How can I move forward when her parents don't want us together?

[Thatguy67]

So me and my girlfriend of 5 months decided to have sex for the first time for both of us, and we both said it was an intense form of commitment for both of us. Her parents took her phone and found this out, and by all accounts and information I have, they’ve pressured her into ended that relationship last week. We haven’t talked since, but I’ve heard she’s been crying about it. I really felt something special with her, and I don’t wanna give up on it, but is there anything I could do if her parents really are forcing this? Is there a way for things to work even in the future?

[2BGoodAgain]

depends on how dependent you two are... seems you two live under your parents roof?

Normally, i'd say if you love each other enough... the parents don't matter... kinda... 

but i think you both are a bit young, no?

[Thatguy67]

I do see you point on age. I am a month off of 17, and she’s a month into 15. We had very deep conversations regarding age and what that meant for us now and in the future, but where I’m stuck is how this isn’t what either of us want, but her parents do. While I’m aware a young relationship isn’t always a perfect thing, I feel deeply attached to this one because of a connection I felt in it compared to any others. I hope that ideology makes sense

[Daisydooks]

She is still a child. For now, respect her parents wishes. If she is worth waiting for, you will. Do you not attend the same school? I assume you haven't seen her since? 

[elaine567]

She is 15!!
Is it legal where you live to have sex with a 15yo?

[Thatguy67]

Yes, it is legal and was consensual for both of us. It was a big decision for us and we spent proper time preparing and making sure we were safe. While I do understand her parents frustration and decision to some extent, I can’t help but see emotional and intimate decisions as ones for the people involved to make. I intend to wait as I care deeply for her, but can’t help but be very emotional over it all

[2BGoodAgain]

5 minutes ago, Thatguy67 said:

I do see you point on age. I am a month off of 17, and she’s a month into 15. We had very deep conversations regarding age and what that meant for us now and in the future, but where I’m stuck is how this isn’t what either of us want, but her parents do. While I’m aware a young relationship isn’t always a perfect thing, I feel deeply attached to this one because of a connection I felt in it compared to any others. I hope that ideology makes sense

that's what i thought....

you two are not self sufficient, much less independent. i mean, she got her phone taken away... 

i realize most everyone here will tell you they aren't with the person they met at 15... well, most.. I'm sure there's some hard core couples here that lasted the test of time.... 

since she is 15, and since her parents could get serious and come after you with statutory rape(rare, but some angry parents have been known to do this)... i'd respect her parents wishes and once they've calmed down a bit, perhaps ask their permission to date her?

having said that... she's only 15... and gosh, you two are young... are you even allowed on this website??? lol.

give her parents space and respect their wishes and MEBBE they'll come around, if you and her feelings haven't changed during that time....

b/c honestly, you have no legal grounds here... at all... cuz if you go the legal route, you'll end up someone's boytoy in prison. 

so go the soft approach with her parents; it really IS up to them.

[Thatguy67]

1 minute ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

that's what i thought....

you two are not self sufficient, much less independent. i mean, she got her phone taken away... 

i realize most everyone here will tell you they aren't with the person they met at 15... well, most.. I'm sure there's some hard core couples here that lasted the test of time.... 

since she is 15, and since her parents could get serious and come after you with statutory rape(rare, but some angry parents have been known to do this)... i'd respect her parents wishes and once they've calmed down a bit, perhaps ask their permission to date her?

having said that... she's only 15... and gosh, you two are young... are you even allowed on this website??? lol.

give her parents space and respect their wishes and MEBBE they'll come around, if you and her feelings haven't changed during that time....

b/c honestly, you have no legal grounds here... at all... cuz if you go the legal route, you'll end up someone's boytoy in prison. 

so go the soft approach with her parents; it really IS up to them.

While I’m not sure if I’m old enough to be on this site, I came here for advice as anyone else would. We were aware of things like legal charges, but admittedly saw it as a non-issue as long as we both consented. Thank you sincerely for the thought out response. Like I’d mentioned, I very much intend to wait it out, but it is difficult for me as an almost 17 year old to cope with.

