A bond and chemistry, but something is missing?

[Logo]

How is it possible to have a bond with a person, feel chemistry with that person, be comfortable to be yourself without pretense, but not have satisfying or deep conversations? Both are highly educated. Both are highly cultured, with overlapping interests, but something is lacking. In the long run, how important is it to have that level of "connection"? Does it have to do with personality type? If so, can that be teased out, nurtured?

 

[alphamale]

how long has said couple been dating?

[K.K.]

14 minutes ago, Logo said:

How is it possible to have a bond with a person, feel chemistry with that person, be comfortable to be yourself without pretense, but not have satisfying or deep conversations? Both are highly educated. Both are highly cultured, with overlapping interests, but something is lacking. In the long run, how important is it to have that level of "connection"? Does it have to do with personality type? If so, can that be teased out, nurtured?

 

It’s of utmost importance to me. But I’m not quite sure why if all the other things are falling into place (the bond, chemistry etc,) the other part wouldn’t be there. 

Do you mean they just don’t like to talk or have different interests or what? How do you feel bonded if this is lacking? 

How important is it to you? That’s what matters, really. 

[Logo]

It’s been a long time, years, since I’ve felt comfortable being myself with the person I’m with and that was almost instant. I’m usually myself, no mask, but feeling comfortable and feeling like I’m understood and that things are just flowing naturally without the usual bs is rare. 
 

So it has me puzzled. I don’t want to let go of something that comes around once a decade. 

[Logo]

29 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Do you mean they just don’t like to talk or have different interests or what?

Share similar worldview and ideas, but the other person doesn’t like to talk about serious topics, even though they’re knowledgeable 

[K.K.]

I wonder why. If you both have similar worldview and ideas, you’d think it would just come naturally to talk about it.

I wonder if they have, in the past, ran into conflict when they tried to talk about their views and have just gotten used to staying mum to avoid any arguing.

Maybe you guys views aren’t as similar as you think? Is that in any way possible? 😮

Just thinking out loud, not being facetious. 

[Logo]

I’m simply guessing. It could be one of two things, either wanting to take a mental reprieve from the daily drudgery of work or not being in the habit of taking on deep conversations. I don’t have an answer.
 

Could it be due to a lack of self confidence or a fear of appearing less knowledgeable?

[K.K.]

Hell yes it could be. That’s a thought. But you said it was at such a comfort level already that you wouldn’t think that would be it. Hmm.. It’s something for sure. I’m dying to know what now lol! 

Maybe somehow you could just put it out there during a regular conversation sometime. Like you could ask her if it’s ok that you got brown bread instead of white and then “So what do you think of climate change?” And when she hems and haws, you can say “So babe, why you never want to talk about s*** like climate change? “ 

Like that. 

[elaine567]

Some men always like to be right and some women like to keep the peace.
Maybe she knows your "similar world views and ideas" may take a battering if she were to get into deeper more serious conversations with you. 
Sometimes for a peaceable existence keeping it light can be seen as best...
Just a thought.

[Logo]

I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong when we talk and have tried to be open to learning new things or seeing things differently. On a couple of occasions she proved me wrong, but about topics she knew more about. So I accepted that. I hope I don’t come across as “I like to be right”. 
 

It’s possible that she doesn’t like to talk about topics she doesn’t know much about. She avoids them to be safe. I really want to know, but I don’t want to put her on the spot. 

[elaine567]

Its also possible that she knows a lot about some topics and she doesn't want to show you up.
Some women like to big up their man.
Is she generally a people pleaser?

[preraph]

1 hour ago, Logo said:

Share similar worldview and ideas, but the other person doesn’t like to talk about serious topics, even though they’re knowledgeable 

I'm like that if I know the person I'm talking to is a right fighter or doesn't know what they're talking about.

[SumGuy]

Maybe it’s you?   You can’t accept all the good so you look for something that isn’t perfect and elevate it to a serious concern  ?

is it possible you are overthinking this? 

[Gaeta]

19 hours ago, Logo said:

 Both are highly educated. Both are highly cultured, with overlapping interests.

It's not a matter of education or being cultured, it's a matter of being curious and having an inquiring mind. The best conversationalist debater I came across didn't have a college degree but his curiosity lead him to be knowledgeable about numerous subjects and he had this curiosity about knowing what other people's opinion was.

Maybe your gf doesn't have that type of curiosity. Maybe she is not interested in knowing your opinion on all those subjects you'd like to talk about.

Edited February 3, 2020 by Gaeta

[Logo]

18 hours ago, K.K. said:

It’s of utmost importance to me.

It's important to me too. But, things that were important to me ten or twenty years ago aren't important now. So I question what's more important to me right now in a relationship and it is a question I am having a hard time answering myself. I feel that I want to have it all. But I realize that there is no such thing and that we need to prioritize.

18 hours ago, K.K. said:

Do you mean they just don’t like to talk or have different interests or what? How do you feel bonded if this is lacking? 

It might be different interests. But they are showing some interest in the things I like, not so much to lead to a conversation. It's mainly listening. I feel bonded because I have finally found the qualities that I am looking for in a person that dozens of others I have dated or met lacked. She feels the same about those qualities.

18 hours ago, K.K. said:

How important is it to you? That’s what matters, really. 

I want to feel that I can find everything I'm looking for in that person, so that she can be my best friend and partner and everything else at the same time. Is that unrealistic? But people can compliment their lives by surrounding themselves with others that stimulate that noodle they want stimulated in ways that their partner might not be able to.

I realize that it's rare and that it might be unrealistic. Because relationships are a commitment, I feel that I need to be positively sure.

