My girlfriend totally disrespected me, ditched me outside a bar and went in with another guy

[Looking4Answers101]

Worst relationship experience in my life.  My g/f  [f 24] and I [m28] have been dating about 4 months.  Things were really good up until an incident happened a few weeks ago.  We had just got back from traveling on vacation and met up with her roommates (all female) at a bar.  After a couple of drinks there, one of the roommates said there were some friends of hers from work at another bar that she was going to meet up with and we all decided to go.

We get to the next bar and my g/f seems a bit distant . . . sort of walks away from me.  The friends of the roommate turned out to be 3 guys that she casually knew from work.  Neither my g/f nor I knew them.  Yet, my g/f seems to surround herself with these guys, talking it up, and I’m feeling like the odd man out.  I was getting a bit irritated at that point.

Next thing I know is that the 3 guys all want to go to yet another bar.  My g/f is all for going with them and she never even tells me that they are going.  They all start to leave, one of her roommates tells me where everyone is going.  Now I’m really getting pissed and don’t understand why my g/f is acting this way.  I can tell that she is pretty drunk at this point.

At the next bar there is a bouncer at the door only letting in a few people in at a time.  As the group of us approaches, my g/f goes up to the front of the line with one of the 3 guys !!!  (WTF !!!).  I‘m further back in the line with her roommates.  The bouncer says that only 2 can go in right now.  My g/f and this guy go in together . . . she never looks back!!!  Now I’m furious!!! I've never been so angry and upset with anyone in my life.  Her roommates immediately know it and don’t really know what to say.

A myriad of thoughts are racing through my mind.  Was my g/f dumping me in the cruelest possible way?  I was just dumfounded.  Well the bouncer continued to let people in, and what seemed like an eternity (10-15 minutes probably), the rest of us are in the bar.  I see my g/f up front at a table talking with the guys and her roommates.  I just walk past . . .

I had to pee really bad and headed to the bathroom.  There was a line there too (facepalm).  As I’m waiting to use the single bathroom, the guy my g/f was ‘getting to know’, comes over to me and says “there is nothing to be upset about”.  I tell him don’t even try to explain and get the hell away from me.

After the bathroom, I go get a beer and sit in another corner of the bar away from them all.  Fuming mad . . . absolutely fuming.  After a few minutes my g/f comes over and says “there is nothing to be upset about” . . .  well that sounds familiar, having heard that from the guy a few minutes ago.  Now I’m beyond furious.   I ask her how things are going with her new boyfriend?  The argument ensues . . .  She insists that she has done nothing of the sort and that I’m overreacting.  I start screaming at her !!!  I told her she was doing it on purpose and totally disrespecting me, humiliating me, and I did not deserve to be treated like that by anyone!!!

She said that we should leave then . . .  We grabbed an Uber and fought on the way home.  My car happened to be at her apartment, and I wasn’t in a condition to be driving.  She was far more drunk than me though.  Back at her apartment, she continued to insist that I was overreacting, and I continued to shout her down, pointing out exactly what she had done. 

Then finally, she comes back with that I had rubbed a prior relationship in her face when we were on vacation.  WHAT ???  I did no such thing.  (We did meet up with a group of my friends which included a former girlfriend, but I was up front about it and told my g/f ahead of time - the ex-g/f and I had dated for just a couple of months about years ago).  Anyway, I did not believe her at all, because she would have brought it up at the beginning of the argument back at the bar.   Plus . . .if that was really the issue, then a few stern words before/after we met up with my friends would have done the trick as far as I was concerned.  As she is trying to lay this rationale for her behavior on me, I became even more horrified with the thought of this is how she reacts if I do something wrong?  Holy Sh-t!!!  What have I gotten myself into ???

We basically pass out from exhaustion, but I barely got any sleep.  Stayed up most of the night thinking about what I should do.  I wanted out.   4 months of a relationship was not a huge time investment, and I thought that maybe I should just move on.  I had a bunch of stuff at her apartment and I got up early the next morning and started gathering my stuff up, figuring I could get out before she woke. 

She woke up though and came toward me with a real sorrowful look on her face, saying that she was sorry.  I just lost it and burst into tears.  I had no idea what came over me, but the hurt was unbearable.  I ended up sobbing uncontrollably for about ½ and hour.  She kept saying how sorry she was.  I think it scared her that she could do something that had such an effect on a man.  Men aren’t supposed to cry (right?) and I felt embarrassed about it.  I kept telling her how horrible I felt and I did not know what to do.  Anyway, I left, but I agreed to let her come over to my place later on and we would talk some more (I had stopped screaming by then so we could probably talk).

