Not attracted to match's recent pictures

[MeadowFlower]

On 1/31/2020 at 9:12 AM, max3732 said:

 

You don't find her attractive? Heartbreaking.. Not. Come on, give it a chance. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by MeadowFlower

[basil67]

As someone who's sexually attracted to a man's spirit, I can't relate.  Is it impossible that upon meeting that you'd find her a great option for a partner?

[max3732]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

As someone who's sexually attracted to a man's spirit, I can't relate.  Is it impossible that upon meeting that you'd find her a great option for a partner?

I'm definitely attracted to her, but without the physical element I couldn't it see her being a great option for a wife/girlfriend. It's the same reason I wouldn't date someone who I'm physically interested in but whose spirit or personality I'm not compatible with. Although if I had to pick one or the other I'd definitely go for the spirit over looks. 

[Twizzlestick]

Reminds me kind of something I posted about recently.

 

This all kind of annoys me. Someone mentioned you’re even leading her on?? Whaaat??? Way overstated. Let’s get real here. You’ve not even met each other. She won’t (or shouldn’t be and if she is that’s her ballywack not yours for mentally going out with someone she’s never met) heartbroken if you bail. It’s dating. Heck I’ve had a girl 3 months ago disappear, ghost, nadda, right after saying she wanted a second date.  Was I bothered? A bit of ego damage, but I don’t own her and it’s not like she was married to me. Heck I met a girl I thought was completely normal and she turned out to be a psycho. So much for that.

 

Too much ramped up ownership of people with feelings in early dating. It’s a “get to know”. You don’t commit to a car lease the min you set eyes on it. You take it for test drives, read the info, check out the clauses. I kind of get the impression as a guy we’re expected to keep going and to change minds is de facto “leading on” . That’s emotional blackmail. I bet some of the comments wouldn’t be the same if the boot were on the other foot.

 

Just say no mate if you don’t fancy her at all. You’ve had new info. No different as any other part of dating. It’s no different than meeting her and finding out she’s weird, dull or she meets you and thinks you’re “meh” or boring or she doesn’t fancy you. She could equally call time on dates with you at any point. People have the right to change their minds at any point for crying out loud. 

 

Dont be like me and over worry. I get worried about this stuff but in my boots I know I shouldn't, but can’t help it

[Kyra]

I met my current partner through a dating website. We 'clicked' via email and soon met. I was somewhat disappointed that he looked much much older than his profile photos. I don't think they showed any grey hair etc. I was a little put off by him being physically less attractive than I expected, plus a little miffed that I was mislead, but he was so lovely to talk to and by the end of the date I was attracted to him. The first several times we met I was still struck for a moment at how old he looks & wondered what I was doing with a much older man - until we started talking and I remembered why I was attracted to him. The more I knew him and the more fun we had together the more physically attractive I found him. He's three years older now but to me he's gorgeous.

Conversely when I made my profile, I didn't want any potential partners to expect too much from my photos and be disappointed, but the only descent photos I had were quite old. Yet, he told me (much later) that after seeing those photos (after initial emails and before meeting) he had second thoughts because he thought they were quite unattractive photos of me and that he found me to be much more attractive in person. But perhaps that's also down to the chemistry?

[Gaeta]

Just go meet her! It's a coffee not marriage!

When I first met my boyfriend I thought he was too tall and too skinny! While we were having our coffee I decided in my head to not meet him again......here we are dating for 4 years!

 

[K.K.]

17 hours ago, max3732 said:

 

With this woman I just sent her a message ending it now. It's one of the hardest things for me to do since I feel so bad for her and enjoyed our conversations so much.

So what’d you end up telling her? 

Like ... exactly. Word for word. 😁

[d0nnivain]

17 hours ago, max3732 said:

With this woman I just sent her a message ending it now. It's one of the hardest things for me to do since I feel so bad for her and enjoyed our conversations so much.

What a shame . You should have gone to meet her.  I take lousy pictures but don't look half as bad in person.  

This was possibly a 3 hour obligations -- 1 hour each way there & back plus some time with her.  

