My girlfriend totally disrespected me, ditched me outside a bar and went in with another guy

[schlumpy]

Walking away is not necessarily being Alpha. Your GF put you in a power situation. She let you know that you don't own her and that the only claim you have on her is one she recognizes. Your choice that night was to agree with her and follow her around or let her know that you have other options. You taught her through your actions that she could stretch the boundaries of the relationship with the only consequences being angry words. You have to restore the power level to equal or the lack of respect she so easily demonstrated for you will grow until it ends the relationship. This isn't alpha stuff - it's just human nature.

[Marc878]

Dating is a try out. You just walk away.

 

[preraph]

Good luck going forward.  It's good that you aired your feelings and you two talked about it.  She is still pretty young. 

[Caauug]

 

On 2/1/2020 at 8:47 PM, elaine567 said:

I wouldn't discount this. This is probably exactly what happened.
She stored up the anger/hurt/humiliation and then saw a way to punish you and make you feel as bad as she did when she was placed in an uncomfortable position with your ex.
It probably ruined her holiday.
it was "nothing" to you but I guess it was a big deal to her.
Of course she went overboard but jealous/territorial/upset/drunk people often do exactly that..

I tend to agree here.... If you have no kids with a former partner there is NO reason to introduce a GF/wife/lover to former partners/GF etc. Goes along the same lines as number counts, just don't go there!!!

19 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Since you've already let her f*** her way into keeping you, I'd say fool me once shame on you, fool me TWICE shame on me.

That said, if you really think she's likely to do this again, just bail now and be done with her.

At least you let her know she can't get away with it. Some guys would be begging her to stay. Be very glad you didn't.

This was, in part, the sh*t test mentioned in the red pill stuff I think. I'd say you passed with a C. You did pass though.

Thanks Mark.

This was a sh*t test, and likely had a lot to do with you introducing your exGF in Elaine's quote. 

If you don't know about Red Pill and sh*t tests etc. have a read. Explains a lot of the way human nature is, for both males and females. Some of it is way out in right field so be careful, as with any train of thought some people can take it too far.

On 2/1/2020 at 7:25 PM, Looking4Answers101 said:

At the next bar there is a bouncer at the door only letting in a few people in at a time.  As the group of us approaches, my g/f goes up to the front of the line with one of the 3 guys !!!  (WTF !!!).  I‘m further back in the line with her roommates.  The bouncer says that only 2 can go in right now.  My g/f and this guy go in together . . . she never looks back!!!  Now I’m furious!!! I've never been so angry and upset with anyone in my life.  Her roommates immediately know it and don’t really know what to say.

A myriad of thoughts are racing through my mind.  Was my g/f dumping me in the cruelest possible way?  I was just dumfounded.  Well the bouncer continued to let people in, and what seemed like an eternity (10-15 minutes probably), the rest of us are in the bar.  I see my g/f up front at a table talking with the guys and her roommates.  I just walk past . . .

I’m still very confused and looking for answers.

Thoughts?

These actions have female "Hypergamy" all over it also. If you look that one up, look for the broader meaning of the term. Her love and affection is (roughly) based on this.

If you had walked away with the sh*t test that night she could have been chatting up one of the guys for your replacement, well she likely was anyway. You stayed and had it out so cut her off shorter with him that it could have gone.

She was threatened by your ExGF, as you met up with her. Life is not fair, millions of years of evolution tells her she must seek for the best mate for her, but she will tell you to never look elsewhere!!!!!

Be it right or wrong you can not fight it, you have to work with it. As with her, if she is not a good match for you, time to move on to someone else.

There will be fellow posters say I am full of "Crap", I challenge you to explain it another way???

[JS84]

It's not about being an alpha it's about self respect and common sense. I'm amazed in some of these threads the amount of s*** people will put up with from partners they've only been dating a few months. And then stick around for even more. 

That girl basically shoved a red flag up your ass without even having to look in your direction. The reason you still don't feel at ease after all the manipulative sex and heart to hearts is because that red flag is still firmly lodged in your ass. It's not going to go away. If she's pulling s*** like this 4 months in, that's not a great sign for the future. 

She disresptected and humiliated you in front of her friends. According to you, even they couldn't believe you'd bother talking to her. So ya I can imagine it's going to be awkward around them, for awhile at least, as well. They'll also know how much she can get away with while still keeping you around. So you'll lose respect with them too. And maybe you don't care what they think about you but your GF will.

I've always considered dating to be like an audition. Your girlfriend failed hers spectacularly. If you want to give her another chance it's up to you. But in your next relationships if something like this happens again, please learn from this experience and just end things.

 

Just wanted to add there's a big difference between s*** testing your boyfriend and humiliating him in public and in front of your friends. This was clearly the latter.

And not trying to beat you with 2x4s but please no more breaking down in tears like that in front of your girl unless someone died. 

Edited February 3, 2020 by JS84

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, JS84 said:

Just wanted to add there's a big difference between s*** testing your boyfriend and humiliating him in public and in front of your friends. This was clearly the latter.

 

Hmm. I'm not well versed in red pill stuff or anything, but I do think you are right this is not a standard "flirty" s*** test.