[Els]

At your ages there isn't anything that you can do, unfortunately. When you move out and go to college or work, then you will have a bit more freedom.

[Daisydooks]

With all due respect, she is a child. A child who isnt yours. A child who legally doesnt make her own decisions. A child who had her phone taken away...  because she isnt in control of the bill and has no say. 

Even if you're not 18 yet, statutory rape has to be on your radar here. 

She is a minor. You will be an adult and in the eyes of the law, and that is rape. You will always be older and in time, you will be an adult while she is a child, if it is not illegal now. Consent doesnt change rape in the eyes of the law. If it did, 13 year olds would be able to have sex with 27 year olds.  

That means jail time and it also means your name is going on the sex offender registry for the rest of your life. She isn't worth that. No man I know is with the girl he was with at 15-17. None of them. So why risk this? I know, you care for her now, but this isnt a lasting relationship when we look at stats. 

Since her parents are furious, respect that. Dont ruin your life for sex with a minor. They could very well take you to the cleaners on this if you pursue her and your entire life could be ruined.  

You'll end up without jobs because of this and it will shoot you in the foot as you try to better yourself in life and a mistake you made at 16-17, could haunt you for the rest of your life. You do NOT want to mess up your ENTIRE life. You also dont see the consequences of your actions because you're also a child still. 

You clearly arent thinking straight and it's not even your fault. You cant possibly, at your age, foresee all the bad that could come of this and do not understand the consequences of your actions. You wont for years to come. Not only are you not an adult either, your brain wont even finish growing for another 10 years. 

 I know you want what you want and love one another and chose this together. You should have consulted both of your parents first to see what they felt and to get their read on the idea. That way, you would have known how they felt and had a good long discussion first. What do your parents think? Do they know? Why did you hide this from them? 

One of the amazing things about having parents who give a damn, is they step in when you're not old enough to understand the consequences of your actions.

They very much worry about their daughter becoming pregnant, missing out on years of school, not attending college, not pursuing her dreams and goals... all for you and all while you go off to college, get a great job, and essentially leave her to be a single mother to a child you never wanted.  You want sex, not babies. And most of us arent even speaking to the boys we dated at 15. Most 16 year old boys dont stick around to play daddy. Heck, a lot of adults can barely handle the responsibility. I am one of the few who remained with my partner from 16-28. He cheated on me when I was 28.  So, even we arent together. 

So if numbers serve as anything here, this relationship wont last and their daughter will end up hurt and with a good possibility she is pregnant before 18... and more than likely with boy who doesnt want to be a father yet. Do you  want to be a father by 18?

My mom always said, dont you dare get pregnant unless you can do this alone. It wasn't that she hated my boyfriend, but she knew it would be all on my shoulders to raise a baby  

I know you're hurt, sad and feeling heartbroken. Learn from this. Please, please, please learn from this. 

Edited January 31, 2020 by Daisydooks

[Thatguy67]

2 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

With all due respect, she is a child. A child who isnt yours. A child who legally doesnt make her own decisions. A child who had her phone taken away...  because she isnt in control of the bill and has no say. She is a baby.

Even if you're not 18 yet, statutory rape has to be on your radar here. Unless you were younger than she is, you are risking a lot as a male. 

She is a minor. You will be an adult and in the eyes of the law, and that is rape. You will always be older and in time, you will be an adult while she is a child, if it is not illegal now. Consent doesnt change rape in the eyes of the law. If it did, 13 year olds would be able to have sex with 27 year olds.  

That means jail time and it also means your name is going on the sex offender registry for the rest of your life. She isn't worth that. No man I know is with the girl he was with at 15-17. None of them. So why risk this? I know, you care for her now, but this isnt a lasting relationship when we look at stats. 

Since her parents are furious, respect that. Dont ruin your life for sex with a minor. They could very well take you to the cleaner on this if you pursue her and your entire life could be ruined.  

