He went back to his wife after a year together !

[anika99]

13 hours ago, Beca L said:

My counsellor thinks he has some kind of attachment to her that means he can't be without her, like a security thing. He feels safe etc. However I disagree because he seemed quite happy in the 12 months we were together to be finally away from her. If my kids had been older and at university or living away he has admitted he wouldn't have gone back to her because we would have been living together. My kids spend part time with their dad and during those times he and I were very happy and living a great life, going on holiday, walks, meals out etc but I guess he didn't like it when they were back with me and he had to spend more time on his own.

It's sad when people start to regard their own family, their own children, as obstacles to their happiness. It also illustrates why most affairs are just a trip to fantasy island, an escape from real life and facts. Your relationship with the MM was great as long as reality was being kept at bay. Holidays, walks, dining out, throw in passion and great sex and that sounds like bliss but not real. Most romantic relationships start out in this state of euphoric infatuation but that's not sustainable. At some point that infatuation either transitions into true mature abiding love or it fizzles out. Saying you and the MM were very happy without his kids, your kids, his ex, etc, is like the opposite of real happiness. Happiness that requires real life and real people not get in the way isn't happiness, it's fantasy. 

And I agree with Allupinnit. After so many years with his wife she has become family to him. He loves her but not in the infatuated way he felt for you. Our family relationships are complicated. Family members don't put us on pedestals, they are not amazed by our wonderfulness, our beauty, our intelligence or witty sense of humor. They know us, flaws and all. They annoy us, we annoy them, sometimes we downright can't stand each other. Family relationships have moments of joy, excitement, tenderness, but mostly they are mundane and uneventful. But our families, for all their flaws and shortcomings, are the ones who love us in spite of all our flaws and shortcomings. Family ties are rather boring but the roots are deep and (thankfully)are not easily severed. 

The MM ran away from home to live out a fantasy with you and the fantasy got stale, especially when reality seeped in. He realized that it wasn't possible to remain in a state of  romantic bliss with you. After a year together he began to see that there was going to be real life problems no matter where he ran so may as well go home. Now he wants the best of both worlds. He wants to be home with his family, enjoying the comfort and security of those relationships, and he wants you to be his little escape from the mundane reality of daily life. He doesn't want to be your loyal partner through the good and bad, he doesn't want to go through the valleys with you, he doesn't accept all of you, he only wants the part of you that makes him feel good. He likes you when your life is all about him. Your kids are annoying obstacles. He doesn't want to deal with their feelings or put in the time and effort to gain their acceptance. He's got enough of that with his  wife and his own kids, he doesn't want to put up with your family crap too. He didn't run away from home for that, it was supposed to be all about him and making him feel good. 

Does that sound like happiness to you? You and the MM were living a great life so long as there was nothing about you that brought him a moment of discomfort. So long as you were readily available to take walks, go on holidays and dine out everything was wonderful. Well of course it was, why wouldn't it be? But there is more to you and your life than just the MM and that's where it fell apart. So no, that's not a great life, that's not a path to happiness. That's the path to misery. 

[stillafool]

I wish OW would stop buying the "I can't leave  because I will lose my kids" speech.  It's' utter nonsense.  They will not lose their kids unless they've been abusive towards them.  They are entitled to shared custody.  There are thousands of divorced people sharing custody of their children every day.

[pepperbird]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I wish OW would stop buying the "I can't leave  because I will lose my kids" speech.  It's' utter nonsense.  They will not lose their kids unless they've been abusive towards them.  They are entitled to shared custody.  There are thousands of divorced people sharing custody of their children every day.

It's actually quite ridiculous. "Honey, I love you, hut I can;t leave because it will hurt my kids" all while they are doing the one bloody thing taht had a really high chance of ending their marriage and hurting their kids in a way that goes well beyond the way they would have been if they had just been honest with their spouse that they weren't happy.

Hmmm....makes me wonder if they really were that unhappy after all.

[stillafool]

I agree Pepperbird and also if they were so crazy about the kids they would be spending their free time with them instead of boinking some OW.  I can't believe anyone would fall for that statement.

