Living with someone after 25 years of living alone

[Happy Lemming]

It appears that my girlfriend (of 8 years) will need to come live in my home, this fall. Neither of us really wants to live together, but we've pushed the envelope of her finances to the "breaking point"   Rents in the area have skyrocketed and my girlfriend can't find an affordable apartment.  She is retired and on a fixed income.  Neither of us has lived with anyone in many years.

I'm going to try to do my best to help her with the transition.  I'm finishing up the master suite (master bedroom, master bathroom & a large walk-in closet).  I'm letting her pick out the final color, as the rooms are in primer and just about ready to the color coat.  I added a custom shoe rack (in master closet) to accommodate her collection of shoes (she has about 20 pairs). I've also installed a "TV Mount" & outlet on the wall, as she likes to watch TV in bed (late at night).  The master suite is at the back of the house and will be her own little space/sanctuary.

I'm not a very good sleeper (toss, turn, up early, etc.), so anything over 3-4 days in the same bed will really upset her sleep pattern, so I want her to have her own sleeping space.

Basically, I'm looking for suggestions (for both of us) as to how to transition (successfully) to living together. We are both in the AARP crowd and set in our ways. 

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[NuevoYorko]

Perhaps off topic, but you say "we've pushed her finances."  Were you a participant in this, and have your own finances been impaired as well?

That question aside, it sounds like you couldn't be more accommodating than you are.  I'm sure it will be a challenging transition but you've been together long enough, and I imagine shared space enough to know each others' quirks.  It will probably turn out just fine once you get into a rhythm. 

Edited January 27, 2020 by NuevoYorko

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

Perhaps off topic, but you say "we've pushed her finances."  Were you a participant in this, and have your own finances been impaired as well?

No... I  did not actively participate in her finances.  I was an accountant/controller when I worked and I only advised her. (ran numbers, spreadsheets, did budgets, etc).  [I probably should have worded that differently.]

My finances are fine, no issues.

[BC1980]

Am I correctly understanding that you won't be sleeping in the same room?

[preraph]

It's hard to do when you're not used to having someone around, but I like the provisions you've made to give her her own space.  You'll have to keep the common area cleaner than you're used to, probably.  Of course, don't know how messy she is either.  You should talk about that beforehand and discuss if it becomes a problem, possible solutions (such as weekly housekeeper or how to split chores on common area).  

 

And I hope you have worked out the financial side of it.  You'll need an agreement, probably in writing, how much she'll pay.  If you are still paying for the house, then she should pay you and you need something legal so she's not on the house and can't take some checks she pays you to some judge and it looks like she has been paying for the home.  So be sure it's a rental agreement of some sort.  Or else just have her pay bills.  But needs to be sat down and talked about and agreed on.  

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, BC1980 said:

Am I correctly understanding that you won't be sleeping in the same room?

No, not in the same room, I would be down the hall, though... I'm a really rough sleeper.  I toss and turn, I sleep in spits and spurts and wake her up.  When we travel, its OK because its only for a couple of days. When she stays over for the weekend, she takes a nap (at her apartment) on Monday afternoon, I think some refer to it as "rescue sleep".

For anything prolonged, it wouldn't be fair (to her) for me to mess up her sleep pattern.

[Piddy]

Sounds like you'll be fine.  8 years is a long time.  Just be patient with each other and as you mentioned , (yes) us AARP people are set in our ways.  Might be some speeds bumps, but you'll figure it out.  Good Luck.

Edited January 27, 2020 by Piddy

[Happy Lemming]

10 minutes ago, preraph said:

  You'll have to keep the common area cleaner than you're used to, probably.

And I hope you have worked out the financial side of it.  You'll need an agreement, probably in writing, how much she'll pay.  If you are still paying for the house, then she should pay you and you need something legal so she's not on the house and can't take some checks she pays you to some judge and it looks like she has been paying for the home.  So be sure it's a rental agreement of some sort.  Or else just have her pay bills.  But needs to be sat down and talked about and agreed on.  

 

Yes, she isn't much of a cleaner, so I know I'll be doing a little more cleaning than I used to.

I paid "cash" for the house when I bought it, so there is no mortgage nor loan.  I was thinking about having her sign a $1/month lease (month to month) - to kind of protect myself from the scenario in your post.  I don't need the money and don't want hers.  I actually want her to try to save up for a new car, her old Dodge doesn't have much life left in it.

Edited January 27, 2020 by Happy Lemming

[preraph]

You're too generous!  If you charge her nothing and ever want to get rid of her, she won't even want to go!  Is her credit good enough to buy a car, or will she have to pay cash?  It's not easy to save up all that cash.  

[alphamale]

HL, is this "arrangement" short-term or long-term?

[K.K.]

You should really protect yourself here. Once she uses your address as hers, you would be hard pressed to get her out if necessary. I know people that this process took many months. 

She needs to pay some bills there too or there is going to be a whole lot of resentment eventually. You can’t eat love. 