You'll end up without jobs because of this and it will shoot you in the foot as you try to better yourself in life and a mistake you made at 16-17, could haunt you for the rest of your life. You do NOT want to mess up your ENTIRE life. You also dont see the consequences of your actions because you're also a child still. Kids shouldn't be having sex

You clearly arent thinking straight and it's not even your fault. You cant possibly at your age foresee all the bad that could come of this and do not understand the consequences of your actions. You wont for years to come because only are you not an adult either, your brain wont even finish growing for another 10 years. 

 I know you want want you want and love one another and chose this together. You should have consulted both of your parents first to see what they felt and to get their read on the idea. That way, you would have known how they felt and had a good long discussion first. What do your parents think? Do they know? Why did you hide this from them? 

One of the amazing things about having parents who give a damn, is they step in when you're not old enough to understand the consequences of your actions.

They very much worry about their daughter becoming pregnant, missing out on years of school, not attending college, not pursuing her dreams and goals... all for you and all while you go off to college, get a great job, and essentially leave her to be a single mother to a child you never wanted.  You want sex, not babies. And most of us arent even speaking to the boys we dated at 15. Most 16 year old boys dont stick around to play daddy. Heck, a lot of adults can barely handle the responsibility. 

So if numbers serve as anything here, this relationship wont last and their daughter will end up hurt, upset and with a good possibility she is pregnant before 18... and more than likely with boy who doesnt want to be a father yet. My mom always said, dont you dare get pregnant unless you can do this alone. It wasn't that she hated my boyfriend, but she knew it would be all on my shoulders to raise a baby  

I know you're hurt, sad and feeling heartbroken. Learn from this. Please, please, please learn from this. 

Wow, that’s a lot to take in there. I appreciate it. Even I realize 5 months is in no way long lasting, but my point had been that while both of us tried hard to be aware of these things, we still wanted to make our relationship more than a small high school one. I still wish to be with her regardless, and will deeply consider what that means now and down the road. I’m not exactly sure what else to say, but I know there’s more on my mind. I see myself as an expressive young man, and that includes the part where I can admit to being sad and hurt in a way I haven’t before. Crying and slipping with school in ways I haven’t before. I guess what I’m trying to say is that for me, there’s been other relationships, one’s where the partner wanted to be sexually involved, but for me, it wasn’t right with them. Even as a child, I still feel I have some sense of the depth of a connection and what that means to me. My apologies for responding in an off topic way

[d0nnivain]

Her parents don't want her growing up too fast.  They understand & fear the consequences of teenaged sex.   Seriously if she got pregnant what is your plan?  Going on the TV show about teen moms doesn't count.  It's not a glamourous life.  

It's also really difficult if not impossible to put the sex genie back in the bottle.  Once you cross that boundary it's tough to feel satisfied with making out & petting only.  Thus the parents know that no matter how many promises you two make not to have sex again, you will just break them.  Not because you are bad people, liars or defiant teens but because that pull is so intense.  

They are trying to put the brakes on her growing up.  They want to assure she has a future that includes a good job & the ability to support any children. 

Perhaps talk to your own parents about what happened & then have a full family meeting between you, her & each of your parents to see if the adults are willing to set certain rules & restrictions about you two dating again.  I suspect any compromise will include lots & lots of supervision with you two have zero alone time to prevent temptation.  

Edited January 31, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Thatguy67]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Her parents don't want her growing up too fast.  They understand & fear the consequences of teenaged sex.   Seriously if she got pregnant what is your plan?  Going on the TV show about teen moms doesn't count.  It's not a glamourous life.  

It's also really difficult if not impossible to put the sex genie back in the bottle.  Once you cross that boundary it's tough to feel satisfied with making out & petting only.  Thus the parents know that no matter how many promises you to make not to have sex again, you will just break them.  Not because you are bad people, liars or defiant teens but because that pull is so intense.  

