what do OLD female 'regulars' want

[clia]

How do you know she's been on POF nonstop and been fully engaged in it for the past two years?  Just because she's had a profile up doesn't necessarily mean that she hasn't taken breaks or been less than focused on OLD.  At any rate, it took me years to find my husband, so I don't even think two years is very long.  It's very possible that she's been sifting through a lot of frogs.  There could be any number of things about your profile that made her not interested in responding.  Height is definitely a possibility -- if she is as attractive and desirable as you seem to think, she's probably getting a lot of attention and things like height, location, finances are easy ways to reduce the pool.  

[SumGuy]

2 minutes ago, clia said:

How do you know she's been on POF nonstop and been fully engaged in it for the past two years?  Just because she's had a profile up doesn't necessarily mean that she hasn't taken breaks or been less than focused on OLD.  At any rate, it took me years to find my husband, so I don't even think two years is very long.  It's very possible that she's been sifting through a lot of frogs.  There could be any number of things about your profile that made her not interested in responding.  Height is definitely a possibility -- if she is as attractive and desirable as you seem to think, she's probably getting a lot of attention and things like height, location, finances are easy ways to reduce the pool.  

That is always a good possibility.  I hide my profile when not looking but I'm told my picture still comes up in searches and shows more activity than I'm engaging in.  I think any interaction with the site, like maybe even an app reaching out to update can be logged as activity.  Of course if you click on my photo it says I'm off and you don;t see my profile.

Looked back at the height thing, if she is 5'7" and you're 5'8" that could well be it but would think that would show in her preferences.  In those cases where I've reached out to someone where I've been on their height edge, I bring it up up front. 

 

OP: You can also play off how the algorithm keeps putting her as your super match, and you are reaching out to not anger our AI overlords.   

I do think a lot of it comes down to if she is the kind who would reach out, if on so long she may be reconsidering how she selects, even if she now might consider you she may feel awkward reaching out after ignoring you multiple times.  Heck some women love respectful persistence, wooing so to speak.  

Turn the "oddities" you perceive to your advantage, think of how she might still be on and might still consider you and respond to that woman.

 

[2BGoodAgain]

i'm guessing here, but... NOT TO BE CALLED "OLD"?

[elaine567]

22 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Heck some women love respectful persistence, wooing so to speak.  

OK, but I would think in that case there would be some banter back and forth, not NO response whatsoever..

[nospam99]

@HL.

PoF About Me: 282 words
PoF Conversation Starters: 233 words
Match Summary: 268 words
OP this topic: 411 words

All counts provided by MS Word

[nospam99]

@cli. Profiles age off the list after two weeks. I've been checking the list for 'entertainment' since May. She has not aged off the list that whole time. I was less religious about checking prior to May. To my recollection, pre May, she was always there.

[Ellener]

7 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

I've been checking the list for 'entertainment' since May.

I'm not sure this way of describing other people is putting a healthy vibe 'out there' @nospam99

Or in-depth online searching and profiling others. I understand the safety aspect, I'll google someone and make sure they are real before we meet, but if someone said to me I've been watching you online type thing I'd feel a bit creeped out and wonder why they have so much time on their hands.

 

 

[nospam99]

@sumguy. On Match users can (almost all do) explicitly set a 'Looking For' parameter to specify the height of people they want to meet. This parameter is used by the algorithms to population the match lists and calculate a percentage match number. On PoF, if there is a height filter, it's so well hidden that I can't find it. It may be one of the things users could have specified in a previous version of the User Interface. I've seen it (rarely) in women's profiles but it does not appear in ''example woman's''.

Somebody asked about blocking example woman to get a new match. She is high in my lists. All the other women would move up one slot and the 'new' match' would be added at the end of the list and ranked worse than all who where previously there.

[nospam99]

@ellener. LOL. I don't tell women on OLD how long I've been 'watching' them. That would be creepy. One of the reasons I decided not to send yet another message to example woman is that it also might appear creepy either way, whether or not that message acknowledged that I remember how long she's been on OLD or that I messaged her before.