Later that day, she really didn’t have much of an explanation for what she had done, didn’t remember much of that night, and only said that she realized that she needs to be more mature. . . really, do ya think?  She just kept apologizing over and over.  Her roommates also talked to her that day and told her behavior that night was “horrible” and were surprised that I was even speaking to her.

Well, she basically used a lot of sex over the next few days to try to keep me from leaving her.  I was mad at myself for letting her do that, but I was an emotional wreck, I can’t even say I was thinking straight at that point. 

My g/f and I talked it through a bit, and I told her that if anything even remotely similar happens again and I feel disrespected, then I’m done and ‘we’ are done.  She had just used her ‘get out of jail card’.

It has been a couple of weeks since the incident, and I still feel emotionally wounded, like there is a big hole in my heart.  My g/f can tell because she keeps asking if I am “OK”.  I reluctantly say yes, because it looks like I have forgiven her.  Even so, I’m just not sure.  We tend to go out to bars with friends a lot and I wonder if there is something inside of her waiting to come out once she has had enough to drink?  I’ve been both on the giving and receiving end of a lot of crap during relationships, but I ain’t never experienced anything like this.

I also question my own handling of the incident, because I felt weak and wished I had been stronger.  Maybe I should have broken up with her . . . not that we wouldn’t have gotten back together, but I feel like I could have been stronger and less vulnerable.

I’m still very confused and looking for answers.

Thoughts?

Edited February 1, 2020 by Looking4Answers101

[Piddy]

She sounds immature.  You've given her another chance so see how it goes.  She knows now that any future behavior like that and you're gone.  If she doesn't want to lose you she'll smarten up and be more mature.  Time will tell. 

I think you reacted normal.  She should feel fortunate that you're giving her another chance.  Hopefully she takes advantage of that and learns from her mistake.

Edited February 1, 2020 by Piddy

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, Looking4Answers101 said:

Then finally, she comes back with that I had rubbed a prior relationship in her face when we were on vacation.  WHAT ???  I did no such thing.  (We did meet up with a group of my friends which included a former girlfriend, but I was up front about it and told my g/f ahead of time - the ex-g/f an I had dated for just a couple of months a couple of year ago).  Anyway, I did not believe her at all, because she would have brought it up at the beginning of the argument back at the bar.   Plus . . .if that was really the issue, then a few stern words before/after we met up with my friends would have done the trick as far as I was concerned. 

I wouldn't discount this. This is probably exactly what happened.
She stored up the anger/hurt/humiliation and then saw a way to punish you and make you feel as bad as she did when she was placed in an uncomfortable position with your ex.
It probably ruined her holiday.
it was "nothing" to you but I guess it was a big deal to her.
Of course she went overboard but jealous/territorial/upset/drunk people often do exactly that..

[d0nnivain]

She was drunk & stewing about your ex GF from the vacation.  In her intoxicated mind this was payback. 

Your relationship is new.  Maybe this was an aberration but if this is how she solves problems, I don't see you two lasting long

[Looking4Answers101]

59 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I wouldn't discount this. This is probably exactly what happened.
She stored up the anger/hurt/humiliation and then saw a way to punish you and make you feel as bad as she did when she was placed in an uncomfortable position with your ex.
It probably ruined her holiday.
it was "nothing" to you but I guess it was a big deal to her.
Of course she went overboard but jealous/territorial/upset/drunk people often do exactly that..

You might be right.

I felt uncomfortable about the whole meeting up with the friend group thing while on vacation, but I had told them we would be out there, soI didn't want to just blow them off. I  also told the ex that I have a g/f ahead of time, and told my g/f likewise, so that there would be no surprises.  The ex even had another b/f's since.

When we met up, there was no flirting or any monkey business, so I thought everything was cool.  Perhaps it was not. . .

[schlumpy]

I was very surprised you waited to go into the bar and look for her. I expected you to shrug your shoulders and call it a night. Instead you allowed her to disrespect you in front of her friends.

What you did that night set a new standard for your relationship where you handed the power over to her. It's no longer a relationship of equals.

Expect more of the same in the future now that she's learned you will tolerate it.  

[preraph]

She "barely remembers it," but she remembers that she supposedly did it because of your old gf being around.  I mean, I could see it depending on what was going on with you and the old gf, like if you talked privately or there was any physical contact.  I could see retaliating in that way.  Not saying that is the solution, but I could see that happening.  Sometimes an eye for an eye to make someone realize what they did is one way to get through to them.  

 

The fact her friends also told her she behaved badly, though, is very telling, and now I'm wondering if she just has a drinking problem or if she IS restless in the relationship.  She's not bipolar or something like that, is she?  Do you feel she handles alcohol well in general?  

 

I think what you told her about "never again" is about all you CAN do, and I do believe you mean it.  It was bad behavior, regardless of what started it.  But do tell us how much interaction you had with the ex-gf that set her off.

[5x5]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

I was very surprised you waited to go into the bar and look for her. I expected you to shrug your shoulders and call it a night. Instead you allowed her to disrespect you in front of her friends.

Yeah I don't get it either. If I were in @Looking4Answers101's place I would have immediately decided I was done with her, and made my own way elsewhere. Although I've always accepted that sexual/romantic partners are free to do as they please, I have never had a problem immediately dumping anyone when I haven't  liked their choices or behaviour.

Edited February 1, 2020 by 5x5

[elaine567]

If my supposed "boyfriend" was off chatting up 3 girls and went into a nightclub with one of them leaving me outside, I would not have stuck around for even a minute... 
 

[Interstellar]

When she disrespected you by leaving with another guy, right then and there you should’ve left. Walk away and bail.

Leave, that’s what Robert DeNiro, Steve McQueen, etc....would’ve done.  Those guys are cool. And then wait until you have a cooler head, disappear for 2 weeks, go no contact. You’re in the Witness Protection Program at this point, nobody knows where you are. No internet, no phone, - you block her number for two weeks, not her or her friends know where you are. Nobody knows where you are. You go off the grid completely. Then after the two weeks, you’re a lot calmer at that point and can think rationally you can then let her see you accidentally. Don’t reach out to her. She just happens to see you at some store or whatever. Then you tell her how extremely disappointed you are, etc...etc...and if you do the same to her she will be angry also. She has to start earning your trust again SLOWLY, you never should’ve slept with her. This is about self-control my friend. Don’t touch her, be cordial with her. Be respectful but No romance and No affection. She has to earn your trust again. But at this point also, you’re gonna start collecting new numbers because she’s out anyway. She’s disloyal. You’re just letting the resentment keep building up further and further so that when you leave, you leave at negative 5 interest level. The thing is guys leave when their interest level is still high which is a mistake, then a few months later they end up taking the woman back. Leave her when your resentment has truly built up to the point that you’d rather swallow razor blades than be with her even if she’s the last woman on the planet.

“Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” 

Edited February 1, 2020 by Interstellar

[preraph]

48 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If my supposed "boyfriend" was off chatting up 3 girls and went into a nightclub with one of them leaving me outside, I would not have stuck around for even a minute... 
 

When young, I would have either marked my territory and busted it up or I'd have retaliated right then and talked to another guy.  Not saying I was the most mature person nor one with long secure relationships!  

[5x5]

10 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

She has to earn your trust again.

What on earth for?

If someone does crap like that to you and you sensibly dump them, it's pretty dysfunctional to start playing ridiculous games and then to try and start again with them.

Honestly if someone f***s you over, the healthy response is to let them go and not waste anymore time on them.

[Interstellar]

6 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

What on earth for?

If someone does crap like that to you and you sensibly dump them, it's pretty dysfunctional to start playing ridiculous games and then to try and start again with them.

Honestly if someone f***s you over, the healthy response is to let them go and not waste anymore time on them.

Sure of course if you’re strong (and you have to learn to be mentally strong so you become resilient) that’s what I would recommend too, but most guys are weak and leave when their interest level is still high and they end up taking the girl back a few months later and worst, have kids with her.

 

Edited February 1, 2020 by Interstellar

[5x5]

7 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

Sure of course if you’re strong (and you have to learn to be mentally strong so you become resilient) that’s what I would recommend too

One doesn't have to be strong or anything else, to not tolerate crap from people.

[Interstellar]

6 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

One doesn't have to be strong or anything else, to not tolerate crap from people.

Hahahahaha, when you’re dealing with a beautiful woman...you better be strong.

[schlumpy]

40 minutes ago, preraph said:

When young, I would have either marked my territory and busted it up or I'd have retaliated right then and talked to another guy.  Not saying I was the most mature person nor one with long secure relationships!  

No way Preraph. I'm sure you were the most level headed and sensible woman in the room. 🙂

 

[preraph]

^ My past bfs would beg to differ!

[5x5]

44 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

Hahahahaha, when you’re dealing with a beautiful woman...you better be strong.

I've been with plenty of them, all the same they're just people like anyone else. 

[Looking4Answers101]

Thanks for the comments and banter.  I tend to agree with the comments about jealousy revenge being the underlying motivation for my g/f’s behavior.

I had thought about just leaving that night and not waiting to go into the bar, but obviously I didn’t.  That may have been the stronger thing to do, but it is easy for others not in the moment to say what you would have done.  The point is mute though.  Any reoccurrence is a walk-away.

For some - re-read my comments about meeting up with my friend group that included my ex- g/f.   No flirting, or private conversations or anything.  Perhaps the mere meeting up with an ex was too much for my g/f - who knows.

What concerns me is that my g/f apparently chose to play the jealousy revenge game to an extent that damaged our relationship more that she would have intended or imagined.  I think that is why she has not pointed the finger at me since she did the night of the incident and has since given herself all of the blame.  Hopefully she has learned something about herself - time will tell.

Some of the responses have helped me gain clarity over what happened, and I feel better about moving forward.  I will be wearing my ‘walking’ shoes when we go out to bars and socialize.

 

 

Edited February 2, 2020 by Looking4Answers101

[preraph]

Seeing one of your ex-girlfriends is way more threatening and serious than her thinking some guy who works out that she just sees around and isn't involved with is buff. So yeah, seeing the ex is way more offencive.

[mark clemson]

Since you've already let her f*** her way into keeping you, I'd say fool me once shame on you, fool me TWICE shame on me.

That said, if you really think she's likely to do this again, just bail now and be done with her.

At least you let her know she can't get away with it. Some guys would be begging her to stay. Be very glad you didn't.

This was, in part, the sh*t test mentioned in the red pill stuff I think. I'd say you passed with a C. You did pass though.

[preraph]

Correction on my post above Mark's. Sorry.

 I combined two different threads so it makes zero sense what I wrote. Except the part about seeing the ex-girlfriend is more threatening than some random guys. 

[mark clemson]

Just thought I'd add - this GF sounds very manipulative. Clearly you like her, hence the crying at the thought of break up as well as the hurt of her (partial, implied) betrayal.

However, IF she continues to show signs of being manipulative generally (such as going hot/cold on you, which affects your emotions) you may want to steel yourself and just walk. Some women (and men) are quite capable of turning partners into emotional wrecks and even do so regularly (either deliberately or sometimes unconsciously). If it starts to feel like that with this one, just grab the bull by the horns and end it. If you tried to make it work with a person like that, you'd just get hurt in the end anyhow, just with even more time invested.

So if you see any more signs of baloney, suggest you play it smart.

Edited February 2, 2020 by mark clemson

[Redhead14]

You've only been dating this girl for 4 months.  Dating is a process of evaluation and revelation.  She's revealed her immature, passive-aggressive/manipulative mentality.  Is this how you want to be dealt with when things come up between you and she doesn't want to talk like a grown up when things are bothering her???  You have a choice -- put up with a lot of drama and bs for maybe 20 seconds of bliss with a girl on a regular basis (not counting the lead up) or have adult conversations when necessary and have a mature, quality relationship in between with a more mature, young, adult woman.

You can do better than this.  I think you should walk away and tell her that you're doing it because she rubbed your past relationship in your face . . .

 

 

 

 

Edited February 2, 2020 by Redhead14

[Looking4Answers101]

I know some of you are 'disappointed' (shall we say) that I did not do the total alpha male thing, and I get that.  I'm not a super alpha male by any means, and certainly not a man-bitch either.  I also think merely walking away would have had its own set of ramifications.  That night, I knew her actions were directed at me and I wanted to give her a piece of my mind, which I did.  She is less mature than I; seemingly acting as if she were still in college where this sort of sh*t happens on a regular basis (BTDT).   I hang out in bars a fair amount, it is what I do.  Maybe it is too much for her, and she can't pace herself with the alcohol and stay 'in control'. . . I don't know.  (I'm not into the night club thing though - too much of a meat market to me).

This thread has made me think more about the ex-gf issue, and I now realize that I was not giving my g/f's feelings enough consideration.  In hindsight, meeting up with the friend group while on vacation was a bad idea, and I should have done something different.  So, I own that.

My g/f owns her 10X level of retaliation.  She tends to act out rather than speak out, a bit stubborn, and likes to be right.  She balances those things out with some very nice qualities though.  She knows that she needs to be more mature (those were her words), and I totally agree.  We will just have to see how things go, there should be plenty of opportunities.

Edited February 2, 2020 by Looking4Answers101