Why does my spouse always want me to be the bad guy?

[penguins1010]

I have been married to my wife for almost two years now. We bought a home together last July and I absolutely love the home we bought. But I am having a really hard time being comfortable there. One day she is happy and the next day she wants to sell the home. The reason why is that we have a train close by that blows its horn during the night. And also the neighbor lets her dogs out around 5:30 am and they bark for a solid hour.

She finally started wearing ear plugs at night for the train noise. But she says they hurt her ears and takes them out during the middle of the night. So at 5:30 the dogs always wake her. I went to the neighbors home one night when the dogs were barking and asked if they could bring them back inside. She was really nice and apologized and said to let her know if we have any other issues and gave my wife her phone number the next day.

Fast forward to this morning the dogs were barking and the wife woke up in a bad mode. Once again saying she doesn't want to live here anymore and is going to sell the house. She gets so angry about it there is no way she can go back to sleep once this happens. I told her to talk with or text the neighbor about it because maybe she doesn't realize this is waking her up. But she doesn't want to do that. She wants me to contact her and take care of it for her. My issue is I don't get as angry about it. Why does she want to make me the bad girl complainer? I just feel that if it is bothering her that bad she should take it up with the neighbor. 

I also did a lot of research and found a company that makes sound proof windows for homes. She doesn't like that idea because the windows are expensive. But they would seriously be way less than selling our home and buying another place. We would lose so much money only being there a few months. I feel like anything I suggest gets shot down. That she doesn't even want to try and just wants to be angry. It is really wearing me out. What would you all suggest I do? 

 

 

[fishlips]

So this neighbor is still making noise after you politely talked to her? It may be time to call the police. And yes, your wife should be doing her share of talking to the neighbors.

That said, if your wife is that unhappy, maybe moving wouldn't be a bad idea. The windows may help, but she might have other issues with the house. It sounds like her issues are legitimate. Bad neighbors can certainly make life miserable. A quieter place may do both of you some good.

[penguins1010]

It's frustrating. One day she loves the house and the next day she hates it. I don't feel comfortable anymore. But you make good points. Everything is just so overwhelming. I can't solve everything by myself, I just can't.

Edited January 28, 2020 by penguins1010

[Els]

Her concerns are legitimate, but she should definitely be taking a more proactive role in fixing them. I suggest you tell her that you've suggested everything you can think of, you're open to other suggestions, but they have to come from her.

Also, never ever ever buy near train tracks!

Edited January 28, 2020 by Elswyth

[penguins1010]

It's the way she goes about it. Instead of helping with a solution she gets angry. I'm tired and I just don't have any more suggestions to give.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, I can see why this bothers you. Your wife is going immediately into panic and catastrophe mode. I mean, she could go and talk to the neighbors. Ideally that would be the case. But I get it ... if she had that skill and confidence, she would have done so. (Ideally, you approach them just explaining your sleep problems, not accusing them or threatening them.)

Sounds like your wife is deep into "this (the house) work work no matter what. We have to leave!" You're coming up with proposals and solutions ... the windows sound like a great idea, but your wife unfortunately is committed to things not working. 

Question: anything else going on in her life that would account for this kind of (over)reaction.  Frankly, I live in a city where car alarms used to go off and all kinds of noises ... and over time, I blocked out those noises ... the brain can learn to ignore those noises. My grandparents house use to sit near a train track. The train would come rumbling by ... horn blowing ... the first days I would be there to visit, I'd "hear" the train. The longer I stayed, the more I didn't notice the train. 

Any chance your wife is angry at you for some reason? Any kind of trauma in her background. She is slipping quite quickly into helplessness instead of going into problem-solving mode. Which makes me think, it's not the house or the barking dogs that she's upset about. Any chance you pushed for the purchase of this particular house against her hesitations or objections?

Is she affectionate? ... emotionally available? ... or has this situation "ruined" everything for her?

 

 

[penguins1010]

It was actually the house she picked out. But somehow I should have known that the tracks were close by. And you're correct. I do think there is a lot more going on than just the house. I'm a more laid back person and I think that infuriates her. I also don't do things the way she would nor do I think certain things are such a big deal. She has dealt with a lot of trauma in her past and I know some days it really gets to her. It has gotten worse since she/us have stopped going to counseling.

Yesterday we had such a good day, nothing bad happened between us. Then this morning she woke up in a bad mood because of the dogs and now won't even talk to me. 

[K.K.]

This is such a horrible situation. I feel so bad for you, P1010 ! 

Yea, the train is there and yea the dogs bark, I can see it as annoying. But both were there before y’all moved in. It’s like she’s going way overboard and using you as some kind of whipping boy. It’s not your fault that both train and dogs exist. You both signed the deed. 

It goes beyond both of those things, I think. 

