Online dating: he seriously exaggerated his height, how to let him down politely?

[Pat77]

 

12 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I just had a thought to add to this topic. A lot of people, myself included, making and laughing at height puns. I guess I feel bad for doing that. What if it were about weight? It would be inappropriate. And that is usually more possible to change. I never see anyone complaining here about they can’t get a date because of their weight, but I see guys here mention height it their list of problems getting a date. This is something some people really feel they struggle with. I am sorry. 

Yeah I don’t get why posts like this women make jokes and bash short guys and it’s cool but if men did said this about  women’s weight they’d be called pigs or horrible human beings.. for some reason it’s more acceptable to make fun of men’s physical flaws but the other way around and it’s a huge deal.

im a short dude but  jokes don’t bother me but id suspect if you made fun of some of the physical flaws of women in this thread making fun of or bashing short men they’d be outraged.. 

Edited February 4, 2020 by Pat77

[Els]

Just be polite and vague. IMO, if he was respectful and behaved like a gentleman on that date, he at least deserves to be let down politely. I definitely wouldn't go into accusations of "lying" as some here are suggesting - in all honesty I could be an inch off with my estimation of my own height, and tape measures in doctors' rooms seem to be weirdly inconsistent.

[Pat77]

11 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

The simple fact is this: women prefer tall men (6'+ is ideal), just like men prefer pretty women (10/10 is ideal). It doesn't mean that women won't date and marry shorter men, nor that men won't date and marry less pretty women. But if most people could sculpt their ideal partner from clay, those ideal men would be tall and the ideal women would be pretty.

A man cannot control the height he's born with, and a woman cannot control the facial features she was born with. Both can do certain things to maximize what they've got, but height and facial beauty are pretty much genetic lottery. The only real difference is that women can much more easily fake pretty than men can fake tall. A woman can easily fool anyone in public before the makeup comes off, including the man and any onlookers.

However, none of this excuses lying or faking. I think a man lying about his height on a dating site is equivalent to a woman lying by posting photos that do not reflect her real appearance. Pretty much every guy I ever met from a dating site said, "Wow, you look exactly like your pictures, even better in person!" like it was this special thing. Come to find out, it was! I never really understood till I read online how common it is for people to post very misleading pics. 

Trying to trick someone into liking you is never a good bet. Better is to learn to be confident with what you have and let things happen naturally. 

You make it seem like a guy just being tall makes him attractive to women  no matter what he looks like facially/build/ personality wise etc which is not the case..

Is it one advantage sure but it doesn’t guarantee anything I know plenty of tall dudes who struggle with women.. it’s not a magic potion.

[GuitarGuy7]

19 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

He was 5'6 or 5'7 at most! I felt like I was walking around with my little brother. I don't exactly feel like a lady when I'm physically much bigger than my man. 

And this is exactly why short guys are insecure about their height. 

 

19 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

How do I let him down politely? 

Don't tell him it's because he's too short. You have to remember, most short guys are pretty insecure about their height because we have society telling us that women don't find us attractive and unlike your weight, you can't do jack s*** about it.  So I can imagine if you told him that he's too short, he would understandably be pretty upset about it.   So I would instead give vague responses that are technically true but don't tell the whole story.  Below is an example of what you can say to him to get your point across while still being nice about it. 

 

"Hey (his name)

I just wanted to let you know that I think you're (insert a positive quality, or something that you found interesting about him) but I don't think we are compatible for one another in the long term. I wish you the best of luck in finding someone you would be a good match for."

 

 

The goal of rejecting someone is to be able to get your point across while still being relatively nice about it. Be honest, but don't be rude about it either. I shouldn't have to tell this crap to women, it should be common sense, yet so many women get this part wrong. 

