Online dating: he seriously exaggerated his height, how to let him down politely?

[SumGuy]

Just now, elaine567 said:

A good guy who set out to deceive you...

I think what he did is foolish, but good people make such mistakes, especially ones like this that seem to arise from insecurity.

[preraph]

He knew what he was doing and he was overcompensating and trying to be perfect.  Truth is he probably is far from perfect, as evidenced by him lying on his profile.  

[I'veseenbetterlol]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

I agree, which is why I don't understand why men lie about it. Isn't it easier for women to avoid meeting you than to meet you and then reject you? They are doing this to themselves. 

I second that for sure!

 

2 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I like this approach. It's honest and vague.

Would it be rude if I told him that I met another man that I feel is more suitable for me? And that I want to pursue that?

I love honest and vague when letting someone down.  No matter what, I have always been like "hey I'm not interested".  No need to hurt people.

[nospam99]

Interesting to me how much feedback this topic is getting.

I'm 5'8'' and I state my height accurately in my OLD profile.
I very much notice that women, even when 'shorter than average' say in their profiles they want taller guys. Quick example - I just exchanged friendly OLD messages with, based on her essay, a VERY nice woman. She's 5'5'', looking for 5'10'' to 6'5''. I wrote her anyway because her essay was so 'spot on'. She responded, something almost 80% of the women on OLD fail to do. We closed out the 'conversation' wishing each other luck. But the bottom line is that my height was a dealbreaker even though I am taller than she is.

One reason I'm bringing it up is that I've seen this 'discussion' go back and forth on LS. Plenty of ANECDOTES (which are not the same as empirical or experimental evidence) about short guys finding relationships with taller women. But I'm saying that's all they are, exceptional cases. All the research I've seen is that height is the most significant factor in male physical attractiveness. So I'm giving OP's date a pass for lying on the assumption he was trying to become one of those exceptions. Us guys know that you NEVER get a date with women who you don't ask (excepting the rarer case where she asks you.)

[thefooloftheyear]

Frankly I am surprised he'd do it if he knew you were that tall...Most guys don't want to be with taller women probably more than you don't want to be with them,....Even tall guys like "shorties".....No disrespect, but IME, most taller women tend to look more like Big Bird than Heidi Klum...just sayin...😆

Its too bad, as it seems like you guys hit it off....Believe me, there are probably plenty of guys that overlooked a woman's grossly exaggerated physical attributes, once they see it worked out...If its not working for you, then just bail...Guys don't usually get bent about this stuff...He probably figured he'd take a shot and hope for the best...

I've no experience, but from what I am hearing, OLD is just one giant clusterfck of fantasy and bullshyt… 

TFY

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, Andy_K said:

More likely he figured there's a chance if she likes him enough in person, 2-3 inches in height could be overlooked. He lied because a small chance of his height and deception being overlooked is better to him than zero chance of getting a date in the first place. Perhaps if OP was 5'1", she'd be much less likely to be able to tell the difference between 5'7" and 5'9". Either way, this is just a gamble on his part to get a foot in the door

Agreed. I wonder about this too. If I were a man on the shorter side and felt the need to do this, I wouldn’t go for women that dwarfed me. If the woman was 5’1, I feel like those 2 or so inches would be less noticed...

[thefooloftheyear]

11 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

IAll the research I've seen is that height is the most significant factor in male physical attractiveness. So I'm giving OP's date a pass for lying on the assumption he was trying to become one of those exceptions. Us guys know that you NEVER get a date with women who you don't ask (excepting the rarer case where she asks you.)

I haven't found this to be true at all...Id say maybe if you lined up 10 guys that were all similar in looks/physique, that a woman may default to a taller guy, but a shorter and better looking guy with a better physique will usually do better with women then just a taller lanky doofus kind of guy or the types that look like Shrek..

With the majority of women I see on the street 5'0-5'5" tall most guys 5'9" or shorter will still be fairly taller than most of them...

The only guys I have found that really struggle are the "manlet" types that are like 5'3 or shorter...And probably the really tall women struggle just as much as they do...

TFY

[sothereiwas]

A woman that stands 5' 10 is significantly taller than average, and for her to prefer a taller than average fella seems pretty understandable. People want what they want, but for a 5' 0 woman (for example) to require a guy to be 6' 4 or above would be a real edge case I think. 

 

3 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

The only guys I have found that really struggle are the "manlet" types that are like 5'3 or shorter...And probably the really tall women struggle just as much as they do...

That.

[MsJayne]

I wouldn't worry about letting him down gently, it's not like he's got far to fall. 

[preraph]

I think you should tell him the truth and see how nasty he gets about it gaslighting you and making you the bad guy, and then you can walk away with a clear conscious.

[thefooloftheyear]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

I wouldn't worry about letting him down gently, it's not like he's got far to fall. 

Savage!....🤣

[ccas93]

 He might not even know how tall he truly is, a lot of men seem unsure of how tall they actually. Like short men are often in such denial, they truly tricked themselves to believe that they are 2 inches taller. I’m 5’10”, and I’ve had 5’7” guys say to me “oh we’re about the same height” when I’m clearly a good amount taller, and I find it bizarre. 

[nospam99]

@tfy

Here's my research (took all of 30 seconds to find)
https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20000112/women-tall-men#1

Where's yours?

[nospam99]

BTW, I can easily lead a 5'10'' woman (5'10'' in flats or with high enough heels to bring her 'working height' to that level) on the dance floor. Height also tends to 'not matter much' in bed (though I've never slept with a taller woman :D )

[Piddy]

1 hour ago, ccas93 said:

 He might not even know how tall he truly is, a lot of men seem unsure of how tall they actually. Like short men are often in such denial, they truly tricked themselves to believe that they are 2 inches taller. I’m 5’10”, and I’ve had 5’7” guys say to me “oh we’re about the same height” when I’m clearly a good amount taller, and I find it bizarre. 

