I think she is confused, she doesn't know what she wants. She is not stupid or mad, but last time she act like this.
whatever i do will not be right, but right now i think its best to stay back.If she contacted me i will participate. Unless i think its best to wait 30 days and then choose the best solution for my daughter.

[schlumpy]

I agree that you should minimize contact with your ex and you need to ask your relatives to stop passing information about her to you. If she comes back, which what you seem to desire then she will have to do it on her own. I can't think of anyway except for kidnapping that she is going to be with you again.

The only exception to no contact is your daughter. Haver your ex drop her off at a relatives house so you don't have to see her or talk with her. Do not celebrate special occasions as if you were still a family. Do double birthdays. Your daughter will not object. If you need to discuss something about your daughter only do it through text. Never meet in person or use the phone.

Strive to bring a measure of stability and normalcy to your daughters life and that should influence your own life. Forget what your ex is thinking, doing, wondering about, etc... It's not going to help you at all. Keep working on your own faults and make yourself attractive to other women. It's time to move on.

[d0nnivain]

If your EX is blocking your access to your daughter document that. Keep a log of every call you make where the EX refuses to put the daughter on the phone.  You call,  EX answers.  You say hello EX may I please speak to daughter?  No matter what EX says -- other than a flat out no -- you repeat May I please speak to daughter.  If you get a no, you hang up.  

You need to be talking to your daughter daily or at least weekly.  She is not going to understand some 30 day cooling off period between you & her mom.  She will only see you abandoning her & wonder what she did wrong that you don't love her any more. 

You are a dad.  You need to be your daughter's superhero -- moving mountains to get to her.  Send her e-mails.  Call her.  Write her letters & mail them if you have to.  But have evidence of how much you tried.  It will help your daughter's mental health & it will be great evidence if you have to into court.