Living with someone after 25 years of living alone

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

 Is there something she is enjoys more domestically than you? 

No, she isn't very domestic.  I do think that will be our biggest challenge.

[SumGuy]

Just now, Happy Lemming said:

Yes... I know what you mean.  Many years ago, I dated one woman that had over 200 pairs.  It was an addiction (I think), there were Jimmy Choo's mixed in and all kind of name brands.  She owned her own business and could afford it, but sheesh there were A LOT of shoes.

 I don't judge the love of shoes, I have my own love of books and backpacking/outdoor gear and art...I control my urges on tools.  I will say though of the women I've dated into their shoes, when they put on a pair that made them feel extra sexy, watch out.  I'm not even a foot or shoe guy.

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, SumGuy said:

I control my urges on tools.

I can't say the same, that is my weakness -- tools.  I do use them all, though.

[FMW]

22 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

This is not the way a woman should be talked about who has given you 8 years of her life. You speak as if you've known her only a couple of months. Sad!

I get where you're coming from GeorgiaPeach, but actions speak a lot louder than words.  Happy Lemming can't say he loves her and has a very careful approach to things, but I think his actions say it all.  It's easy to SAY pretty words but being willing to do this for her, even though it triggers some fears, shows the depth of his feelings for her.    

[OpenBook]

You never know, it might end up being fabulous and you'll wonder why you didn't do it before (move in together).  I wouldn't sweat it too much, Happy Lemming. Positive vibes going at ya!! }}}}}}}}}}} ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] )))))))))))))))))

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

I can't say the same, that is my weakness -- tools.  I do use them all, though.

The saying there is nothing like the proper tool for the job is so very true.  

[Gaeta]

Happy Lemming: keeping in mind none of you really want to live together but still cherish your relationship, to preserve what you have maybe instead of absorbing extra cost while she lives at yout place why not help her pay part of a rental of her own. 

I would make the maths, l wouldn't be surprised it would cost you less long term and preserve your relationship.

I am not againts you helping her fimancially, you've been together 8 years. I would even help her get a good car.  Example you pay it and she pays you back monthly or you give her a $1,000 gift toward the car and she payd the rest.

Edited January 29, 2020 by Gaeta

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Happy Lemming: keeping in mind none of you really want to live together but still cherish your relationship, to preserve what you have maybe instead of absorbing extra cost while she lives at yout place why not help her pay part of a rental of her own. 

 

I had to do that for this past lease renewal.  I'm paying her car insurance this year and filling her car with gasoline (from time to time -- not every fill up), so she could afford this past fall's renewal increase.

There is a finite amount of "wiggle" room in my budget, so I really can't do much more than I'm doing.  There is still A LOT of work yet to do on my fixer-upper home and I do want to continue to re-furbish this house.  Home Depot is becoming my second home, I think they all know me there, by first name. 

Her moving in with me, doesn't really cost me anything, except a minor increase in electricity and maybe some food, but I think that will be very minimal.

[Gaeta]

How old is she?

Maybe it's time for her to find a job. 

I will never stop working if it means I cannot afford to put a roof over my head. My mother is 73 and even though she is retired she still has a part time job she enjoys so she can spoil herself and plan little trips to see her grand children who live 10 hours away.

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How old is she?

Maybe it's time for her to find a job.

My girlfriend is little older than me and I'm 54.

She has been trying to find a part-time job for quite a while.  She keeps running into brick wall after brick wall.  No company will admit to it, but age discrimination is alive and well (at least in our area).  Once you are over 50 and unemployed for 6 months, no one wants to touch you. 

There may be some opportunities out by me, as I live in a pre-retirement/retirement/older people area and she lives in the city.  She might be able to find a little part time job as some employers hire from the local "older" crowd.

Good point, though...

[Gaeta]

My goodness, I am 54 and I am nowhere ready to retire 🙂 

She needs to think outside the box. She lives in a big city she can register to Uber and work on her own schedule, coffee shops, boutiques,  If she owns 20 pair of shoes then she cares about her appearances and she'll be hired eventually, it's just a matter of not giving up cause she gets a couple of refusal. 