Edited February 4, 2020 by GuitarGuy7

[Els]

12 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

The simple fact is this: women prefer tall men (6'+ is ideal)

An ex of mine was close - 5'11" would be my guess. At any rate, he was about a whole foot taller than me, which was really a drawback and not a bonus in any way. Could barely have a conversation while standing without getting a major sore neck... 😂

[Pat77]

12 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

The simple fact is this: women prefer tall men (6'+ is ideal), just like men prefer pretty women (10/10 is ideal). It doesn't mean that women won't date and marry shorter men, nor that men won't date and marry less pretty women. But if most people could sculpt their ideal partner from clay, those ideal men would be tall and the ideal women would be pretty.

A man cannot control the height he's born with, and a woman cannot control the facial features she was born with. Both can do certain things to maximize what they've got, but height and facial beauty are pretty much genetic lottery. The only real difference is that women can much more easily fake pretty than men can fake tall. A woman can easily fool anyone in public before the makeup comes off, including the man and any onlookers.

However, none of this excuses lying or faking. I think a man lying about his height on a dating site is equivalent to a woman lying by posting photos that do not reflect her real appearance. Pretty much every guy I ever met from a dating site said, "Wow, you look exactly like your pictures, even better in person!" like it was this special thing. Come to find out, it was! I never really understood till I read online how common it is for people to post very misleading pics. 

Trying to trick someone into liking you is never a good bet. Better is to learn to be confident with what you have and let things happen naturally. 

And of course everyone has ideals. In a perfect world  most men  want a lady with a big ass big breasts and flat stomach but you don’t always get your ideal.

[Kitty Tantrum]

53 minutes ago, Pat77 said:

I have no problem with your reaction but the responses from women here would probably be way different if a guy posted that a women lied about her weight and didn’t want to continue.

he would be called shallow  and/or they’d said she would be justified in lying about her weight because of how shallow men are.. where here they want the guy tarred and feathered lol.

NOPE.

If you lie about yourself to manipulate another person's attraction to you, to rope them into meeting you and considering you as a romantic prospect when they otherwise wouldn't - you deserve to get blown out of the water.

I DO think weight deserves a teensy bit more leeway for the simple fact that it CAN fluctuate. A person can easily gain ten pounds or so without even noticing it. Can't say the same of shrinking six inches. lol

But all those "secret internet fatties" deserve to hear the same thing "It's not that you're FAT, darling; fat girls lose weight all the time. The problem is that you're a LIAR, and liars don't just stop lying."

Maybe the biggest difference, and why women can get away with this more than men, is simply that men tolerate it more - or at least give the appearance of tolerating it.

When a woman meets up with a man who is significantly shorter than his claims... she doesn't usually play along and "go for the bang" anyway even though she knows she doesn't want a relationship with him. Men do that aaaaaalllllllll the time with women who are heavier than expected, not as pretty, etc. This practice reinforces that sort of deceptive behavior, because those women never hear the TRUTH. Every hookup that doesn't turn into a relationship is explained away as "it just didn't work out," or "he was a jerk," or pretty much ANYTHING besides "maybe I should lose weight and/or stop lying about my physical fitness."

Humans so dumb...

[Fletch Lives]

The only way to reject somebody without hurting them is to get them to reject you.

Tell him you are dating somebody else (you will be anyway).

It does not always work but it's the best way.

 

 

[Pat77]

12 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

NOPE.

If you lie about yourself to manipulate another person's attraction to you, to rope them into meeting you and considering you as a romantic prospect when they otherwise wouldn't - you deserve to get blown out of the water.

I DO think weight deserves a teensy bit more leeway for the simple fact that it CAN fluctuate. A person can easily gain ten pounds or so without even noticing it. Can't say the same of shrinking six inches. lol

But all those "secret internet fatties" deserve to hear the same thing "It's not that you're FAT, darling; fat girls lose weight all the time. The problem is that you're a LIAR, and liars don't just stop lying."

Maybe the biggest difference, and why women can get away with this more than men, is simply that men tolerate it more - or at least give the appearance of tolerating it.