[heartwhole2]

I don't think these reflections about MM losing their kids apply here because the MM has adult children and they did in fact stop speaking to him after he moved out. What I find less understandable about this MM is his unwillingness to respect the OP's relationship with her children and love them by association. He sounds entitled, whiney, and self-absorbed.

[Blind-Sided]

19 hours ago, S2B said:

................

and never date ANY man who doesn’t have his divorce FINALIZED!

Married men lie... this one especially - he’s full of crap.

OK... I would tend to agree with the statement to not date anyone who isn't actually divorced yet. To me that's 1) Cheating on a spouse and 2) They aren't done with the marriage, and there is always the chance that you are just a rebound anyway.

To the point of "Married Men Lie"... I have to call BS on that.  There are just as many stories in this forum of women who lie to be in an affair as there are men. AND... out of my entire group of friends... I can honestly say... none of my guy friends have had an affair... but 2 of my female friends have. One is now grieving that her husband is done, and probably getting ready to divorce her... the other wants out, but doesn't want her kids to go through the same BS mine have gone through.

Anyway... I feel bad that your MM/BF decided to go back.  After that much time... and the divorce being filed... and the damage or a reputation has been done... I don't know how he would feel that going back would be the answer.

All I can say is, I'm sorry for what you are going though.

[notmyfinestmoment]

OP, everything is not black and white, and not all situations or people are the same, so keep that in mind.    There are several different kinds of affairs and not all WS's are habitual cheaters.   Anyone who has ever been through a divorce knows it is not an easy process and most struggle with "am I doing the right thing" even if a third party is not involved.   In certain affairs (ones that are not "planned" or sought out), I think both people get in way over their heads without thinking through the consequences (see limerance).  When the WS thinks they can move forward, then the reality of that situation comes to light.   They pull back.  Then the withdraw symptoms occur (missing you) and they think they can move forward again, but reality slaps them again and they pull back yet again.   Unfortunately, when you have that strong connection, it is hard to cut it off.  But at some point, you will have no other choice but to walk away.   

Post divorce, I have found that some of the men I have dated, struggle with the kids factor and not because they don't like them, it's a lifestyle thing.  For example, a man who is in his 40's and has never been married or had children will find it difficult to acclimate  to family life.   A man who is divorced (and now no longer lives with his children, has visitation, but does not live with them every day), struggles with the idea of living with your kids, but not his own.   And to dovetail on this, a man who is divorced whose kids are over 18, they have a lot more free time on their hands and want to spend more time with their SO, but as a single mother of younger kids, you don't have every day to give them....it is every other weekend and one night during the week.....and they struggle with that.      So even if their isn't an Affair involved, dating is difficult.  

I am really sorry for what you are going through.  I am right there myself.   I have to hope with time and some healthy boundaries built that the question of "why" won't matter to us anymore.  It's a terrible situation to get into and as many times as people warn you, you have to learn your own lessons at your own pace.  Not sure if this will help, but I am trying to get to a place where I can think "if a family can be saved, it should".  Should it have come at the cost of my heart?  No!  But at the same time, I shouldn't have ever allowed it to start.   I know exactly where you were when you started though (I had been divorced several years, with 3 kids).  When someone shows you those kinds of feelings, it feels amazing and you lose site of the whole situation.    I had always been like most (never dated someone separated or newly divorced because of the risk)....all I can think is that I was in a really vulnerable place when this all started (as it sounds like you were too).   Forgive yourself...and you will have to find a way to forgive him so that you can let it go.   Remember that not all people are out there to maliciously hurt people.   Your WS may have been in a dark place himself (having a difficult time in his marriage) and got caught up in all of it too.    

You will get there eventually (I have to believe that).    Hugs!

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

I don't think these reflections about MM losing their kids apply here because the MM has adult children and they did in fact stop speaking to him after he moved out. 

