max3732 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 I've been chatting with someone online and it seems like we've had a good conversation and we have a lot in common. She lives about 2 hours from me but I was thinking we could meet half way soon. We've been chatting on the phone/texting and I just went on her profile to remind myself more about her before asking her out and noticed her later pictures are not as attractive as the earlier ones. Sure enough the profile picture and the early ones must have been taken a while ago (the caption says "before my trip to x") and as I cycled through more pictures they get less attractive. She not only gained a considerable amount of weight, but just everything looks worse and I don't find the recent pictures attractive at all. This is partly my fault for not clicking through all the pictures before messaging her, but now I feel guilty after talking to her and finding out how much we have in common. She's also been saying how great I am and how much she enjoys talking to me. That being said I don't want to waste either one of our time and certainly don't want both of us to drive an hour when I know it's not going to go anywhere. Normally I like to be honest with people, but I don't think honesty is the best policy here. How do I get out of this without hurting her feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
anotherfool Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 Just say that due to the distance between you, you decided that you are not interested in pursuing the relationship. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 Tell her like this - “ Look, I really wanted to meet you but when I was [somewhere] last night. I ran into my ex girlfriend and we finally talked and feel like we need to give it another shot. I’m so sorry! I hope you can understand. “ Drastic times call for drastic measures. She’s gonna hate you either way. At least this way, you don’t have to tell her she’s a dog. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 Next time don't bother getting so involved with people you have never met and who live farther away than you would like. You have literally no idea what this woman actually looks like and obviously looks are important to you. Now she is going to be very disappointed, as you led her on to think this was something it isn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 op I commend you for having the decency to consider her feelings in this. Many wouldn’t, they’d just ghost her. Good on you for wanting to do the right thing! However your guilt is misplaced. Don’t let this motivate you to see her. That would be doing her more a disservice. My advice is just be honest: tell her that you’ve been thinking about it and that a 2 hour distance is unfeasible for you. Apologise for not realising this sooner but let her know how much you’ve enjoyed getting to know her and wish her all the best. Good luck! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 I wouldn't be that much politically correct with her. I would tell her that I have noticed her recent pictures and notice she has changed quite a bit compared to her profile pictures.........and let her talk. Maybe she has even more recent pictures showing her at a lower weight. Before meeting my bf for the first time I had seen 1 picture of him. He was standing up on a beach with long hair. The day before we met he sent me a recent picture of him, the picture was sooooo bad, he had short hair and shadows made him look like he had an hairdo like Marge from the Simpsons. I met him still, we just celebrated our 4th year together. I have a friend who's a gorgeous tall blond and she looks like an alien on everyone of her pictures, the camera just doesn't like her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 Isn't it funny how most are suggesting being dishonest...😆 Your first mistake was not looking through all the pics. She was also being a little deceptive by placing pics that do not represent her current condition. I would definitely not waste either of your time. I think it is worse to meet knowing you have no intention of progressing the relationship if you do have a good time. Just tell her that you have come to the conclusion that you are not a good fit and throw in the distance as a factor. Honestly, you don't need to feel guilty. I have done the same after going to their FB or other accounts and seeing recent pics which did not mesh with their profile pics. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 21 hours ago, elaine567 said: Next time don't bother getting so involved with people you have never met and who live farther away than you would like. You have literally no idea what this woman actually looks like and obviously looks are important to you. Now she is going to be very disappointed, as you led her on to think this was something it isn't. Every guy who's ever been bilked out of rounds of drinks and/or expensive dates on the implied promise of something eventually happening is probably rolling their eyes at any outrage over this extremely small matter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 22 hours ago, max3732 said: Normally I like to be honest with people, but I don't think honesty is the best policy here. Full disclosure and honesty are not the same thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 I don't see the harm in going on a date and seeing what happens if you have a lot in common. She might not look anything like her pictures, or maybe she looks better in person. If she still does nothing for you when you meet her, you can just say that there was no chemistry on your end and you don't want to continue. It wouldn't hurt and you might be surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