When a woman meets up with a man who is significantly shorter than his claims... she doesn't usually play along and "go for the bang" anyway even though she knows she doesn't want a relationship with him. Men do that aaaaaalllllllll the time with women who are heavier than expected, not as pretty, etc. This practice reinforces that sort of deceptive behavior, because those women never hear the TRUTH. Every hookup that doesn't turn into a relationship is explained away as "it just didn't work out," or "he was a jerk," or pretty much ANYTHING besides "maybe I should lose weight and/or stop lying about my physical fitness."

Humans so dumb...

I’m not taking about giving a chance to the date I was referring more towards how it’s more acceptable for women to  joke or  bash  physical preferences  in men then vice versa.

Since I know how sensitive women are to it I’m surprised they do it themselves when they know it can hurt people.

 

[stillafool]

I think another

14 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

Maybe the biggest difference, and why women can get away with this more than men, is simply that men tolerate it more - or at least give the appearance of tolerating it.

I think another reason men put up with it is they have been conditioned to not hurt women's feelings.  Women cry over rejection where a man may be hurt but he just sucks it up.  In this new dating world everyone is going to have to suck it up if they can't be honest.

[Kitty Tantrum]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think another reason men put up with it is they have been conditioned to not hurt women's feelings.  Women cry over rejection where a man may be hurt but he just sucks it up.  In this new dating world everyone is going to have to suck it up if they can't be honest.

See, this is dumb. If you're not allowed to hit them anymore, what else are you supposed to do BUT hurt their feelings?! HOW ELSE THEY GONNA LEARN???

One of the big things I see in OLD is actually NOT anyone "sucking it up" - but everyone becoming more and more prone to burying the truth for the sake of others' feelings. Look at how many people in this thread seem to think that it would be INAPPROPRIATE to draw attention to the fact that this man LIED, or to let him know that's why he didn't make the cut. (Or, perhaps, this is in the NAME of considering others' feelings but in a roundabout way they just want to justify the fact that THEY LIE TOO? "Everyone else does it," etc.)

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, Pat77 said:

You make it seem like a guy just being tall makes him attractive to women  no matter what he looks like facially/build/ personality wise etc which is not the case..

I didn't say anything to suggest height is the only factor women care about. I have short friends and even they prefer tall men, 6'+. I find this a bit annoying, as I'd prefer that the short girls leave the tall men for tall women like me! But biology doesn't care.

Of course, as @Elswyth evidences, not all shorter women prefer tall men.

[Pat77]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I didn't say anything to suggest height is the only factor women care about. I have short friends and even they prefer tall men, 6'+. I find this a bit annoying, as I'd prefer that the short girls leave the tall men for tall women like me! But biology doesn't care.

Of course, as @Elswyth evidences, not all shorter women prefer tall men.

I never got the memo im 5’8 and do just fine with women.

 

[Els]

11 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

See, this is dumb. If you're not allowed to hit them anymore, what else are you supposed to do

Dafug did I just read....? 🙄

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, Pat77 said:

I never got the memo im 5’8 and do just fine with women.

That's great. It certainly wasn't my intention to discourage or disparage any man who's shorter  than 6' (or any woman who's less than a 10/10, for that matter). Just discussing facts of the mating game.

Women and men of all shapes, sizes, and appearances find love and that's wonderful.

[Ruby Slippers]

13 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

Look at how many people in this thread seem to think that it would be INAPPROPRIATE to draw attention to the fact that this man LIED, or to let him know that's why he didn't make the cut. 

I'm always confounded by how many people on this board rationalize these lies and argue it's a good idea to let it slide. As far as I'm concerned, the very notion is ludicrous.

[Kitty Tantrum]

5 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Dafug did I just read....? 🙄

A JOKE. Lordy.

[Pat77]

6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

That's great. It certainly wasn't my intention to discourage or disparage any man who's shorter  than 6' (or any woman who's less than a 10/10, for that matter). Just discussing facts of the mating game.

Women and men of all shapes, sizes, and appearances find love and that's wonderful.

