Was this cheating?

[FeC]

I have had a boyfriend for years but one night I was texting a guy friend and he asked what kind of stuff I liked in the bedroom. I told him and he jacked off to it (he said he did). I did not get off/touch myself, but I did not end the conversation immediately (which I regret) because it was flattering in a weird way, not because I was sexually interested in him. He asked for nudes, I said no. End of conversation. This was years ago, I was young (18), and nothing like it has ever happened again but I still feel guilty. I know the part I played was wrong, I’m not asking if it was wrong because I already know that. I know I shouldn’t have allowed the conversation to continue or talked about my sexual interests with him, and I’ve never repeated those mistakes. I love my boyfriend, we’ve been together 5+ years. I’m asking if, in your opinion, it is cheating if you tell someone what you like in the bedroom and they masturbate to it and you do not? Also, is it forgivable?

[Daisydooks]

If you wont do it in front of me, yes. To me it is cheating. 

Everyones opinions may vary, but that's always been a good rule for me to follow and for partners of mine to follow if they question whether  I would deem something wrong. If you do it behind my back but wont do it in front of my face, you probably shouldn't be doing it

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, FeC said:

I have had a boyfriend for years but one night I was texting a guy friend and he asked what kind of stuff I liked in the bedroom. I told him and he jacked off to it (he said he did). I did not get off/touch myself, but I did not end the conversation immediately (which I regret) because it was flattering in a weird way, not because I was sexually interested in him. He asked for nudes, I said no. End of conversation. This was years ago, I was young (18), and nothing like it has ever happened again but I still feel guilty. I know the part I played was wrong, I’m not asking if it was wrong because I already know that. I know I shouldn’t have allowed the conversation to continue or talked about my sexual interests with him, and I’ve never repeated those mistakes. I love my boyfriend, we’ve been together 5+ years. I’m asking if, in your opinion, it is cheating if you tell someone what you like in the bedroom and they masturbate to it and you do not? Also, is it forgivable?

Is your question really: how quickly do we think he should get over what you did so you can get back to relationship status quo?

I don't think that was cheating as most people would define the word, but it was highly inappropriate. Ask yourself the question: would you consider it cheating if your boyfriend did exactly what you did? There's your answer.

It being forgivable depends upon the nature of the person you've offended.  Is your boyfriend someone who would forgive this?  If the tables were turned, would you forgive your boyfriend of this?  Also, there's a universe of difference between forgiving someone and getting over what happened on the time table of the person asking forgiveness. 

[JS84]

I don't think it was cheating necessarily, although your boyfriend would have been justified in ending things with you if he had found out about it. It showed a lack of poor boundaries on your part but it seems like you recognize that now and hopefully have them in place so something like that doesn't happen again.

If this all happened 5 years ago why is it bothering you now??

 

[K.K.]

5 hours ago, FeC said:

I have had a boyfriend for years but one night I was texting a guy friend and he asked what kind of stuff I liked in the bedroom. I told him and he jacked off to it (he said he did). I did not get off/touch myself, but I did not end the conversation immediately (which I regret) because it was flattering in a weird way, not because I was sexually interested in him. He asked for nudes, I said no. End of conversation. This was years ago, I was young (18), and nothing like it has ever happened again but I still feel guilty. I know the part I played was wrong, I’m not asking if it was wrong because I already know that. I know I shouldn’t have allowed the conversation to continue or talked about my sexual interests with him, and I’ve never repeated those mistakes. I love my boyfriend, we’ve been together 5+ years. I’m asking if, in your opinion, it is cheating if you tell someone what you like in the bedroom and they masturbate to it and you do not? Also, is it forgivable?

The problem that I always see is that people don’t just keep this kind of stuff to themselves. They always want to tell their partner and blow up their world over some dumb s*** that doesn’t even matter. 

I don’t think it’s cheating but it could hurt his feelings if he finds out so just keep it yourself. It’s not that big a deal. 

IMO only. 

[ExpatInItaly]

The only person whose opinion matters about whether this is cheating is your boyfriend, OP. 

You will get a mixed bag of responses here. Some will say it's cheating, others not. I think nearly everyone will agree it was not appropriate. Some will view it as deal-breaking behaviour, others not. The question is, knowing your boyfriend as well as surely do, would he consider it cheating? Would he find it forgivable? You must have a pretty clear idea on where the boundaries are in your relationship by now, no?

I too am curious why you're wondering about this now, years after the fact. Has it been eating at you all this time, or is there some reason why you fear this skeleton might be forced out of the closet sometime soon? 

[d0nnivain]

No it's not cheating but it's also not ethical.  You were in a committed relationship with your Bf so discussing your sexual needs with somebody else especially if you knew that person was getting sexual gratification from your disclosure was harmful to your relationship.  

You were young & experienced.  You did a dumb thing in part because you were flattered.  

If you really haven't done something like that again in years, hopefully your BF can forgive & find a way to get past it.  However, since it's an issue, assuming your BF is around your same age it may be a deal breaker to him 

[skywriter]

5 hours ago, FeC said:

I know the part I played was wrong, I’m not asking if it was wrong because I already know that.

This, is really all that matters, at this stage of your life.

[Silver_star]

Everyone will have their own definition of cheating. Physical, emotional...whatever crosses a boundary for them. This is something you clearly feel guilty about and so you feel that you did cross boundaries, i would consider that cheating on your partner once you know you have purposely crossed a boundary (knowing it was wrong but doing it anyways for some personal benefit). It sounds like you regret it, which is good that you learned something. Why are you still thinking about it after all this time? Is your guilt eating at you?

If your bf doesnt know about this you could choose to bury that secret with you and vow to learn from it and never do it again, especially if you feel it would hurt him too much, or let your concious be free by telling him and possibly make him develop ongoing trust issues with you when you are on your phone, or when you go out...that would be the consequence of your actions even if the offence was long ago...his perception of you could change.  

[smackie9]

If your BF was in your shoes and he chatted sexually with another girl and she got off on it.....would you say he cheated?

[sothereiwas]

If you have to keep it a secret or if your SO wouldn't approve, it's cheating. Deciding if a specific course of action is cheating depends completely on the individuals in the relationship. 

[usa1ah]

You have already given yourself the answer. It is a form of cheating I believe. No where near as bad as others. Great job ending it as you did. 
 

Hope you and your bf have a happy life together. 
 

I normally advocate to tell your SO when they are cheated on, complete honesty. I would suggest telling your bf. The only problem is that it has been so long that he might not believe that is all that happened. Up to you to tell or not. Again, great job shutting it down. 

[Mystery4u]

Was it cheating? No. Was it highly inappropriate? Yes.

If it happened only once years ago why do you suddenly care about it now? He doesn't need to know about it, so just carry on with life as if it never happened.

[crederer]

Whether it's cheating or not is up for your boyfriend to decide. I had a gf do something similar. I "forgave" her but I never trusted her again and resented her for it. I mean does it really matter if it qualifies as "cheating"? Cheating isn't the only reason for a break up. I was young when that happened but if my current girlfriend did that I would definately break up over it.