Should I take the next step or break up?

[potestatum]

Hello guys.

So I have been with this girl for 2+ years.
We are both at our early 30s.
We currently live together at the flat that I rent (for 1+ year).

She made it clear that she wants to take the next step and get married with me,
have children and move to a new house near her parents very soon.

I am not against marriage and children,
but I do not want to make the wrong decisions and do these things
with the wrong person as it may have really bad consequenses in the future
for both of us and for our children.
Thus, I am now in the process of thinking of what to do and either
proceed or break up as I do not want to waste her time and mine
in a relationship that leads nowhere.

Issues:
I love her very much and I am never bored of hugging, cuddling and kissing her.
I love spending time with her. She takes care of me by preparing meals etc.
However, not everything is going so well.
There are jelousy, behavior and anger management issues.
Only one small thing is enough for a huge fight to begin.
She analyses everhything and I have to prove that I love her almost every day.
When she is angry she shouts, says hurtful things and her only purpose is how to make me feel bad, instead of finding a solution to the problem.

I feel that my decision is very difficult.
On the one hand I feel that I am with a caring, loving person,
but on the other hand I feel that I am with a ruthless, disrespectful person.

I am afraid that this may create issues in our marriage and in raising our children.
I have discussed it with her several times. I am not sure that this is going
to change as it happens again and again.

So I need some advise guys.
What do you think?
Should I take my relationship a step further or not?

Thanks for your time and sorry for the long post.

[stillafool]

Do not be pushed into marriage.  It is one of the most important decisions in your life.  If she yells and screams at you is disrespectful and ruthless it will only get worse after marriage and kids.  That's when the stress will be the greatest.  Also jealousy is a problem.  You decide what is best for you and do it.

[d0nnivain]

No your decision is pretty easy.   You can't marry a woman who is that insecure & argumentative.   Tell her that. You can offer relationship counseling to find a more happy medium.   You do need to learn how to disagree before marrying.  Frankly IMO if you need a referee before marriage then this is a poor prospect.  

Getting married should be an easy decision -- because you can't live without the other person & logically because it makes sense.  This level of doubt is screaming at you that this is not the right fit  

[potestatum]

When we are not fighting I feel like I can not think of myself without that person. That I want to be with her for my whole life. But when we fight and she treats me like that, I just want to break up and not see her again. 

And on top of that I feel the pressure of her that I need to make the next step.

It is so confusing.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Then do try the counseling.   You two may have a simple communications issue.  It's OK to disagree but sometimes people need to learn how to express their frustrations without undermining the whole relationship

[potestatum]

I think you are right. I will try going to a counselor. I will have a couple of sessions alone at the begining and then if I see that it will be helpful for both of us I will ask her to do the same. 

[JTSW]

On 1/29/2020 at 10:56 AM, potestatum said:

She analyses everything and I have to prove that I love her almost every day.
When she is angry she shouts, says hurtful things and her only purpose is how to make me feel bad

This is why you shouldn't marry her.

This behavior will get worse over time.

 

[2BGoodAgain]

sounds like you have legitimate reasons to be worried... what doesn't get fixed before the marriage, rarely gets fixed once married.

speaking of solutions, have you thought about getting couples therapy? though, it might be her issues you have a problem with, sometimes, it involves two....:)

[FMW]

You have a list of "issues".  So it would be a bad idea to marry her.  It's extremely unlikely any of those issues will change, and it's possible they may get worse.  Do you love her enough that you will be ok with these things for the rest of your lives?  A good relationship and certainly a good marriage requires more than love.  

[VioletVelvet]

On 1/29/2020 at 9:18 AM, d0nnivain said:

Then do try the counseling.   You two may have a simple communications issue.  It's OK to disagree but sometimes people need to learn how to express their frustrations without undermining the whole relationship

Communication is the most important part of a successful relationship, IMO. She's showing you she's terrible at it. This does not mean she can't improve but she has to be willing to make that step, and counselling was the thing that immediately came to my mind. If she's not willing to go to counselling and figure this out then that's a massive red flag. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You either need to #### or get off the pot. Stringing her along and enjoying benefits when you aren't wanting to marry her is not right.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, what you’re really saying is you like the sex and companionship, but not the person providing those benefits. 
 

