Erin2 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) I am a divorced single mom of 2 kids 32 years old and my only relationship in my life was with the father of my children, who I separated from in 2015.. however I had moved out and went back and forth in the relationship with him from 2012 to 2015, when our kids were babies. I met guys since then, but nothing ever went past a first date. A little over a month ago, I met an amazing man online. He has two kids and he told me he was divorced. He claimed he left his wife a year and a half ago, after an 18 year relationship. He had one relationship after that, that lasted a couple months. Right away, I confronted him on this because i saw it as a red flag... how could he get over an 18 year relationship (his first love whom he had children with) in such a short time ? Anyway, he is a very good talker so he ended up convincing me that he was over it, etc. So I gave him a chance. We went on some dates and they were amazing. We clicked on every level and we spoke every day. Good morning texts, goodnight texts and talking constantly in between. I ended up getting injured and having to go to the hospital and he insisted on picking me up from the hospital to drive me home. We started having dates at his place, and I spent the night. The morning after I first spent the night there, I was talking about my divorce and I come to find out he technically isn’t divorced, because he hadn’t filed the paperwork yet, and him and his ex apparently agreed on everything... shared custody 50/50 and that she would buy his half of the house that they had together. After their separation, she moved out of the house and rented an apartment. Then, they put their house on the market and she ended up wanting the house back so he moved into the apartment she had and she moved back into the house. But she never bought his half of the house ! What made me even more upset is the fact that he’s a lawyer and could have done the divorce a paperwork a long time ago but he claimed for him it’s just a formality (again, he’s a good talker). This bothered me but I let it slide and believed his smooth talk. Then, I started noticing other things that I saw as red flags. For example, one night, he was sad and depressed and did not sleep the whole night. What I found strange is he was listening to heartbreak songs but denying that he was sad about something in particular. I asked him if he wanted to see me on the weekend, he said yes... and he was happy that I asked because he didn’t want to ask me and bother me to have my kids babysat (I have 100% custody so I have to have my kids babysat whenever we spend time together). He seemed genuinely happy to want to see me and had planned to make me dinner at his place. Then his ex ended up calling him the day of our date and told him he couldn’t bring the kids back yet because she was back from a work trip and while driving on the highway, her wheel came off and she needed more time to deal with the car, without the kids being there. I told him we should reschedule, he insisted we see each other anyway... so he dropped off the kids when she was ready and came to pick me up for our date. I spent the night again at his place and the next morning, she was calling him nonstop because their son was behaving badly and she couldn’t deal with him. Then she came by his apartment cause she needed the kids swim gear... he gave her the swim gear but wouldn’t let her in and he claims he told her that he was with someone (that being me). He told me afterwards that she was pissed off that I was there and that she blamed him for all sorts of things. I don’t know what to do. I’ve kind of pulled away from him since this past week where all of this happened. He’s been wondering if I’m ok, and I just tell him yes I am. Since I began acting cold, he has also not been responding much to my texts. Before all this weirdness began, he invited me to his brother’s birthday party. I had accepted the invite. Although it is very weird because his kids won’t be there and he has no plans of introducing me to his kids anytime soon, I don’t think. I am completely torn as to what to do. I fell for this guy, but maybe he isn’t even over his ex yet. He still gets bosses around by her and doesn’t set boundaries, which is the reason he separated from her in the first place. So now, I don’t know if I should end it or give him a chance and confront him with all this. Also, I still to this day, don’t know why things didn’t work out with the woman he was with for a couple months after his separation. Maybe she felt the same things I’m feeling now and that’s why it didn’t work out. I am afraid that he will go back to his ex wife and that he is just using me for sex for right now. Edited January 28, 2020 by Erin2 To add more info Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 He lied about the divorce? Did I get that right? Everybody--EVERYbody knows there is a multi-galaxy-wide difference between separated and divorced ... or even divorcing and divorced. There is no wiggle room. Someone who would like (or even be vague) about that, red flag, stop. Not honest, dangerous. There are other lies to come. You're right to be weirded out. Sounds like his ex and he are quite emotionally involved! She wanted to come in? ... The sad songs ... yeah, pay attention to all of that. So yes, get out. This ain't gonna end well. And you say he's a lawyer ... frankly, you really wanted to walk out the door, into your car, and home ... and block his number ... once he made clear he wasn't divorced ... Not an accident. Lose this guy. You're setting yourself up for a world of hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 Wow. You are so smart. Everything you talked about I had to agree with your point of view. I'm surprised you are able to outline such a great analysis from the inside the relationship. Most people smear certain facts or misrepresent activities because of emotion but not you. The red flags you mentioned stand out like smoke from a fire on a clear day. Time to put those smarts and that clarity into action. Take the position that unless you see paperwork indicating a finalized divorce you are resetting the relationship status to friends without benefits. It's fine if you want this guy but you deserve a fair shot at it and not the looming chaos that an angry wife (notice I didn't say ex-wife) who still has her state recognized legal authority can bring to this situation. Force him to do the right thing. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 I certainly wouldn't go to the brother's birthday party because this man is still married and people will give you the side eye. The family may still be close to the wife and I'm sure they don't want to see the kids home broken up. I wouldn't go around them until he is divorced. You definitely have reasons to be concerned because they don't seem over each other at all. Also him being a lawyer there's no excuse that the divorce papers are signed and sealed. He's a liar. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 (edited) On 1/27/2020 at 8:01 PM, Erin2 said: Right away, I confronted him on this because i saw it as a red flag... how could he get over an 18 year relationship (his first love whom he had children with) in such a short time ? Anyway, he is a very good talker so he ended up convincing me that he was over it Lawyers and therapists are trained to corral conversations to their way of thinking. On 1/27/2020 at 8:01 PM, Erin2 said: his bothered me but I let it slide and believed his smooth talk. Never ignore your first mind because usually, it is always correct. You proceed at your own peril when you override your instincts and let your heart/libido take the wheel. On 1/27/2020 at 8:01 PM, Erin2 said: I don’t know if I should end it or give him a chance and confront him with all this. End it. All he's going to do is lie and mislead you to keep that hook in your cheek. That's how he's been proceeding so far-playing you out. Don't waste your youth behind him--you can never recover this time in your life and he will skip off into the sunset with his wife once he's done being mad at her. And don't go to that birthday party. His family will circle the wagons for the sake of the children while smiling in your face. On 1/27/2020 at 8:01 PM, Erin2 said: I am afraid that he will go back to his ex wife and that he is just using me for sex for right now. That's a distinct possibility, considering how his wife is still his legal spouse and he's in no hurry to divorce her. Edited January 29, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 On this board ... and in life ... in dozens of conversations and stories ... a first lie ... that a partner lets slide ... always just encourages further lying. Always. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 I'd walk....... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 (edited) On 1/29/2020 at 4:35 AM, Lotsgoingon said: On this board ... and in life ... in dozens of conversations and stories ... a first lie ... that a partner lets slide ... always just encourages further lying. Always. You teach them that you are a pushover, so they just take advantage of your good nature. Edited January 30, 2020 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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