OMG you're right.  The "I will lose my kids" doesn't even apply here.  The kids are grown and gone.  Normally children of divorced people are hurt at first but most (especially adult children) eventually accept it and resume a relationship with their parent out of love.  Happens all the time even with younger kids.

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, Beca L said:

He has told me that he regrets going back and he misses me and wishes things could be different. We have had an on and off relationship over the last 2 years which I am ashamed of but I've done it because he kept promising or indicating that he will leave her again.

You should tell his wife this so she will know she wasted her time going back to a cheater.

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, anika99 said:

The MM ran away from home to live out a fantasy with you and the fantasy got stale, especially when reality seeped in. He realized that it wasn't possible to remain in a state of  romantic bliss with you. After a year together he began to see that there was going to be real life problems no matter where he ran so may as well go home. Now he wants the best of both worlds. He wants to be home with his family, enjoying the comfort and security of those relationships, and he wants you to be his little escape from the mundane reality of daily life. He doesn't want to be your loyal partner through the good and bad, he doesn't want to go through the valleys with you, he doesn't accept all of you, he only wants the part of you that makes him feel good. He likes you when your life is all about him. Your kids are annoying obstacles. He doesn't want to deal with their feelings or put in the time and effort to gain their acceptance. He's got enough of that with his  wife and his own kids, he doesn't want to put up with your family crap too. He didn't run away from home for that, it was supposed to be all about him and making him feel good. 

Thanks. It has taken me the past 2 years to recognise all that you mentioned and I agree with all that you have said. He is an extremely weak man and he'd been through the teenage years with his own kids and they had all left home so he certainly wasn't about to go through it all again with my kids. A close friend of his told him at the beginning of our relationship that it wasn't just me but me and my three kids he was involved with but he didn't really think about what he was getting involved in and he was naive. Shame he caused all this pain for everyone. 

I want someone who will love me and my family and will do whatever they can to be with me and he unfortunately isn't that person.  

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You should tell his wife this so she will know she wasted her time going back to a cheater.

I have considered this so many times. I have emails from him on their anniversary, xmas and holidays were he is telling me how much he loves me and sending me quotes from songs and poems etc but I don't think she would do anything. Lets face it she took him back after he had spent 12 months practically living with me and after she had been made to sell the family home that they had owned for 12 years. If I did that I would be made out as the crazy bitch whore and he would tell colleagues at work and it would be my reputation in tatters. So I have walked away with my dignity!

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

OMG you're right.  The "I will lose my kids" doesn't even apply here.  The kids are grown and gone.  Normally children of divorced people are hurt at first but most (especially adult children) eventually accept it and resume a relationship with their parent out of love.  Happens all the time even with younger kids.

At the point he went back home, he had "lost" two of his sons. He didn't know if they were going to forgive him or not. 
They may have accepted it or not, nothing is guaranteed.
He may indeed have lost them for life. Some families never heal after infidelity and divorce.
Some people have the capacity to forgive and forget. some will never forgive or forget.
"Love" doesn't conquer all.
He obviously was not prepared to test that one out.
He returned to the fold and his errant sons decided to play happy families again...

Did he return "for the kids", probably not the whole story, but "losing" adult children is a big deal to many.
Little kids may at some point come back once they grow up, but once adult children have made a decision it may be very difficult to turn them around.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Beca L said:

I have considered this so many times. I have emails from him on their anniversary, xmas and holidays were he is telling me how much he loves me and sending me quotes from songs and poems etc but I don't think she would do anything. Lets face it she took him back after he had spent 12 months practically living with me and after she had been made to sell the family home that they had owned for 12 years. If I did that I would be made out as the crazy bitch whore and he would tell colleagues at work and it would be my reputation in tatters. So I have walked away with my dignity!

Not if you show her the proof.  You said yourself she had let it go and was moving on so there's no telling what lies he told her to get her back.  You should very well let her know he was lying to her.  She thinks he's changed but he hasn't.  She deserves to know this.

