What do I do next?

[Vanessalily]

I am going through a break up day 1. We met on tinder and dated for a year & a half. He is my first healthy relationship. My other ones were xtremely toxic. He's taught me a lot of life lessons. In the past, he has left all of his exes when he decided he wanted to do better fr himself. He has been living in the same place fr 3 yrs now. Since our first date, we really rushed into things. I impulsively moved in right away. We had a connection INSTANTLY, like as if we picked up from where we left off in a past life. I thought we would get married. From the start I became the toxic one in this relationship. For the first 3 months I'd try to run away frm love & try to make him chase me. I kinda got a high off of tht (narcisstic, I know) he would always fight for me. And he especially fought when he decided he was going to move to another state once he finds a new job. I kept rejecting/denying him for half a year (march-september 2019) so that I could see the extent of how far he would go to fight fr my love. After awhile he eventually got tired of trying to convince me/my mind games, he slowly started making his own plans mentally and slowly withdrew frm the relationship. He then came to a conclusion that he no longer wants me to go with him to his next destination.

Fast forward to October 2019, I got news that my gma was dying in another country. I had to go visit her fr a month. And unfortunately, when I was there I guess he finally got space frm me and realized that I wasn't what he wanted anymore. I lashed out on him very badly one night & he was finally over it. He started to slowly distance himself, he started to want alone time more, & go out w his friends. Of course he's a "good guy" so he didn't leave me when I came back to the states(November 2019). He stayed by my side while I was grieving the death of my gma. But I did start to notice the change in his behavior. Started to express that he wanted more space frm me. Our lease was going to end April 2020. He originally wanted me by his side till that time.
Last week, I went to therapy fr the first time & she advised me (along w my family and close friends advice) it's better if I leave now because he's already got his mind made up (he does not want to take me w him to his next destination) they all said there's no point of me being there if he's alrdy decided. So this week I finally built the courage to leave. Of course I'm very Hurt and saying so much nasty stuff to him about how he wasted my time and how he's a user and doesn't love me. He understands that I'm just lashing out out of love, pain, & anger. So we didn't really break up yet but we know it's the ending of us. I alrdy moved out tonight. Its so hard. I love him.. And hes cried a bit but I seem more hurt and in pain than he does? Why is this?

What do I do now? Is there a chance in us getting back together? Do I just move on or should I hold a piece of hope? Should I just give him space? I really thought he was gonna be the one I marry... Thank you so much for ur time & help.

P.S I found a note that he left in my stuff stating “thank u for everything. I thought u were the one too. But one day we will understand why this has to happen. We’ll always have a piece of each other.”

[stillafool]

I'm sorry but it seems like he's done and ready to move on.  His last note to you pretty much says it all.  I think it's time for you to move on now.  Next time don't play the chasing game with someone you already have.  It would help you to find out why you need the ego boost of constant chasing so you don't ruin your next relationship.

[scooby-philly]

@Vanessalily - I'm sorry to hear about your situation and the pain that it causes you. Suffice to say that you will need a lot of time to recover from this heartbreak and to also work on yourself so you can be healthier and the best person you can not only for a potential future partner, but also yourself.

A few points based on what you shared:

• You at least recognize that your prior relationships were toxic. As any 12 step program notes - acceptance of a problem starts the recovery process - i.e. step 1.
• Sometimes people just meet at the wrong time. And a very small percentage reconnect months, years later. I'm not saying that so you hold out hope for this relationship and this man. Just pointing out a simple fact. Curious - how long after your last relationship did you meet this guy? In another universe things might work out if you had spent time working on yourself and addressing your emotional and psychological issues before you met him. But in this case, it appears that while you now possess awareness of your problem, you did not address it before meeting him. 
• Rushing into any situation generally doesn't work out, but even more so for people with unhealthy habits, emotional issues, hidden problems. 
• You said you "became toxic".....I would argue that you were toxic already going in to this relationship. I don't mean that as an insult or attack against you at all. But people don't just become toxic overnight or start displaying toxic behavior for no reason. Your prior exes could be more toxic than you were/are, and therefore it blinded you to your own issues. 
• How many times did this guy walk away from previous relationships? Not insulting him either, but at a certain point in our lives we need to own our own problems and develop a strategy to become our best selves and that means not getting into relationships that won't work out for the long-term. Not saying that anyone can do that easily - certainly becomes a balancing act between not getting into things that won't work out and not staying closed off so we don't ever find a good relationship for us.
• On a similar note, while you recognize your own toxicity, he could very well posses a "savior" or "caretaker" mentality - neither of which would help him in the long run. So he's probably got some work to do on himself and the break from you will help him become the best person he can be for himself and whoever the universe has in store for him in the future.
• Strong, healthy relationships get better because of struggles, life challenges, and even positive opportunities. If you would want someone who would support you and be there with you if you had a new job opportunity lining up, you need to be open to having the same mentality for a partner. But...keep in mind that some people just hop from job to job because they're dissatisfied with themselves or they have a need for the fix of a "new job" every so many years to keep their interest. 
• Given what you shared, can' tell if he's got healthy communication skills and a mature mentality about things, but suffice to say he's probably got some stuff to work on (as I already said) in that he played the game chasing you and then was still supportive and caring to the point of not cutting you off first and then when your gma died, not using the opportunity to make it clear that you could be friends, but when you came back things would be over. 
• I would support your therapist and family view - work on yourself, address your problems and their root causes, and focus on them and not on a relationship for a good long while. The longer you stay the longer and later your recovery will start/end and the more you prolong his misery and pain.
• His note to you reveals that he still cares about you, but he understands at some level you aren't right for each other right now. I hope he and you both grow and heal and eventually (EVENTUALLY - MEANING SLOW THE F DOWN WITH DATING  ) find happiness with yourself first and then build something magical together with someone else.

