ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 So, I went out to a place (a bar pretty much) with my girlfriend who usually goes there with her girlfriends as a girls night out. The night started off fine, we were sitting at a table with her friends (another couple) and chatting and having a pretty good time. Her other girlfriend came and there was also another girl there she knew and then she wanted to go on the dance floor, so that's where we went but I didn't go on the dance floor, I was near by watching her things (purse and jacket). I was pretty much standing by myself watching her dace with her friends but she did come over a few times to give me a kiss and make very small talk. Later on, there was a bouncer standing in front of me, right in front me. She came over to him and gave him a hug and talked for a little bit and then went back out to the dance floor. It felt kinda weird because I was right there behind him and she acted like I didn't exist. She did come over a little while after that and I questioned who was he and she just said "oh he's always here when we're here and he's a nice guy and I just found out what his name is". Well, that didn't make me feel any better. So, we're getting ready to leave and while we're walking to the door, she leaves my side to go give him another hug. This hug was out of my comfort zone. It lasted too long, maybe 8-10 seconds give or take, her head resting on his chest and his chin/cheek resting on top of her head. We get to my truck and i question her about it, I said you just found out his name and he's already hug worthy? She just said he's a nice guy and always looking out for us. I made a comment of her being a regular there and she said she doesn't consider herself a regular because she only goes there maybe once every 3 months. Again, that doesn't make me feel any better either. The next morning we talk about it and she tells me she doesn't remember the last hug and that she's sorry. She also told me she didn't mean to make feel ignored or non existent. I didn't really accept her apology because it doesn't fix anything and what happened, happened. I mean, what else goes on that she doesn't remember. She says nothing else goes on but I just have a hard time believing that since she doesn't even remember that last hug. It shows me something lead up to that point. I don't know what to make of this. We have been trying to work on these types of things and we're also going through couples therapy which seems to work but after that night, I see no change from her. I even told her that and she said she does realize that and she doesn't know why she can't get it right. She also said she would just upset at me if I did that to her, but she keeps up being up that her being a social person is why she's like that. She said it seems like the only way for her not to do those types of things is by not going out, I told her I'm not telling her she can't go out but I asked to use better judgement when she does. In a way I actually believe that is the only way, but I'm not asking that of her. What do I make of this? Is she not telling me everything? is there more to it then that? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 People in bars & clubs like to feel special & like they belong. Many do this by cozying up to the staff. It makes them feel superior to the other patrons who aren't regulars. That was the sense I got from her behavior. I also understand why you are upset. Still I think she will always look for the validation from the staff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: People in bars & clubs like to feel special & like they belong. Many do this by cozying up to the staff. It makes them feel superior to the other patrons who aren't regulars. That was the sense I got from her behavior. I also understand why you are upset. Still I think she will always look for the validation from the staff. Hmm, that makes sense and I can understand that. I just didn't think she was that type. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Why are you two in couples' therapy, OP? What changes had you been hoping see from her? The lingering hugs were a bit unusual and I can see why you're not comfortable with it. It seems a little incongruent to say he always looks out for her and her friends, but she's not even there more than a few times a year. Perhaps they know each other better than she's letting on, or perhaps she's the type to seek out attention from men when she's been drinking and he happened to be in her reach this time. Having said that, I also sense there is more backstory here that could be relevant in framing the current issue more clearly. Have there been similar problems in the past? How long have you been together, and how old are you both? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 If she only goes once in three months, there can't really be anything to worry about. It sounds like she's just a huggy social person. It also sounds like she doesn't think she should change that. Maybe she's like that more when drinking? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 39 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why are you two in couples' therapy, OP? What changes had you been hoping see from her? The lingering hugs were a bit unusual and I can see why you're not comfortable with it. It seems a little incongruent to say he always looks out for her and her friends, but she's not even there more than a few times a year. Perhaps they know each other better than she's letting on, or perhaps she's the type to seek out attention from men when she's been drinking and he happened to be in her reach this time. Having said that, I also sense there is more backstory here that could be relevant in framing the current issue more clearly. Have there been similar problems in the past? How long have you been together, and how old are you both? We're in couples therapy pretty much because of this.... We're going on 7 years this year. I'm in my upper 30's and shes in her mid 30's. She also made a comment in therapy about her girls night out. She said she goes with her girlfriends and dances with her girlfriends and that's it. She said she has no intentions in meeting other guys or dancing with them. I didn't see her dancing with any guys, but what I did saw doesn't add up to what she said. Edited January 27, 2020 by ItsTheDay Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 7 years together. . . she is behaving in a way you don't like. . .is the relationship moving toward marriage or at least forever? If not maybe it's time to throw in the towel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 9 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: We're in couples therapy pretty much because of this.... Can you elaborate on that? What has happened in the past? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 You know, you have no reason to think she's dancing with other guys, BUT if she is, there is nothing wrong with that as long as they're not grinding on each other or making out or something. Dancing is kind of a group activity. Ever watch any old movies where everyone dances with everyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: 7 years together. . . she is behaving in a way you don't like. . .is the relationship moving toward marriage or at least forever? If not maybe it's time to throw in the towel I thought it was moving towards the better, I was honestly believing everything she told me. After seeing what I saw, it's making be think differently now. It's hard to explain but I feel like I don't really know her now? Or in a way I don't know her. She tells me she goes with her friends and that's it, so I take her word for it with no worries. Then I see what I see and it just makes me think it was all BS because something clearly led up with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, preraph said: You know, you have no reason to think she's dancing with other guys, BUT if she is, there is nothing wrong with that as long as they're not grinding on each other or making out or something. Dancing is kind of a group activity. Ever watch any old movies where everyone dances with everyone? I get that, but how she dances and the music she dances to is pretty sexual. All the guys I watched dancing with the random girls was pretty much dry humping each other. Edited January 27, 2020 by ItsTheDay Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Can you elaborate on that? What has happened in the past? If you read that topic, that is what happened in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 But you have no reason to think she is dancing with guys anyway. And is it the end of the world if she is? I mean, let's assume the worst. Let's assume she's grinding on guys on the dance floor with the intention of replacing you. Stopping her from dancing won't stop her from replacing you if that's what she's going to do! Your insecurity will run her off and create the thing you fear most, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, preraph said: But you have no reason to think she is dancing with guys anyway. And is it the end of the world if she is? I mean, let's assume the worst. Let's assume she's grinding on guys on the dance floor with the intention of replacing you. Stopping her from dancing won't stop her from replacing you if that's what she's going to do! Your insecurity will run her off and create the thing you fear most, though. I think you're missing the bigger picture. She hugged a guy, twice. The 2nd hug she didn't remember at all and it was way past the limit I'm conformable with. She doesn't remember what they were talking about but she does remember the first hug because that's when she got his name. She said he's there every night shes there but never got his name or could never remember it. She doesn't remember the 2nd hug, there could be other things shes done that she doesn't remember. She also clearly knows what she did was wrong and even told me she gets why I'm upset because she would not like me hugging a random bartender there in front of her. Edited January 27, 2020 by ItsTheDay Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: If you read that topic, that is what happened in the past. So she has hugged other guys in front of you? Danced? Flirted? I don't really know what you're not quite saying. Edited January 27, 2020 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Again, assuming your worst fears are true, there's no amount of monitoring or arguing with her that will make her leave you for another guy if that's' what she intends to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: So she has hugged other guys in front of you? Danced? Flirted? I don't really know what you're not quite saying. Ok, clearly you haven't read that topic I posted a while ago. I'll break it down for you.... She grew feelings with a guy at her gym, started being distant with me. First flag raised. We worked on it and moved on. Later on, she then started deleting text messages from a male coworker. Said nothing was going on but she didn't want me to read anything the wrong way. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) No, I hadn't read your other thread. I didn't know that was what you were referring to by "that other topic." There is clearly a history of her being less-than-invested in your relationship. I don't know what your therapist has suggested or your girlfriend's true feelings about you at this point, but there is much more to this story than this one hugging incident. I don't mean more to the story with this specific bouncer, but rather to the tension and uncertainty between you and her. Given the history, I can see why this was a triggering event for you. It's impossible for any of us to guess if she knows the bouncer more than she acknowledges, but all of this obviously highlights the lack of trust in the relationship, and your overall concern about her commitment to you. Have you two recently talked about her current feelings towards you and the relationship in general? Edited January 27, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsTheDay Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: No, I hadn't read your other thread. I didn't know that was what you were referring to by "that other topic." There is clearly a history of her being less-than-invested in your relationship. I don't know what your therapist has suggested or your girlfriend's true feelings about you at this point, but there is much more to this story than this one hugging incident. I don't mean more to the story with this specific bouncer, but rather to the tension and uncertainty between you and her. Given the history, I can see why this was a triggering event for you. It's impossible for any of us to guess if she knows the bouncer more than she acknowledges, but all of this obviously highlights the lack of trust in the relationship, and your overall concern about her commitment to you. Have you two recently talked about her current feelings towards you and the relationship in general? Yes, it's been discussed during our sessions. She assures me that I am who she wants to be with and continue to growing with. With the whole gym guy, she said she has no one to blame but herself and she feels bad that it happened and that she is disappointed in herself that she let it happen. She assured me that is not who she is and that is not what she wants. We did talk about my trust issues and I told her I will work on them, and I have. She knows right from what, so do I. She understand how I "operate" and said she will work more towards that. How I operate is, what I wouldn't like being done to me I wouldn't do it to her. After that night, I really see no change on her end. I didn't see the assurance she preached to me. It seems like the only thing that changed before that night was my trust issues with her. Edited January 27, 2020 by ItsTheDay Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 I can't stand fawning idiots like your girl, it's just stomach-turning. There is absolutely no need to be hugging and brown-nosing up to people you barely know, likewise for fawning all over other peoples partners, because for all she knows the security guy has a girlfriend who probably wouldn't appreciate her grabbing and groping him either. Reading through all your posts here, she sounds like an irritating attention-seeker. The guy at the gym, the co-worker, and now you're in therapy dealing with it, and are we blaming your 'insecurity' or are we dealing squarely with the actual problem - which is her? Women like this often call themselves "bubbly", but really they're just socially inept pains-in-the-azz disguised as pretty little things. Cut your losses and ditch this pea-brain. Find yourself a grown-up who knows what respect and loyalty are and knows how to keep her hands to herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ambereyes Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) Solely from your description, I think you overreacted. It just sounds like she was having fun. I wasnt there to see what happened though. But it's obvious you dont trust her. If you have trust issues, you should find an introvert girl who likes to stay in and not go out to bars and drink, who has tight boundaries when it comes to socializing. Your GF is the exact opposite and may be the worst type of girl you should be with because she is a very social and out going person and will trigger your alarm all the time. She should be with someone who has lots of trust and security. Edited January 28, 2020 by Ambereyes 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 She sounds like she's naturally flirtatious. Problem with a woman being flirtatious is she's going to get hit on a lot. Guys are going to misinterpret that as her coming on to them. She did it right in front of you. You either have to trust that she will not act on being hit on or you need to move on from her. Sounds like you are the worrying type. So if she doesn't curtail the flirting then you're in for a lifetime of worry. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 13 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: I don't know what to make of this. We have been trying to work on these types of things and we're also going through couples therapy which seems to work but after that night, I see no change from her. I even told her that and she said she does realize that and she doesn't know why she can't get it right. She also said she would just upset at me if I did that to her, but she keeps up being up that her being a social person is why she's like that. She said it seems like the only way for her not to do those types of things is by not going out, I told her I'm not telling her she can't go out but I asked to use better judgement when she does. In a way I actually believe that is the only way, but I'm not asking that of her. What do I make of this? Is she not telling me everything? is there more to it then that? uh, your making her change does not in any way count as "we trying to work on things" Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 13 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: no change from her. she can't get it right. she's like that. use better judgement Bring her to LoveShack. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 At some point, you might need to concede that you two are ultimately not compatible. This is who she is; she's shown you that several times, it seems. I know you don't want to confront the idea that you and she are no longer a match, but it appears that the writing has been on the wall for a while. Yes, she agreed to work it out and has gone through the motions with you, but I am not convinced that her heart is actually in it (based on what you have written) While the hugging might not be a significant issue in and of itself, it does appear to be symptomatic of the bigger problems in your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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