My Engaged Ex Girlfriend and Me Have Been Hanging Out

[Quokka]

So as the title states. Me (23M) and my engaged ex girlfriend (24F) have been secretly hanging out at a mutual friends house.

Backstory: We dated on and off for 4 years, we became friends first for 2 years prior to dating. It became an on and off situation mostly due to my lack of self-respect and letting her treat me like garbage and letting her come back into my life. Each break up I would start NC but she would come and find me and yes, including hiding in my friends trunk and ambushing me. When all of that happened, I had just started seeing someone new and it drove her crazy. Constantly messaging me, calling me, her friends trying to call me etc. But, I love the girl so it was real easy to let her have her way. We share a really unique bond that I can't really describe but to break it down we have similar traumas and a lot of shared experiences, and greatly emotionally attached to each other. We both suffer from depression and anxiety really bad. Addictive personalities to top it all off. We do love each other but you can see how things could become toxic. I've highlighted the bad things about our relationship but we've spent holidays together, taken many trips, the sex is great, we're both very passionate and loving. One time we got into a big fight and I drove drunk, wrecked my car, called her crying, she was there in moments to drag me away from the scene saving me from a DUI and get me some place safe and held me while I cried and kept repeating "I love you's" and "everything is going to be okay" in to my ear until I fell asleep and then moved me into her Mom's place because my own had just kicked me out and I had nowhere to go. We ended because us living with her parents just wasn't working, the sex life died (we were right above her parents room, not very sexy), arguments ensued, only one vehicle after the accident causing me to have to take hers to work for 8-12 hours a day, she became really unhappy and stuck at home all day. This inevitably caused the break up in September 2018. 

Fast forward to April 2019 and she started dating this guy. I was okay with it as she seemed happy apart from her messaging me in September 2019 trying to meet up with me. I told my friend about her text looking for advice on what to do. And my friend ended up telling her Fiance because they were mutual friends. I was really sore about this towards my friend because I didn't want this information getting back to her fiance and it obviously did. I have no idea what happened afterwards because she did not contact me anymore. 

Fast forwarding to November 2019 and the now fiance asks her to marry very surprised to see this as he had just caught her contacting me just two months ago. I woke up to friends asking if I was okay and I was like yeah why? only to open Facebook and see the big announcement right there on my timeline. I unglued, really. I never expected it. Drove my sad ass to the liquor store, bought some whiskey, passed out at like 7pm just in tears.

This now brings us to present date. A couple weeks ago I get a message from her friend just saying "wait it out" which I said "cryptic. Whats up" she said you know what I mean. and then proceeded to ask for my school schedule. I told her. The next day I was ambushed by her friend and my ex as I'm walking out of class. She comes up to me, asks me to go out to her car, I agree and we go for a chat. She tells me that she's unhappy and wants out of her engagement. The fiance has been very controlling and possessive. Not allowing her to stay nights with friends, counting her meds, will not let her smoke weed in her own home. Turns out she had just started college at the same university I am attending possibly as a way to get closer to me? I'll let you guys interpret that one but the thought crossed my mind. She went on to say that he is leaving with his band for the entire month of April to go on tour and that is when she plans on ending their relationship because he is very argumentative and doesn't want to deal with confrontation. She's always been that way. She proceeded to show me her hand, showing that she was no longer wearing the ring and made him take it back. I was baffled and dumbfounded just listening to her and had four minutes to make it to my next class so I told her to contact me later through her friend. She did.

Just yesterday our mutual friend hit me up early afternoon telling me my ex was there and wanted to see me. So, I go over there. We meet up and I'm being my normal goofy self and had her laughing instantly. She was curious about my life, asking me tons of questions, I complimented her a couple times and she reciprocated my flirting. Made it very clear that she was not shy about being close to me. Some light touching was occurring as well. We shared drinks and cooked out on the grill and it was just a very lovely Saturday evening. It felt like we never broke up. That is, until the fiance started calling and texting demanding that she comes home by 6 that night whenever he arrived. She started crying and tried to tell him she wanted to stay with her friend (keeping me a secret) but he started arguing with her so she just agreed to come home and she left right at 6. I stayed a little longer to catch up with my old friends, they were always friends but things got complicated after me and her broke up so catching up was needed. Her friend gave me a lot of insights saying that she has been missing me and considering reconciliation with me when it is all said and done with her fiance. At around 8 she texted her friend to tell me to message her on e-mail (we can't talk on any social medias or text because of the fiance finding out) we exchanged a couple emails that weren't very fruitful but she made a point to let me know how fed up and done she was with her fiance and that she wished she could be there with me.

