A bond and chemistry, but something is missing?

[Gaeta]

That reminds me of my youngest brother who has a BA in Philosophies and Politics. He's a very cerebral man and he LOVES to debate those 2 subjects and 1 million of other ones. His first serious girlfriend was a sweetheart blessed with beauty and kindness....but her thing was 'celebrities'. They were happy at first and at 5 years my brother ended it. He said she was an amazing women but he needed that intellectual connection. Fast forward a few years, he is now married to a woman with a doctorate, the daughter of an ex politician. My brother and her are like 2 peas in a pot! When we visit them conversations last through the whole night!! Now thinking about this, I am glad he listened to his little voice telling him something was missing with his ex.

Edited February 5, 2020 by Gaeta

[Logo]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I love to talk about theoretical physics, guess how common that is

It’s a great first date topic? 🙂

[SumGuy]

17 hours ago, Logo said:

It’s a great first date topic? 🙂

It's a great date if it is.

You'd be surprised how often for me it is a topic (certainly on date 2), but it most likely is to come up from a discussion of spirituality and religion. 

A great first date topic?  Depends on your goal.   It does serve a great filter function.  It's not so much knowing the latest to greatest but more a willingness to think of such questions, a certain intellectual curiosity, or even the ability to converse with someone on something you know nothing about.

[chillii]

On 2/4/2020 at 8:50 AM, Logo said:

That's the problem. She has the knowledge about these topics, and she can be on top of them, but doesn't like to talk about them.

l can understand that . l have a lot of knowledge and passion for many topics but most of them l don't like getting into too often, l actually enjoy just everyday light stuff more than most of that. Too heavy too often bores me and it just weighs me down , and it changes nothing anyway. She has no interest in that way. there's a difference.

[Miss Spider]

Yes in the case where they have different interests. I run into this problem a lot because I like to discuss somewhat esoteric topics at times. The guy can be intelligent and he can even be trying, but if he hasn’t really studied those particular topics,  it can come up lacking 

[Fletch Lives]

It's called lust.

A good relationship is a friendship on fire. Ask yourself this question: If not for attraction, could I be just friends with this person? If not, there's going to be trouble in paradise.

You need attraction and friendship for a good relationship. (Couples are often best friends....... but not always). 

But keep it in perspective - don't make your SO your whole world..........you should have other friends and interests too.

Attraction and love is not enough.

Edited February 12, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Miss Spider]

I’ve also been thinking about this question and why it’s so hard for me to connect and stay interested, even when things seem fine on paper. I like a particular brand of wit/ humor that’s really hard to find, to the point where I’ve only met a couple  of men who have deeply interestedme in my lifeS. But they don’t stay this way and it’s almost like a pretense for them, so when they start to get comfortable or even just as time goes on, they start to get kind of mushy and boring(for lack of a better word) I guess no one can be amusing all the time. But that is just needed for me to stay connected on a deeper level: Ahhh it’s hard to explain. But I totally get what you mean. 

Edited February 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Logo]

At what point do you find these things out? On the first date? Second? A few months into the relationship?

How do you know when you have reached the point when you have tried everything? Is it possible that it has to do with the person's communication style, their level of confidence around the other person they are with? 

[Miss Spider]

A lot of the time  I know right away. Just no  deep- level connection and feels like something is missing. At other times it takes time to come to this realization. At first I might think ‘hmm maybe’ or I’m distracted by other things I like about them that I’m willing to forgo it, but then it hits me that not even, hence the loss of interest. I think communication style is a huge part of it. When you can really communicate with someone it’s a beautiful  thing. I think when that is coupled with romantic attraction, it would cause a much more  lasting interest. A spark and excitement like no other. I would love to have that. Everything else just seems superficial. I don’t think I will settle for less for that now 

And a person’s level of confidence can perhaps impact it. I once read a study that said people perform more poorly around people they’re attracted to. It concluded people get nervous around people they like and are distracted. On the flip, maybe when they are comfortable and confident they aren’t as interested in being interesting and dynamic around the personZ 

Edited February 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Baman]

You mention Chemistry...

Chemicals in the brain, human biology.

Is she a high functioning autistic or aspergers?

I know some brilliant ones who struggle to maintain bonds and what we consider normal engagement with others.

[Gaeta]

On 2/14/2020 at 12:31 AM, Cookiesandough said:

 I like a particular brand of wit/ humor that’s really hard to find, to the point where I’ve only met a couple  of men who have deeply interestedme in my lifeS. But they don’t stay this way and it’s almost like a pretense for them, so when they start to get comfortable or even just as time goes on, they start to get kind of mushy and boring(for lack of a better word) 

To me it sounds like you expect them to challenge you and entertain you but a relationship is a game played by 2 partners. You have a part in keeping that alive. 