[Logo]

15 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

 You can’t accept all the good so you look for something that isn’t perfect and elevate it to a serious concern  ?

I do accept all the good and recognize it.

[K.K.]

6 minutes ago, Logo said:

It's important to me too. But, things that were important to me ten or twenty years ago aren't important now. So I question what's more important to me right now in a relationship and it is a question I am having a hard time answering myself. I feel that I want to have it all. But I realize that there is no such thing and that we need to prioritize.

It might be different interests. But they are showing some interest in the things I like, not so much to lead to a conversation. It's mainly listening. I feel bonded because I have finally found the qualities that I am looking for in a person that dozens of others I have dated or met lacked. She feels the same about those qualities.

I want to feel that I can find everything I'm looking for in that person, so that she can be my best friend and partner and everything else at the same time. Is that unrealistic? But people can compliment their lives by surrounding themselves with others that stimulate that noodle they want stimulated in ways that their partner might not be able to.

I realize that it's rare and that it might be unrealistic. Because relationships are a commitment, I feel that I need to be positively sure.

Oh I get it. I do. I think you just know these things or you don’t. Meaning you have to go with what your heart feels. What else can you do? It seems like a pretty good relationship to me but I’m like you and need my ‘noodle stimulated.’  

But if everything else is good now i think you should give it more time. Until it changes one way or the other. 

No use to throw the baby out with the bath water. Until you feel like you can make the right decision. As of now, there’s no decision to even be made. You both are just trying to have your relationship. Ya know? I know you said you don’t like to put her on the spot with questions, but if you’re supposed to be close and you feel comfortable around her like you said, any question that you ask her would be highly appropriate. 

If it was me, I’d be dragging it out of her lol! Maybe she really doesn’t agree with anything you say? Maybe she just goes along because she doesn’t want to cause waves. Wouldn’t that be awful to find out later? 

[Logo]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's not a matter of education or being cultured, it's a matter of being curious and having an inquiring mind. The best conversationalist debater I came across didn't have a college degree but his curiosity lead him to be knowledgeable about numerous subjects and he had this curiosity about knowing what other people's opinion was.

That's a good reminder. I came across a person like that not too long ago and it put a smile on my face hearing him talk after finding out he had the insight and wisdom that a panel of experts sometimes doesn't have. But we all become wiser with age. Curiosity is different. I agree.

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Maybe your gf doesn't have that type of curiosity. Maybe she is not interested in knowing your opinion on all those subjects you'd like to talk about.

She likes it when I share my interests with her. But she doesn't directly ask about them. It's sometimes confusing because she dotes on me, loves me and wants to do a lot for me and experience things with me.

It's possible that I'm not interested in knowing her opinion on all the subjects she likes to talk about, but I try, and ask questions and show interest, because I want to show her that I want to get to know her and also because I'm sometimes looking for common topics, so it makes me curious, I think.

[Logo]

4 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Maybe she just goes along because she doesn’t want to cause waves. Wouldn’t that be awful to find out later? 

She speaks passionately about more or less the same topics that I think about. But she does that without being prompted. So I know where she stands.

She is not expressive about topics that we don't share common interests with each other unless it is something that she has had direct experience with. I am oversimplifying things, but that's the overall impression I get.

[K.K.]

Well, that’s not all that bad. I don’t like football so I hate to talk about it. Maybe it’s like that? 

 

[Gaeta]

45 minutes ago, Logo said:

She is not expressive about topics that we don't share common interests with each other unless it is something that she has had direct experience with. I am oversimplifying things, but that's the overall impression I get.

Give us an example. 

BF and I don't talk about 'our interests'. It would be boring to me to spend a night listening to him talk about electricity BUT we can debate or talk about every subjects presented on the news like politics, economy, immigration, human crisis, name it. 

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, Logo said:

I do accept all the good and recognize it.

The point I'm making is are you looking fro something to counter the good, not that you don't see the good.  Or are you making a mountain out of a molehill.

I'm not saying that is the case, just ask yourself that.  People do self destruct relationships all the time.

[Logo]

2 hours ago, K.K. said:

Well, that’s not all that bad. I don’t like football so I hate to talk about it. Maybe it’s like that? 

 

Even with things that she is interested in, things that she likes to do all the time, when I ask her about her opinion or what she thinks about something, I usually get a single sentence response or just a few words, it leaves no room for a conversation. It's like the age old answer parents get when they ask their kids "What did you learn at school today?" and the answer is "Stuff". Then when I dig deep, I get a similarly short response. It doesn't lead to a conversation.

So

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

It would be boring to me to spend a night listening to him talk about electricity BUT we can debate or talk about every subjects presented on the news like politics, economy, immigration, human crisis, name it. 

That's really it. On the one hand she can show interest in something that I do or in something that I like. It happens rarely, though. But on the other hand with topics like the examples you mentioned, she usually voices her displeasure with that is happening and changes the subject. 

[Logo]

7 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

The point I'm making is are you looking fro something to counter the good, not that you don't see the good.

I want to feel that I can talk about anything and everything with her for hours on end and that we can lose each other in one another.

[SumGuy]

7 minutes ago, Logo said:

I want to feel that I can talk about anything and everything with her for hours on end and that we can lose each other in one another.

That's all well and good, but it sounds like you can have those conversations just not about literally everything.  I don't think it is realistic to expect that.  Should I give extreme examples?

Also, if you have the connection in all other ways and can even have such conversations on several things, your relationship could grow more into it.

So to answer the original question, yes something is "missing" she is not perfect, no one is and if you think they are you are just setting yourself up.  However, when you describe it and add up all that she does have...sounds like she is 95% there.

Edited February 3, 2020 by SumGuy