 

[Gaeta]

She has like 30 years in front of her, why did she retire at all ! ? if it meant living in such poverty. She is at an age she can still be active and work full time. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

 She lives in a big city she can register to Uber and work on her own schedule, coffee shops, boutiques,  If she owns 20 pair of shoes then she cares about her appearances and she'll be hired eventually, it's just a matter of not giving up cause she gets a couple of refusal. 

 

Oh... it hasn't been a couple of refusals.  At one point, I set up a separate computer & desk (in my home office) for her to apply for jobs on the weekends.  I also have printed out hundreds of copies of her resume', so she could go door to door (in her area), and again nothing.

Her Dodge wouldn't last a week doing Uber and my car is a manual transmission (stick) -- she can't drive it.

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She has like 30 years in front of her, why did she retire at all ! ? if it meant living in such poverty. She is at an age she can still be active and work full time. 

I have asked her repeatedly, why she didn't plan for retirement or a "rainy day" and like most Americans; she spent what she made.  She never invested in real estate or stocks or anything.

She didn't retire by choice, when her job laid her off; she just never found another one.

[clia]

Wow.  When you said you guys were AARP, I figured she was at least in her late 60s or 70s.  But at her age, given her financial situation, she can't be "retired."  She should 100% be working, and not only part time, but full time.  Has she tried places like Target, Kohls, other retail, restaurants, fast food, etc.?  What about temping or substitute teaching or childcare (people in my neighborhood are always asking on NextDoor for help with picking up kids, watching kids in the mornings or after school, etc.)?  I don't know where you live, but there are help wanted signs all over the place where I live.  I guess I find it kind of hard to believe that she can't find anywhere at all that will hire her.  It makes me wonder if she's being picky about where she will work?

Given her situation, you are clearly going to be supporting her going forward, assuming you two stay together.  If you are fine with that, then no big deal, but it is something you really do need to consider.  By moving her in, you are definitely opening the door to that arrangement.  (And I get that maybe it's not adding that much extra cost to your life now, but what about later on?)   

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree with @Gaeta that there are a bazillion little side jobs one can get making decent money. "I can't get a job" is a completely lame excuse these days.

When I got into Dave Ramsey last year, I started doing service work on the side from time to time, to knock out my last lingering debt and start working my big retirement plan. I have higher-level skills I can market and make a lot more money, but at the time I just wanted to get more money rolling in immediately. Also, I spend all day working with my brain mostly at a computer, and the service work was a nice "don't have to think too much" break from that.

I was making an extra $500-1,000 a month working my side hustle in addition to my full-time professional job, meaning I've been tearing through my financial goals with a new vigor. And it feels amazing! 

(It's no accident that I attracted a super smart guy who's an expert in finance, given my total obsession with the subject of money/finance over the past year.)

One thing Dave Ramsey made me get back in touch with is that any work is honest work, no one is above any work. Cleaning toilets, babysitting, waitressing, cashier/clerk at a store, whatever. The point is to get out there and do something and build upon the momentum of the money rolling in.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I sense you enjoy this white knight / rescuer role. But I also get the sense that you'd be a lot happier and feel more alive if your girlfriend would empower herself and become more of an equal partner. Maybe something to consider.

Edited January 29, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Gaeta]

39 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

She didn't retire by choice, when her job laid her off; she just never found another one.

She stopped working how long ago?

I have a hard time with her not finding work. Your economy is doing pretty good, on top of that the babyboomers are retiring leaving lots of jobs open. Where I live we have a major 'major' labor shortage because of babyboomers retiring. 

[Happy Lemming]

26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She stopped working how long ago?

Its been a couple of years, can't remember the exact date, though.

Yes, I agree with you about low unemployment.  Personally, my "head hunter" has called me several times asking if I'm ready to come out of retirement.

Maybe gf doesn't present well when she interviews. I do notice she asks A LOT of questions when we go places, perhaps she is a bit too inquisitive when she interviews. When I ask how a job interview went she always says "Good", then we write a "Thank you" letter for the interview and then nothing.  No second interview, no call back and no job.

[Happy Lemming]

44 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 

When I got into Dave Ramsey last year,

I may be going out on a limb here, but I sense you enjoy this white knight / rescuer role.

Oddly, you mention Dave Ramsey, I purchased his book for her (used) a couple of years ago.  She read it, but nothing came of it.

No, I'm not a "white night / rescuer" individual.  I'm a rodent, through and through.