The separate bedrooms is an excellent plan. You both have your own space and could always fall asleep in the others bed occasionally if you wanted. 

I hate to sound like a downer and I’m not, I’m really happy for you. BUT come on, you are the LAST person I would’ve thought would want this. I can’t see you as being  ‘tied down’. But I mean it has been 8 years.  

So, just protect yourself. Think ahead. Charge her something to keep hard feelings out of it and tell her to get a P.O. Box. 😂

[Happy Lemming]

13 minutes ago, preraph said:

Is her credit good enough to buy a car, or will she have to pay cash?  It's not easy to save up all that cash.  

No, her credit rating is shot, she'll have to save up cash.

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, alphamale said:

HL, is this "arrangement" short-term or long-term?

I don't see rents ever going down or her income coming up (that much), so yea I think it is for the long haul.

[Happy Lemming]

@K.K.

Yes, she'll buy her own food. She'll have money for that with "Free Rent".  If the utilities go up significantly, I'll ask her to pitch in a few bucks, but this house is pretty stable with utility costs.  Water is the same every month, Sewer is fixed by the Sanitation Dept. Trash is fixed. The only thing that goes up and down in electric and never more than $20-$30/month, nominal change.

The P.O. Box would be a good idea and I actually have one for my investments, but the local authorities force you to list a "physical address" or have it on file.

Yes, you are right... I am the last person to do something like this, but I don't want her trying to rent a room in a dangerous part of town, which is about all she will be able to afford at the end of her present lease.

[alphamale]

12 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I don't see rents ever going down or her income coming up (that much), so yea I think it is for the long haul.

just think about it long and hard beforehand

why don't you give her a ring and make it official?

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, alphamale said:

why don't you give her a ring and make it official?

Now that just caused a cold shiver up my spine.  Nope, not ready for that.

Baby steps, man.... baby steps.  Let see how I do with us living under the same roof.

[K.K.]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

@K.K.

Yes, she'll buy her own food. She'll have money for that with "Free Rent".  If the utilities go up significantly, I'll ask her to pitch in a few bucks, but this house is pretty stable with utility costs.  Water is the same every month, Sewer is fixed by the Sanitation Dept. Trash is fixed. The only thing that goes up and down in electric and never more than $20-$30/month, nominal change.

The P.O. Box would be a good idea and I actually have one for my investments, but the local authorities force you to list a "physical address" or have it on file.

Yes, you are right... I am the last person to do something like this, but I don't want her trying to rent a room in a dangerous part of town, which is about all she will be able to afford at the end of her present lease.

I’m still reeling from the low cost of the electric bill! They’re like 2-400$ here. 😮

Get the P.O. box for her in your name. With your physical address. For her. With only her getting mail at the P.0. 

I’m sure you know what you’re doing. I’m just stressing it for you. 😂

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, K.K. said:

I’m still reeling from the low cost of the electric bill! They’re like 2-400$ here. 😮

 

We don't have to use much heat here in the desert and I cool with an Evaporative Cooler which is very economical.  I like the fresh air exchange of an evaporative cooler over traditional Air Conditioning.

Nope, haven't seen $100 electric bill, yet in this home. It ranges from $60-$95/month - never more.

 

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Get the P.O. box for her in your name. With your physical address. For her. With only her getting mail at the P.0. 

 

That is actually a good idea, I'm going to look into it.

[Els]

I think you'll be alright, especially as it sounds like you have a large-ish house with plenty of space for both of you and her own room. In fact, if both of you are compatible I wouldn't be surprised if you enjoy living together. You don't HAVE to sleep in the same room or spend every hour of the day together or anything like that, just because you're living together.

[Els]

55 minutes ago, preraph said:

You're too generous!  If you charge her nothing and ever want to get rid of her, she won't even want to go!  Is her credit good enough to buy a car, or will she have to pay cash?  It's not easy to save up all that cash.  

I'm a bit confused. Is there a law in the US that prevents people from kicking someone out, if they are not on the title, aren't an official tenant, and are not married? I know some countries recognize couples living together as a legal partnership, but I didn't think the US did.

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Elswyth said:

I think you'll be alright, especially as it sounds like you have a large-ish house with plenty of space for both of you and her own room.

Yes its fairly large, there is also a "Guest House" on the property.  If we have issues, I'll pull some money out of savings and have a contractor help me put the guest house back on-line at an accelerated pace.

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Is there a law in the US that prevents people from kicking someone out...

I think it has to do with "Establishing Residency"... things get "sticky" without a lease, thus my idea of a $1/month lease.  The court does not worry about the amount of consideration, just that it exists.  $1 makes it a legal lease.

Edited January 27, 2020 by Happy Lemming

[mark clemson]

This sounds like one of those times when spending $300 on a chat with an attorney to clarify things just might save you a LOT more further on down the line if things go south. An ounce of prevention...

[preraph]

Yes, there is common-law marriage in the U.S.  It varies by state.  There are also community property states and non.  Some states, you leave with what you brought into the marriage and divide everything else.  Some states are strictly split it in half.