You missed out on an excellent opportunity.  I get that you worried you wouldn't be attracted to her but seriously you can't know that off some good pictures & some bad pictures.  Only in person counts but you couldn't make the effort. 

And you wonder why you can't find somebody . . .

I'm not saying she would have been the love of your life but now you will never know because you refused to try  

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

I'm definitely attracted to her, but without the physical element I couldn't it see her being a great option for a wife/girlfriend. It's the same reason I wouldn't date someone who I'm physically interested in but whose spirit or personality I'm not compatible with. Although if I had to pick one or the other I'd definitely go for the spirit over looks. 

You were given the opportunity to chose and you picked looks,  It's insincere at best for you to claim you would pick spirit because you didn't.  It's OK to have a preference but you need to be truthful.  

[Gr8fuln2020]

2 hours ago, Kyra said:

I met my current partner through a dating website. We 'clicked' via email and soon met. I was somewhat disappointed that he looked much much older than his profile photos. I don't think they showed any grey hair etc. I was a little put off by him being physically less attractive than I expected, plus a little miffed that I was mislead, but he was so lovely to talk to and by the end of the date I was attracted to him. The first several times we met I was still struck for a moment at how old he looks & wondered what I was doing with a much older man - until we started talking and I remembered why I was attracted to him. The more I knew him and the more fun we had together the more physically attractive I found him. He's three years older now but to me he's gorgeous.

Conversely when I made my profile, I didn't want any potential partners to expect too much from my photos and be disappointed, but the only descent photos I had were quite old. Yet, he told me (much later) that after seeing those photos (after initial emails and before meeting) he had second thoughts because he thought they were quite unattractive photos of me and that he found me to be much more attractive in person. But perhaps that's also down to the chemistry?

Kyra. This is definitely a win, but as many or more do not represent this scenario.

The OP made a decision based on her profile pics. For any of us to deny that they do as well is insincere. I have been surprised in either direction, but nothing more frustrating than finding out that the pics are grossly unrepresentative of who and how that person looks NOW. There has already been deception and manipulation. We have a right to choose the people we want in our lives. To guilt trip someone because the potential date MAY BE NICE (a few messages before meeting is likely to be much more flattering), is unfair. Can people 'grow' to enjoy another's company...sure...but this notion that we should give a try because of this or that and go against our own interests or intuition is...again...unfair. I prefer a woman who is fit, attractive...if she turns out to be a personality of horrid values, I have no problem walking away. This is about what the OP wants in a partner, not how some of us want to project what we want.

[Kyra]

10 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Kyra. This is definitely a win, but as many or more do not represent this scenario.

The OP made a decision based on her profile pics. For any of us to deny that they do as well is insincere. I have been surprised in either direction, but nothing more frustrating than finding out that the pics are grossly unrepresentative of who and how that person looks NOW. There has already been deception and manipulation. We have a right to choose the people we want in our lives. To guilt trip someone because the potential date MAY BE NICE (a few messages before meeting is likely to be much more flattering), is unfair. Can people 'grow' to enjoy another's company...sure...but this notion that we should give a try because of this or that and go against our own interests or intuition is...again...unfair. I prefer a woman who is fit, attractive...if she turns out to be a personality of horrid values, I have no problem walking away. This is about what the OP wants in a partner, not how some of us want to project what we want.

Wow. In nowhere in my post did I advise or tell the OP what to do! I gave one example of a somewhat similar situation for the OP to take what he wants of it. Never claimed it was usual or how people should behave. I made no judgement call at all. Certainly didn't try to make anyone feel guilty for their choices or opinions. Don't know how you got this from my post

[chillii]

Ahhh yessaa , that trick. Back when l was on a date site l saw that all the time.

l was only on it a couple of times before l soon figured out just go straight to the last pic first. lt was amazing very often you wouldn't have even known it was the same woman.

ps , l even had a little saying in my head for the occasion something like,,,, andddd thereee she is.

Edited February 3, 2020 by chillii

[Tonk]

I'd have gone to meet her, every encounter is useful experience!