[Vanessalily]

Thank you so much @stillafool and @scooby-philly for taking the time to read my situation. 

Scooby- I really appreciate you breaking each thing down for me. That was very helpful and I genuinely agree. There are a lot of things I need to work on: I hope that a year from now or six months from now I’ll be a different person. I hope that I can truly change my unhealthy ways... thank you so much for your time and wonderful advice.

[scooby-philly]

@Vanessalily

Having been in 3 terrible ltrs with women who weren't right for me and being, in one way or another the nice guy, similar to what you described with your recent ex (start calling him ex btw) - some further advice:

1. Don't put a time table on recovery. That limits you. 

2. Don't say I want to be a different person. The person you are is probably awesome - what you have are learned bevahiors built up over the years (probably since early in childhood) originally designed to help you as a helpless child/teen but not cause you problems. You can unlearn them. It takes time, dedication, and a few good lifelong friends (could be friends, co-workers you become with, certain family members, etc) to help you sort through things. 

3. You need to figure out the root cause. For example, I've been the "nice guy" and stayed when ex-fiancee wasn't warm enough, was bitter, and we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of important stuff, the nice guy when my crazy ex basically did what you did, but she was a psychopath so she would never be able to realize something was wrong with her let alone try to address it, and I was the nice guy with my last ex when (I'm 38, she was 24) I knew she was too immature, too unfcomfortable with herself, too scared, and not willing to tell her family about me/us because as a child my parents and grandmother used to threaten abandonment of the family when they fought bad. Combine that with having to raise myself emotionally and make major life decisions by myself, not being allowed to express any emotions, share my opinion, or get taught how to do anything by my folks, and a few other issues - I've been scare of losing people and scared of just living my own life - as if people who truly mattered would hate me or shame me for being my most authentic self. So while I thought I had really addressed all of that, turns out, I didn't. For you, you need to understand the root causes and then come up with a set of rules that you can refer back to

4. Make more tangible goals that are action oriented. Don't say "I will be a better partner". One - you can set yourself up for something bad to come along or stay in a bad situation that's not your fault. Two - that doesn't address the underlying cause or the behavior that spawns from it. If you get to a point down the road (again, no timeline) that you feel you're ready to try dating, a goal would be (and if you hit 3-6 months with someone you share this and if they balk or they dismiss you move on)  "I will not shut down during fights and if I do, I need to do x,y,z" or "I will not threaten to abandon the relationship and if I do, I will do x,y,z" - the whole SMART goal process from the business world can apply to this.

5. Time makes the right relationship even better. That's why often people shift as they get older from wanting that "immediate heavy flame" in the beginning to a more cozy love experience. Not saying there can't be passion involved - but going back to the point of not running into things...it's important, and not easy for a lot of people, to self-check. Don't have to do it constantly and you don't have to get overtly complex with it. But after a few dates, at 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, etc.  there's natural decisions to make. 

6. Write or journal. If you don't like to write, if you have a smart phone you can record audio. Either way, do it daily, do it consistently, and do it when you don't feel like doing it.

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, Vanessalily said:

What do I do now? Is there a chance in us getting back together? Do I just move on or should I hold a piece of hope? Should I just give him space? 

What you do now is accept that this is over.  You grieve the loss of the relationship.   You heal.  

When the acute pain subsides you take stock of what you learned.  Compare this healthy relationship to your previous toxic ones & note the differences.  Look at where / how you became toxic.  Know that you should not move in again that quickly next time.   in short figure out where you went wrong in the past so you don't make these same mistakes in the next relationship.  

