Infidelity

[Lovemeornot]

Hi, I’m new to this site and really need some help and support.  I recently ended a 3 year affair with a married man.  It was a very toxic relationship and unfortunately I fell for all his lies as he was good at manipulating.  This man was one I knew for years as I worked at same place he did. He is a very liked and respected man, everyone pretty much worships the ground he walks on but he also had a reputation with the ladies. I heard rumors over the years of girls he messed with around with at work but didn’t really know if they were true.  I mean if these were true how can he continue to get away with it and look like a great guy right. 
Then one day this man who holds a high position there ask me to come join his team so I did. I worked for him for a few years and hung out at lunch with him and other co-workers. 
We all became close and learned a lot about things going on in our personal lives.  Little did I know this was part of his game.  
After about 3 years of working with him he got a promotion and moved to a new department.  After him taking the new job in the same building but another department we all decided to go out and celebrate and that’s when he made his move on me.  I knew he was married but I was going through some Personal things in my life which he knew and I know this was no excuse but it happened, we slept together.  
Throughout the 3 years we continued meeting up and sleeping together.  We went to dinners, movies and even Vegas together. He shared a lot more about his home life and issues. He made me trust him by the things he shared.  He said he was not happy at him, his wife had multiple affairs, was an alcoholic for years and he wasn’t in love with her.  In the beginning he said he couldn’t leave because they had custody of the grandkids. 
Eventually he then started telling me that he was working on leaving and that he wanted to be with me.  This of course never happened and eventually wore me down.  I did try to leave the situation many of times as deep down I knew he wasn’t leaving.  I told him many of times that I didn’t want him to leave her for me that he should leave because he’s unhappy.  I also ask hundreds of times that if he couldn’t or didn’t want to leave to just be honest and I would move on. But of course he would reel me back in with his lies.  
Finally around Christmas time I noticed his behavior and habits were changing and said something but he of course denied it.  He went bought me a Christmas gift and still continued to tell he was leaving eventually.  Christmas Eve he sent me a picture of his grandkid in front of Christmas tree and what do I see sitting under the tree, it’s the same gift he got me. I immediately went off on him and threatened to tell the wife.  I didn’t of course at least not that night.  He went into denial mode saying that his grandkids bought the gift for her and he got her nothing but this time I knew I wasn’t falling for his lies anymore. 

Two days later he showed up at my work continuing to apologize and brought me a new present.  I pretended to be okay and act as if I believed him. New Year’s Eve comes and I go out with my girlfriends, I run into my cousin (a man) who I hadn’t seen in years. We took a picture together posted on social media and my phone started blowing up. The married man started sending nasty text saying things like I bet he is going to kill it tonight with you, you guys getting a room to start off the year right.  I simply was not going to let him ruin my night so I text back that he hurt and used me enough to leave me alone.  His last response was that he still loved me and wouldn’t bother me anymore. 
The next day he decided to post a picture of him and his wife together on social media in which he never did.  He then tried to apologize to me for being mean. It was at that point I couldn’t take it anymore and I did the worst thing I sent a text to the wife exposing him. I know now I shouldn’t have sent it but I just wanted to be done with him and I knew if I told he would be done with me and I could finally move on and start to heal and forgive myself for the affair.

Well it’s been a few weeks now and I was starting to feel better and then it happened I seen him with his wife at a place that he knows I go to, it was almost as if he was rubbing it in my face. 
Seeing him with her made me feel so horrible, not sad or missing him, I just feel like a horrible person all together.  How do I get over this and move on, I thought I was doing good until tonight.  
I forgot to add that after I text the wife in which she never responded, he took down all social media and told me to never contact him or his family again. 

Edited January 31, 2020 by Lovemeornot

[mark clemson]

Always hard to know what's really going on with these things. But it's clear either he lied his way out of your text or she already knows and tolerates what he does. Possibly what he said about them both having affairs might be true.

You attempted to go nuclear and it didn't work. However, you still have the HR at work card to play should ever you need it. I would keep evidence of anything that went on at work IN CASE you ever decide to reveal it (make sure you have a new job lined up if you ever do that, as it's definitely a two edged sword).

I assume you got tested for STDs, if not, you need to.

You will need to decide whether to tell your husband. Many people insist this is necessary for full healing etc. Whether that's true or not, there are definitely valid reasons to do so. My take is that this is a case-by-case decision. IF you tell, be prepared for the possibility of divorce as one end of the spectrum of possible outcomes (there are certainly less drastic ones possible). In your case, since you already told the MM's wife, there's little to stop him from telling your husband in retaliation should he choose to, expect possibly the HR/work aspect. So that's one thing you should take into account - he might decide on a whim or when drunk or something similar.

Since you cheated, I'm going to guess you haven't been very happy in your marriage for some time. You'll need to think about whether to work on it or possibly end it? No suggestion either way from me, but please realize that there's really nothing your husband could have done that would ever make him "deserve" to be cheated on. That decision is fully on you. Your marriage (and family if you have kids) might get blown up as a result of all this. Only time will tell.

Edited January 31, 2020 by mark clemson

[Lovemeornot]

Thank you for the reply and kind words.  I have been divorced for a few years now, that was one of the things I was dealing with personally that he new about.  I also no longer work at the company with him, my department was laid off over a year ago.  I regret ever getting involved with him, I don’t have any real hard evidence of him using his job to have affairs I don’t think I could do that to anyone.  I’m sure in good time he will do it again with someone else and eventually get caught at work. I just wanna move on from this and not feel so guilty, used and hurt. 

[mark clemson]

Fair enough and completely understandable. Time and wiser decisions going forward will doubtless be a big help.

[schlumpy]

What is it about a love affair that causes our IQ's to drop by 50 points and allows the reptilian part of brains to do an end run around the frontal lobes which is where our judgement and values reside? 

You were clearly at a vulnerable point in your life and he took full advantage of it. I don't see any choice for you but to find another job. You have an active enemy in the workplace who is in a position of authority and feels enmity towards you. Maybe he wants to get even or hurt you. That's not a good thing for career advancement and your own mental health. You will have to reset your life and let this sordid little episode retreat into the past. There should be horrible feelings on your part. You tried to destroy a family for your own selfish needs. Nothing wrong with doing a bit penance for that mistake. The feelings will fade soon enough. 

It would do you good to have a period of time for self reflection. Get some counseling and find a good answer for your own behavior the last three years.  That knowledge should allow you to repair your own self image by shoring up the emotional weak points that allowed the affair to happen.

Get rid of everything he ever gave you and all affair memorabilia. Burning it is always a nice cathartic release. Cleansing flame can denote a new beginning.

Try to salvage something good from this experience by not allowing it to happen again. Go forth and look for a healthy, satisfying relationship with a man who lights up when he sees you come into the room. 

[notbroken]

Put it behind you, NEVER date a married person again, and go forward the best you can.   Spend a SHORT period of time reflecting on your role in this (it was NOT all his 'fault', you played along and are culpable too), forgive yourself and learn from your mistake.   Short term, a healthy diversion (gym, bicycling, walking, etc) could help take your mind off things and help you as you go into a better future.   Good luck. 

Never participate in lies again - from others or yourself.   Life is too short to be living a lie.