It's not just how long women are on OLD. Plenty of the 'regulars' are superficially undesirable. I understand that those might 'stick around' 'forever' or until they give up. (If I'm an undesirable male, I might be in that category.) But plenty of the regulars are superficially desirable. Those are the ones about whom I'm curious what their end game is.

[Ellener]

21 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

superficially desirable.

 

21 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

end game

These ideas aren't what I would put out there to 'The Gods of Love and Happiness' @nospam99 It sounds shallow.

Think big poetic thoughts!!

Edited January 31, 2020 by Ellener
spelling

[nospam99]

@ellener. I'm not apologizing for using 'direct' language, that I wouldn't use IRL unless I trusted my listener, here on a forum.

I'm not one of those stereotypical men who are 'only interested in one thing'. But I am definitely interested in sex (the one thing) to be a significant part of a committed relationship that I hope to be a participant in some day. Given that interest on my part, if a woman is not 'superficially desirable', the likelihood that she will ever be my partner in that relationship is minimal.

Everybody has an end game. Sex ... love ... commitment ... comfort ... wealth ... security ... companionship ... most likely some mix of the preceding. My end game is a mix, maybe leaving out wealth because, for me, I don't expect to derive wealth from a couples relationship (LOL I've been divorced in a blue state and kissed significant wealth 'goodbye'). Understanding the end game of the superficially desirable women whose profiles I see on OLD helps me with the 'pursue vs next' tactical decision. Yes, I see life as, among other models, both a game and a dance.

Edited January 31, 2020 by nospam99

[Ellener]

36 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

I see life as, among other models, both a game and a dance.

A game tends to have winners and losers, many dances must have a partner who leads...

But there is a song in the Unitarian hymn book describes a relationship I'd love:

Let it be a dance we do.
May I have this dance with you?
For the good times, and the bad times too,
Let it be a dance.
Let a dancing song be heard.
Play the music. Say the words.
Fill the sky with sailing birds.
Let it be a dance. 
Every body turn and spin.
Let your bodies learn to bend
Like a willow in the wind,
And let it be a dance.
A child is born. We all must die.
A time for joy, a time to cry --
So, take it as it passes by,
And let it be a dance. The morning star comes out at night.
Without the dark, there'd be no light.
Yet, if nothing's wrong, then nothing's right.
So, let it be a dance. 
Let the sun shine. Let it rain.
Share the laughter. Bear the pain.
Round and round we go again,
And let it be a dance.
Let it be a dance we do.
May I have this dance with you?
For the good times, and the bad times too,
Let it be a dance...

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, nospam99 said:

PoF About Me: 282 words
PoF Conversation Starters: 233 words
Match Summary: 268 words

You know... I think we may be on to something, here.

I just checked some of my word documents and compared what I thought was a long document vs. a shorter document.  I think your profile may be a bit long to hold someone's attention.

Have you thought about maybe shortening it up a bit.  Maybe a paragraph or two??

Personally, if I had spent a long period of time trying "on-line" dating, as you have; I might be inclined to take a 90 degree turn with my profile.  I would do something to grab someone's attention, at a glance.  Something to separate me from the herd.  Maybe do something bold/new like 3 words "Pasta or Pancakes??" and nothing else.  I bet that might at least get your electronic "foot in the door"

What say you ladies??  Would you respond quicker to a 300 word essay or a 3 word question??

[vla1120]

10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

What say you ladies??  Would you respond quicker to a 300 word essay or a 3 word question??

There is a happy medium. I don't usually respond to profiles with minimal information, but I also don't like drawn out, lengthy profiles that drone on and on (UNLESS the writing is witty and captures my attention. Then, it must also be error-free with correct spelling, grammar and punctuation, as well as sentence structure and paragraphs, etc.)

[VioletVelvet]

4 hours ago, nospam99 said:

But plenty of the regulars are superficially desirable. Those are the ones about whom I'm curious what their end game is.