They are trying to put the brakes on her growing up.  They want to assure she has a future that includes a good job & the ability to support any children. 

Perhaps talk to your own parents about what happened & then have a full family meeting between you, her & each of your parents to see if the adults are willing to set certain rules & restrictions about you two dating again.  I suspect any compromise will include lots & lots of supervision with you two have zero alone time to prevent temptation.  

In an oddly proud way, I never felt too tempted. It happened once and even now it’s not this “I miss her” for sexual reasons, but for the small conversations, the deep ones, and just everything in between. That said, I completely understand what your saying, as I still wouldn’t exempt myself from temptation. My mother (I do not live with my dad for personal grudge while my brother does) knows the situation and is rather upset with me, but has tried talking to her parents as they originally proposed, but then they backed off and provided excuses as to why they couldn’t meet suddenly. It’s feels awfully hopeless in a sense, but I just can’t properly describe how this girl, this relationship means so much to me like no other relationship has. How for me nearing the end of high school and the beginning of adult life, she’s someone I wanna step towards that future with as she originally fantasized. I’m sorry if I come off as stubborn or indifferent to any words of advice her. I am honestly appreciative and thinking about them

[d0nnivain]

You don't sound stubborn or indifferent.  You sound like a boy in love.  unfortunately as somebody old enough to be your mom I know you don't have the broad range or experience or the advantage of time to see that as intense as your relationship with her is, it probably will not be your only relationship.  Her parents know that too & in a futile way are trying to prevent her from experiencing greater heartache when you two inevitably break up after you graduate.  

[Daisydooks]

I think having an open dialogue here is wonderful! Please keep talking!!  Respond as you see fit. This is YOUR post. Let's keep the chat going. No harm in that. I just hope to highlight things maybe you're not thinking about and some things her parents may be thinking. If she is as amazing as you say/feel she is, this can work if you're willing to be patient. Her parents may even come around to the idea if you're patient and kind. 

 I dont discredit how you're feeling. At that age, my feelings were very strong and I couldn't see a life without my partner at that age. I adored him with every ounce of me and probably would have run away from home had she taken my phone. My mother forced me to be on birth control at that age bevause she didnt want to raise my children. I wasnt self sufficient and logically speaking, she would have been raising my child for me. These are things kids  just simply dont consider in the same light. 

Sending love and hugs. I know this is bogus and really rough for ya. I'm glad you found us here and have posted looking for advice. Thinking of you 

Right now, her mom and dad are only thinking of their baby and making sure they do what's best for her. They do not care whats on your mind and that's tough. 

Have you talked to your mom and dad? Can you speak to them?  

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Thatguy67 said:

it is legal and was consensual for both of us

clearly, her parents don't see it that way. You bespoiled their child--doesn't matter that is was consensual--they are never going to see you in a positive light for that.

Right now, the law is on their side--you'd be best advised to let this go and wait until she's no longer dependent upon her parents for survival. It's unrealistic to think she can just move in with someone else and you pick up where you left off.

I'd back off before her dad and his buddies roll up on you.

[Thatguy67]

1 minute ago, kendahke said:

clearly, her parents don't see it that way. You bespoiled their child--doesn't matter that is was consensual--they are never going to see you in a positive light for that.

Right now, the law is on their side--you'd be best advised to let this go and wait until she's no longer dependent upon her parents for survival. It's unrealistic to think she can just move in with someone else and you pick up where you left off.

I'd back off before her dad and his buddies roll up on you.

I’m aware of the unrealistic ideas I hold, but for me, holding on to that idea is a way of coping for me

[Thatguy67]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You don't sound stubborn or indifferent.  You sound like a boy in love.  unfortunately as somebody old enough to be your mom I know you don't have the broad range or experience or the advantage of time to see that as intense as your relationship with her is, it probably will not be your only relationship.  Her parents know that too & in a futile way are trying to prevent her from experiencing greater heartache when you two inevitably break up after you graduate.  