She seems madder than hell that you’re taking it in stride and not mad at the world like she is. If it wasn’t the train and dogs, it would be something else. She has some issues. I couldn’t stand to live this way.

You’re really being treated horribly. I know I keep saying that but I just can’t get off of it.😪

I don’t see how you can stand this. I’m cringing just thinking about it. Let’s hope she gets back into therapy. Cause I don’t think it’s something that moving would even help. 

Good luck? 

[penguins1010]

Thank you K.K. That is what my nephew calls me

You are right, it would be something else. Another hoop to jump through, it never ends. I am tired of the silent treatment. How can I ever feel comfortable or secure this way? I don't do these things to her. And I don't feel I should be treated this way. She hangs on to so much anger and uses me as a punching bag. Strangers are treated with more respect.

Edited January 28, 2020 by penguins1010

[d0nnivain]

Your spouse is passive aggressive & that gets old fast.  

[penguins1010]

Yes very fast. I feel like I've shut down. Not a good place to be.

[K.K.]

3 hours ago, penguins1010 said:

Thank you K.K. That is what my nephew calls me   

You are right, it would be something else. Another hoop to jump through, it never ends. I am tired of the silent treatment. How can I ever feel comfortable or secure this way? I don't do these things to her. And I don't feel I should be treated this way. She hangs on to so much anger and uses me as a punching bag. Strangers are treated with more respect.

Hi again  

Your nephew called you a whipping boy too? ? 

What are you gonna do about it all? How can you live like this.

 

 

[penguins1010]

10 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Hi again  

Your nephew called you a whipping boy too? ? 

What are you gonna do about it all? How can you live like this.

 

 

Haha no he calls me Aunt K.K.

I'm not even sure what to do at this point. I'm really tired of being taken for granted. I'm such a depressed funk right now.

[K.K.]

10 minutes ago, penguins1010 said:

Haha no he calls me Aunt K.K.

 

Wait! Whaaaaaaaaaat ? 

Are you a woman? Makes no difference to me- no judgment here. Just puts an interesting spin on it.  

Edited January 29, 2020 by K.K.

[penguins1010]

3 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Wait! Whaaaaaaaaaat ? 

Are you a woman? Makes no difference to me- no judgment here. Just puts an interesting spin on it.  

Yes.. maybe I should have mentioned that lol.

[K.K.]

Yes. you should have! 🤪

It’s ok. Because there’s no reason why what I was going to tell you when I thought you were a guy, should really be any different now. 

Ok look. You said you felt taken for granted. Yep. See what I’m thinking here is that you’re sooo laid back and ok with the trains and dogs, that she is yes, mad at that and taking it out on you, like we already said. 

But what you don’t want to do is not say anything. Because sometimes someone will keep pushing and pushing to get some sort of emotion out of someone and if you’re trying to keep the peace and she’s pushing and pushing well... you know what’s going to end up happening. 

ONE day, you’re going to get sick of it and you’ll be done with it and her before she even knows what hit her. See that’s not fair. You need to put it out there and get s***ty if you need to and tell her flat out that you can’t put up with her s*** for much longer. If you don’t, she’s going to just keep pushing until you get fed up and then she will feel BLINDSIDED by it. 

And that’s not fair. Ya know? Don’t wait until you have to leave her and blindside her. Tell her now. Spit it out. 

Because the way it’s going now isn’t working. It’s not about the train and the dogs. It’s about her taking you for granted and you shutting down. She’s just going to keep pushing. 

[MsJayne]

No one should ever have to put up with neighbour's dogs barking for an hour, especially not at 5.30 to 6.30 in the morning.  I'd politely tell the neighbour again that it's got to stop as it's disturbing the peace. Maybe you have to do this for your partner because you're the more capable of remaining reasonable and calm. The other option is to just go ahead and lodge a noise complaint. Personally I think people who are that inconsiderate need the wake-up call.  I'm a light sleeper so I can relate, in the past I've been homicidal towards neighbour's with yappy dogs, (I never blame the dog - stupid people shouldn't be allowed to own dogs because the dogs end up stupid as well, there's definitely a correlation).  I'd see if your partner improves once the dogs aren't waking her every morning, and then if the trains are still a problem the sound-proof windows are the way to go, they're worth the expense. 

The other, more important, thing here is that what your partner is doing is actually a form of bullying.  How the hell are you supposed to relax when she's subjecting you to her neurotic crap every other day?  Unfortunately the best way to deal with people who carry on like this is to blast the living daylights out of them. Usually they're so busy bitching and bellyaching they never stop to think how their negativity is affecting others around them, and the shock of someone actually reading them the riot act will often stop them in their tracks.  Sharing a living environment with someone like this is absolutely enough to cause depression, and that's the thing about the bully who lives in your house - they rarely ever have depression, but they're often carriers.  