Author max3732 Posted January 31, 2020 Author Share Posted January 31, 2020 2 hours ago, fishlips said: I don't see the harm in going on a date and seeing what happens if you have a lot in common. She might not look anything like her pictures, or maybe she looks better in person. If she still does nothing for you when you meet her, you can just say that there was no chemistry on your end and you don't want to continue. It wouldn't hurt and you might be surprised. From chatting with her I can tell I'd enjoy having her as a friend. She has such a great heart and is just a kind and wonderful person. For a romantic relationship I'd need to be physically attracted to her and from the latest pictures I can tell that isn't the case. If we met somewhere that wasn't too far it wouldn't be bad, but she's over 2 hours away. I'd feel guilty about making her drive 2 hours and I don't think I'd want to drive an hour (if we met half way) there and back for someone I know I wouldn't be interested in dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author max3732 Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 4 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Isn't it funny how most are suggesting being dishonest...😆 Your first mistake was not looking through all the pics. She was also being a little deceptive by placing pics that do not represent her current condition. I would definitely not waste either of your time. I think it is worse to meet knowing you have no intention of progressing the relationship if you do have a good time. Just tell her that you have come to the conclusion that you are not a good fit and throw in the distance as a factor. Honestly, you don't need to feel guilty. I have done the same after going to their FB or other accounts and seeing recent pics which did not mesh with their profile pics. I know I made a mistake by not going through all of her pics. I had done that I never would have messaged her! How do I make distance the factor when I could see it before I messaged her? Isn't she going to say something like "if you weren't willing to date someone that far away why did you message me to begin with"? How would I respond to that? Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 18 minutes ago, max3732 said: I know I made a mistake by not going through all of her pics. I had done that I never would have messaged her! How do I make distance the factor when I could see it before I messaged her? Isn't she going to say something like "if you weren't willing to date someone that far away why did you message me to begin with"? How would I respond to that? I have been in this position. I realized from past experience that LDR simply and rarely work. I have maneuvered around a couple and the success rate has been about 25%. And that depends on what you mean by "success." It becomes cumbersome, expensive, and frankly, one-sided after a while unless there is a serious move from someone. I want to be able to see the person I really like every day, if possible, not every other, or less. In the end, you don't owe her anything other than an honest appraisal of your feelings and that you don't see this going any further. You have not met, only communicated online, and you are strangers. Really. Just let her know that you don't feel this will work and end it. Don't dwell on it and don't allow her to manipulate you. Most people will chalk it up as nothing more than another example of dating woes. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CLS63AMG Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 21 hours ago, Gaeta said: ........and let her talk. Maybe she has even more recent pictures showing her at a lower weight. Yeah right! From my experience even the "new" pictures won't be accurate at all. OP, she knows exactly what she's doing. Reel you in with old pictures that she doesn't resemble at all, then slowly update them as your date approaches so you'll actually know who she is. But here's how it works for you. You'll still be hoping to meet the hot girl in the pics and be absolutely bamboozled the instant you see her in person as she won't even resemble what the "new" pictures show either. Ask her to take a pic standing in front of a mirror before you meet - she'll have every excuse in the book why she can't and for that reason do not waste your time driving an hour to meet her. You won't be attracted to her, will be extremely uncomfortable and mad because she lied to you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author max3732 Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 18 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: I have been in this position. I realized from past experience that LDR simply and rarely work. I have maneuvered around a couple and the success rate has been about 25%. And that depends on what you mean by "success." It becomes cumbersome, expensive, and frankly, one-sided after a while unless there is a serious move from someone. I want to be able to see the person I really like every day, if possible, not every other, or less. In the end, you don't owe her anything other than an honest appraisal of your feelings and that you don't see this going any further. You have not met, only communicated online, and you are strangers. Really. Just let her know that you don't feel this will work and end it. Don't dwell on it and don't allow her to manipulate you. Most people will chalk it up as nothing more than another example of dating woes. Good luck. You know what? She just sent me the most wonderful text and I'm getting more and more attached to her even though we haven't met yet. Why can't any of the women I'm attracted to physically have the personality and interests that this person has? I definitely need to end this before I get more and more into her based on her on our conversations and things get even more awkward when we meet in person. If it was simply communicating with the app I'd send her a message about the distance and be done with it, but by phone I guess I will have to block her number. I know I felt horrible when I got a message that someone didn't want to continue dating that I really liked so I don't want to string her along. It's just a really tough thing for me to do, but I guess it's got to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 2 hours ago, CLS63AMG said: Yeah right! From my experience even the "new" pictures won't be accurate at all. OP, she knows exactly what she's doing. Reel you in with old pictures that she doesn't resemble at all, then slowly update them as your date approaches so you'll actually know who she is. I don't understand the logic of women doing this. They might as well be honest with their pictures because the truth will come out. Link to post Share on other sites
CLS63AMG Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, stillafool said: I don't understand the logic of women doing this. They might as well be honest with their pictures because the truth will come out. Ive been burned by it a few times back when I was dating 2-3 times a week. One of the slickest ones was using a recent head shot and old body pics, when we met at the door to the place she was around 300lbs (I was expecting a petite girl as the pics showed.). I still see her on the dating sites/apps from time to time (YEARS later) still up to the same tricks, you think she would have learned by now. More recently I was chatting with one, couple months ago that tried to do it and I called her out on it as I was cancelling our date - she got all upset. I told her she wasn't doing herself any favors by presenting something she isn't, she's going to be let down in grand fashion over and over again. I told her to take recent photos so she can find a guy that likes her for HER. As for why they do it, I assume a large part is for attention - they can present themselves as a much hotter version and get a wider range of attention from men that are usually not attainable to them. Edited February 1, 2020 by CLS63AMG 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 40 minutes ago, max3732 said: You know what? She just sent me the most wonderful text and I'm getting more and more attached to her even though we haven't met yet. Why can't any of the women I'm attracted to physically have the personality and interests that this person has? I definitely need to end this before I get more and more into her based on her on our conversations and things get even more awkward when we meet in person. If it was simply communicating with the app I'd send her a message about the distance and be done with it, but by phone I guess I will have to block her number. I know I felt horrible when I got a message that someone didn't want to continue dating that I really liked so I don't want to string her along. It's just a really tough thing for me to do, but I guess it's got to be done. Hit and miss, my friend. I have dated some hot 45+ women and they also had some great personalities. I don't know how old you are, but suspect maturity plays a large part in what kind of personality the more attractive or any lady has. Yes. End it. Even if you are attracted to her personality, you will always question her attractiveness and this will only lead you to the dread GIGOTOS. You will not be happy and that is not fair to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author max3732 Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 2 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Hit and miss, my friend. I have dated some hot 45+ women and they also had some great personalities. I don't know how old you are, but suspect maturity plays a large part in what kind of personality the more attractive or any lady has. Yes. End it. Even if you are attracted to her personality, you will always question her attractiveness and this will only lead you to the dread GIGOTOS. You will not be happy and that is not fair to her. Hopefully I'll find one of these hot women that also have a great personality someday. I went to a singles event recently and there was this really attractive woman who I started to go up to but she was berating and using 4 letter words towards one of the employees. Just to be polite I talked to her and she was extremely obnoxious. With this woman I just sent her a message ending it now. It's one of the hardest things for me to do since I feel so bad for her and enjoyed our conversations so much. Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 4 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Hit and miss, my friend. I have dated some hot 45+ women and they also had some great personalities. Just curious, what's the goal when a guy dates a 45+ woman? Seriously curious, I don't get it myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 2 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: Just curious, what's the goal when a guy dates a 45+ woman? Seriously curious, I don't get it myself. Goal? To have a relationship like anyone else. I'm 51. I want to date someone within my age range. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 Just now, Gr8fuln2020 said: Goal? To have a relationship like anyone else. I'm 51. I want to date someone within my age range. So you want to live with someone, make a new friend, get married, what? Obviously you want to date. but is dating the goal or is there some other longer term goal involved? Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 5 hours ago, max3732 said: You know what? She just sent me the most wonderful text and I'm getting more and more attached to her even though we haven't met yet. Why can't any of the women I'm attracted to physically have the personality and interests that this person has? I definitely need to end this before I get more and more into her based on her on our conversations and things get even more awkward when we meet in person. If it was simply communicating with the app I'd send her a message about the distance and be done with it, but by phone I guess I will have to block her number. I know I felt horrible when I got a message that someone didn't want to continue dating that I really liked so I don't want to string her along. It's just a really tough thing for me to do, but I guess it's got to be done. Not trying to be rude, but you don't deserve her. This is a human being with a unique spirit, and all you can focus on is the outer, temporary shell. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: So you want to live with someone, make a new friend, get married, what? Obviously you want to date. but is dating the goal or is there some other longer term goal involved? Ah, ok. Yes. LTR. Not necessarily getting married again, but definitely LTR. I am also partial to being somewhat independent. Another way of saying that living together is also not necessary, but open to it. It is difficult to find someone who is as active, open-minded and emotionally/financially available in my area. Trying...trying. Edited February 2, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 3 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Not trying to be rude, but you don't deserve her. This is a human being with a unique spirit, and all you can focus on is the outer, temporary shell. It's a 50/50 thing, to me at least, personality/physical attraction both need to be there for a relationship to work. OP it's better you did it now rather than later. Would be interested to know how she took it. Link to post Share on other sites
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