Thank you for the support. While I’m aware that my emotions are probably a little more extreme than they should be because of my age, I still can’t help but feel this way. I suppose insecurities lie in what she’s thinking. May I ask for a guess on that?

[kendahke]

5 minutes ago, Thatguy67 said:

I’m aware of the unrealistic ideas I hold, but for me, holding on to that idea is a way of coping for me

Fair play---just don't let that lead you into something you can't retrieve yourself from.

[Thatguy67]

6 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

I think having an open dialogue here is wonderful! Please keep talking!!  Respond as you see fit. This is YOUR post. Let's keep the chat going. No harm in that. I just hope to highlight things maybe you're not thinking about and some things her parents may be thinking. If she is as amazing as you say/feel she is, this can work if you're willing to be patient. Her parents may even come around to the idea if you're patient and kind. 

 I dont discredit how you're feeling. At that age, my feelings were very strong and I couldn't see a life without my partner at that age. I adored him with every ounce of me and probably would have run away from home had she taken my phone. My mother forced me to be on birth control at that age bevause she didnt want to raise my children. I wasnt self sufficient and logically speaking, she would have been raising my child for me. These are things kids  just simply dont consider in the same light. 

Sending love and hugs. I know this is bogus and really rough for ya. I'm glad you found us here and have posted looking for advice. Thinking of you 

Right now, her mom and dad are only thinking of their baby and making sure they do what's best for her. They do not care whats on your mind and that's tough. 

Have you talked to your mom and dad? Can you speak to them?  

Thank you for the support. I’m the type who worries about hassling others, but I suppose you’re on this site to help or be helped in a sense. I hope that through patience I can get through this in the way I’d like to, but I can’t help but worry because I’ve heard she’s been severely punished, and I worry if her home life is as constricting as it was for me when I lived with my dad (50/50 custody). There’s a lot of unknowns and that’s what gets me the most right now as someone who is constantly thinking. I just worry if my feelings for her are the same as her feelings for me. I’d assume so not only because of promises we made to each other (including the fact that we had sex) and because the last thing she told me before her parents stepped in was how she was so happy to call me her boyfriend. So high school-ish, right?😅 
Regardless, I just worry

[Thatguy67]

3 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Fair play---just don't let that lead you into something you can't retrieve yourself from.

I’ll keep that in mind. You’re right in the sense that if I continue like this, I’ll put myself in a bad place

[d0nnivain]

She loves you too but she doesn't want to defy her parents.  You can't ask her to.  That would be wrong.  

If the parents won't talk to you, try writing them a letter.  It needs to be typed.  It needs to be mailed.  It also needs to be short, well written & not rambling.  (multiple drafts; tight editing, in short the best essay you ever wrote) The point is to showcase your maturity in an effort to win their trust.  They already look at you as the horrible guy who defiled their daughter.  It's just how parents are.  You aren't horrible & you didn't defile anybody. She knew what she was doing as much as any 15 year old child knows anything.  But you want to put your best foot forward in the hopes of persuading you to remain in their daughter's life.  You must demonstrate that you won't ruin her life or cause a teen pregnancy or worse.  

[Thatguy67]

33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She loves you too but she doesn't want to defy her parents.  You can't ask her to.  That would be wrong.  

If the parents won't talk to you, try writing them a letter.  It needs to be typed.  It needs to be mailed.  It also needs to be short, well written & not rambling.  (multiple drafts; tight editing, in short the best essay you ever wrote) The point is to showcase your maturity in an effort to win their trust.  They already look at you as the horrible guy who defiled their daughter.  It's just how parents are.  You aren't horrible & you didn't defile anybody. She knew what she was doing as much as any 15 year old child knows anything.  But you want to put your best foot forward in the hopes of persuading you to remain in their daughter's life.  You must demonstrate that you won't ruin her life or cause a teen pregnancy or worse.  