[Gr8fuln2020]

8 hours ago, Kyra said:

Wow. In nowhere in my post did I advise or tell the OP what to do! I gave one example of a somewhat similar situation for the OP to take what he wants of it. Never claimed it was usual or how people should behave. I made no judgement call at all. Certainly didn't try to make anyone feel guilty for their choices or opinions. Don't know how you got this from my post

Hmmm... I thought I had responded to this earlier. It was not clear, obviously, that I was not referring to you when I spoke of projecting. Sorry.

[ccas93]

I actually had this same scenario happen recently. I matched and talked with a girl (Girl A), thought she was kinda cute and fun to talk to, and then we moved it to snapchat. I was not attracted to the selfies she sent, and she quickly started becoming boring to talk to. She was becoming increasingly invested in me though. Thankfully, the circumstances worked out that another girl (Girl B) stepped in a week or two into that, whom I have been seeing regularly since. I was honest with Girl A and told her I started sleeping with someone else. She thanked me for my honesty, and didn't seem too upset. Relieved if anything. 

You could always go with something like that, though it would be a lie in your case. 

I'd say go ahead and meet her, if you're not attracted to her, then don't cuddle/kiss her or offer her another date. There's nothing wrong with just getting out and hanging out with someone new (who you said you had a lot in common with and sounds like an interesting person otherwise). 

[Cookiesandough]

Kyra, is this the same partner you spoke about in your thread? 
 

I’m surprised at people saying “just go and meet” Even if it’s just coffee, she is probably looking for a romantic partner, not a friend. Why waste the time and especially the emotional energy, as small as it might be, if you can already tell you’re not attracted to her. Most likely you will end up rejecting her anyway. Meeting will probably make the rejection harder to her. She might think it was something she did on the date. You haven’t met her, you have literally any excuse at your disposal, and if you had other options whose personality and appearance you liked this thread never would have even been created and should would have been bye bye yesterday. Sorry but physical attraction IS important to a lot of people for ltr. Not everyone, but a lot. I’d say most. 

[balletomane]

I wasn't 100% sure about my boyfriend based on his dating profile photos. In some he looked fairly attractive, in others he didn't. But I could tell from the profile that he had a sharp sense of humour and the ability to tell a good story, so I arranged to meet him based on that. If nothing else, it would be an evening of fun conversation.

It turned out that he's much more attractive than in his photos. It was all I could do to keep myself from blurting out, "Your pictures really don't do you justice," within fifteen minutes of meeting him. Based on that, I'd say it's worth going on a date and seeing what happens.

[max3732]

On 2/2/2020 at 10:48 AM, d0nnivain said:

What a shame . You should have gone to meet her.  I take lousy pictures but don't look half as bad in person.  

This was possibly a 3 hour obligations -- 1 hour each way there & back plus some time with her.  

You missed out on an excellent opportunity.  I get that you worried you wouldn't be attracted to her but seriously you can't know that off some good pictures & some bad pictures.  Only in person counts but you couldn't make the effort. 

And you wonder why you can't find somebody . . .

I'm not saying she would have been the love of your life but now you will never know because you refused to try  

You were given the opportunity to chose and you picked looks,  It's insincere at best for you to claim you would pick spirit because you didn't.  It's OK to have a preference but you need to be truthful.  

It is definitely a shame! My conscious has been weighing on me heavily since I first saw the additional pictures. Unfortunately she had enough pictures that I could know I wasn't going to be interested in dating her (I'd absolutely be friends with her though). It wasn't 1 or 2 bad pictures or lousy lighting or anything light that. 

After sending her the message I woke up in the middle of the night wondering if I did the right thing and went back to sleep convinced that I did. When it comes to finding someone to date/marry I've had a lot of conflicting advice, but I've determined that I need to be happy with the choice even if everything is not ideal. Looks are definitely one component and if I know that's not there it doesn't make sense to me for either one of us to invest the time/effort required for a face to face meeting. The drive for both of us would be tough, but it would be even harder for her. If she lived 20 minutes away it would have made the decision harder, but looking at her drive online also made the decision easier.

I also based my decision on the fact that I had someone recently string me along for a couple weeks and then break up when I tried to setup another date. I would have much rather had her tell me right away so I could make other plans. Hopefully she will find the right man for her.