So now you guys know me and her dirty little secret. No sex has occurred so she hasn't physically cheated on him. But, I had a feeling that if she was able to stay the night with her friend, it probably would've happened. 

I'm telling you all of this to get some insight mainly but also to ask questions about possible reconciliation. If we reconcile, how do I make sure that the things that kept tearing us apart do not continue to happen? I've done a lot of self work over the past year. But I want to set clear boundaries as well. How can I ensure that before this continues that I don't end up being stepped on for emotional support when she leaves her guy for me? Just some things I'm worried about.

If you read this whole thing, thank you very much.

-Quokka

[d0nnivain]

I think she has some choices to make. . . unless she gives him this is a non starter. 

[introverted1]

Sounds like a mess, frankly.  Unless you and your ex have gained considerable maturity, a history of on/off, alcohol, trauma, and mental illness does not bode well for the future.

[Quokka]

I believe that I have. I’ve done a lot of self and personal growth it’s too early to tell with her. It is a mess, yes. But, we love each other, have great chemistry, and lots of history. Making it hard for both of us to leave that behind.

[vla1120]

I believe the first boundary you need to set is to say any talk of a relationship is off limits until she has broken up with her fiance. Right now, you're letting her have her cake and eat it too. If things don't go as expected with you, right now, she's got her fiance on the back burner. 

Also, the fact that you mentioned she and her friend ambushed you at school, etc., doesn't indicate that her behavior has changed in the past year. while you state that you've "done a lot of self and personal growth." 

If I were you, I wouldn't jump right back in with both feet. I'd lay out some expectations to ensure the toxicity does not continue, leading to the same outcome as before.

[Quokka]

2 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I believe the first boundary you need to set is to say any talk of a relationship is off limits until she has broken up with her fiance. Right now, you're letting her have her cake and eat it too. If things don't go as expected with you, right now, she's got her fiance on the back burner. 

Also, the fact that you mentioned she and her friend ambushed you at school, etc., doesn't indicate that her behavior has changed in the past year. while you state that you've "done a lot of self and personal growth." 

If I were you, I wouldn't jump right back in with both feet. I'd lay out some expectations to ensure the toxicity does not continue, leading to the same outcome as before.

Perfect. I haven’t mentioned anything about possible reconciliation just been keeping everything light hearted and fun. Nothing heavy. As for these expectations, what do you mean? I’m usually a no expectations type of a guy. 

[vla1120]

11 minutes ago, Quokka said:

Perfect. I haven’t mentioned anything about possible reconciliation just been keeping everything light hearted and fun. Nothing heavy. As for these expectations, what do you mean? I’m usually a no expectations type of a guy. 

While you are usually a "no expectations" type of guy, I think that's what got you into trouble before, when you allowed her to treat you like this:

13 hours ago, Quokka said:

...It became an on and off situation mostly due to my lack of self-respect and letting her treat me like garbage and letting her come back into my life. Each break up I would start NC but she would come and find me and yes, including hiding in my friends trunk and ambushing me.

Therefore, I hope part of your personal growth has been to learn to appreciate your own value enough not to allow her to treat you like garbage, coming in and out of your life at her leisure. 

Just lay down the ground rules for mutual respect, etc. Hopefully, you won't use alcohol as a way to cope with adversity, as that has led to some difficult issues for you.

Edited January 27, 2020 by vla1120

[Quokka]

4 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

While you are usually a "no expectations" type of guy, I think that's what got you into trouble before, when you allowed her to treat you like this:

Therefore, I hope part of your personal growth has been to learn to appreciate your own value enough not to allow her to treat you like garbage, coming in and out of your life at her leisure. 

Just lay down the ground rules for mutual respect, etc. Hopefully, you won't use alcohol as a way to cope with adversity, as that has led to some difficult issues for you.

Hearing you loud and clear. I’ve been an alcoholic since I turned 19. Been to rehab once. I’m not an every day drinker. I manage it quite well. But, when I drink, it is in excess, usually resulting in blackouts. Binge drinking is a problem for me. But it’s not as frequent and so far I’ve able to keep my life under control, holding a good GPA with a part-time job while sneaking in a session or two during the weekends. But if it does start effecting my life I’ll notice and usually I’ve got a pretty good grip on it. I’m very self-aware. But yes, when problems arise, I would drink. It’s been my go to since I can remember. I’ll keep that in mind moving forward here. 

[Quokka]

10 hours ago, d0nnivain said:unless she gives him this is a non starter. 

I’m curious what you meant by this, d0nnivain. Love your replies on other posts. You always have good insight.