Zero chance of long term happiness and satisfaction as things stand now. Either fix the relationship or move on...

Mr. Lucky 

[central]

You seem to be a doormat. Set your own priorities that must be met to move forward, or recognize that this is an imbalanced relationship and move on before you're trapped into a miserable existence.

[potestatum]

So I asked her today if she would like to go to a counselor with me. She didn't like it. Told me that this is like we can't take care of our own problems and we need a counselor to do that. Moreover, she said that she didn't like the idea of me going to a counselor alone either.

I tried to explain to her in a calm way that I believe that the counselor could be helpful for both of us and make our communication better and easier. 

I told her to take her time and tell me what she decides.

She didn't say a word to me for a couple of hours and just went to sleep afterwards.

Obviously she didn't like the idea of the counselor and she seemed really upset that I suggested that.

What do you think?

[d0nnivain]

I think she's short sighted.  If you had cancer would she advise against seeing a doctor?  

[Whodatdog]

The decision to marry someone should be something that makes you happy and excited and glad to have a future with her. I dont see any of that here. 

[potestatum]

@Whodatdog I am concerned about the future. That's why I am looking for a way to solve the issues I believe we have before getting into something so serious.

[Fletch Lives]

2 years is enough time to decide whether you should marry a person or not.

 

I would not marry a moody woman. The best couples only have a handful of arguments per year. They talk things out like friends.

[potestatum]

Yesterday we got into a fight again.
She got out of her mind and started calling me names like a**hole and go to hell.

 I remained silent.

I told her i do not want to say anything at that time and we should discuss it later.

She kept yelling and trying to make me feel that
i have the issues.
When she understood that i would not play her game she started talking more calmly and started crying.

I did not give into that as I find it manupulative behavior.

All in all, those are some times that I wonder how I can be with that woman.

There are times I am blaming myself that I should have handled the matter differently so she would not get angry.
But on the other hand I feel that it is not my fault that she can not control herself and her insecurities.

[neowulf]

On 2/10/2020 at 7:40 PM, potestatum said:

Yesterday we got into a fight again.
She got out of her mind and started calling me names like a**hole and go to hell.

 I remained silent.

I told her i do not want to say anything at that time and we should discuss it later.

She kept yelling and trying to make me feel that
i have the issues.
When she understood that i would not play her game she started talking more calmly and started crying.

I did not give into that as I find it manupulative behavior.

All in all, those are some times that I wonder how I can be with that woman.

There are times I am blaming myself that I should have handled the matter differently so she would not get angry.
But on the other hand I feel that it is not my fault that she can not control herself and her insecurities.

A friend of mine recently married a woman who "accidently fell pregnant" when her birth control "failed".  In other words, decided she wanted to get pregnant and took the decision into her own hands.

They were constantly fighting.  She was mean, abusive and manipulative constantly.  

But, he wanted to be Dad to his kid, so he decided to suck it up and grit his teeth.

Fast forward, they are now seperated and in the process of what is turning out to be a horridly ugly divorce.

She is doing her damn best to take him for everything he has and prevent him from seeing his daughter.

My friend, please.  There are some choices you can't take back.  You can only live with the concequences.

It's a big world, there's a lot of people in it.  Around 50% of the worlds population are women.  No one is worth taking abuse from. 

Let me repeat that.

No one. Is worth. Taking abuse from.

Please, find yourself a counsellor and talk with them about your position.  You don't need her permission.  

 

Edited March 20, 2020 by neowulf

[Caauug]

On 1/29/2020 at 6:56 PM, potestatum said:

She made it clear that she wants to take the next step and get married with me,
have children and move to a new house near her parents very soon.

She knows what she wants and has an end goal in mind. How is she going to get there? Call it a "Dream"?