Hopefully you can understand where I'm coming from here and don't judge me too harshly. I'm trying to do the right thing for both of us.

[max3732]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Kyra, is this the same partner you spoke about in your thread? 
 

I’m surprised at people saying “just go and meet” Even if it’s just coffee, she is probably looking for a romantic partner, not a friend. Why waste the time and especially the emotional energy, as small as it might be, if you can already tell you’re not attracted to her. Most likely you will end up rejecting her anyway. Meeting will probably make the rejection harder to her. She might think it was something she did on the date. You haven’t met her, you have literally any excuse at your disposal, and if you had other options whose personality and appearance you liked this thread never would have even been created and should would have been bye bye yesterday. Sorry but physical attraction IS important to a lot of people for ltr. Not everyone, but a lot. I’d say most. 

Exactly! I know if someone rejects me after a few messages it's much easier on me than if I take the effort to meet them in person. Especially with a long and difficult drive like we would have had.

[d0nnivain]

I know your heart is in the right place max3732.  I only did OLD for a very short time -- 3 months.  I was not attracted to any of the 3 men I agreed to meet & had I met them IRL I would not have gone out with them.  Attraction is important.  However, I did give them all the benefit of the doubt & we all traveled more then 40 minutes to meet.  I don't really know what the right answer is but I stand by the requirement that there be an inperson analysis if you have been conversing.  

[Zippy2000]

On ‎1‎/‎30‎/‎2020 at 10:42 PM, max3732 said:

I've been chatting with someone online and it seems like we've had a good conversation and we have a lot in common. She lives about 2 hours from me but I was thinking we could meet half way soon. We've been chatting on the phone/texting and I just went on her profile to remind myself more about her before asking her out and noticed her later pictures are not as attractive as the earlier ones. Sure enough the profile picture and the early ones must have been taken a while ago (the caption says "before my trip to x") and as I cycled through more pictures they get less attractive. She not only gained a considerable amount of weight, but just everything looks worse and I don't find the recent pictures attractive at all.

This is partly my fault for not clicking through all the pictures before messaging her, but now I feel guilty after talking to her and finding out how much we have in common. She's also been saying how great I am and how much she enjoys talking to me. That being said I don't want to waste either one of our time and certainly don't want both of us to drive an hour when I know it's not going to go anywhere.

Normally I like to be honest with people, but I don't think honesty is the best policy here. How do I get out of this without hurting her feelings?

 Just go through with it and meet her.  She may be better looking in real life but you wont know until you go

[rightondude]

hey if you got nothing better going on, why not just meet and see what happens? You don't have to put a ring on it on the first date. How do you even know she's going to be gaga over you brother?

 

[sothereiwas]

11 hours ago, rightondude said:

hey if you got nothing better going on, why not just meet and see what happens? You don't have to put a ring on it on the first date. How do you even know she's going to be gaga over you brother?

 

Can't speak for him but a lot of people have things going on and would have to buy out a good slice of a day for this. Some people's time is precious, why waste it? 

[rightondude]

hey I said "IF" 🙂 ... there's been a lot of times in my life where I didn't have anything better going on!

 

[Fletch Lives]

Okay, well dating is a process and over a couple of days, you determined from her pics that you are not attracted to her. Don't feel bad, this is normal dating.

The best way to reject somebody is to make it their own idea, make them think they are dropping you. Tell her you met someone else and want to see where it goes (or tell her what kk said).

Edited February 7, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[CLS63AMG]

Lots of confusion in here from the ladies.  Something everyone needs to remember is that men are attracted by the visuals right away. Period.  There is no wiggle room for a great personality or anything else if the visual attraction isn't there (although it is a factor, but not if the attraction is zero).  Women are attracted to a range of things, usually over a course of time, so its not the same at all and that's a fact - it's how we're hard wired. 

Men are microwaves, women are crock pots.

 

Had he been female and said all of a sudden the guys pics didn't align but she loved his personality and conversation then yes, of course, go meet. (just like many in here did and now happily in relationships!)

Edited February 8, 2020 by CLS63AMG