Update from lemondrop21. 2 MM's, reveal to BS's, job loss, breakdown

[lemondrop21]

Hi, I used to post here regularly in 2015–17. My primary thread was here:

Coming Out of the Affair Fog

I have a massive, crazy story to tell... it may well seem unbelievable at parts, but I assure you, it’s all very real. And serves as a big, BIG warning to OW/OM.

I’ll need to tell this story in parts over the coming days, as it will take time to write, so stay tuned.

Part I - MM2 Enters the Picture

My A with MM #1 (recounted in above thread) was a PA/EA, felt-like-romantic-love type, that began in April 2015. Push pull, push pull, the typical dynamic. We met at the office. He was 15 years older, married 20 years, 3 kids who he loved to death, marriage on the rocks (I do think this was true, as I know they had marriage counseling and he later had IC).

Two and a half years passed, in the off and on A. During that time, I singlehandedly dealt with my mom’s cancer and death, traveling back and forth between [work country] and [home country] five times in six months. MM could do nothing for me during that time. Things were VERY difficult - but as difficult as it was then, little did I know that it would get so much worse.

At the beginning of Dec 2017, after increasingly serious discussions, I told him not to leave his w for me, because I didn’t want him to always resent me for it and it had become clear that he would. We then attempted to carry the relationship on for the next month, hopelessly addicted, until things came to a harsh ending at the beginning of January 2018. He had promised to have a “Christmas” with me and then proceeded to have a guilt-induced meltdown.

“If there’s no future in this, then what are we doing? What am I doing to my kids?” he asked. I agreed - he was entirely right. We went NC.

My depression became brutal; I was sleeping 10 hour nights, needing a nap at lunch, and then another 2 hour nap after work. I was ALWAYS tired. I had recently switched jobs and departments within the same organization, which meant I was working in a different building away from MM, and could go weeks without seeing him. I loved my new job and really wanted to do well, but feared the fatigue might cause me to lose my job if I couldn’t find a way out of it.

At that point, I didn’t recognize the fatigue as depression-related, because I have a sleep disorder called narcolepsy, and thought the fatigue was just worsening narcolepsy... even though narcolepsy is characterized by brief, refreshing naps, not the heavy two to three hour naps I was taking. I don’t know what I was thinking. I could barely think, I was so tired all the time. 

I started doing research online: which narcolepsy medications could I get from [home country] that I hadn’t tried before? And what could help in the meantime, before my next trip to [home country]?

Cue MM2.

MM2 was a work colleague who, I had heard through the grapevine, had access to various natural supplements (we were in a remote area of a developing country, so these things aren’t straightforward to obtain). I stopped by MM2’s office to ask whether I could obtain some supplements from him, and suddenly my whole narcolepsy story was tumbling out.

I don’t normally talk to people about narcolepsy, and he was kind, and listened, and wanted to help. He invited me over for dinner that evening to pick up the supplements.

Little did I know that this would be the precursor to my involvement with a partly-separated-ish man, who also had a longstanding casual OW. Yes, against everything you would have thought I had learned from round 1, he would go on to briefly become my MM2, and I would go on to become his OW2.

Don’t worry, kids... I blew the whole thing up, spectacularly. Stay tuned for more.

 

 

 

 

[lemondrop21]

Part 2 - Involvement with MM2 escalates - Feb 2018
 

At MM2's house during our first dinner together, I grilled him on his marital status. He noted that his wife had never lived in [work country] with him, and claimed that they were separated, although she had visited him there several times.

This was a not-entirely-unusual arrangement in [work country where I was at the time]. Not every spouse wants to move abroad with their partner - especially if the relationship is rocky. Sometimes they use the time as a "trial separation" of sorts - whether acknowledged or not.

Unfortunately, for single women in these sorts of expat communities, this can make life a tricky. When you meet a new man, you're relying on his account of his marital status, and have little way of verifying whether he is truly single, truly separated, or truly divorced. I've seen all sorts of scenarios, with accompanying fallout.

I asked MM2 if he thought that him and his wife could reconcile. "Well, maybe a long time in the future... never say never. But probably not," was his response. I raised an eyebrow, glancing at the photo on the sideboard - him and his wife together as he was receiving an award.

Somewhat boldly, out of curiosity, I asked whether he had ever cheated on her during the marriage. He told me he had had a number of one-night stands over the years while traveling for business, and one affair during the time that they lived together in [home country], which she had "probably known about" but which had never been acknowledged.

Alcohol was consumed, and the night wore on. I told him the story of my affair with MM1 and how messy, terrible, and heartbreaking it had been. I told him how I was still consumed with guilt for MM1's wife and children; regret over my wasted time; and grief from the breakup despite knowing that the breakup had been for the best. I told him about my mom's illness and death, and my worsening depression from all of the stress and loss of the past year. 

With respect to his story, I told him that he should make up his mind one way or the other, and likely should allow his wife to move on, date others etc. It seemed like a monogamous marriage was not for him, based on his serial cheating (a different pattern from MM1, who had only had one affair, to the best of my knowledge). "Why not date casually and openly, with others who want the same?" I asked MM2. "That IS a lifestyle choice that is possible, while remaining honest and not hurting others."

Although his serial cheating made him sound like an a**hole, MM2's mannerisms were a self-effacing and kind, and he was willing to openly engage with dialogue with me about marriage, cheating, commitment, and so on, over a number of hours. It was kind of like a real-life LS thread. I didn't admire his actions at all, but I was intrigued by his honestly opening up to me about his past transgressions. I remember thinking that I would try and remain detached and neutral, treating this as a real-life interview with a serial cheater.

