Pinksparkle096 Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 Hi.. First time poster.... I'm so lost and confused.. I started seeing a MM 7mths ago..it's not at a situation I thought I'd find myself in... We work together and we're both going through a tough time.. He was in the process of divorcing his wife and I had just left a 5 year relationship.. We fell for each other and part of the reason was that we had both felt that the persons we were with were not there for us the way we needed them to be.. We'd talk for hours on the phone and constantly text each other .. It felt as if we'd known each other for a long time and I started to feel like this was the person I wanted to be with.. It's been 2 weeks now and I've noticed a change in his behavior.. The little things he was so used to doing are no longer present.. He is very abrasive and detached... I discovered that his wife that he was supposedly separated from and in the process of divorcing had moved back in with him (again) after I overheard colleagues speaking about how he lives for her.. He keeps saying there is nothing to work out between them, that they've tried everything and that he loves me and gets excited when he thinks of the future.. I on the other hand am conflicted though.. Why would you let someone back into your life if there wasn't anything to fix and work on.. I feel incredibly silly for to think that there was a chance that this could be something between us and that it could work out... I guess a part of me knows what I have to do but the other part of me is fighting it because the feelings I have for this man are so fierce... Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 If she's moved back in with him, stop seeing him. It doesn't matter what the "reason", it's a step back from going through with separation/divorce. His change with you indicates that the issue (his marriage) isn't resolved. What he says doesn't really matter when the facts (living together again, his change with you) say something else. I was involved with a MM who was separated. When his wife moved back in with him he said it was for economical reasons. But he gradually grew more and more distant. Don't make the mistake I did and hang around for even more heartache. If and when he's divorced, then you can reconsider where things stand. I know it will hurt to stop seeing him, but believe me, it will hurt a lot more if you continue loving him more and more every day and he eventually just detaches from you completely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 12 minutes ago, Pinksparkle096 said: He was in the process of divorcing his wife and I had just left a 5 year relationship.. It's a rebound affair. Yes, it can be intense and feel like the real deal. But you now know the score. He's not over her, and the coworkers probably hit the nail on the head. As difficult as it may be, you have to be real with yourself and lead with your better judgement rather than being ruled by feelings. Time to extricate yourself from the fantasy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notmyfinestmoment Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 I think many of us can relate to the strong feelings and also the pain of the pull-back. If you are sensing some distance, you can try to have an honest conversation with him. It is better to find out where his head is than to go through the anxiety of being on the roller coaster of emotions trying to figure it. It may very well be possible that he won't have an answer. If that is the case, it is probably best to distance yourself. If she moved back in and he did not tell you, that is definitely a red flag. Honestly, even if he had told you, it would probably still make you feel uncomfortable (as it would anyone) that they are back to living together when they are supposed to be divorcing. I will say divorces are complicated and most don't walk away without waffling a few times. That is why it is usually best to step aside when that is going on because it can be painful to watch all of that from the bleachers (as you know all too well right now). The best advice I can give is don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. Have a conversation. The worst that can happen is that your story comes to an end, but it is better that it happens now rather that you wasting another 6 months or a year, or even longer. Take care, and keep posting. Some of the people on this board are very kind and can offer some amazing advice. It doesn't mean we always follow it, but it is nice to have a place to come where people have been in your situation. Hang in there! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 On 2/2/2020 at 5:32 AM, Pinksparkle096 said: It's been 2 weeks now and I've noticed a change in his behavior.. The little things he was so used to doing are no longer present.. He is very abrasive and detached... I discovered that his wife that he was supposedly separated from and in the process of divorcing had moved back in with him (again) after I overheard colleagues speaking about how he lives for her.. So he's not being honest with you. Huge shocker. It's ironic and certainly hypocritical but I think often true that APs expect honesty from the other AP. Sure, you're lying to your spouse, but you're being straight with me. And I think sometimes, possibly frequently, they actually get it. The affair is new, fresh, exciting, etc. Worth being honest for, from the perspective of the AP, in order to maintain (unlike the marriage). Probably not so much with serial cheaters, but with some APs, particularly at the start. And of course, circumstances change, emotions change, the affair starts winding down or becomes routine, the BS (knowing about the affair or not) sweetens up a bit or starts talking reconciliation, divorce is a huge headache and expensive. And so, thoughts change, intents change, the honesty changes (assuming it was there in the first place). Think that's where you're at. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 (edited) Hi Pinksparkle096, I'm sorry but this guy is not in love with you. You were a pleasant distraction for him when things were tough with his wife. His heart is not with you, it's with her. Moving back in together means they are giving their marriage another chance. Don't waste your time and energy on him any longer, he's not worth it. Edited February 6, 2020 by JTSW 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 (edited) That's the problem with separated men...... they usually are not ready to fall in love with a new woman for some time after divorce.........and he's not even divorced yet and moving back in with his wife. Don't go there. Do not pass "go", do not collect $100.00. Edited February 6, 2020 by Fletch Lives 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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