do you have times when you feel like wanting to be loved?

[stillafool]

Yeah, I say show up at the hospital and hopefully his wife is there so she will realize she's wasting her time taking care of this trash.

[Aladka]

Thanks everyone for the kind reply. I have been depressed these past few days... like really depressed. I felt so tired and all. I get so frustrated bcoz I wanted to reply to his messages so bad.

So I didn’t believe him easily when he said he will have a surgery but then it turned out to be true. He kept send me messages bcoz according to him any surgery even simple ones can be dangerous (meaning there’s always that chance he will not wake up) I am not sure if he was just overreacting or just trying to get my attention. He gets upset bcoz it seems that I am fine even if he never wakes up blah blah.

He will not be back to work for 2 weeks. And he’s in a lot of pain. He texted me before surgery and telling me he loves me. He said he may not be able to message me for days because he will be sleeping and in medication but he texted me just 4 hours after the surgery. And sent me a picture of his stitches as proof. He gets so upset again that I never sent him any messages during his surgery and didn’t reply hours after he message me.

One of my friends got married last week so it made me a bit depressed. I couldn’t help but get jealous that she also found someone who will love her enough to marry her and be serious with her. How come no one loved me like that? Even before MM came it’s as if no one really loved me seriously. It’s as if all I could ever be is a past time.

About me and the MM

We never have solo time together unless when we are away for work or when His W is traveling somewhere.

I am not sure what I really feel about him now. I miss him so much and wants to talk to him but I also keep thinking how I wasted years of my life by staying with him. He kept telling me he will marry me and be with me but i know it will never happen.

I miss him. I want to talk to him. I was so obsessed with him but I just don’t feel like I can be really happy being with him. I don’t know how long before my feelings for him will fade. I hope I will be fine before he gets back to work.

I just really really hope I will stop caring. I just really really want to stop caring. And not feel anything at all. I don’t know how to do it yet.

Edited February 20, 2020 by Aladka

[Lady Cathryn]

On 1/29/2020 at 8:26 PM, Aladka said:

I have been in an A with a MM for 4 years. At first I didn’t know he was an MM and I wasn’t that serious and not attached to him but I fell for him and I am sure he wasn’t serious about me either but yeah I fell for him. I found out that he was an MM but still stayed with him. I love him. There was a time when I really felt that he loves me. I could feel it. We don’t often have sex but we do talk almost everyday but still I feel so insecure at times.

I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but get jealous of his wife. I get jealous when I know they went on a date and spent a nice weekend together.

I can’t help but think she’s so lucky she get to find a man who will love her like that. I wanted to be love like that too.

I ended my relationship with MM and tried everything I can to fall for someone else but it seems that no one can really love me like that. I wanted to feel love.

We got back together. MM made me feel loved before but I can feel that he is slowly changing, probably because his wife and him are doing good now unlike before. So I can no longer feel love. No matter what he does, all I could think of is that he was lying. Even if he says he love me he is still lying so every time he says that I just feel even more desperate to feel loved.
 

I miss the times when he make efforts  for me. I miss that MM but I know that MM is gone. I broke up with him but he’s not making any effort to win me back so I know it’s over. 
 

I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

As I did myself .... you actually propped up his marriage. Don’t be that enabling woman.
 

I personally have enabled other people in my life (not speaking affairs) and my A was my last Pièce de résistance of enabling behavior on my part. I married the guy with medical issues and became the nurse because he wouldn’t take care of himself, I lived with an alcoholic who promised to change, my A was with someone who could not address the elephant in the room of his screwed up marriage. 

Go forth in enabling yourself by cutting contact completely. You’ll thank that woman inside you.