Finally said it's over! but Husband in denial

[Eggshellwalker90]

 

 

 

 So after 9 years and 6 of married years, (two kids 6 and 3yrs old) I have finally told my soon to be ex husband that I was no longer in love and I wanted out of this marriage. I have a post about what my marriage was like, but have no idea how to link it lol. 

So here's what happened: I poured my heart out to a therapist, told her the toxic way my husband would be, told her I was unhappy and how my needs rarely got met. Told her my guilt of developing a huge crush on a co worker years back, which she said was completely understandable, since one way or another, us as humans have to seek out our needs. It was liberating to make this choice after years of self doubt. 

The conclusion was, that It sounded like I have already made my decision I was just looking for someone to say it was ok, and she was absolutely right. I've always kind of thought that. I'm extremely close to my dad and Everytime I've told him my feelings about my husband, he's always encouraged me to stay since I married him and we have kids. Which to my therapist was a horrible reason to stay and was bad advice. I have no I'll feelings towards my dad, but I agreed with my therapist.

She said my marriage sounded like a gambling addiction. Just when you lose all your money, you win. Only for the cycle to start over and over. Cause I told her my husband would promise change, but was never able to fulfill my needs even after. And he would say enough nice words, and buy me flowers and treat me a bit better but not for long. 

my soon-to-be exH also has emotional and mental problems he has never dealt with in a healthy way, that I cannot be with him for. (His stepdad was abusive physically and emotionally, and his mom was no better ) I've been his doormat and output for his emotional problems and angst, and even though deep down he may mean well...his dark side always came out. (Irritability and unnecessary tension about miniscule things)

So NOW my soon-to-be exH seems to be in denial about me leaving him. He still feels like he will win me back cause NOW he is going to therapy and NOW he wants to do marriage counseling. It's been all talk before...but now it's too late. He wants me to go with him to a counseling session, and I agreed so maybe a professional can tell him it's over, all the while I feel like he wants some hope. I feel like he wants me to go so they will try to convince me to give him another chance. 

I just told him Saturday and it took him all day just to process it. He first started saying he wasn't going anywhere and this was not happening. I think he gets it a little now, but from other people talking to him have told me he's holding on still to a little hope. every time he mentions he has hope with me, I understandingly get upset because I feel like he's not getting it. Any comments/suggestions? Btw he has said he doesn't want me to move out so the kids can still be comfortable, and he wants to be able to pay for my car and make things comfortable for me which is great. There is still good in him, I just can't do it anymore.

 

[DKT3]

Honestly,  I kinda tuned out after you talked about the co-worker.  

Any time there is a third party involved everything else is cloudy and somewhat self serving.  The narrative is adjusted to absolve oneself of maximum responsibility of their own actions.

Secondly,  your therapist is horrible,  if your need was a million bucks would she condone robbing banks? Point being good therapist will never condone unhealthy behavior as a means to an end.

[Eggshellwalker90]

It was never meant to be disrespectful or encouraging the behavior to mention my feelings for someone else while married. nothing happened with that guy to even consider him a third party, I accepted my feelings and I never acted upon them. It was only to be seen as when you are as unhappy as I am in a marriage, you tend to seek your needs somewhere else. Which the way my therapist put, there are only two things you can do in an unhappy marriage: be miserable, or accidentally seek happiness cause it's just human nature to have needs met. 

I've always spoke open and honest to my husband about what I needed from him. He was never able to do that for me. And I found out way later in the marriage that he had depression he was struggling with that I became his punching bag for.

I know you don't know what I have put up with in my marriage, and I totally understand the reaction to me mentioning a crush I had years ago while married. I didn't feel good about it at the time, and my therapist was not saying it's ok. She was validating my feelings is all. She did not seem to encourage toxic behavior simply because we are married and have children, which I thought made her a great therapist.