You don’t need to patronize me.  My point is you can be short and still be very attractive . I’m not bragging at all I’m just saying women have been attracted to me physically all my life.. ive always attracted them easily. So maybe if you looked beyond your little  echo chamber social circle you’d realize  women can be attracted to short men tall men medium men whatever. The idea only tall men are  physically attractive to women is nonsense. I’m proof of that..

Edited February 4, 2020 by Pat77

[Els]

Edit: Never mind, lol.

Edited February 4, 2020 by Elswyth

[Allupinnit]

It would be the same as if anyone else showed up and had clearly misrepresented themselves.  Whether it weight, height, male, female, education, income, living sitch.  You like what you like, I don't think it makes you shallow, sheesh.  

I would just politely tell him you don't think you're a match and move along - I found that giving reasons just invited a rebuttal.  After one date it's not necessary.

 

[Kitty Tantrum]

Real talk, though: "act like a B***, smacked like a B***" is what I like to say - and in a civilized existence where actually smacking someone for a nonviolent transgression is not legally permissible, words OUGHT TO BE applied to maximum effect.

It's either that or just turn a progressively blinder eye to all manner of human transgression in the name of "feewings," and then watch and marvel as humanity proceeds to astound you with its immutable knack for living DOWN to whatever standard you set for it.

(edit to add: and lying about something like that, something that is so obviously discernible as a falsification... is a total B*** move, man or woman don't matter)

Edited February 4, 2020 by Kitty Tantrum

[GuitarGuy7]

2 hours ago, Pat77 said:

I never got the memo im 5’8 and do just fine with women.

 

 

5 ft 8 isn’t even short, you have nothing to complain about. There’s a big difference between being 5 ft 8 and being 5 ft 4. 

[RecentChange]

3 hours ago, Elswyth said:

An ex of mine was close - 5'11" would be my guess. At any rate, he was about a whole foot taller than me, which was really a drawback and not a bonus in any way. Could barely have a conversation while standing without getting a major sore neck... 😂

I dated a guy who was 6'6" for a bit. I am 5'6" and I found his height quite awkward! Felt like I was always looking for a step to stand on hahaha. 

[thefooloftheyear]

2 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

 

I DO think weight deserves a teensy bit more leeway for the simple fact that it CAN fluctuate. A person can easily gain ten pounds or so without even noticing it. Can't say the same of shrinking six inches. lol

 

Really?

Im a 230 lb guy and I feel (and notice) even 5 lbs....Id think ANY woman would  notice and feel 10 lbs  If people saw how much sheer volume that 10# of pure fat occupies they wouldn't believe it..

But the shorter guys need to cut the OP some slack...She's HUGE for a woman...I cant blame her for not wanting to do this...She needs the Jolly Green Giant..

TFY

Edited February 4, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[Kitty Tantrum]

I'm talking about slack in terms of numbers - obviously visual appearance is the bottom line and if she's FAT she's FAT, but fluctuations within that range  (10 lbs or so) are pretty dang normal (2-3 lb variation can be expected at different times of day), and not every gain amounts to pure fat. Nitpicking over LITERALLY TEN POUNDS would be a bit foolish. Ten pounds can go away in a matter of a couple weeks (less if it happens to be water weight - which a lot of women get at certain times during the month). Six inches of height cannot be gained in that time - nor, for most adult men, over ANY amount of time.

edit to add: my body soaks up extra water like some kinda sponge if I eat too much salt. A large Chinese takeout meal eaten over a couple of days can put 10 pounds on me easy, even if after a couple weeks my body fat is down and my weight drops lower than before (once I'm done atoning for my food-sins) because I was running a caloric deficit the whole time.

Weight fluctuation is real and unavoidable for most people. Height fluctuation ain't a thang.

(Secondary edit: except for like.. an inch or so per day. So if he's an inch shorter when he takes you to dinner than he thought he was when he wrote his profile at breakfast, cut him some slack... but 2+ inch deviation is plain false advertising.)

Edited February 4, 2020 by Kitty Tantrum