Living with someone after 25 years of living alone

[lana-banana]

 

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

Is there a law in the US that prevents people from kicking someone out, if they are not on the title, aren't an official tenant, and are not married? I know some countries recognize couples living together as a legal partnership, but I didn't think the US did.

They don't. "Common law marriages" only apply to couples that live together and present themselves as married in every way (on tax paperwork and other documentation, in conversation, etc), and only 9 states and DC even recognize new common law marriages at all. There is a weirdly persistent myth that if you live with someone for long enough then you're magically considered married by common law but it's not true. Unless you are living with someone and calling each other husband and wife, and living in a state where it's even possible, it can't apply to you. There's no reason why he wouldn't be able to kick her out.

Edited January 27, 2020 by lana-banana

[RecentChange]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

I'm a bit confused. Is there a law in the US that prevents people from kicking someone out, if they are not on the title, aren't an official tenant, and are not married? I know some countries recognize couples living together as a legal partnership, but I didn't think the US did.

Yes, in California at least, tenant laws are structured in a way that you can't kick someone out.... Even if a lease has never been signed without going through a legal process. That would include giving notice, and having to go to a court and have a judge order an eviction.  A tenant without a lease still has the legal rights of tenant. 

29 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yes, there is common-law marriage in the U.S.  It varies by state.  There are also community property states and non.  Some states, you leave with what you brought into the marriage and divide everything else.  Some states are strictly split it in half.

Very few states have common law marriage and even fewer recognize "common law marriages" that weren't in existence before the mid 90's. Some only recognize them for inheritance reasons. 

Most have pretty strict thresholds to qualify (in the 11 states that recognize them at all).

Common law marriage wouldn't be the concern here, tenants rights would be.

As soon as she moves in, the OP is now legally a land lord. 

[Happy Lemming]

16 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

 

They don't. "Common law marriages" only apply to couples that live together and present themselves as married in every way (on tax paperwork and other documentation, in conversation, etc), and only 9 states and DC even recognize new common law marriages at all.

I'm not in any of those states, but either way a lease makes our arrangement tenant/landlord.

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, RecentChange said:

 

As soon as she moves in, the OP is now legally a land lord. 

I'm OK with that... and I'm OK with the Tenant/Landlord laws in my state.

[preraph]

I watch "Live PD" a lot on A&E and they're in various states, but I'm always seeing on there where the person calls due to a domestic disturbance and wants a person who's been living there made to leave, and the police can't because they have to go through the process of eviction if that has been their home.  It seems like in many cases, they're just squatters too or lazy offspring or whatever, but it's a process to get rid of someone.  I am pretty sure these cases don't even have a tenant agreement.  The police ask if they've been living there and then say they have to do it legally through eviction.  I confess I don't understand it.  Seems like if you let someone stay at your home and got tired of them, you could just kick them, but I guess it's state by state what is legal. 

[lana-banana]

20 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I'm not in any of those states, but either way a lease makes our arrangement tenant/landlord.

All that matters is you're both comfortable with the arrangement. As a younger person, I don't have any real advice other than compromise as much as possible and accept there are some battles you won't ever win. I could cover the entire bedroom with laundry hampers and my husband would somehow find a way to get his clothes on the floor. 

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

This sounds like one of those times when spending $300 on a chat with an attorney to clarify things just might save you a LOT more further on down the line if things go south. An ounce of prevention...

I agree completely. It sounds like you're going into it with the right mentality, but you need to consider the worst case scenario.

As I see it, worst case scenario is things go sideways, she refuses to leave, and it's a big expensive mess to get her out... or at some point down the line she leaves and tries to take a chunk of your assets under common law marriage/divorce law. Given the large disparity in assets, I'd consider this step absolutely essential.

[thefooloftheyear]

I see a Judge Judy episode unfolding here, pal....😂

TFY

[Timshel]

6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I'm going to try to do my best to help her with the transition.  I'm finishing up the master suite (master bedroom, master bathroom & a large walk-in closet).  I'm letting her pick out the final color, as the rooms are in primer and just about ready to the color coat.  I added a custom shoe rack (in master closet) to accommodate her collection of shoes (she has about 20 pairs). I've also installed a "TV Mount" & outlet on the wall, as she likes to watch TV in bed (late at night).  The master suite is at the back of the house and will be her own little space/sanctuary.

 

 

Wow, you are fantastically chivalrous and after 8 yrs. together there isn't much advice to give.  Separate spaces and you know how to handle a kitchen, no problems except for unplanned oh hi's that were planned before.  The housekeeping will need to be discussed but likely over a few short months sussed out.  I think you two will be fine after a few predictable adjustments.  Good for the two of you Happy Lemming.

What struck me is 20 pairs of shoes, are you sure?  This made me think of a wonderful underground closet space design that I should patent, lol.