I’ve actually been thinking about writing a letter to her and her parents respectively, but I keep shutting down when I go to start. I’ve thought up large portions, but somehow it’s difficult for me to face. Thinking about time I spent around her parents, ways I’d help around the house and other things makes me wonder what their reasoning really is. As a 17 year old, I can’t grasp it, but it’s reassuring for someone entirely outside of the situation to think through it the way I have, my mom, my friends, her friends, just a lot of people. I only wish now that I could crush my insecurities that her feelings may change, or that it could’ve been her decisions after all. Then again, her tears when she forcibly ended things and after didn’t seem fake to me or anyone else who saw. Remind me not to ramble like this in any letters I may write😅

 

Would typing it and then handwriting it mean more? I’m confident in the legibility of my writing

Edited January 31, 2020 by Thatguy67
Added information

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, Thatguy67 said:

Would typing it and then handwriting it mean more? I’m confident in the legibility of my writing

Maybe.  Sincerity is important.  Do not ramble.  Your 1st draft can ramble but then you have to edit & pare it all down.  Brevity is the soul of wit -- W. Shakespeare.  Less is more. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

9 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

 

Even if you're not 18 yet, statutory rape has to be on your radar here. 

She is a minor. You will be an adult and in the eyes of the law, and that is rape. You will always be older and in time, you will be an adult while she is a child, if it is not illegal now. Consent doesnt change rape in the eyes of the law. If it did, 13 year olds would be able to have sex with 27 year olds.  

That means jail time and it also means your name is going on the sex offender registry for the rest of your life. She isn't worth that. No man I know is with the girl he was with at 15-17. None of them. So why risk this? I know, you care for her now, but this isnt a lasting relationship when we look at stats. 

Since her parents are furious, respect that. Dont ruin your life for sex with a minor. They could very well take you to the cleaners on this if you pursue her and your entire life could be ruined.  

 

 

This is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of bounds.  

 

What court on the planet, even, let alone in the English-speaking world has strict laws against a 16yo with a 15yo sexually????

 

In my particular random setting, once the girl is sixteen she can have sex with anyone she wants, provided the person is not in a teaching or supervisory position, regardless of the age of the other person.  (seventy-two if it suits her!)

 

As this girl is going to be 16 before he reaches 18, there is zero chance on this planet that any "statutory rape" will apply in any way.

 

I have no idea how the OP is going to fare in this quest, but I am impressed that he is so well-presented here.

 

It's totally wrong to send him quaking in his boots based on false information or false reality.

 

 

PS - the best suggestion I would give to the OP is...  "the LAST thing you want to do at THIS moment is (rub the parents so far in the wrong way that you don't get a CHANCE later to be and SEEM the decent guy that their daughter deserves)".

 

There is no reason to go "all in" right now, thinking that you should have your 15/16yo cake during your last year of high school, at the expense of ever having a decent chance with her again.

 

It is too damn easy to step in with good intentions now, and make your play... and then have it escalate in the immediate term in a direction you'd not anticipated... and THEN, out of frustration, you REact in some way that simply ruins your future chances !!

(once you do something the parents can construe as really dumb, or really childish/offensive/counterproductive...  they will have ammunition to seemingly show her, with evidence YOU then provide, that you are not the right guy for her).

 

The fact that you ARE so well-represented here, and can articulate your underlying concerns without juvenile frustration, HINTS that you do have the self-discipline it might take to make a measured, small effort in the present, and be willing to back-off  if it doesn't work, awaiting a time when you can take another chance while still on reasonable terms.

 

I mean, heck, if a young adult musician could dare to go to his young adult bandmate's house and confront that bandmate's father, who was a judge, about luring the bandmate into dropping out of college and instead going on the road with the band, and somehow convince the guy...

 

well, stranger things have happened.

 

So don't give up.

 

I wonder how that judge looked back at that must've-been-something conversation decades later when his son was still playing with Tom Petty. 

 

You don't want to go all-or-nothing on ANYthing you do in the near future, with regard to the girl or her parents.  Save some 'good rep' for the future.

 

 

Edited February 1, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy