do you have times when you feel like wanting to be loved?

[Aladka]

I have been in an A with a MM for 4 years. At first I didn’t know he was an MM and I wasn’t that serious and not attached to him but I fell for him and I am sure he wasn’t serious about me either but yeah I fell for him. I found out that he was an MM but still stayed with him. I love him. There was a time when I really felt that he loves me. I could feel it. We don’t often have sex but we do talk almost everyday but still I feel so insecure at times.

I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but get jealous of his wife. I get jealous when I know they went on a date and spent a nice weekend together.

I can’t help but think she’s so lucky she get to find a man who will love her like that. I wanted to be love like that too.

I ended my relationship with MM and tried everything I can to fall for someone else but it seems that no one can really love me like that. I wanted to feel love.

We got back together. MM made me feel loved before but I can feel that he is slowly changing, probably because his wife and him are doing good now unlike before. So I can no longer feel love. No matter what he does, all I could think of is that he was lying. Even if he says he love me he is still lying so every time he says that I just feel even more desperate to feel loved.
 

I miss the times when he make efforts  for me. I miss that MM but I know that MM is gone. I broke up with him but he’s not making any effort to win me back so I know it’s over. 
 

I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

[K.K.]

Oh yea, you’re stuck in the one sided sludge that is an affair. Get out now. 

Or stick around and want to put a bullet in your head. 

You get over it the same way anybody gets over any love affair. With some sort of attempt at dignity..... one day at a time. 

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, Aladka said:

I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but get jealous of his wife. I can’t help but think she’s so lucky she get to find a man who will love her like that. I wanted to be love like that too.

I ended my relationship with MM and tried everything I can to fall for someone else but it seems that no one can really love me like that. I wanted to feel love.

I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

Indeed, he loved her so much that he slept with another woman. He lied to her and betrayed her for four years! She is really lucky, not.

I’m sorry, I don’t really buy the idea that this is the ONLY man that can make you feel loved. Many people have multiple relationships over their lifetime, all of which bring joy to their lives and the feeling of being “loved.” 

If you are going to find the love you seek, you will need to stop repeating this self limiting belief that this unavailable man is the ONLY man for you. Because he is not. 

You can indeed feel this way again - you just have to find a single man who is available to be in a loving and committed relationship with you. Good luck with your search. 

Edited January 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[jah526]

Aladka, you’re in love with a mirage. I was/am too. Mine could turn on the charm like no one else, and I miss that guy, but it wasn’t really him. The guy he really is is a person who only cares about what’s best for him. But it’s hard to see that real person behind the mirage. All I can offer is to make the mirage your own - keep it as the good part of him who tells you he loves you and makes you feel good. And let the real guy, who is full of flaws and weaknesses that he has to hide, go back to his poor wife. 

[mark clemson]

Suggest you move on completely and then give yourself some time to get over him, Aladka. Then you'll hopefully be able to find someone else for a good, normal, healthy relationship with someone you can fully have.

[Daisydooks]

21 hours ago, Aladka said:

she’s so lucky she get to find a man who will love her like that. I wanted to be love like that too.

Please read this statement again. This is the epitome of delusion. 

She is so lucky to have found a man who has sex with other women and an ongoing affair for 4 years? I call that not lucky at all. 

Sweetheart, you're the lucky one. You're not stuck with the idiot. 

[Aladka]

But she doesn’t know that he is cheating on her so they get to live happily, go on a date and spent quality time together. Since she doesn’t know about it then she’s not hurting.

Of course I will not think she’s lucky if she knew about it and if it’s affecting their relationship. He is really good at making sure she will never know anything.

Thank you for kind words tho.

He started talking to me again but I know that he is no longer into this A as much as he used to. I am still hurt. I just wish I can learn to stop feeling anything for him asap.