[Allupinnit]

2 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I have considered this so many times. I have emails from him on their anniversary, xmas and holidays were he is telling me how much he loves me and sending me quotes from songs and poems etc but I don't think she would do anything. Lets face it she took him back after he had spent 12 months practically living with me and after she had been made to sell the family home that they had owned for 12 years. If I did that I would be made out as the crazy bitch whore and he would tell colleagues at work and it would be my reputation in tatters. So I have walked away with my dignity!

Just so you know, as an outsider looking in this seems so incredibly sociopathic.  You need to get away from this man.

[Beca L]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

OMG you're right.  The "I will lose my kids" doesn't even apply here.  The kids are grown and gone.  Normally children of divorced people are hurt at first but most (especially adult children) eventually accept it and resume a relationship with their parent out of love.  Happens all the time even with younger kids.

Completely agree here. This has been one of the hardest things for me to accept because it is just him and her in their NEW house together and their children don't even live nearby. Nearest child is 2 hours drive away. The only explanation I can come up with is that he didn't have that great a relationship with them before this happened and he needs her to enable him to have any sort of relationship with them.  His youngest son has only really started being close with him over the last 8 months. She would make damn sure they would have nothing to do with him if he left again so he's trapped, or so he says. A prisoner so to speak, but if you love someone else you should never stay out of duty or obligation. His wife deserves so much better as well but she just accepts it. More fool her. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Did he return "for the kids", probably not the whole story, but "losing" adult children is a big deal to many.
Little kids may at some point come back once they grow up, but once adult children have made a decision it may be very difficult to turn them around.

He could have gotten his own place and still see his grown kids.  He can explain that he just isn't in love with Mom anymore.  They would have to get over it.  Would they want their mother to be with someone who no longer loves her?

[Beca L]

4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Just so you know, as an outsider looking in this seems so incredibly sociopathic.  You need to get away from this man.

I am, totally !!!!!

how can he send those types of messages and then still share a bed with her?  It is sick. I was blinded by love but no more. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Completely agree here. This has been one of the hardest things for me to accept because it is just him and her in their NEW house together and their children don't even live nearby. Nearest child is 2 hours drive away. 

He's so full of it!

[Beca L]

Just now, stillafool said:

He could have gotten his own place and still see his grown kids.  He can explain that he just isn't in love with Mom anymore.  They would have to get over it.  Would they want their mother to be with someone who no longer loves her?

I don't want anyone to take my comment with any offence. What I haven't mentioned is that all 3 adult sons are gay and very close to their mum. They would never forgive him if he left again. From what I know of her she is a very dominant and controlling women. She physically attacked him when he went over to the family home during his time with me. She smashed up 2 of his run around cheap cars with an axe and she turned all 3 boys against him after he walked out. I think their family are a little screwed up and I most definitely dodged a bullet. 

[Beca L]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

At the point he went back home, he had "lost" two of his sons. He didn't know if they were going to forgive him or not.

I know one son is speaking with him but the eldest son was an emotional crutch to the mum over the 12 months he was away and I don't think that he can move past what he did. MM had also told me that this son was slightly estranged from him before I was ever involved with him. I think MM had neglected all the family for a few years before I was involved because he was so unhappy and he just did his own thing. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Beca L said:

I know one son is speaking with him but the eldest son was an emotional crutch to the mum over the 12 months he was away and I don't think that he can move past what he did. MM had also told me that this son was slightly estranged from him before I was ever involved with him. I think MM had neglected all the family for a few years before I was involved because he was so unhappy and he just did his own thing. 

I definitely don't think THIS man went back for his boys.  Did the wife start seeing another man once she had decided to move on?  

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

OP, everything is not black and white, and not all situations or people are the same, so keep that in mind.    There are several different kinds of affairs and not all WS's are habitual cheaters.   Anyone who has ever been through a divorce knows it is not an easy process and most struggle with "am I doing the right thing" even if a third party is not involved.   In certain affairs (ones that are not "planned" or sought out), I think both people get in way over their heads without thinking through the consequences (see limerance).  When the WS thinks they can move forward, then the reality of that situation comes to light.   They pull back.  Then the withdraw symptoms occur (missing you) and they think they can move forward again, but reality slaps them again and they pull back yet again.   Unfortunately, when you have that strong connection, it is hard to cut it off.  But at some point, you will have no other choice but to walk away.   

