Living with someone after 25 years of living alone

[Happy Lemming]

@GeorgiaPeach1

I am flawed, like every other human being on this Earth.  I have my shortcomings and will admit to them.

[jspice]

No, I think this is completely reasonable. 
I’m a woman and if I were ever to live with someone or even get married, it’s separate bedrooms all the way. 
 

Every aspect from finances to cooking to chores must be discussed. Love and fresh air are not going to make sure things run smoothly. 
Both parties must protect themselves. The person you move in with is not the person you eventually break up with and all that romance and warm fuzzies go out the window when things go south. 
 

OP must protect himself from bad credit and possibly losing a part Of his home and the girlfriend must ensure she’s saving money and rebuilding her credit. 
 

Be in love but also look after yourself. 

[BC1980]

8 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

No, not in the same room, I would be down the hall, though... I'm a really rough sleeper.  I toss and turn, I sleep in spits and spurts and wake her up.  When we travel, its OK because its only for a couple of days. When she stays over for the weekend, she takes a nap (at her apartment) on Monday afternoon, I think some refer to it as "rescue sleep".

For anything prolonged, it wouldn't be fair (to her) for me to mess up her sleep pattern.

I think that's wise. FWIW, I think sleeping in the same bed is overrated. If it works, that's fine, but sometimes it just doesn't. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, BC1980 said:

I think that's wise. FWIW, I think sleeping in the same bed is overrated. If it works, that's fine, but sometimes it just doesn't. 

Yes... for the first part of the night it is very nice to "spoon" with her and she likes that I have my arm over her. She feels cuddled and safe and if my stupid brain could let me sleep like that through the entire night, it would be perfect.  For some reason (unbeknownst to me), I start with the tossing and turning, then my sleep goes into spits and spurts.  Its not fair to her to put her through that every night.  I'm quite jealous of the fact that once she has fallen asleep, she is in blissful state until morning.

[healing light]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yes... for the first part of the night it is very nice to "spoon" with her and she likes that I have my arm over her. She feels cuddled and safe and if my stupid brain could let me sleep like that through the entire night, it would be perfect.  For some reason (unbeknownst to me), I start with the tossing and turning, then my sleep goes into spits and spurts.  Its not fair to her to put her through that every night.  I'm quite jealous of the fact that once she has fallen asleep, she is in blissful state until morning.

I've been an insomniac for most of my life, so I relate and feel the separate bedroom accommodation is the only reasonable way you could live together and everyone maintain their sanity. I actually don't know why more couples don't do separate bedrooms given how many people snore or their sleep schedules may not sync, etc. I think everyone here has given you great advice; separate bedrooms, separate bathrooms, rental agreement, protecting your assets, discussing cleaning and the mundane aspects, etc. should something go south.

Do you love her? I don't know your background but it does seem you are wary of moving the relationship forward from what you've written here after 8 years. Logistically, I think you have your bases covered so that it will go as well as it can. I'm guessing GeorgiaPeach was picking up on the touch of emotional unavailability that seems to come across the post as opposed to the logistics you've set out. In terms of the latter, I don't think you could set the stage better than you have.

[Daisydooks]

7 hours ago, BC1980 said:

I think that's wise. FWIW, I think sleeping in the same bed is overrated. If it works, that's fine, but sometimes it just doesn't. 

We never have. It is wonderful. Lol! 

We are younger, but have genuinely never slept well together. When we moved in together it was imperative for me to have my own room. We still fall asleep together some nights in our main bedroom, but one of us moves by morning. Most nights we spend a few hours together after work is done, and then I go to my own room to sleep. 

Most of the friends we have our age find it weird. Some find it awesome and wish they could suggest it without upsetting their wives. Lol Its just something that works for us. We suck at cosleeping and someone almost always loses sleep when we try. 