Realizing that I'm not going to be fulfilled in my previous marriage is a huge indicator that my marriage is destined to fail and it's better off for both of us, since clearly that's not fair to my soon to be exH either. But no one knows what I went through, no one knows the unnecessary fights and tension and toxic nature he put upon myself and my kids. My son has his irritability and rude way of talking and has no idea why that's wrong, since that is what he's heard from Dad from the last 6 years. No one's witnessed the fights and yelling, and no filter of cussing or disrespectful behavior to me in front of my kids. I've been put down and disrespected way too long. my wishes to not be treated a certain way was ignored for years. 

I would honestly like support, since this is still not easy but I know it's the right thing. 

[elaine567]

Someone who calls themselves Eggshellwalker and who by her account here has put up with hell from her husband, would never be advised by a therapist with their client's best interest's at heart to stay and put up with more the same, surely?

[BaileyB]

I will admit, I also rolled my eyes when you mentioned the work crush - thought to myself, there it is...

But reading your other post, it sounds like your husband has not been very much fun to live with for a really long time...

He clearly has some mental health issues that he needs to deal with, although I’m sceptical about the “nerve damage resulting from depression...” And if there is one thing, it is that you are not going to be able to solve these problems for him.

if your divorce allows your children to have a healthy, healthy mother and a healthier, more peaceful home life, then you made the right decision. Best wishes to you. 

Edited January 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4 hours ago, Eggshellwalker90 said:

I'm extremely close to my dad and Everytime I've told him my feelings about my husband, he's always encouraged me to stay since I married him and we have kids. Which to my therapist was a horrible reason to stay and was bad advice. I have no I'll feelings towards my dad, but I agreed with my therapist.

 

<screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech>

"horrible" ???

 

really ???

 

I mean, it may not be the best  reason to stay...

 

It may not even be a good  reason to stay...

It's probably not in your best interest (OR that of the kids)  for you and their father to stay together solely for their sake.

 

And your father could be a horrible  person (for all we know)...

 

BUT he is  your father, and you're "extremely close"  to him.

 

But the notion that (the widely popular) "staying together for the kids"  reason to stay married  is  "horrible"  is a bit too much, even for this forum.

 

 

[Eggshellwalker90]

SincereOnlineGuy you are not wrong, in some cases it may be beneficial to stay for the kids. What i meant by it being a horrible idea, was that if your marriage was as toxic as mine, solely staying just cause you had kids with him, is not a good reason to stay. Which is what my therapist meant as well. In my case only, not in general. Everyone's marriage, or reason to stay or divorce is so different. I watched my husband not even live up to half of my expectations on what a good father should be. Why stay when there's not even that?

And BaileyB, yes that is correct. My husband has a lot of emotional/mental issues from his abusive childhood. I only knew a fraction of what he went through when we got together, and it was my fault alone to keep making up excuses of why he talked to me the way he does. My name is egg shell Walker for a reason. That's how I felt my whole relationship and marriage. Even after my husband got help, I felt like I deserved better since he was still picking fights and disrespecting me in front of our kids. Sure it wasn't loud yelling like before, but it still left me unsatisfied and empty.

I have always suggested therapy to him, and there was always an excuse of why he didn't need it/why he couldn't go. Honestly I could not be happier that I made this decision, and I know it will be best for my family and i. Just was looking for feedback/support or relatable stories is all. I wanted to connect with people going through something similar. And was wondering if anyone elses partner was straight up in denial after a decision was made. Which I think now he is getting the picture, but not sure.

I know none of you know me as a person, and you can read into whatever words I'm writing and think of me in any way you want. So I get it, but thanks for those who are not being judgy. 

 

[schlumpy]

That you don't love him anymore is a good enough reason to get a divorce. He may not realize right now, but you are doing him a favor. Your role now is to make this life changing event as painless as possible for the children's sake, his sake and your own. You can afford to magnanimous since you will be the only one getting what you want.

Don't stay in the house. Get out as soon as you can, so he can start coming to terms with the new reality. Start paying your own way so there is a clear message you are no longer dependent upon him. As long as your husband does nothing to impede the divorce, please give him the gift of not dating until it's final.

Get out with a clear conscience,  promise to be the best parent you can be and then crush away.

[Eggshellwalker90]

Schlumpy, that is my exact plan. My number one goal is to make this as painless as possible for the kids. I have already let him know that I will make this process as easy as I can. That i still care about him as the father of my children, but I cannot be with him anymore and that is all.

And I already have a job lined up right now, and I have plans in place on what I'm going to do. I have always put my kids first, without hesitation. I'm hoping my husband is able to do the same. Thank you 😊

 

[vla1120]

18 hours ago, Eggshellwalker90 said:

I have always put my kids first, without hesitation. I'm hoping my husband is able to do the same. Thank you 😊

...And that is the answer, in my opinion. As long as you are putting the needs of your kids first, you cannot go wrong. Hopefully he is able to do the same and come to terms with this. 

[PegNosePete]

On 1/28/2020 at 9:27 PM, Eggshellwalker90 said:

maybe a professional can tell him it's over

I'll tell you the best way to make sure he knows it's over: forget counselling and therapy, see a lawyer instead and send him a divorce petition.

He might not accept it, process it, understand it, like it, or even sign it, but it won't make a jot of difference. If you just get on with the practical steps of dissolving the marriage, his denial won't be your problem any more.

 

[Blind-Sided]

ok............. ummmm............. where to start........

First... this is why I think an individual counselor is a HORIBLE thing when you are married an have kids. That person doesn't care about anyone other than themselves. (ie, making a paycheck)  So, they want to help you, and ONLY you, and they will go down whatever path is needed to help you justify and move forward.  On some level that's not a bad thing for the individual... but you made a commitment to someone else, and you brought new life into this world.  At that point, "Individual" actions are selfish, and in turn will eventually hurt the children you brought into this world.

Second...  Did you even make this "Real" to your husband in the past?  When my ex went off the deep end, and went from "I love you" to "I fear for my life" on the SAME DAY... never once did she actually bring up that she was unhappy to me. (20 years) And honestly, she didn't ask me for a divorce, or separation for a couple months after, and while I was trying to figure out what went wrong. But, I heard from the neighbors that I was refusing to see anyone, and refusing to move out.  So, I'm sorry if I'm being a little harsh, but the truth is, so many women simply never communicated their feelings to their husbands. WE DO NOT read minds. Reflecting on my first point... you should have listened to your father, and booked a couples/marriage councilor and gone.  Even if your husband refused, at least at that point it was clear on what you needed.  And that brings me to my next point...

Third... As others have already said... your eye has been drifting already. That means you don't care about the marriage, and you were self destructing long ago.  So, things you were fine with at one time, bother you to the point of placing blame on your husband.

I didn't read your other thread... but if you were in actual danger or had a tangible issue (Drugs, gambling, cheating, so on) then by all means, end it, and get safe !!!!

With all that said... any advice given here is irrelevant.  You have already checked out of your marriage, and made up your mind.  You do not want to give your husband, and your Family a chance to be whole again.  SO... the only real advice I can give is... STOP HURTING THEM !   Pack up a bag, move out, and file for divorce. Make the cut clean, and the healing can begin for the people you are leaving behind. The longer you stay, and the longer you let your husband think he has any chance on salvaging the marriage... the worse it will become.

Oh... one last thing to think about.  Regardless if you get divorced... the one part of your wedding vows that you can not escape is "Till Death do us part."  Since you have kids... you will be part of each other's lives forever. (birthday's, graduation, grandkids, so on) This is the part that is killing my ex.  She is angry, and hates talking to me... and is still blaming me for things.  But she see's that the lies she used to get away are just that... lies.  My kids love me... my house is clean... and I'm now a happy person. 

I wish you piece with your new life.

Edited January 31, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Blind-Sided]

23 hours ago, vla1120 said:

...And that is the answer, in my opinion. As long as you are putting the needs of your kids first, you cannot go wrong. Hopefully he is able to do the same and come to terms with this. 

Absolutely.  And that's what I heard from my ex. But the reality is... she was so wrapped up in blaming me for everything, and making me into a monster.  She tried to convince my 13yo that I was a monster, and tried to get her to agree to only give me bi-monthly visitation. (Actually told her she would become my slave if she lived with me, and that I never wanted to have kids) The problem was... my 13yo is smart, and figured out the truth.  In turn... she decided her mom had gone a little crazy, and doesn't want anything to do with her.   SO PLEASE... do not try to turn the kids to one side or the other if you really care for them. You don't have to sugar coat things, but only talk in a positive manor about their father. Or, it could come back to hurt you. (my 13yo won't even say "I love you" to her mother anymore)

[2BGoodAgain]

hmm.....

I think your husband may have done you wrong, but i also think you've made up your mind to leave but decided that you can't unless he's become something worthy to leave.

I've met too many people who convince themselves that the person they're with is so unworthy or so wrong or so evil, that being with them is not reasonable. They really believe it themselves, they find friends or therapists to go along with their reasoning for doing things by giving them limited or slanted info about their lives.

I've seen this happen often. They justify/rationalize what they did in the past or about to do in the future, by making it seem like their partners were crazy or disabled or pity me, i'm in a horrible relationship... but only to find later... that it wasn't that bad or it wasn't some one sided relationship... that the other person DID care about them, it's just they didn't care or want to be with that person and didn't really had a good reason why other than selfishness or an unreasonable superficiality.

the point i'm making is... that you may really believe your hub/relationship is truly horrible, but that's your perception and it may not necessarily be reality.

I'm not here to change your mind... you should leave, for the sake of your hub and your 2 kids... but i'm saying this for you... you really need to see the reality of your surroundings. B/c honestly, if ur hub is truly seeking reconciliation with couples therapy, etc... and you are going just so that therapist says the relationship is over...  that's just wrong. If you can verify he's being sincere with this reconciliation, isn't it worth the stability of your kids to stay to see. AND IF he isn't sincere, then yeah...totally, leave it. he's obviously not willing to change. BUT IF he is willing to change... isn't this relationship or your kids worth that few more weeks or therapy?

But i think you can't find justification within your own strength/reasoning to end the relationship, so you're looking for others to justify it for you. Other people use affairs to end it, for example. To force it to end. 

I'm not saying he isn't as horrible as you've stated, but what we read is just how you perceive things, not the whole picture.

Anyway, i wish you much luck in your future endeavors and hope you can see how you're manipulating the situation to get your end result.

Edited January 31, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Absolutely.  And that's what I heard from my ex. But the reality is... she was so wrapped up in blaming me for everything, and making me into a monster.  She tried to convince my 13yo that I was a monster, and tried to get her to agree to only give me bi-monthly visitation. (Actually told her she would become my slave if she lived with me, and that I never wanted to have kids) The problem was... my 13yo is smart, and figured out the truth.  In turn... she decided her mom had gone a little crazy, and doesn't want anything to do with her.   SO PLEASE... do not try to turn the kids to one side or the other if you really care for them. You don't have to sugar coat things, but only talk in a positive manor about their father. Or, it could come back to hurt you. (my 13yo won't even say "I love you" to her mother anymore)

EXACTLY!! I'm sorry your wife tried to turn your daughter against you, Blind-Sided. That is NOT placing the needs of a child first. Plus, someone once told me something that stuck with me. When you complain to your children about their other parent, you are basically showing hatred or disdain for half of your child, since they are made up of equal portions of the two of you. Most kids WILL eventually figure out the truth and hold it against the parent who tried to turn them against their other parent. I apologize for getting off topic and talking so passionately about the needs of children during separation/divorce. I've seen so many kids get the short end of the stick because one or both of their parents used them as pawns in their battles with one another. It's just wrong.

Edited January 31, 2020 by vla1120