Edited January 30, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Vanessalily]

On 1/30/2020 at 10:57 AM, scooby-philly said:

@Vanessalily

Having been in 3 terrible ltrs with women who weren't right for me and being, in one way or another the nice guy, similar to what you described with your recent ex (start calling him ex btw) - some further advice:

1. Don't put a time table on recovery. That limits you. 

2. Don't say I want to be a different person. The person you are is probably awesome - what you have are learned bevahiors built up over the years (probably since early in childhood) originally designed to help you as a helpless child/teen but not cause you problems. You can unlearn them. It takes time, dedication, and a few good lifelong friends (could be friends, co-workers you become with, certain family members, etc) to help you sort through things. 

3. You need to figure out the root cause. For example, I've been the "nice guy" and stayed when ex-fiancee wasn't warm enough, was bitter, and we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of important stuff, the nice guy when my crazy ex basically did what you did, but she was a psychopath so she would never be able to realize something was wrong with her let alone try to address it, and I was the nice guy with my last ex when (I'm 38, she was 24) I knew she was too immature, too unfcomfortable with herself, too scared, and not willing to tell her family about me/us because as a child my parents and grandmother used to threaten abandonment of the family when they fought bad. Combine that with having to raise myself emotionally and make major life decisions by myself, not being allowed to express any emotions, share my opinion, or get taught how to do anything by my folks, and a few other issues - I've been scare of losing people and scared of just living my own life - as if people who truly mattered would hate me or shame me for being my most authentic self. So while I thought I had really addressed all of that, turns out, I didn't. For you, you need to understand the root causes and then come up with a set of rules that you can refer back to

4. Make more tangible goals that are action oriented. Don't say "I will be a better partner". One - you can set yourself up for something bad to come along or stay in a bad situation that's not your fault. Two - that doesn't address the underlying cause or the behavior that spawns from it. If you get to a point down the road (again, no timeline) that you feel you're ready to try dating, a goal would be (and if you hit 3-6 months with someone you share this and if they balk or they dismiss you move on)  "I will not shut down during fights and if I do, I need to do x,y,z" or "I will not threaten to abandon the relationship and if I do, I will do x,y,z" - the whole SMART goal process from the business world can apply to this.

5. Time makes the right relationship even better. That's why often people shift as they get older from wanting that "immediate heavy flame" in the beginning to a more cozy love experience. Not saying there can't be passion involved - but going back to the point of not running into things...it's important, and not easy for a lot of people, to self-check. Don't have to do it constantly and you don't have to get overtly complex with it. But after a few dates, at 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, etc.  there's natural decisions to make. 

6. Write or journal. If you don't like to write, if you have a smart phone you can record audio. Either way, do it daily, do it consistently, and do it when you don't feel like doing it.

@scooby-philly

Hey Scooby, just wanted to reach out and say thank you for everything and all the advice you have given me. You hit everything with a nail on the head haha! I had to take a time out from hearing everything from all different directions to really think and reflect. It has been day 4-5 of us not talking and I have became more levelheaded. I also stopped trying to teach out to him, and he didn’t care to text or call me either so I have already accepted that the relationship is over. He will be moving to another state and a week or so & we’ll never see each other again. Crazy how our entire relationship happened all so fast and ends within a few seconds. I am still heart broken. I know that I will heal with time. I only lived 23 years on this earth - only a year younger than your ex haha. Pretty sure I will meet a lot of other people too. But I need to figure out my emotional issues and decide on a career path first before I can worry about “love”.

Again, thank you so much Scooby Doo . Sorry I didn’t want to respond while I was still manic! LOL.

[scooby-philly]

14 hours ago, Vanessalily said:

@scooby-philly

He will be moving to another state and a week or so & we’ll never see each other again. Crazy how our entire relationship happened all so fast and ends within a few seconds. I am still heart broken. I know that I will heal with time. I only lived 23 years on this earth - only a year younger than your ex haha. Pretty sure I will meet a lot of other people too. But I need to figure out my emotional issues and decide on a career path first before I can worry about “love”.

Again, thank you so much Scooby Doo . Sorry I didn’t want to respond while I was still manic! LOL.

No thanks necessary. 

 

That's one of the toughest parts of bad breakups - the thought of never seeing someone again when the relationship meant so much to you at some point. For me with my recent ex, it was painful beyond belief and I'm still in recovery. But if someone can break up with me after 2 yrs via text and IM when I didn't do anything wrong and she didn't hint that anything was wrong - oh well. I guess she wasn't as nice as I thought. In your case, it's a little bit different but still painful. And yeah - I'm not discounting your age. But...be thankful you're learning these things about yourself now as opposed to 33, 43, or even never. And it's not that you have to have everything else in place before you can find love. BUT....now is probably a good time to work on the other aspects of your life (and don't forget to have some fun) and love will find its way when it's meant to.