I do have the ability to analyze a financial problem and have done extensive spreadsheets, calculations, research, etc. attempting to avoid "living together".  Perhaps, prior to Sept., an affordable apartment will come on the market, we'll both continue to check the rental market.

[Happy Lemming]

57 minutes ago, clia said:

 Has she tried places like Target, Kohls, other retail, restaurants, fast food, etc.?  What about temping or substitute teaching or childcare (people in my neighborhood are always asking on NextDoor for help with picking up kids, watching kids in the mornings or after school, etc.)?

She has applied for basically everything...Again, she gets interviews, but nothing materializes.

[Gaeta]

You could simulate an interview and see how she goes about it. 

After 2 years she may be getting negative about finding a job, if she is convinced she won't find, convinced people are not interested because of her age maybe she sabotages herself without being aware of it. 

She is too young to withdraw pension money so she lives on welfare? I would clean houses before I apply for welfare. Actually cleaning houses is good money, it's around $60/h. You find 3 clients a week that's $360 clear in your pocket/week. 

[Ruby Slippers]

What's a rodent? 

If she doesn't do well in interviews, she could still get gig work for direct customers - house cleaning, babysitting, dog walking, pet sitting, errand running, data entry, on and on and on.

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I do have the ability to analyze a financial problem and have done extensive spreadsheets, calculations, research, etc. attempting to avoid "living together".  Perhaps, prior to Sept., an affordable apartment will come on the market, we'll both continue to check the rental market.

If you really want to avoid living together, you don't have to let her live with you. She's an adult and it's her job to take care of herself. She could live with roommates, be a caretaker for an old person in exchange for free room and board, be a live-in nanny. The options are endless.

Some people only work as hard as they have to work. My boyfriend was complaining that his 19-year-old son won't get a job because he thinks he's above service jobs. I said I don't want to tell you how to parent, but he'll get a job only when he HAS TO. I got babysitting jobs and was making $100 a week as an 11-year-old because my parents didn't give me anything beyond the essentials, meaning if I wanted more, I HAD TO WORK. When daddy cuts off the gravy train of paying non-essential expenses for his son, like his gym membership, Spotify subscription, clothes, cologne, etc., then and only then will he get creative and find a way to make some money. He's unintentionally spoiling his son and teaching him that he can rely on handouts, even as a grown man. Doesn't seem like the dynamic anybody should establish with a life partner.

[Happy Lemming]

8 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

What's a rodent?

Some people only work as hard as they have to work. My boyfriend was complaining that his 19-year-old son won't get a job because he thinks he's above service jobs.

Rodent = rat.  A Lemming (my moniker) is basically a nomadic rat.

In my past, I haven't been such a "nice guy" and admit that I was a "rat" to many women. I'm sure you have met some guys that you might call a "dirty rat".

Yes, I agree with you.. that some people have the ability (and drive) to hustle, work hard and make ends meet.  In past years, I'd do anything and everything that was "honest work".  I never did anything illegal or unethical, cleaning, home improvements, you name it. 

Your post have given me "food for thought"... Thank you.

[Happy Lemming]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She is too young to withdraw pension money so she lives on welfare?

Not on welfare... At 62, you can begin to collect your Social Security benefits (here in the US). 

[Ruby Slippers]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Rodent = rat.  A Lemming (my moniker) is basically a nomadic rat.

In my past, I haven't been such a "nice guy" and admit that I was a "rat" to many women. I'm sure you have met some guys that you might call a "dirty rat".

Interesting. I wouldn't have ever guessed that about you.

Quote

 

Yes, I agree with you.. that some people have the ability (and drive) to hustle, work hard and make ends meet.  In past years, I'd do anything and everything that was "honest work".  I never did anything illegal or unethical, cleaning, home improvements, you name it. 

Your post have given me "food for thought"... Thank you.

 

Not to belabor the point, but I think anyone able-bodied in the free world has the ability to work hard and make ends meet. Drive is a matter of mentality, which can be learned. But it comes from within. You could recommend she listen to Dave's podcast, but she'd have to have the self-determination to empower herself and live a better life.

I feel like taking her on in almost a parent-child dynamic could hinder her from doing this. Of course, plenty of couples have that dynamic and make it work for them. If it works for you and you're happy with it, great. But since you said this isn't what you really want, just giving some ideas.

Edited January 29, 2020 by Ruby Slippers