 

[FMW]

I agree about getting a legal consultation on the situation, hopefully it won't ever matter, but it's good to be prepared.  

 

[preraph]

4 minutes ago, Timshel said:

What struck me is 20 pairs of shoes, are you sure?  This made me think of a wonderful underground closet space design that I should patent, lol.

That reminded me of an apartment I had once.  I got lucky and the access to the crawl space was in my bedroom closet, so I started putting things down there!  It was all covered with plastic and nice down there, too!  I took a guy down there once😗

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Timshel said:

What struck me is 20 pairs of shoes, are you sure?  This made me think of a wonderful underground closet space design that I should patent, lol.

 

Apparently 19 pairs of shoes is about the average for an American woman.  A lot of them are from when she worked and she just never got rid of them. 

I had some leftover oak from another project, so it was just a couple hours of work to build it... no extra cost. 

[Interstellar]

Nobody talks about “space” in a relationship. So you guys would sleep in separate bedrooms? this is actually incredible! So far you’re starting this really well.

One thing that kills relationships is the lack of space. Because if you’re gonna be together under the same roof 365 days a year for the next forty or so something years you’ll certainly need some me time.

Have your own office space and designate one for her as well. I’d put a fishbowl in there as well as its been known to help relieve stress.

 

Edited January 27, 2020 by Interstellar

[Foxhall]

Not really answering your question but just find it interesting that your relationship has gone well without living together,

not feasible I suppose if kids were on the agenda with a potential couple, but interesting in the sense that having your own space has proved beneficial too.

[Timshel]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Apparently 19 pairs of shoes is about the average for an American woman.  A lot of them are from when she worked and she just never got rid of them. 

I had some leftover oak from another project, so it was just a couple hours of work to build it... no extra cost. 

19, uhoh, my shoe size hasn't changed since 1990 and I like leather.  Think cylindrical underground space for closet/storage space in general, leading to what?  I'm on the internet getting a patent right now, lol.  I love wood, and I particularly love refurbished wood.  She is going to love this, I think you quietly love each other.  Sure...protect yourself and her (legally.)  Keep doing what you are doing cause it's working HL. 

[preraph]

I always liked those shoe hangers that hold about 20 or so shoes that are metal and hang on the inside of a door.  They work well. And it uses otherwise wasted space.  I keep my booties in boxes though.  

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

So you guys would sleep in separate bedrooms? this is actually incredible!

 

Yes... I'm a really rough sleeper.  From my teenage years forward, sleep has always been my enemy.

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, preraph said:

I always liked those shoe hangers that hold about 20 or so shoes that are metal and hang on the inside of a door. 

Yes... I've seen those. 

I like doing home improvements, so building something custom brought me joy.

[OpenBook]

Two words: Separate bathrooms!

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, OpenBook said:

Two words: Separate bathrooms!

Yes... Done and Done!!

I just completely re-furbished the master bathroom in beautiful marble. 

[FMW]

You sound like a wonderful boyfriend, Happy Lemming.  I hope she is just as wonderful to you.  Good luck on this new chapter!

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

You sound like a wonderful boyfriend, Happy Lemming.  I hope she is just as wonderful to you.  Good luck on this new chapter!

Thank you...

We have some time before her present lease is up. I think the date is Sept. 30th.  Maybe we'll do a trial run (couple of weeks) this summer and see if we identify any issues or problems.

I don't really see any other options, though. I would never forgive myself if she was forced to move to a bad neighborhood and something happened to her. 

Rental costs have been jumping by leaps and bounds here, her rent has almost doubled in 4 years.

 

[Timshel]

30 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I don't really see any other options, though. I would never forgive myself if she was forced to move to a bad neighborhood and something happened to her. 

Rental costs have been jumping by leaps and bounds here, her rent has almost doubled in 4 years.

 

You two have fun nights out, together for 8 yrs., cook fantastic dinners together, you have bid on very thoughtful jewelry for her and are making separate living areas so that you each may retreat from each other.  Yet you seem to be taking her in as...pity?  Is this right or have you only become so accustomed to your space that pre-living together has you a bit cold feet rattled?

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Timshel said:

 Yet you seem to be taking her in as...pity?  Is this right or have you only become so accustomed to your space that pre-living together has you a bit cold feet rattled?

No, it is not pity.  I do care about her and don't want her to be in harm's way.

Maybe "cold feet" is a good description, perhaps I am rattled.  I haven't lived with someone in 25 years, I have no idea if I'll be able to adjust or if I just won't be able to do it.  I guess in life you don't know yourself as much as you think you do. 

Your post gave me pause and food for thought.  Now I'm thinking about what kind of person I really am.

Hmmm

[GeorgiaPeach1]

This is not the way a woman should be talked about who has given you 8 years of her life. You speak as if you've known her only a couple of months. Sad!