[Ruby Slippers]

You do what the rest of us do: you consider what unhealthy patterns in yourself this relationship mirrored back to you. You celebrate the fact that now that your mind is a bit clearer, this relationship was better than the last. You continue improving and healing, clarifying your thinking so you do even better next time. When your mind is right, the rest of your life falls into place.

[Vanessalily]

16 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

No thanks necessary. 

 

That's one of the toughest parts of bad breakups - the thought of never seeing someone again when the relationship meant so much to you at some point. For me with my recent ex, it was painful beyond belief and I'm still in recovery. But if someone can break up with me after 2 yrs via text and IM when I didn't do anything wrong and she didn't hint that anything was wrong - oh well. I guess she wasn't as nice as I thought. In your case, it's a little bit different but still painful. And yeah - I'm not discounting your age. But...be thankful you're learning these things about yourself now as opposed to 33, 43, or even never. And it's not that you have to have everything else in place before you can find love. BUT....now is probably a good time to work on the other aspects of your life (and don't forget to have some fun) and love will find its way when it's meant to.

How long has it been for you without her? I’m sorry. I can kinda understand her. I think it’s her being young and dumb so she thought doing it through text/IM was the best way... that is true. It’s better now. Although I wished I would’ve dealt with my childhood issues when I was a child rather than these young adult years.. I hope that I am capable of a healthy relationship where I won’t push someone good away. This is probably the most painful thing ever. It’s different when I had s***ty men in my life who were a**h***s and the relationship ended. But this time around I broke somebody else. I remember begging to God for someone to truly love me. Then when I really find it, I sabotaged it every way possible. I don’t understand myself at all but I hope this problem could be fixed.

[ExpatInItaly]

As the others have already noted, this relationship is truly over. You didn't break him, though. He made the healthy choice to end it when he realized it was not functional anymore; that is the sign of someone who is still able to sort out logic from emotion and choose the best path forward for themselves. 

I would also argue that it did not end in a few seconds. He'd been pulling away from you for a while and it seems you sensed that this would happen. This break-up had been coming for at least a few months. He cares about you, obviously, but know the relationship is no longer viable. 

Great that you're now in therapy. If there is a pattern in your life of impulsive behaviour and toxic relationships, it's worth staying single for a good, long while to tackle these issues. 

[scooby-philly]

4 hours ago, Vanessalily said:

How long has it been for you without her? I’m sorry. I can kinda understand her. I think it’s her being young and dumb so she thought doing it through text/IM was the best way... that is true. It’s better now. Although I wished I would’ve dealt with my childhood issues when I was a child rather than these young adult years.. I hope that I am capable of a healthy relationship where I won’t push someone good away. This is probably the most painful thing ever. It’s different when I had s***ty men in my life who were a**h***s and the relationship ended. But this time around I broke somebody else. I remember begging to God for someone to truly love me. Then when I really find it, I sabotaged it every way possible. I don’t understand myself at all but I hope this problem could be fixed.

It's been over 5 months now. It certainly was the easier way for her. But that speaks to her immaturity and inability to deal with emotions. I'm not saying I am everyone's cup of tea. And I'm not saying I'm perfect. But I thought we had so much in common and that if she would just open up and live her life we would fit together so awesomely. But she's not ready to be an adult yet. She hides things from people, she can't open up to the people she loves, and she still has this "good girl" persona, in addition to not being able to express her needs and wants. So while the last 5 months has been hell, I know in my heart I did nothing wrong and that I gave her as much love, support, patience, understanding, and gentleness I could and plenty of chances after she did ridiculous things. 

As for you, it sounds like you're processing the relationship, the breakup, your feelings, and your history very well. The issue is to address the underlying root cause and learn new behaviors. It will take practice and repetition. Just as you did not become toxic overnight, you cannot fix yourself overnight. Now, remember to exercise some self love and patience. And again, I'm not trying to insinuate your a bad person at all. As you work with your therapist, have them help you discover the trauma and experiences that made you act and think the way you do and come up with actionable, time bound, small goals to address things. For example, don't just tell yourself or journal "I'm going to be more open with the people I love". Okay - maybe that's a good "goal" - but a realistic step would be "I'm going to engage in one tough/emotional conversation this month. Then I'll try again next month. Then after 3 months I'll try for 2 a month, etc". Apologies - it's early and I haven't had my coffee yet - but you get the point. Smaller, time bound, and actionable steps help you achieve your larger goals better than keeping things pie in the sky.