On 1/29/2020 at 6:56 PM, potestatum said:

She analyses everhything and I have to prove that I love her almost every day.

She is not sure if you are the one that is able (or that she wants) to give her the "Dream".... 

 

On 1/29/2020 at 6:56 PM, potestatum said:

When she is angry she shouts, says hurtful things and her only purpose is how to make me feel bad, instead of finding a solution to the problem.

This is partly a test, will you put up with her in the bad times? How much can she belittle you and you still be there?

This is also bulling and a power struggle. If you do not like this confrontation and back down, she will learn to use it again to get her way. She is trying to find a way to control you....

On 1/29/2020 at 10:16 PM, potestatum said:

And on top of that I feel the pressure of her that I need to make the next step.

She is now in her 30's, she is not getting younger, it's time for her to settle down to get her "Dream". If you are not the one to supply it she will need to find someone else (SOON). That is her pressure. She will not want to be in her 40's looking for your replacement.

 

On 2/8/2020 at 5:32 AM, potestatum said:

So I asked her today if she would like to go to a counselor with me. She didn't like it. Told me that this is like we can't take care of our own problems and we need a counselor to do that. Moreover, she said that she didn't like the idea of me going to a counselor alone either

Why would she want a counselor to tell her she is doing things hurtful? She knows she is, but if it works to control your actions and get her way, it is fair game for her.

 

On 2/10/2020 at 5:40 PM, potestatum said:

I remained silent.

I told her i do not want to say anything at that time and we should discuss it later.

She kept yelling and trying to make me feel that
i have the issues.
When she understood that i would not play her game she started talking more calmly and started crying.

I did not give into that as I find it manupulative behavior.

All in all, those are some times that I wonder how I can be with that woman.

There are times I am blaming myself that I should have handled the matter differently so she would not get angry.
But on the other hand I feel that it is not my fault that she can not control herself and her insecurities.

Very good!! You stood up to her crap and did not back down. A little late if she has been doing it for years.... Keep doing this and not reward her for her bad behavior. The crying is also try to manipulate your actions, don't fall for it.

Don't worry she can control herself, it's you she is trying to control. Let her find a way pleasant to you that will let her get her way..... Reward good behavior.

It's up to you for the next step but remember she has a "Dream" to safely reproduce (house & kids) that evolution has given her. She knows time is ticking and she is looking for the mate that will give it to her. SOON (same as above SOON) you will have to decide if you are the one to give her what she must have in her "Dream". It matters not how she has treated you, do not be cruel and string her along to for too much time. 

On 2/5/2020 at 12:14 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

You either need to #### or get off the pot. Stringing her along and enjoying benefits when you aren't wanting to marry her is not right.

Thank You.

[Els]

On 1/29/2020 at 8:56 PM, potestatum said:

She made it clear that she wants to take the next step and get married with me,
have children and move to a new house near her parents very soon.

Yikes!! This alone would send me running for my hills if I were you.... 🤐

[stillafool]

On 2/4/2020 at 11:09 PM, Mr. Lucky said:

OP, what you’re really saying is you like the sex and companionship, but not the person providing those benefits. 

If you marry there will be a time when the sex will not be as plentiful nor enjoyable because of the issues you are already experiencing.  She sounds like a bully and it will only get worse.  I agree she doesn't want to go to counseling because she knows the therapist will be on your side.

[MsJayne]

No one should ever marry someone they have even the slightest doubt about. Aside from that, I believe her insecurity, jealousy, etc, in your relationship comes from the subconscious knowledge that , while you may care for her deeply, you're not in love with her and never have been. People who are genuinely loved don't get jealous because they feel safe and secure in the relationship. Too many men get railroaded into marriage by women they've been having a long-term casual relationship with, guilt-tripped into it if you will. The women often achieve this end by getting pregnant and forcing the issue. This usually ends in a nasty divorce. If you really wanted to spend the rest of your life with her you wouldn't be asking the question. I say don't do it.