Is there a word for this sort of very souped up version when a girl deliberately totally disrespects you and does things that piss you off and might end the relationship? It seems somewhat parallel to s*** tests but amped up to the point of being brinkmanship with the relationship.

Wondering if the red pill types have this sort of thing catalogued too?

[DKT3]

People who are not equipped to maturely navigate healthy relationships often fall into playing games.  

But, there is another very real possibility,  she was actually really attracted to this guy and simply used the ex meet up as an excuse to explore this guy a bit.

Keep your eyes open as long as you date her, if it's the latter she will repeat this, maybe she is a little smarter about how she goes about it. 

Dont ignore red flags. People who are unfaithful don't start being unfaithful overnight it's a process or a way of life.

[JS84]

I think it was just blatant disrespect. Disrespect so bad even one of the male co-workers of her friends felt the need to say something.

As far as OP's ex-girlfriend goes, if his current GF was having issues regarding the whole thing there were plenty of more mature ways she could have gone about handling it. Instead she did what she did. 

 

Edited February 3, 2020 by JS84

[2BGoodAgain]

couple of things...

1) There prob was an underlying issue with your ex gf, but ur gf kept it at a minimum...not exactly sure if that's why she acted that way... might have been just an excuse, tbh, to excuse her lack of sensitivity... who knows...

2) you DID over react and your reaction should be something you look into. I mean, yeah, what she did was kinda messed up, but not a huge big deal considering nothing happened, but your reaction was WAY overboard for any mistake she might have made.

3) that's a huge turn off to girls, btw... insecurity.. and your actions has a huge insecurity sign over your head... im' not suggesting you lie and pretend you aren't insecure, but you should prob get a therapist and find out why you are so... insecure. It's one thing to be annoyed with her behavior and have a talk about it, moving forward... but your reaction was bigger than the situation called for.

so yeah, she may have made a mistake, but your reaction was really extreme....

 

 

[sothereiwas]

IMO she needs to be the next ex-gf, but that's just me. 

[Grathblagg]

Loyalty, respect, and honesty are important. Manipulation in order to achieve an emotional response? Immature, dishonest, and disrespectful. If she had an issue with a previous situation, she should have addressed it with honesty, openness and respect. Instead, she ambushed you and played games with your heart. 

A few more months from now, you'll probably wonder why you invested so much when you could have cut your losses. Perhaps you see it as a high risk/high reward thing. Or maybe you're the desperate gambler. Good luck with that.

Nobody is perfect, but using other men to manipulate you? That's beyond the pale. That earns her a one-way ticket to ex-Girlfriendville. 

The whole crying thing... Don't do it again. It lowers your value, not just to her, but to everyone she talks to. Perhaps if you were in a 4 year relationship, but 4 months? This was the evaluation stage of a relationship, where you find compatibility or lack thereof, not where you weep over someone you barely know. Respect yourself or nobody else will. 

 

Edited February 4, 2020 by Grathblagg

[usa1ah]

I would have found another place to go if my gf did what yours did. Could have given her a peace of your mind the next day. 
 

All in all you handled it great. Best of luck.

The hurt feelings are normal with what she had done. Should take some time to be 100% again. Don’t sweat it.  

[smackie9]

This is maybe one headache you had to deal with...many more to come.

[Harry Korsnes]

Hmmm!

Whats the song called ?

We are young 😊

 

[Fletch Lives]

It's a group, a party, not like a one-on-one romantic date. She is supposed to mingle. But you act like she was making out with the guy at the bar. Why do you feel the need to have a leash on her like she's a dumb dog?! Do you need to be joined at the hip 24/7? Are you that insecure?

And the guy and your girlfriend told you there was nothing to be upset about - and they were right. It's not like he was humping her leg. They were just talking in a group, a party at a bar. What did you think she was going to do, have an orgy in the bar?!

I don't care what kind of group party it is - bar hopping or house parties.....heck, when I went to house parties with my girlfriend, most of the time I never saw her for hours and had no idea where she was. Sometimes we were even at different locations! I was enjoying being sociable with other people, as was she. Whenever I did randomly bump into my girlfriend during the night, she was doing the same as I - interacting with others. It was not a problem, it's a social gathering, and she's going home with me. Plus, I know reality is, I can't control another person - people are going to do what they want to do. Besides, sane women in love don't cheat. I understand love and relationships. But you act like she took another guy into a bedroom and was kissing.

You are what's called a bad boy - an insecure, jelous type. And if you keep it up, her love level may drop, and we all know where that's headed - breakup time. Beautiful woman who have been around hate jelous types with a passion.

Her bringing up something totally different during the argument - about your ex....is just how women argue. They will bring up irrelevant dirt from the past in order to win the argument at all costs. Get a good relationship and argue less and then you don't have this problem. The best relationships only have a handful of arguments a year - they discuss things like friends, in a calm, civil manner.

You are lucky she's still with you. What you did was a huge turn-off, and unwarranted. You are lucky she's inexperienced with men and does not know how to avoid the jelous types. If she was a more sophisticated lady, she would have dropped you for being an insecure, jelous type (ladies, do you have a story to tell about a jelous man? - do tell). You should apologize to her and tell her you won't act like the jelous man again. You better check yourself before you wreck your relationship.