[mark clemson]

There's no magic trick to that, but making a firm decision (to be completely done with him) and acting on it can help. Strongly suggest you don't let him "reel you back in" to the affair as that will just prolong your distress. Make a firm commitment to move on and find someone you can be with fully.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Aladka said:

But she doesn’t know that he is cheating on her so they get to live happily, go on a date and spent quality time together. Since she doesn’t know about it then she’s not hurting.

Of course I will not think she’s lucky if she knew about it and if it’s affecting their relationship. He is really good at making sure she will never know anything.

With respect, that is even worse. You seem to believe that ignorance is bliss. I would suggest otherwise. 

You are looking at this from your own perspective, and it is very biased. Consider the situation from her perspective. How would you feel if you learned that what you thought was a “happy marriage,” was not real. “Happiness” based on dishonesty and ignorance is not truly happiness. How would you feel if you trusted a man, devoted your life to him, had children with this man... all the while, he was having sex with another woman, putting your health and the stability of your family at risk, by withholding the core truth of his character and your marriage? It would devastate me, to learn that I had trusted a man who betrayed me this way. It would devastate me to learn that my marriage and the life we had built together was a lie... BUT - I would still prefer to know, because then I can make my own decisions.

And these kind of secrets have a way of coming out... They both live with the threat of discovery (whether they know it or not) every single day. And for all you know, she suspects and the uncertainty is giving her constant anxiety. Friend, for all you know this isn’t his first affair... you discovered that he was married, HE WASN’T EVEN HONEST WITH YOU when you met - that is the behavior of a man who knows how to cheat...

With respect, you have information that she does not. This man is not to be trusted, that’s obvious. Chose to continue to ignore this fact at your own peril. 

 

Edited January 31, 2020 by BaileyB

[carhill]

On 1/29/2020 at 5:26 PM, Aladka said:

know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but get jealous of his wife. I get jealous when I know they went on a date and spent a nice weekend together.

One way to see you're not cut out for affairs. Some are, some not. IMO, consider the four years a good lesson and move on.

[Daisydooks]

49 minutes ago, Aladka said:

But she doesn’t know that he is cheating on her so they get to live happily, go on a date and spent quality time together. Since she doesn’t know about it then she’s not hurting.

Of course I will not think she’s lucky if she knew about it and if it’s affecting their relationship. He is really good at making sure she will never know anything.

Thank you for kind words tho.

He started talking to me again but I know that he is no longer into this A as much as he used to. I am still hurt. I just wish I can learn to stop feeling anything for him asap.

You deserve so much more than this. Please open your eyes. Stop playing this game. You have the ability to walk away, but you're aiding in the demise of another womans marriage. You do know he is married. If you didnt, I may feel differently. As a fBW, I beg of you to stop. 

You are participating in ruining a marriage. You cant possibly want that do you? 

This could blow her entire world up and most likely will at some point. I know for me, that's how it went down. I knew something was wrong but I didnt know what. OW found out about me and in a bitter rage, she found out how to contact me, and she told me everything. He is only placating you so you don't do what the other woman in my situation did. Like a sick little scared puppy with his tail between his legs, he fears that cutting you off and ignoring you completely will in turn upset/anger you which would put his quote-unquote happy marriage at risk. He cant have you telling his wife so for now he is being nice and continues to feed you scraps and breadcrumbs.

A majority of men dont leave their wives so I hope you dont sit waiting for him to end his marriage and run to you. Even the men who do divorce their wives (like 2%,) do it quickly, and with reason but most dont end up with the woman they cheated with. What a waste of your time. You're more likely to get hit by lightning or win the lottery than to end up happily with him. You'll end up being the shell of a woman you once knew. That's what you're heading towards if you're not already there.   

The only reason my ex was single is because I left him. He begged me to stay. He didnt choose because I didnt give him a choice any longer. I took myself out of the equation. He could choose her. He chose single.  I made the choices from there on out. If he had it his way, I he wanted to reconcile and told me many times "she meant nothing to me" essentially throwing her under the bus for pursuing him when he was weak. Bulls***. I felt weak many times in 12 years. I turned to him, not someone outside my marriage. I turned to friends and family for support when needed.  I didn't screw other men to avoid my life when it was hard.  

They never ended up together. He didnt run off into the sunset with her. He was a free man and 1000% able to do so and still didnt choose her.  

The only reason he continues to speak to you is so you don't go to his wife in anger. He is just making sure you stay in your little corner and dont tell his wife like a good little affair partner. Men have to at some point  (even if they feel disconnected) maintain the bare minimum affair simply because they want to remain married and the risk of ending the affair means his marriage could end too, and especially if you're a fiery little firework. He has to keep you contained and quiet 

 

27 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It would devastate me, to learn that I had trusted a man who betrayed me this way. It would devastate me to learn that my marriage and the life we had built together was a lie... BUT - I would still prefer to know, because then I can make my own decisions.

This. 12 years of my life. What I was aware of was a short term affair, but it made me question all 12 years. It made me feel like ALL 12 years were a lie. All of the fond memories we had made together,  all seemed a lie to me. I didnt know he was cheating, so when I found out, it made me question how many other women he had been with. A number of things finally made sense, but I never would have expected or suspected him to have been cheating. It made his OW question it too.

He lied about being single to her as well and then told her the truth he had a wife at home only when she continued to ask to know where he lived and if she could come over to his house. The only problem is  he had a wife and she lived at "his house."  Hi!!! He did confess when things were becoming more difficult to hide and she wanted to come over. The issue was, it was OUR house, and she wasnt allowed there because it was my damn house. Lol. I was working and going to school. My schedule made it very easy for him to see her and since I was learning Massage Therapy, I had a lot of it was practical lessons - so no phones or calls or texts, and then I went to my part time job so we didnt starve to death. I was gone a lot. I was working and going to school to better our lives. I may have even been too busy to notice him cheating, looking back. 

 I know rationally the entire 12 years werent a lie, but you certainly question how many of them were or how many OW I didnt know about. I knew would forever hold it against him. We would never achieve true reconciliation and I would never forgive him. No matter how honest his hard work was. Clearly, even 8 years later, you can tell I still think he is a douche bag. I have grown into indifference, but would never reconcile.  I still don't forgive him. Not even for my own sanity.  

Being tested for STDs was probably one of the worst days of my life. I felt alone because I was alone. I had never been alone since I started dating him at 16, so the world became a much scarier place quickly. 

[Aladka]

Sorry but yes....there are affairs that the BS never found out so it never affected their relationship and stayed as happy as they are. Of course if they found out then they will be devastated but if not then they won’t.... that’s why I am envious of her.

I know he loves her very much. He even got injured ones but never let her know so that she won’t worry.  I can tell he’s happy when she’s home and still get excited spending time with her.

 I have no attention of telling her about him. I never want to break them. I know that it’s wrong to have an A with a married man... it’s never my intention. I fell for him without knowing and I couldn’t stop even after finding out. 
 

I just really wish I will stop loving him soon...so I will not feel anything anymore. I want him to love me but ever since I found out that he’s still married I just can’t seem to feel it anymore. No matter what he says or do, in my mind I kept thinking how can he love me if he’s already with someone’s else.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Aladka said:

Sorry but yes....there are affairs that the BS never found out so it never affected their relationship and stayed as happy as they are. Of course if they found out then they will be devastated but if not then they won’t.... that’s why I am envious of her.

Ah, so ignorance is bliss. He could be a steal money from his employer or rape another woman - but as long as his wife remains blissfully unaware of her husband’s crimes, they can maintain the perception of a happy family. A life that others would envy...

I’m sorry, but your logic is very self serving.  

Then again, this ignorance is bliss theory is consistent with the way that you profess to love and pine after this man - this married man who has lied to you since the day you met. You seem unwilling to accept a truth that any other woman would see this as a huge red flag, a fatal flaw... one that would have ended the relationship then and there. 

I hope that you do find a way to let this obsession go... it would be to your great detriment to hold onto this man, when he is obviously committed to his wife.

Edited February 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[LIRR88]

You shouldn’t be jealous, she gets to spend the rest of her life with a cheater while you’re free to find someone who really loves you and respects you. I’ll be honest, I use to feel the same way but as time went on I took a look at the big picture, in my case MM doesn’t love his wife anymore, he’s with her because of obligation, and I think that’s such a sad way to live, I would not want a man to be with me just because he feels like he has to. Being married to someone who cheats on you isn’t love, it’s a sham and I’m sure that’s not what you want for your life. You will not find the love you deserve until you start loving yourself first. Good luck on your journey.

[stillafool]

You should tell his wife about the affair.  It will free both you and her from this man. She deserves to know who she is married to.  I hope she leaves him and never comes back.

[mark clemson]

Do check with a lawyer first if you're going to do that. There are a few places, such as a few US states, where people can sue an affair partner for "alienation of affection" if there is a divorce. So, just be sure to ask a lawyer about anything like that if plan to tell his wife.

[Aladka]

I really have no plan of telling her.

I am just slowly trying to convince myself that this is not gonna last forever. 

[Aladka]

Update: 

I have been ignoring him and keeping my distance.

He sent me a picture of him attending a city concert so I think he was out with his wife but he said it was his friend. I didn’t respond and ignored him.

Late at night he message me. He was upset that I didn’t reply. I ignored him. The next morning I argue with him and he told me he got into an accident and have an injury, he will need to undergo a surgery.

Turns out their happy moment ended up badly. I am not sure if it’s just a light surgery or bad but he was acting as if he might die so he was preparing everything not sure if it’s true or just him wanting to see me worry.

[mark clemson]

Could be either. IF it's not true - well, that just shows you how manipulative he is.

[Aladka]

He did get injured and will have to go on schedule for surgery. He went to office with it and starting to take care of things before he take a break.

He was upset that I didn’t seem to care. 
 

I do care, I just don’t know what’s best to do in this situation.... should I asked for update on his surgery or how he’s doing or not.

[mark clemson]

On 1/29/2020 at 5:26 PM, Aladka said:

I miss the times when he make efforts  for me. I miss that MM but I know that MM is gone. I broke up with him but he’s not making any effort to win me back so I know it’s over.

I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

 

If your goal is to end things, then the right thing to do I think is remain firm in your resolve to keep them ended. So, either not texting back or texting back minimally to say "sorry to hear that" or something, but also point out that you're moving on. It's a fine line because he may use any contact as a sign and an opportunity to attempt to restart things.

[pepperbird]

On 1/31/2020 at 10:59 AM, Aladka said:

But she doesn’t know that he is cheating on her so they get to live happily, go on a date and spent quality time together. Since she doesn’t know about it then she’s not hurting.

Of course I will not think she’s lucky if she knew about it and if it’s affecting their relationship. He is really good at making sure she will never know anything.

Thank you for kind words tho.

He started talking to me again but I know that he is no longer into this A as much as he used to. I am still hurt. I just wish I can learn to stop feeling anything for him asap.

m'am,as a betrayed spouse, I can assure you she's hurting, she just doesn't knowing why. He may well be doing the ever popular technique known as gas lighting. She may ask him if something's wrong, and he'll counter with " nothing's wrong, why would you ask that? why are you pestering me? don't you trust me? you're so horrible! You don't want me to have any time on my own! arrrrggggghhhh!!!!!!!!". In other words, he;ll do his best to make her feel guilty for even thinking he might be stepping out.
he probably pulls something similar with you, and no matter how much you love him, no matter how great you treat him, it will never be enough because it's not really about you. It's about him and what he wants and feels entitled to.

 

 

[Daisydooks]

On 2/12/2020 at 4:24 AM, Aladka said:

He did get injured and will have to go on schedule for surgery. He went to office with it and starting to take care of things before he take a break.