And MM2 was highly intelligent - more so than MM1. I found myself able to converse with MM2 on a deeper intellectual level than I'd ever been able to with MM1. He recognized my intelligence, too, and the conversation went back and forth easily. I hated to admit it, but I was enjoying myself immensely. MM2 had cooked me dinner, set the table properly, and seemed to enjoy my company and to take a keen interest in all I had to say. It felt like a really good date, and better than anything I'd ever had with MM1. Hell, MM1 had never cooked me dinner; it was always just takeout, on the rare occasions that we ate together.

MM2 invited me upstairs to see some art work he had in his house, and I warily, but drunkenly, agreed. Peering into the guest bedroom, I saw it set up with twin beds that had clearly, at some point, accommodated a visit from his two daughters (late teens and early twenties). I grimaced, wondering whether any of them knew that MM2 considered him and his wife "separated."

Then he suddenly hugged me. I allowed it for a brief moment, and then pulled away. "Absolutely not," I said. "I'm not going there again. Too much heartbreak. I'm only interested in single or fully-divorced men."

I left the house, bursting into tears as I walked down the drive. There had been an undeniable spark there, over dinner - and I hated that. I hated that I once again, quite unexpectedly, felt attracted to another man with "complications." I knew that my loneliness, depression and missing MM1 were surely contributing. And I hated that, once again, while I could control my head, and my actions, and recognized that any further involvement with MM2 was a probable minefield... I felt unable to entirely control my heart.

--

I asked around about MM2 - what was the story behind his separation? I heard that his wife had indeed not visited in quite awhile, though no one really knew any confirmed details of their marital status.

I also heard that he was quietly seeing one of his staff members.

MM2 invited me for dinner again a couple of nights later, and I confronted him about this. He admitted that he was, indeed, seeing this staff member - casually, he said, and had been doing so for several years. "But lately, it seems like she might be wanting more from our relationship," he said. "I don't really know. We haven't talked about it, but there seems to have been a shift. So, I do want you to know that I am only available for something casual with you, because of this."

He proceeded to tell me that his OW was someone he had met in [home country] years ago. She apparently had "climbed on top of him, drunk, at a party." I rolled my eyes. Despite my prior involvement with MM1 (who pursued me hard) and my rapidly developing feelings for MM2, I felt unable to fully understand women who deliberately pursue men who they know to be attached, to the point of climbing on top of one at a party.

This was an OW of a different stripe... or was it? There I was, I mused, sitting there having dinner again with MM2., against my better judgment. We would remain as friends, I reasoned. I would never be so stupid again.

MM2 told me that after he moved to [work country], he and OW remained in touch off and on, and he eventually invited her to come and work for him in [work country]. I stared at him. "You do realize that that's a massive conflict of interest... a fire-able offense?" I asked him.

"Why?"

"Because of the power imbalance. Romantic involvements with a direct report mean that she won't feel free to perform her job as normal. What if she wants to stop seeing you, and you start acting hostile towards her as a result - or threaten her employment?"

"Oh, I never thought of that," was his response. "Interesting point."

--

More dinners together included conversation on every topic under the sun. We seemed to get on like a house on fire. Texting was frequent throughout the day, and was a welcomed distraction from my grief over MM1. I felt slightly more energized, which I attributed to the supplements that MM2 provided.

Within a couple of weeks, things escalated physically, after one of these alcohol-fueled dinners. Not sex, but almost-sex.

I left the house sobbing, horrified with myself, vowing "never again." Gulping down wine, I texted MM2, telling him that this would not continue unless he spoke to his OW and she agreed that they were in an open or casual arrangement, with an expectation of seeing other people. I wanted her to know about me and to be okay with it; and even then, I said, I would remain wary and detached from the situation, due to his separated-but-not-divorced status.

"This would be a temporary thing for me," I said. "I would keep dating others, and once I found someone to be exclusive with, I would leave this 'open relationship' situation."

MM2 agreed to speak with OW1 in the coming weeks, convincing me (and maybe himself) that she might genuinely be okay with an open relationship - fairly uninhibited and free-spirited as she was. I smirked. That was probably an act, I thought. A defense mechanism. Classic OW front, hiding a deeply wounded individual.

To be continued.

Edited February 1, 2020 by lemondrop21
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[BourneWicked]

Oh wow LemonDrop. I'm sure I can imagine where this goes... looking forward to reading more (from a romance novel, not the disaster I'm guessing hit your life, perspective). 

I'll say I had a brief encounter with an "MM2" in a group setting... in a weird way, I was glad for the experience with MM1. Because MM2 was better looking, better shape, and I'm sure just as charming. (I like to think not as witty as MM1 I'm sure but I knew enough to stay far, far away this time). Anyway, this guy basically stalked me with his eyes while his wife was there... I wish I'd had the opportunity to see MM1 and his doting wife in the same room, while he eye f@#$ed me... it could have made all the difference. 

Anyway sorry you didn't have the "been there, done that" reaction I did, but curious where this takes you. I'm guessing further down the rabbithole.

I'm talking about myself here really, but are you sure you aren't addicted to danger? The highs? "This is dumb and I shouldn't sooo... I'm going to push it to see how far it will take me." 

My SO and I have moved into an open relationship, but it's not something I plan on acting on until I sort myself out. Because I could see myself chasing the next high pretty hard in scenarios like you describe. 

Thanks for updating! Take care. 

[spiritedaway2003]

I wasn't here when you posted in your old thread, but I could relate to some of the things you posted back then.

Periodically, I wonder what happened to the OP.   It sounds like you have gone through quite a whirlwind of experience.

Looking forward to reading the rest of your updates!

[heartwhole2]

Hi Lemon, I remember your story. Hope you have come out the other side of this with peace.

[SolG]

Welcome back Lemon! 

[hajk]

Lemondrop, I remember your story and was wondering how you have been.  I hope you are doing okay.  Take care!

Edited February 20, 2020 by hajk