I went for my yearly physical late last year and the nurse had me stand and get measured for my height.  Always been 6' since I was 16 or 17.  She said 6' 1". 😕  I said 6' 1"?  I said I thought you shrunk as you got older and here I am getting taller.  🙄 

It is hard to judge height.  It depends on body type etc..  Played golf with a guy whose body made him look shorter than he was.  He was 6' 1" and I guessed he was 5' 10".  I have a longer torso, so I look taller than I am. 

The point is this guy may be taller than he looks.  But makes no difference because he didn't measure up to the OP's height requirement.     

Edited February 4, 2020 by Piddy

[BJP1991]

I find these cases interesting. Granted you were lied to, you owe no real obligation to tell him why. Just say “you don’t feel a connection” - does he really need to know you don’t like his lies? Not really.

 

Lying aside, this is so interesting in modern dating. Shallow man who is insecure about his height tells a lie and says he’s 1-6 inches taller than he actually is. Girl believes him (why shouldn’t she?). Girl gets mad when her shallow expectations about height are not met. It’s a double edged sword most of the time - not necessarily your case, OP, but I’m sure you see what I’m getting at.

 

Dont need to tell him why. You don’t owe him anything for lying to you, since he was afraid about his height, obviously.

 

28 y.o. male here - and I’m legit 5’11” and wouldn’t lie to get “6 feet” - don’t care what anyone thinks.

 

Men - don’t lie in your profiles or it WILL come back to bite you. 
 

 

[Kitty Tantrum]

I think if I were in that position I'd be calling guys out on it. "If you'll brazenly lie to me when I can clearly see the truth with my own two eyes - how many lies will you tell me when I can't?"

NEXT.

"But women lie about their weight all the time!"

Yeah? Cool story. Those women aren't me and I won't be held responsible or accountable for their behavior. Some guy lying to me about whatever thing does not balance out the fact that some other woman lied about something to someone else.

[Cookiesandough]

Hmm. I’m 5’6, almost 5’7, so taller than average. All my bfs and even the guys I’ve been on dates with (with the exception of one) have been 6’ and above (mostly 6’2)
 

Even online dating. I wondered for a long time why this was since I’ve heard of girls (even ones much shorter than me) specifically asking guys for their heights or looking for it in their profiles? I wasn’t nearly this fixated, I didn’t care at all. Maybe it was a subconscious thing that I didn’t even notice myself. Then I thought maybe the shorter men saw my height ( listed on my profile) and said nah which could very well be. It makes sense to me because height never was a blip in my mind until I wound up on a date with a guy who was shorter than me and I felt extremely weird. It just didn’t fit to me (he seemed into it 😟)So I can understand where op is coming from. It’s just how you fit together and what you are attracted to. I see taller women/shorter guys quite often. 

Edited February 4, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[BJP1991]

I’m amazed at all the responses telling OP to tell the guy “why” she doesn’t want to date him any longer. 
 

Youre promoting conflict - why?

[Kitty Tantrum]

5 minutes ago, BJP1991 said:

I’m amazed at all the responses telling OP to tell the guy “why” she doesn’t want to date him any longer. 
 

Youre promoting conflict - why?

Doesn't sound like conflict to me. Just a simple statement intended to shame someone for lying.

[thefooloftheyear]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

Which is why literally every really tall dude I see is with a short, petite, pretty girl. 

There isn't a single male member of my extended family(a LOT of guys)...taller than 5'10"...Most are shorter than you are...Yet if you lined up all the women we have ever been with, probably none of them would be less than a solid 7.5....and there are quite a few 9/9.5's..And none struggled to find women to date or marry..

I couldn't  care less about any "research" you have.....Ill show you YouTube videos of gorgeous women on the beach saying they prefer dad bods over guys with great physiques.....Suuure, they do...

I've said it before and ill say it again..

"a poor craftsman blames his tools"

TFY

 

Edited February 4, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[Cookiesandough]

Be

7 minutes ago, BJP1991 said:

I’m amazed at all the responses telling OP to tell the guy “why” she doesn’t want to date him any longer. 
 

Youre promoting conflict - why?

I just told her to expect a “why”, because it’s very rare you can reject a guy and he doesn’t ask why. 

[RecentChange]

I get it why he would fudge on height a little. I mean if I went out on a date with a guy who was shorter than he said, but we really hit it off, I might be willing to over look it.

But the OP is quite tall for a woman, and this man is quite short for a man.

When a TALL woman accepted his request for a date, he should have come clean with "by the way, I am 5 inches shorter than you".

I don't think the OP has to get specific. It he asks for another date decline, if he asks why, his height is the answer

Edited February 4, 2020 by RecentChange

[sothereiwas]

18 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

When a TALL woman accepted his request for a date, he should have come clean with "by the way, I am 5 inches shorter than you".

I can't speak for the OP, but I suspect that 5 inches taller instead of 10  is less of a thing than 2 inches shorter instead of 3 inches taller. 

[Art_Critic]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

A good guy who set out to deceive you...

Yeah, I think this is the bulk of the issue.. the height isn't.. the deception is.

FTR, I'm 5'9" and NEVER had any issue dating on OLD over height...I think what happens is that the men cannot wow them in other area and the height just becomes another thing to be unmatched on... I dated women up to 5'10", my exwife was 5'7" and my wife today is 5'6".. just a couple of inches shorter than me.

I have always said that a woman just wants to have a fun time and laugh on a date, show her that and she will be yours.. height is a non factor in how much fun someone will have on a date.