[K.K.]

12 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

 Unfortunately the best way to deal with people who carry on like this is to blast the living daylights out of them. Usually they're so busy bitching and bellyaching they never stop to think how their negativity is affecting others around them, and the shock of someone actually reading them the riot act will often stop them in their tracks. 

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSS !!  

👍 

[Lotsgoingon]

You mentioned possible trauma in your wife's background. Well ... my ex had trauma ... and I swear things deteriorated as soon as we moved in together. Later, after I fled the relationship like a refuge escaping political torment, I was talking to a therapist ... who speculated that some people with trauma ... living together is triggering ... 

Getting married oddly enough can be triggering ... Frankly, I sense you want to start thinking realistically ... your wife is not in problem-solving mode ... I hate to say it ... but that ain't gonna work long term.  Question: how comfortable are you with some verbal conflict?

There are times when couples need to argue ... when arguing is better than withdrawal and silence. Arguing without name calling. Standing up for yourself and speaking your truth can also be clarifying to you and to her. 

Did she withdraw like this in the past? I hate to say it, but she's become like a whiny kid. Adults try to resolve problems ... there are always random problems ... with anywhere you live ... kids bouncing basketballs ... people parking in front of your house ... not enough parking on the block ... neighbor puts garbage out too early making the rest of the block look dumpy ... rude neighbor next door ... gossipy back-biting neighbor next door ... You try to work with them ... and only throw up your hands in despair after you've tried multiple and repeated approaches are resolving things. 

If she can shift into this kind of mode, I gotta tell you: things ain't gonna work. 

 

 

[Caauug]

9 hours ago, MsJayne said:

The other, more important, thing here is that what your partner is doing is actually a form of bullying.  How the hell are you supposed to relax when she's subjecting you to her neurotic crap every other day?  Unfortunately the best way to deal with people who carry on like this is to blast the living daylights out of them. Usually they're so busy bitching and bellyaching they never stop to think how their negativity is affecting others around them, and the shock of someone actually reading them the riot act will often stop them in their tracks.  Sharing a living environment with someone like this is absolutely enough to cause depression, and that's the thing about the bully who lives in your house - they rarely ever have depression, but they're often carriers. 

Yes , like a typical wife..... Kinda ironic isn't it?

I've said too much now....

[penguins1010]

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You mentioned possible trauma in your wife's background. Well ... my ex had trauma ... and I swear things deteriorated as soon as we moved in together. Later, after I fled the relationship like a refuge escaping political torment, I was talking to a therapist ... who speculated that some people with trauma ... living together is triggering ... 

Getting married oddly enough can be triggering ... Frankly, I sense you want to start thinking realistically ... your wife is not in problem-solving mode ... I hate to say it ... but that ain't gonna work long term.  Question: how comfortable are you with some verbal conflict?

There are times when couples need to argue ... when arguing is better than withdrawal and silence. Arguing without name calling. Standing up for yourself and speaking your truth can also be clarifying to you and to her. 

Did she withdraw like this in the past? I hate to say it, but she's become like a whiny kid. Adults try to resolve problems ... there are always random problems ... with anywhere you live ... kids bouncing basketballs ... people parking in front of your house ... not enough parking on the block ... neighbor puts garbage out too early making the rest of the block look dumpy ... rude neighbor next door ... gossipy back-biting neighbor next door ... You try to work with them ... and only throw up your hands in despair after you've tried multiple and repeated approaches are resolving things. 

If she can shift into this kind of mode, I gotta tell you: things ain't gonna work. 

 

 

Thanks for your input. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. I do feel like things are deteriorating. There never really is any problem between us. If anything goes wrong she shuts down. Sometimes I just want to be heard. If we argue, which I think sometimes is needed and normal, she goes silent and won't acknowledge me for a day or two. If I talk rational she says I am nagging her. I just don't know what else to do. I don't know how to fix things that we can't even talk about or work towards repairing.

She has withdrawn in the past. When there is a problem she just checks out. And you're right it wouldn't matter where we lived ultimately there would be another issue. And that is fine there will always be issues. But they have to be worked through, not just pushed to the side until you explode again. I know her trauma has a lot to do with how she is. I just wish she could see that things could be different and try to approach things in a different way. I don't expect for her to just get over it. But at least work with me sometimes instead of against me.

I feel like the last few days I have became very distant. Monday I felt perfect and then Tuesday it was all taken away again. I just can't emotional handle feeling like this. I can't talk about it or show that it is bothering me. So what else can I do besides try not to feel?

 

[fishlips]

Are you the same gal whose wife just had a baby and was depressed? If so, then that's probably why she is in such a pissy mood right now.

Is she willing to go to the doctor and get help? That is probably what she needs right now. It's probably a good idea to hold off on selling the house or doing anything else until she gets better.