[nospam99]

My suggestion to the erratic sleep is the same as my suggestion to a lot of stuff - learn to meditate. In the case of tossing and turning in sleep, my GUESS (I'm not a 'guru', just someone who's had success incorporating meditation into my lifestyle) is that a habit of daily scheduled meditation might help generally calm your body. Though I'd also try, once you have established the ability to elicit The Relaxation Response (look it up - the Herbert Benson book is good), meditating to fall asleep.

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, healing light said:

Do you love her?

That is a really good question... I don't think I know what love is.

I do think we care about each other and miss each other when apart for extended periods of time.

Over the summer, I flew back East to visit my parents for a week.  My girlfriend told her therapist she was very lonely and couldn't wait until I returned to town.  We called and texted during that week, but she still missed me. 

[Happy Lemming]

11 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

 Though I'd also try, once you have established the ability to elicit The Relaxation Response (look it up - the Herbert Benson book is good), meditating to fall asleep.

I will look it up...  Thank you "nospam99"

[Happy Lemming]

14 hours ago, Foxhall said:

not feasible I suppose if kids were on the agenda...

Oh that ship has sailed -- long ago.  We are in the AARP crowd (50+), neither of us had kids, so no grandchildren either.

[Daisydooks]

53 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

That is a really good question... I don't think I know what love is.

I do think we care about each other and miss each other when apart for extended periods of time.

Over the summer, I flew back East to visit my parents for a week.  My girlfriend told her therapist she was very lonely and couldn't wait until I returned to town.  We called and texted during that week, but she still missed me. 

Did you miss her? 

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

Did you miss her? 

Yes, but I was somewhat preoccupied with my father's failing health (during that visit). It was probably the last time I will see my father alive, so I spent time with him, drove him around to some of his favorite places, purchased him some of his favorite foods and just talked to him.

My girlfriend understood why I made this trip back East, knew I wasn't myself and understood why I wasn't "chatty".

[Daisydooks]

30 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yes, but I was somewhat preoccupied with my father's failing health (during that visit). It was probably the last time I will see my father alive, so I spent time with him, drove him around to some of his favorite places, purchased him some of his favorite foods and just talked to him.

My girlfriend understood why I made this trip back East, knew I wasn't myself and understood why I wasn't "chatty".

Absolutely.   I understand completely.  I lost my dad fairly recently myself. He died before I moved in with my fiance as well. I was a mess. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 2 days before I turned 34 and died a month and 2 days later. It was very fast and a majority of that time was spent just sitting with him, taking him appts, enjoying him, and being completely selfish with my time. I was there daily. He could barely eat, or drink at the end so he was just withering away.  I knew my fiance struggled to help me through it (as both of his parents are alive so he let me guide things) but I'd been through and battled so much alone before him, I kind of shut down during that time. I know normally I would have missed him greatly, but in that moment, I wanted to spend what time I did have with my dad and wasnt as responsive  

The night he passed, I just wanted to be alone. He obliged and made sure to send my favourite food so I wouldn't forget to eat.  It's all he felt he could do if I didnt want company. 

[Gaeta]

Happy Lemming: If she had not run into financial difficulties then you and her would never have moved in together? So there are very good reasons for that. I think she should find herself a room-mate or 2 and you keep on living apart. I find your arrangement extremely disproportionate and you'll end up resenting her. Your bills will go up, she'll use hot water, take hot showers, she'll use the Internet, enjoy your cable, she'll have a roof over her head, never worry about having to pay new bed-sheets, new appliances, cleaning supplies, etc. Sure she'll buy her groceries but you will really let her feed herself pasta when you can afford a steak? No you'll want her to eat as good as you and you'll pay. And on top of that you'll end up having to clean behind her. I don't see this unfolding without some resentment building up eventually. 

[Gaeta]

How do you own 20 pair of shoes on a fixed low income? 

[Happy Lemming]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Happy Lemming: If she had not run into financial difficulties then you and her would never have moved in together?

@Gaeta

I trimmed your quote down, as I don't know if we are still supposed to do that or not (with this new forum), but I'll try to answer some of your questions to the best of my ability.