Post divorce, I have found that some of the men I have dated, struggle with the kids factor and not because they don't like them, it's a lifestyle thing.  For example, a man who is in his 40's and has never been married or had children will find it difficult to acclimate  to family life.   A man who is divorced (and now no longer lives with his children, has visitation, but does not live with them every day), struggles with the idea of living with your kids, but not his own.   And to dovetail on this, a man who is divorced whose kids are over 18, they have a lot more free time on their hands and want to spend more time with their SO, but as a single mother of younger kids, you don't have every day to give them....it is every other weekend and one night during the week.....and they struggle with that.      So even if their isn't an Affair involved, dating is difficult.  

I am really sorry for what you are going through.  I am right there myself.   I have to hope with time and some healthy boundaries built that the question of "why" won't matter to us anymore.  It's a terrible situation to get into and as many times as people warn you, you have to learn your own lessons at your own pace.  Not sure if this will help, but I am trying to get to a place where I can think "if a family can be saved, it should".  Should it have come at the cost of my heart?  No!  But at the same time, I shouldn't have ever allowed it to start.   I know exactly where you were when you started though (I had been divorced several years, with 3 kids).  When someone shows you those kinds of feelings, it feels amazing and you lose site of the whole situation.    I had always been like most (never dated someone separated or newly divorced because of the risk)....all I can think is that I was in a really vulnerable place when this all started (as it sounds like you were too).   Forgive yourself...and you will have to find a way to forgive him so that you can let it go.   Remember that not all people are out there to maliciously hurt people.   Your WS may have been in a dark place himself (having a difficult time in his marriage) and got caught up in all of it too.    

You will get there eventually (I have to believe that).    Hugs!

Thank you so much for taking the time to send this reply and it all makes sense and I agree with everything you mentioned. MM has said on so many times that he gets to the edge of the cliff but he just can't jump. WE have been in this cycle for the last 2 years. I do believe he would rather be with me but as he has said on many occasions that he is the architect of this awfulness and so much damage has been done its impossible to change everything. I do try to think that I am saving a family but I'm not sure I am. Kids are very selfish and want to have two parents but ultimately both him and his wife are unhappy and I don't know if they will stay together forever. That type of misery is unsustainable. I'm just going to move on and try to forget that this has happened to me. 

[Beca L]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I definitely don't think THIS man went back for his boys.  Did the wife start seeing another man once she had decided to move on?  

Yes, after 8 months she started dating an old boyfriend from her school days, she is 55. He was also dumped like me however he took it much worse and he tried to kill himself and ended up in hospital. Both MM and MW have caused so much heart ache. They both make me sick.

[stillafool]

Oh, so it's perfectly fine with their boys if the mom dates someone.  Did they also stop talking to her during her dating phase?  He tried to kill himself, my goodness, how long did they date?

8 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I do believe he would rather be with me but as he has said on many occasions that he is the architect of this awfulness and so much damage has been done its impossible to change everything.

You would be foolish to believe this.  There is nothing keeping him from being with you other than himself.  He's enjoying his life.

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Anyway... I feel bad that your MM/BF decided to go back.  After that much time... and the divorce being filed... and the damage or a reputation has been done... I don't know how he would feel that going back would be the answer.

All I can say is, I'm sorry for what you are going though.

Thanks. I don't really know why he went back. I think he thought he could replicate the feelings he had about me with his wife and they could have this new life together. She had lost weight and was in a better place. However the reality is that he doesn't fancy her anymore and he realised 6-8 months in that he'd made a mistake but by then they had bought and £230,000 house and his boys were speaking to him again so he was scared to leave. They are more like brother and sister or mum and son than a married couple. In the beginning ho told me he wanted to change his life but in reality he doesn't have the guts. Whimp.....fact !