Edited February 10, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[ARAMCOMAN]

"She woke up though and came toward me with a real sorrowful look on her face, saying that she was sorry.  I just lost it and burst into tears.  I had no idea what came over me, but the hurt was unbearable.  I ended up sobbing uncontrollably for about ½ and hour.  She kept saying how sorry she was.  I think it scared her that she could do something that had such an effect on a man.  Men aren’t supposed to cry (right?) and I felt embarrassed about it."

As soon as you started blubbering & then sobbing she had you by the short & curlies. Your GF should have been the one crying not the one soothing the poor little muffin whose feeling got hurt. That is the moment you became her bitch. Seriously dude you should have dumped her the minute she walked into the bar with the other guy, totally ignoring you & leaving you standing there with egg on your face. The good news is that you still can. 

 

Edited February 12, 2020 by ARAMCOMAN
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[CAPSLOCK CROOK]

I have been in this exact situation before and it is a difficult one, especially if you regularly do not go to the bar. 

First, you had every right to be angry, but you have to understand that this is what women do... They test you like this, do little things to see how you will react. I think you made the right move to remove yourself from their group and have her approach you, based on how you were dealing with your anger... If you were dealing with your anger in a better way, this would of been a bad choice, but you were not in the right state of mind to be in that situation.

For me, what I did was just what I always do, walk around the bar, introduce myself to literally everyone, even if I have to force myself in, i'm just meeting people and having fun... Eventually bought another girl a drink... We were on a pub crawl, so there was a school bus that we rented that would drop us off at the bar and then pick us up like an hour later and take us to the next bar, so I called a Taxi like 10 minutes before the bus was coming and as my girlfriend, all of her friends and all of my friends were standing outside the front of the bar waiting for the bus, I walked out hand-in-hand with the chick, waved goodbye, hopped into the taxi and left to the chick's place... Girlfriend showed up at my place like an hour later, obviously I wasn't home, then she sat there all night and waited for me to come back, when I did, I packed up all her stuff, handed it to her and told her to move on and that was that.

It wasn't all good, I mean, because I chose to do this, a lot of my friends, especially my women friends, definitely look at me a bit differently, but its something that we kind of laugh about now, I mean, they all saw what she was doing and expected me to react to it... Like this is a group of friends that I have had for a long time, we grew up together, for her to be putting that type of disrespect onto me, trying to hurt my image like that in front of life-long friends, not a chance I was entertaining any part of that.

Yeah, if a woman brings you to tears, as a man, with disrespect, you definitely need to get her out of your life and not let her see you cry... To me, that is the ultimate disrespect.

It is what it is though, you now need to dump her and see if she is willing to make amends... The fact that she is looking at you and saying "Are you OK?" says to me that she knows that you are still hurting, yet is doing nothing to remedy it... Let her chase you for a little bit, let her show you just how sorry she is and if she doesn't, then you know you made the right move. And don't just let her chase you for a week or something, put her in the dog house of dog houses, tell her its break time and that for now, exclusivity is off.

[CAPSLOCK CROOK]

On 2/10/2020 at 12:35 PM, Fletch Lives said:

It's a group, a party, not like a one-on-one romantic date. She is supposed to mingle. But you act like she was making out with the guy at the bar. Why do you feel the need to have a leash on her like she's a dumb dog?! Do you need to be joined at the hip 24/7? Are you that insecure?

You cannot just assume that OP is insecure based on his reaction... There is no clear cut definition for what cheating can mean, it is something that is in context to the individual relationship, not some over-arcing definition. Fact of the matter, is that if OP was mad, it was because his girlfriend was acting outside of her regular behavior... if his girlfriend did this all the time, why would he have a problem with it? He has a problem with it, because this is something that she does not regularly do... To just do something new, while involving your partner, with complete disregard for how they feel about it, yeah that is a big deal.

I can see where you are coming from, but to paint with such wide strokes as this, to just up and determine that he is insecure based on his reaction, I do not agree with that. Every relationship has its own specific boundaries and limits, set by the people who inhabit the relationship... Not everyone is the same, not everyone reacts the same, so to paint everybody with the same brush, I mean, its just kind of ignorant.

[PinkFlamingo]

You did overreact quite a bit. I know how it feels to feel slighted, and most of the time the situation was worse in my head than in reality. Sometimes, it was just in my head and nobody meant harm. Staying away from your group of friends to fume in silence, screaming, crying, etc. indicates that your feelings overwhelmed you and you were not in control of them.

Her behavior might not be the greatest, but your reaction to it was a bit too much and it probably has more to do with your own insecurities than with what she did.

[Looking4Answers101]

Thanks for the responses (I guess ?), some are more helpful than others.  Certainly a wide range of opinions though.

In hindsight, I wished that I had just left the apartment in the middle of the night, then taken a day or two to cool down and let the emotions die down a bit.  But nothing can change that.  So, we shall see how things go from here.  

Worst stuff than that has happened to be in a prior relationship and I was stone cold rather than emotional, so I can't really explain why I reacted the way I did.  I guess you had to be there.