From my perspective, I've been on/off dating sites for going on 8 years now. (That's the first thing -- so if someone sees me again they might think I've been there the whole time when I'm definitely not) The first few years I was single, I was looking for something very different from what I'm looking for now -- back then I was looking for fun and fireworks and now I'm looking for something significant. This might be the case with some of the women you're talking about too. (If their pics remain the same, that's a different matter) 

[basil67]

@nospam99 Now, I only raise this because you've made a point about how someone must be 'superficially attractive' for you to pursue a relationship with them.  Could it be that despite having a lot in common, she simply doesn't find you attractive?  

The other guys who things haven't worked out with....it seems that you're making an assumption that she didn't want the other guys.   Now, if she's 61 and looks 35, then she's probably had work done and might well be vain as all hell.   So perhaps the guys didn't want her?   Perhaps her sex drive has tanked post menopause?  Perhaps she's bossy and domineering?   

If her profile is true....and she makes a good partner...she wouldn't be single. 

Edited January 31, 2020 by basil67

[chillii]

 

When l was on one back when, l found someone that for me would be my dream, how lucky l was to have found someone like her on a date site, l couldn't believe it.

Everything was right, l was everything she said she was looking for and her me and then some. l followed her a little bit , then l liked her , she liked me back and l sent a message, nothing. So l sent another message in a few days later, nothing. She didn't delete me, she'd been looking at my page, but still nothing.

2 weeks later , still nothing, who knows why, l'd kill to know, ahh, so to speak. She was still on there, still checking my page, 3 weeks, still nothing , still didn't delete me.  What can ya do.

[salparadise]

POF is the problem. I don’t know why exactly, but the women it attracts are bottom of the barrel. It amazes me every time I take a look. It’s a crap site, so maybe it’s water seeking its own level.

Most of the women don’t really know what they want, and that goes for all sites. They dream about knights in shining armor on white horses, glass slippers... generally speaking, there’s a damn good reason they’re single. And for many it’s either showing clearly in their pics or stated explicitly in their fractured sentences. 
The rational approach is to stop having big expectations and wait for a ray of light to illuminate your needle in a haystack. Then be quick and decisive. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by salparadise

[nospam99]

@sal. LOL because of your accusations focusing on PoF. Perhaps my evaluation is too generous because I met my 'most special someone' via PoF. But that was two years ago. And my 'success' with PoF ended there. Just curious though.... I suspect the value of OLD varies, along with other factors, with the age of the women a 'searcher' is dealing with. I started in the 55+ demographic and that demographic has been aging along with me. Is your 'bottom of the barrel' characterization based on observation of a particular age range?

[Ruby Slippers]

On 1/31/2020 at 9:26 AM, clia said:

Just because she's had a profile up doesn't necessarily mean that she hasn't taken breaks or been less than focused on OLD.  At any rate, it took me years to find my husband, so I don't even think two years is very long.  It's very possible that she's been sifting through a lot of frogs.  

Yes. I don't think I've spent 2 years on dating sites, but I've set up profiles a few times over the years. It didn't take that long to find dates and a relationship. But if I was on the site, that meant I hadn't yet found someone I was interested in getting serious with.

Maybe 1 out of 100 men who messaged me seemed appealing and compatible enough to meet them.

If you've messaged her 3 times with no reply, I think it's safe to say she's not interested and doesn't see potential. 

[introverted1]

Do you know that she's still active on the site?  Some apps show you as "active" if you've got the app on your phone and don't bother to log out, but just close the app.

Other possibilities:

• She's bat s*** crazy
• She is not attracted to your looks
• Your message(s) to her didn't pique her interest
• She's been dating casually but hasn't found "the one."
• Her profile is fake
• She has requirements you don't meet (height, money)

 

[nospam99]

My feeble attempt to encourage 'on topic' replies ....

The reason I started the topic was to try to get some insight into women who appear to have plenty going for them and yet stay on OLD literally for years. 'Example woman' is just that, an example. The circumstances of her not showing interest in dating me do not explain why she hasn't found someone else or given up.

She shows as active on the web version of the site (PoF) and has only dropped off for one or two days 'every now and then'. But not long enough to drop off my ranked lists. She currently shows as last online yesterday evening just after 10pm.

