Gaeta Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 16 minutes ago, Logo said: That's really it. On the one hand she can show interest in something that I do or in something that I like. It happens rarely, though. But on the other hand with topics like the examples you mentioned, she usually voices her displeasure with that is happening and changes the subject. Ok I understand now. She is like my ex-husband and it made a loooonnnng marriage. I am on top of everything concerning current affairs and my ex-husband couldn't care less about politics, elections, economy, the homeless, etc. He'd say meh I don't care. I missed these types of exchanges in my marriage, it was like my mind was never challenged. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted February 3, 2020 Author Share Posted February 3, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Ok I understand now. She is like my ex-husband and it made a loooonnnng marriage. I am on top of everything concerning current affairs and my ex-husband couldn't care less about politics, elections, economy, the homeless, etc. He'd say meh I don't care. I missed these types of exchanges in my marriage, it was like my mind was never challenged. That's the problem. She has the knowledge about these topics, and she can be on top of them, but doesn't like to talk about them. Edited February 3, 2020 by Logo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted February 3, 2020 Author Share Posted February 3, 2020 6 minutes ago, SumGuy said: That's all well and good, but it sounds like you can have those conversations just not about literally everything. I don't think it is realistic to expect that. Should I give extreme examples? Also, if you have the connection in all other ways and can even have such conversations on several things, your relationship could grow more into it. So to answer the original question, yes something is "missing" she is not perfect, no one is and if you think they are you are just setting yourself up. However, when you describe it and add up all that she does have...sounds like she is 95% there. I understand what you wrote, and I'm not expecting her to be perfect, but I would like to be able to talk about the same one or two topics all the time. When I do ask questions about other things she likes to do, the answers are usually a few words and it ends there. Or her body tenses and I can tell she wants to change the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 How long have you been dating? Can you find these types of conversations with friends & family? Would that suffice? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: It's not a matter of education or being cultured, it's a matter of being curious and having an inquiring mind. all four are important Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 1 minute ago, Logo said: When I do ask questions about other things she likes to do, the answers are usually a few words and it ends there. Or her body tenses and I can tell she wants to change the topic. Ok, so it's not only about not debating topics you like but she is only interested in 1 thing or 2. Maybe she doesn't have the knowledge to debate those numerous topics. Even if she is educated, if she doesn't take interest in what is currently happening in the world how can she have a conversation about them, she can't. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Logo said: I understand what you wrote, and I'm not expecting her to be perfect, but I would like to be able to talk about the same one or two topics all the time. When I do ask questions about other things she likes to do, the answers are usually a few words and it ends there. Or her body tenses and I can tell she wants to change the topic. Fair enough. On the last thing, that seems odd. There may be something more to it that is triggering a bad experience, she may need to feel safer before letting her guard down. You may also want to look into the Myers Briggs personality types. I'm one that needs to be able to have intellectual conversations, so I know where you are coming from, I also know how you can self sabotage. It helped me see how others see things, and the different ways we can lose our selves in each other. If it is really good between you two people can learn to speak the others language so to speak. Edited February 3, 2020 by SumGuy Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 23 minutes ago, Logo said: Even with things that she is interested in, things that she likes to do all the time, when I ask her about her opinion or what she thinks about something, I usually get a single sentence response or just a few words, it leaves no room for a conversation. It's like the age old answer parents get when they ask their kids "What did you learn at school today?" and the answer is "Stuff". Then when I dig deep, I get a similarly short response. It doesn't lead to a conversation. My guess. She doesn't want to talk about that stuff with you, just like a kid doesn't want to talk to their parents about school, as it is boring to them and the "explanations" are too complicated. A bit like if you love soccer and can talk about football all night to your mate but your gf knows little and you end up explaining the offside rule or she has no idea who your favourite player is... "Never heard of him, who does he play for again?" It is not a fulfilling conversation, as it is one sided. She is pretending to be interested in soccer and you are just trying to be nice, but you are really not interested in talking about soccer to her either.. Your gf has a special interest is some things, but because you do not really know enough about them, I am guessing she doesn't really want to talk to you about them... Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 She's not going to rock the boat. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 Maybe your concept of conversation comes off as adversarial debate to her and so she avoids it. I love to debate issues, discussing all sides, but I am very selective on who I try to engage. not everyone appreciates that type of exchange. Does she have a mild temperament? She might find the type of conversation you crave stressful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 To elaborate, this is a new relationship. She doesn't want to piss you off or put a foot wrong. She is uncertain of maintaining your interest at this point and rightfully so, since you Logo are uncertain of your attraction (weight.) This is all fine, take time to get to know each other but her hesitancy is most likely rooted in fear of turning you off and losing opportunity to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 3 minutes ago, FMW said: Maybe your concept of conversation comes off as adversarial debate to her and so she avoids it. I love to debate issues, discussing all sides, but I am very selective on who I try to engage. not everyone appreciates that type of exchange. Does she have a mild temperament? She might find the type of conversation you crave stressful. Very valid point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted February 3, 2020 Author Share Posted February 3, 2020 23 minutes ago, Timshel said: She's not going to rock the boat. I’m not sure that’s the case since she’s very opinionated in regards to other topics related to her personality my personality or acquaintances. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 Well then perhaps Gaeta is correct, she simply must stay on certain topics. Have you asked her directly why she clams up at certain conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 Perhaps she just doesn’t enjoy deep conversation? The topics above (personality, acquaintances) sound a bit “lighter,” more like pop psychology or gossip. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted February 4, 2020 Author Share Posted February 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Timshel said: Well then perhaps Gaeta is correct, she simply must stay on certain topics. Have you asked her directly why she clams up at certain conversation? I haven't, not directly. I don't think I'm explaining myself well here. I meant to say that she shares her opinions about herself and me and others and she feels comfortable doing that. So she is not afraid to open up. They are not negative opinions, they are just descriptions of what she feels and sees, things she has personal experience with. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 4, 2020 Share Posted February 4, 2020 You are trying to have a relationship with this woman Logo, that goes beyond sex and light chit chat. Is she shallow or of substance? You are having sex with this woman; certainly you would be fine to ask her what bothers an opinion from her? It doesn't need to be anything heady, only something that you would like to talk about and if she balks, ask her why for heavens sake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 4, 2020 Share Posted February 4, 2020 (edited) l know some women will like to make it all about the evil man in this , but nope , that doesn't sound like even close. But first up yeah , education means nothing believe me. l have 6 sisters educated to the hilt and grew up with and l've dealt with dozens of their friends over the yrs too. Yet , my 18yr old daughter has more smarts and personality in one hand and is far far far better to talk to , than 90% of them. So did my ex w , and so does my gf . Education or views or knowledge , doesn't makath a personality , and it doesn't necessarily give a person all the other smarts in life that many far lesser educated people might have all of in abundance , and the same doesn't mean that you click. l think she just doesn't have the kinda personalty that matches yours. When personalities match it doesn't matter if you have zero in common , you can still just talk , have fun, life between you , till the cows come home , your just into each other, that's real click. You can have everything in common but that doesn't mean your that into each other , or the personalities match . As far as how important that is , depends on the people. Some are happy right there , they have a lower personality that doesn't really need that much. Some have much more and need much more. She might be quite content , or maybe she notices too. Edited February 4, 2020 by chillii 4 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 4, 2020 Share Posted February 4, 2020 Have you ever listened to a political speech and been enthusiastic at the time only to find out later, when your mind filtered through the contents, that the politician had not said anything of importance? Is this similar to what is happening between the two of you? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2020 Share Posted February 4, 2020 14 hours ago, Logo said: I’m not sure that’s the case since she’s very opinionated in regards to other topics related to her personality my personality or acquaintances. So she is good at critisizing people. That tells me when she has an opinion she is willing to share. You count on the fact she is educated therefore should be a good conversionalist, doesn't work that way automatically. I think she is not interested in current affairs, so don't follow them so has no opinion. My daughter is as opinionated as me and as informed. Her bf is like your gf. For months she questionned if she could be with someone like this. Her answer was yes as she can fulfill that need with family and friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted February 5, 2020 Author Share Posted February 5, 2020 On 2/3/2020 at 1:08 PM, SumGuy said: Maybe it’s you? You can’t accept all the good so you look for something that isn’t perfect and elevate it to a serious concern ? is it possible you are overthinking this? Let's suppose for the sake of debate that I am, why am I overthinking it? What can I do to stop overthinking it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted February 5, 2020 Author Share Posted February 5, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, Gaeta said: My daughter is as opinionated as me and as informed. Her bf is like your gf. For months she questionned if she could be with someone like this. Her answer was yes as she can fulfill that need with family and friends. That's helpful. Thanks. Edited February 5, 2020 by Logo Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 12 hours ago, Logo said: Let's suppose for the sake of debate that I am, why am I overthinking it? What can I do to stop overthinking it? Maybe you're actually looking for a reason to break up with her? Maybe you don't want to be a "bad" guy and dump he because of her weight, but feel it would be more acceptable to dump her if you had other reasons, like communication issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted February 5, 2020 Author Share Posted February 5, 2020 That’s not it. I’m not looking for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 18 hours ago, Logo said: Let's suppose for the sake of debate that I am, why am I overthinking it? What can I do to stop overthinking it? Enjoy what you do have. Look to expand on what you can discuss. After maybe 6 months bring it up in a non-accusatory way...maybe just describe how you like to converse. These topics you must converse on do so with your friends or an internet forum. The friends route is pretty stereotypical, but for a reason. I love to talk about theoretical physics, guess how common that is Link to post Share on other sites
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