No, neither one of us really want to live together & we still have some time before the Fall to discuss things, etc. The last time I moved her (4 or 5 years ago), we struggled to find her an apartment she could qualify for and afford.  Rental prices have really skyrocketed, here.  She did look into splitting the cost of a 2 bedroom rental with her BFF (female friend), but even that was a bit too much.  I did a quick search of "rooms for rent" and "room mate" rental and even those were pricey.

You make a good point about utilities, if her being here jumps up the electric more than $20-$30/month, I'll ask her to pitch in on the electric.  The rest of the utilities are fixed and don't change based on consumption.  Water does go up slightly, but its $2.65/thousand gallons and I really don't see her using 1,000 gallons of water for bathing, etc.  I don't buy cable TV, I tried it but found it was just full of trashy shows & reality TV that I couldn't get into.  I do have HULU, but even that has minimal shows that interest me. She uses her phone for internet & she'll continue to pay for that.

As far as groceries, you do make a good point about that.  Presently, the freezer is stocked completely full, there has got to be 3-6 months of meat alone packed in that thing, but we'll discuss that prior to her moving in. I actually found some London Broil on sale today, and bought a big "Value" pack and put that in freezer bags for later meals.

If things go completely south and we just can't make it work, I'll exercise the 30 day non-renewal of a month to month lease clause.  I am going to do a month to month lease - $1 month with 30 day "out" clause, so either of us can break the lease with 30 day notice.

You are also correct, she isn't much of a cleaner.  I do think this will be our biggest challenge, perhaps I'll do a "Chore Wheel" and try that.

I hope that resentment does not grow, but I guess we'll see...

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How do you own 20 pair of shoes on a fixed low income? 

Most of them are quite old (from when she worked) and she just never threw them away.

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

 I lost my dad fairly recently myself.

I'm so sorry about your loss...

My Dad is 90, his memory and thought processes are starting to get sketchy, so that was why I went back East this year and didn't wait for further decay.  I could tell he really enjoyed our time together.

[preraph]

She might weed out her shoes rather than pack them.  I think your actions show that you love her.  And you're protective of her too.  

[healing light]

10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You are also correct, she isn't much of a cleaner.

Perhaps this is the thing you can have her pay for? A regular house cleaner?

[SumGuy]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How do you own 20 pair of shoes on a fixed low income? 

 My thought was "only 20?"    That's not many if acquired over a decade or two, and no where near women I've known who have a love for shoes, try 100 pairs.  They did it by being very keen shoppers, no $200 pairs in there, etc. 

[SumGuy]

13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

 

You are also correct, she isn't much of a cleaner.  I do think this will be our biggest challenge, perhaps I'll do a "Chore Wheel" and try that.

 

Nice idea, but don;t expect much change on that front.  In fact plan on it not and you picking up after her to maintain things the way you like.  Is there something she is enjoys more domestically than you?  That might be the better arrangement.

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

She might weed out her shoes rather than pack them.  I think your actions show that you love her.  And you're protective of her too.  

No need for her to "weed" out any shoes, the custom rack is finished and looks great.  They bring her pleasure, so we'll just pack 'em up and she can visit them in her new walk-in closet.

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, healing light said:

Perhaps this is the thing you can have her pay for? A regular house cleaner?

We'll see... I'd really like to see her save as much as possible for a new car.  Her old Dodge is hanging on by a wing and a prayer.

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

 My thought was "only 20?"    That's not many if acquired over a decade or two, and no where near women I've known who have a love for shoes, try 100 pairs.  They did it by being very keen shoppers, no $200 pairs in there, etc. 

Yes... I know what you mean.  Many years ago, I dated one woman that had over 200 pairs.  It was an addiction (I think), there were Jimmy Choo's mixed in and all kind of name brands.  She owned her own business and could afford it, but sheesh there were A LOT of shoes.