He was upset that I didn’t seem to care. 
 

I do care, I just don’t know what’s best to do in this situation.... should I asked for update on his surgery or how he’s doing or not.

No. Have zero contact. He has friends and family for helping him through this. 

Are you allowed to go to the hospital? 

My gut tells me he realizes you're pulling away and he is a bold faced liar. I doubt he was injured at all, and highly doubt he needs surgery. He is manipulating you. 

[S2B]

On 2/12/2020 at 1:24 AM, Aladka said:

He did get injured and will have to go on schedule for surgery. He went to office with it and starting to take care of things before he take a break.

He was upset that I didn’t seem to care. 
 

I do care, I just don’t know what’s best to do in this situation.... should I asked for update on his surgery or how he’s doing or not.

No! Just do NOT respond to anything. 
 

and when I was married there were many, many times that things didn’t make sense. Looking back the only logical explanation is that he went missing because he was with someone else.

either way - after 28 years I finally did find the evidence and ended the marriage on the spot.

so your innocence of thinking she won’t find out is misguided. I’m sure my exH never thought I would find out. But ya know what? My instinct was right and I started digging.

the evidence is always there - if a gal is willing to search for the info.

he needs surgery... stay away. His wife will take care of him! You have no place in their marriage. He’s also looking for your attention - this is his perfect way to get a response from you - don’t do it!

 

you deserve better than this jerk.

[Starswillshine]

Speaking of his wife... let me give you something that happened with me in my marriage. My xH and I had a pretty good marriage. So I thought. I mean, we had it all. 4 awesome kids who were all incredibly smart, healthy, talented, etc. We had a beautiful home. We traveled a lot. We went to concerts together. We had frequent dates. Our sex life was good; when he was home, it was daily. He was super attentive. And loving. Affectionate. We would sit outside on our patio and talk for hours. Often not getting enough sleep because we talked for too long. Just random stuff. It was what you wanted a relationship to be.... except..... all the various girlfriends he had over the years. 

One day, we were talking about some current event going on, and he just blew up. It was odd and strange. We would disagree on things but we never would fight. We always just talked about things. And this was over some stupid political thing. Which was common topic. He lost it. Stormed out of the house. The next day he left for out of town for a couple days (for work). When he came back, we talked. Or rather he yelled at me for 4 hours straight. Hit me blindsided. Every little thing that you could possibly think of, he was going to point it out. Down to the fact that animals in the shelter depress me and "he does not give a damn." He was mad that I dont go out with my friends (ummm, he traveled all the time, I had 4 kids to take care of and no family around). He yelled because I fall asleep during movies. I mean all these little nitpicky things. I was confused. Heartbroken. Etc. But you know what I did? I said, I love this man, and apparently all these little tiny things are bothering him, so I am going to try to fix it. I wrote out a list of all these grievances and I wore myself ragged and stressed myself out trying to please my husband. Within a week , things were normal again. He was back to telling me how lucky he was. And how we have such a perfect marriage. Etc. 

Years later, I find out he was having an affair. When I got all the details, is started thinking about that huge fight. But the dates did not add up. He hadn't met that OW until a year later. Eventually though.... I found out about another one (along with 7 other ones... 9 total that I know of). That one was happening at that time. And he had been in her city that week. The difference.... she was a young, single girl who traveled a lot, had a bunch of girlfriends that they nightly went out for drinks, etc. He found her interesting. And who wouldnt? She was pretty, sucessful, and heck I would love to be her girlfriend. Ha. (She was told he was divorced). And he didnt know much about her, so he could have convo with her that was different than with me. And yeah.... he knew me for 20 years, we had talked about everything under the sun. I was overwhelmed with having to drive kids around and basically being a single mom because he wasnt around. 

 

Anyway.... point is.... his wife is hurting. She just doesnt know why. She may be wearing herself out to please this man and he isnt worthy.