He couldn't just tell me the truth… He always had an excuse!

[20brokenhearts]


When the guy that I liked for a couple years messaged me out of the clear blue sky on Facebook I was shocked. I didn’t know what to think at first. I was happy of course. We started messaging each other every single day and had late night back-and-forth texting conversations til 3-4 in the morning for about a month I’d say. We would flirt and then talk about casual stuff, our personal aspirations for future careers as well as deeper conversations like grief, depression, and trying to stay happy. He gave me the courage to go and seek the current job I have now. He was very sweet and he just wanted to see me happy. It didn’t take me very long to discover that he had some personal insecurities and negative attitudes. For example one conversation we had went like this... Him: “life is bad” Me: “yeah but some things in life are good” Him: “Yeah but the bad always outweighs the good.” Me: “I understand how you feel it does feel that way sometimes but hey what about us reconnecting? Is that bad?” Him: “No that’s great makes me stay a little positive.”. He also explained to me that he had to leave the vocational school that we were attending because he needed to move out on his own.  Now I finished the vocational school and it is one of my greatest accomplishments along side me being able to drive and because he didn’t get those same opportunities I always felt bad talking about it with him. This wasn’t  what I wanted but I was willing to accept it. My favorite part about talking to him was when I would think I got a little deep with him or sounded crazy and he would say “I completely understand!” Him saying those words to me made me feel safe and understood. I’ve had a lot of crap happen to me and I’ve lost friends over it because they can’t understand that it’s not always easy for me to just put on a smile and shut up and act like everything’s alright. I could tell that he had feelings for me but I was confused a bit because he hadn’t asked me out yet. The one night I was upset and I asked my cousin for her advice and she said “why don’t you ask him out?” At first it wasn’t something that I wanted to do because I’ve never did it before and I was scared but I was more scared of sitting in limbo or losing him so I did it. And he responded very well he implied that he did in fact have feelings for me and he wanted to meet me. He told me that the reason he didn’t ask me out himself is because he doesn’t have a car and he was embarrassed I guess, but  I told him that didn’t matter to me. After that he kept asking me about when we were going to set up a time to meet because he was eager to do it. The morning of the date that we had planned he cancelled on me and said that he had to work and he was unable to meet me. I stayed strong even though I wanted to cry and I told him I understood. He is on his own so I know it’s hard for him and he can’t really pass up money. I also didn’t want him to think I was mad at him even though I was disappointed. After that things got a little awkward and I didn’t hear from him for a few weeks. I decided to reach out and he told me that he has been in a slump and he hasn’t been reaching out to anybody. I then told him that I completely understand and I’m here if he needs me and I let him be. A few months later he reached out to me and told me that he was doing better and he got a new job and he was being promoted to general manager. I was happy for him, but I knew it would be harder for us to get together. We talked here and there, but whenever I tried to make plans with him again he used the excuse that he’s busy with work. I noticed he wasn’t flirting with me anymore.  As time went on he was taking longer to respond to my messages which bothered me because he always responded pretty quickly. I was talking things over with my aunt and she told me that maybe he just isn’t looking for a relationship because he seems like he has a lot on his plate and he’s depressed. And it made sense so I believed that. I started to notice that this girl he works with posting stuff all over his Facebook page about staying strong and at first I did believe that they had something more than just friendship, but then I told myself “ no clearly he’s too busy with work and he’s not happy so he can’t be dating anybody else”! I reached out to him a week after that and  I tried to keep it casual and he was still giving me the brush off so I just wanted an answer and I sent him a message with which said: “Did I say or do something to make you stop talking to me?”. His reply was: “No of course not I’ve just been busy with work I’m sorry.” After that we had a catch-up conversation and I thought we were going to be all right and I was going to have to accept that he doesn’t have time for relationship right now. On Thanksgiving I decided to just say “Happy Thanksgiving” and I received no response which was strange because he always did answer me eventually and he was online. I thought that was totally rude so I said screw it I’m done to myself. I started to make an effort to improve myself and I started to smile again and be happy. I was adjusting. Until Saturday when that girl had posted a picture of him on his page saying “Happy Birthday and Promotion to my love ❤️” which meant they were together. I cried so hard that night and I felt like a complete fool. I didn’t know what was true anymore and what wasn’t. He lead me on and he made me believe that there is something there between us and I guess there wasn’t. And of course I’m sitting here blaming myself thinking that it’s something I did but I know that I didn’t do anything wrong. It still hurts though and I still get reminded of our text conversations almost like their haunting me. It’s hard to go to work because he helped me get that job. I’ve been just trying to do everything I can these past few days to not think about it. He wants told me that he always ruins everything that’s good for him, and I guess he was correct! 

  I decided to share my story because I wanted to see if anybody else had a similar situation. I just want to know that I’m not alone and seek advice from other people and learn how to cope with it so that I can move on. Thanks for taking the time to read it!