[Miss Spider]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

To me it sounds like you expect them to challenge you and entertain you but a relationship is a game played by 2 partners. You have a part in keeping that alive. 

But I do....I banter as well. Contrary, I’m  I’ve met so few who share my sense of humor,  that I’m usually doing it alone.... And with the last part I mean is as dating goes on they change. They start to show their vulnerabilities etc. Which I guess is what they’re supposed to do, but it makes that initial confident, mysterious, witty image that I’m attracted to disappear. It becomes a human being, with many sides, including flaws and weaknesses. s I really wish there was a solution to my problem . 

Edited February 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

Which I guess is what they’re supposed to do, but it makes that initial smart, mysterious, witty image that I’m attracted to disappear. :s I really wish there was a solution to my problem .

Vulnerability is shown after familiarity has settled in the relationship. Maybe you are rushing these relationship to familiarity. You should try to keep dating light and not bring them home too soon this way they'll remain mysterious and witty longer. 

[Miss Spider]

So it has to fade? I keep hoping maybe I just haven’t met the right one for me 

Edited February 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

So it has to fade? 

Would you like to date someone 2-3 years and they're still full of mystery to you? After a while for the relationship to grow and trust to solidify, mystery has to take a back seat. 

 

[Miss Spider]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Would you like to date someone 2-3 years and they're still full of mystery to you? After a while for the relationship to grow and trust to solidify, mystery has to take a back seat. 

 

I understand. I guess part of me still sees this possibility where someone is dynamic and interesting enough to where I’m still always excited and surprised by them..I realize that would mean I  should be the same and I’m not saying I am, 

 

I still don’t know what to do about not finding anyone I’m attracted to that  I can connect with,  have that click in communication, and find interesting. Honestly, if I were finding these people and it wasn’t working out for some reason, even if they were rejecting me, I’d so much feel better then how it is not finding them at all. At least then  I would know it can happen and it’s a possibility. 
 Maybe I just need to keep searching.... 

Edited February 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I understand. I guess part of me still sees this possibility where someone is dynamic and interesting enough to where I’m still always excited and surprised by them..I realize that would mean I  should be the same and I’m not saying I am, 

Even considered you are addicted to the new relationship rush? That's why you lose interest when that phase pass. 

[Miss Spider]

On 2/3/2020 at 4:47 PM, Gaeta said:

Ok I understand now. She is like my ex-husband and it made a loooonnnng marriage. I am on top of everything concerning current affairs and my ex-husband couldn't care less about politics, elections, economy, the homeless, etc. He'd say meh I don't care. I missed these types of exchanges in my marriage, it was like my mind was never challenged. 

Exactly. :.: mind is never challenged. Can’t find anyone who does. I’m not talking just  level of knowledge,  or necessarily even an intellectual level, but overall it’s like everyone I meet follows the same template and just bores me. 

[Logo]

On 2/5/2020 at 3:29 PM, Gaeta said:

That reminds me of my youngest brother who has a BA in Philosophies and Politics. He's a very cerebral man and he LOVES to debate those 2 subjects and 1 million of other ones. His first serious girlfriend was a sweetheart blessed with beauty and kindness....but her thing was 'celebrities'. They were happy at first and at 5 years my brother ended it. He said she was an amazing women but he needed that intellectual connection. Fast forward a few years, he is now married to a woman with a doctorate, the daughter of an ex politician. My brother and her are like 2 peas in a pot! When we visit them conversations last through the whole night!! Now thinking about this, I am glad he listened to his little voice telling him something was missing with his ex.

When your youngest brother met the second woman did she or he have children by then? What about when he met the first woman? 
 

 

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, Logo said:

When your youngest brother met the second woman did she or he have children by then? What about when he met the first woman? 
 

 

My brother and his wife met they were both 37-38 and childless. They had their first child 18 months ago at 39, and are expecting their 2nd one right now they are 40.

The woman he was before did not have children, she wanted children very much, but my brother held back as he felt something was missing. 

Edited February 19, 2020 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

On 2/16/2020 at 2:04 AM, Logo said:

At what point do you find these things out? On the first date? Second? A few months into the relationship?

How do you know when you have reached the point when you have tried everything? Is it possible that it has to do with the person's communication style, their level of confidence around the other person they are with? 

I think by 3 months if you feel something is not quite right it's time to let go even if it's due to an exterior reason like communication style, level of confidence. It all means you are not compatible.