If time goes on and she just doesn't want to do anything, then there isn't much you can do 😞

[Lotsgoingon]

There is nothing you can do ... except get into reality with yourself. 

Sometimes I just want to be heard. If we argue, which I think sometimes is needed and normal, she goes silent and won't acknowledge me for a day or two.

This above is all denial and understatement ... likely destructive, self-destructive understatement. There is a catastrophic fire in your home ... and you're likely ... let me blow out the candle.

I feel like the last few days I have became very distant. Monday I felt perfect and then Tuesday it was all taken away again.

I'm sorry, impossible. No way can one day be "perfect" in a situation like this. You just have high capacity to compartmentalize and deny and pretend. 

What's in your capacity ... is to face your own issues. One does not accidentally end up married to a person like your wife. That was the humbling (and ultimately liberating) realization I had to face. Marrying this person was not one misstep. You have to willfully drive through multiple road blocks and barriers, cross median strips, ignore chasing police cars and sirens,  ... turn off feeling when you hit certain walls and crashed the car ... ignore inconvenience when you have to get the car repaired and take yourself to the hospital to attend to your wounds and fractures. 

You had to aggressively ignore problems and ignore your own feelings to marry a person like this ... The house ain't the issue. Barking dogs ain't the issue. It's just finally--after lots of bumps, bruises, stings, crashes--finally, you are having trouble denying/minimizing/pretending the reality of your relationship. You're still looking for a way to deny but your mind is really having trouble.

If I were to push you to be honest ... there's a lot more going on ... than her complaining about barking dogs ... 

 

 

 

[preraph]

I agree windows are a good solution.  I grew up under air force base and the low flying jets were deafening.  But I never really minded them.  It's all about attitude.  When I first moved to Dallas, there was a bunch of griping being done by residence close to the innercity commercial airport and someone whipped out a study that showed that if people found the noise "necessary," like it is our military, then they don't mind it nearly as much.  People around bases don't grip that much about it, but people near commercial airports do. 

 

I lived right next to a railroad for six years and it wasn't the noise that bothered me, even though I worked at home and had to be able to listen to audio, but getting stuck when a train was on the track.  

I've lived under families who woke me up fighting and kids screaming every day, and that bothered me most of all because I think the kids were being abused.  I've lived next to neighbors whose kids spent half a day outside screaming.  I mean, you can dislike it, but you have to be realistic. 

 

Normal people can get used to these things.  It's all about their attitude.  Your spouse has a bad attitude, an intolerant one.  You eventually tune out the train.  If you have any compassion, you realize the person is getting ready to go to work and her dogs need to be out for awhile.  Now, should that person at least try to do something to slow down their barking?  Of course.  But some dogs are just not perfect and they will all bark, especially if they only get out every few hours, or if there's anything going on outside like trash pickup or cat in the alley.  I lived in an apartment where that same thing happened above me, and I didn't like being woke up, but what I really didn't like most was that woman was too lazy to walk her dog and made it just pee on the balcony and then that dripped down to mine.  I just didn't like her negligence with her dog, and it was that I complained about, that she needed to walk the dog before work, not make it pee like that.  

 

Your spouse can't control the world.  She can only control herself.  And she should fight her own battles.  I dated a couple of weak men who were that same way, wouldn't even make a call to AT&T over a bill dispute or tell their boss they had plans when asked to work last minute.  I can't stand that.  I can't respect that.  

 

But yeah, windows.  Convince her it will save you energy cost over time and remind her that his is her problem and other people living nearby are able to roll with the flow.

Edited January 29, 2020 by preraph

[major_merrick]

OK, here's a game plan:

1.  You can't control the train, so you gotta let that one go.  "Should have" won't fix that one.

2.  Stop the discussion!  Save money, buy the windows.  It is your house too, and you don't need her permission.  Just act!

3.  Call the available authorities on your neighbors.  If they won't act, file charges for something.  Make their lives hell so they cooperate or move.

4.  OPTIONAL:  There are other ways to silence dogs.  Be creative.  Hell, hop the fence, stuff them in a crate, and take them to the pound. 

Women may tell you they don't like this, but they respect a man who makes decisions and take action.  Instead of taking action, you're asking, discussing, and playing subordinate.  Show her that you're the commander/protector of your home.  Figure out what you're going to do, and then do it.  Yeah, you need to be the bad guy.  Not in terms of your position in an argument, but you need to be the bad guy from the movies who kicks butt and gets stuff done.  One thing I've noticed about my husband - he refuses to get drawn into a discussion when I'm acting bratty.  He walks off and does his thing.  I dislike it, but there's not much I can do to drag him into an argument and fight about it.  You might want to try the same technique.  Be cool, give a minimal response, and do what's necessary.  Let her rage and toss things around, and she will calm eventually if you disengage and stay in control.