Her disinterest in ME does not explain her continuing activity on the site. Though, yes, she could easily be not attracted to my looks, my messages might not have piqued her interest, or she may have requirements I don't meet.

Given the content of her profile AND that she did respond to my first message with appropriate content in her response message, I'm pretty sure that she's not crazy and her profile is not fake.

@introverted. Occam's Razor has eliminated all possibilities from your list except dating casually but hasn't found 'the one'. For TWO YEARS? And she's not the only woman showing this pattern. I picked her for my example because I was considering that fourth message before deciding 'nah' and then deciding to throw the general question about what regulars (PLURAL!) want out here on LS.

Edited February 4, 2020 by nospam99

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

The reason I started the topic was to try to get some insight into women who appear to have plenty going for them and yet stay on OLD literally for years. 

"appear to" being the operative words.    The reason someone with a lot going for them is still available is because they are either broken/expecting too much/are a fake profile. 

Edited to add: it's also possible she really is everything she points out, but isn't actively looking for a partner and so doesn't feel the need to meet someone who's profile doesn't spark immediate interest....and in the meantime is also quite content bring single.   I'm sure that some would place a higher priority on meeting someone new than others.

 

Edited February 4, 2020 by basil67

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, nospam99 said:

The reason I started the topic was to try to get some insight into women who appear to have plenty going for them and yet stay on OLD literally for years. 

@introverted. Occam's Razor has eliminated all possibilities from your list except dating casually but hasn't found 'the one'. For TWO YEARS?

Yes, I think this type of person has a high ideal and isn't interested in less.

People have different standards and hopes for love. Some people are happy with basically a warm body, others hope for the moon, and everything in between. I lean toward the moon, but have brought my hopes down to earth somewhat, and am now with a guy who hits many, MANY of my high notes, but has some flaws that I think I can maybe live with. I'm certainly not perfect myself, have not yet reached the high ideals I hold for myself, but am working on that all the time.

My favorite coworker is divorced, mid-40s, highly accomplished, in addition to her day job is a professional singer who has performed for the mayor of our city and many crowds of at least 500 people, beautiful woman, smart, vivacious, just a peach of a woman. She has TONS of men interested in her, but all of them fall short of her high ideal in one way or another, and she has zero interest in "settling." She tried that with her ex-husband and ended up divorcing him.

She's not unhappy without a man. She has a beautiful family of 3 kids, tons of vivacious friends, a thriving career, active spiritual life, almost done with her master's degree, one of the best cooks I've ever met, an absolute dynamo of a woman. Like me, she'd rather be at home having fun cooking up some incredible food (yesterday she brought me homemade shrimp and crawfish cornbread to die for, better than any restaurant cornbread I've ever had, and a little mini raspberry pie), performing her music, working on her master's, or just curled up with a good book, than be with a man who doesn't really excite her.

She's on a dating site and tells me what's going on there. All these men make various fumbles and for her just don't cut the mustard. I support her 100% in holding out for her version of the real deal. I adore her and am bringing her roses and homemade cookies for Valentine's Day, and will do the same for a few other fabulous single lady friends and coworkers.

[stillafool]

On 1/30/2020 at 8:03 PM, nospam99 said:

first noticed her more than two years ago in my first month on PoF. She's at the top of my attractiveness scale: 61 y/o but her photos show a woman who can easily pass for 35. I will claim (don't remember for sure after 2 years) that rather than picking her out for her appearance first, what got me to notice her is how high she is ranked for me by PoF on their UltraMatch and Chemistry scales. These scales are 'advertised' as predicting how compatible pairs of people will be. She's up there for me. And we have both taken PoF's personal 'Chemistry Test' which is supposed to help PoF do a better job matching.

This woman sounds like a lady I know through Church.  She lost her husband a couple of years ago after a long illness.  She is very, very attractive and doesn't pass for her age and she's about 62.  Several men have tried dating her and she is just not interested.  People want to set her up and she isn't the least bit interested.  She's very involved with her children and grand children and seems very happy with her life.  I know this lady would not ever get on a dating site.