He went back to his wife after a year together !

[Beca L]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Oh, so it's perfectly fine with their boys if the mom dates someone.  Did they also stop talking to her during her dating phase?  He tried to kill himself, my goodness, how long did they date?

I don't think they liked him and only the youngest son actually met him. They only dated about 6 months but he moved house and jobs to be near her (5 hours away). 

Its a mess. When I talk about everything that has happened I realise how mental it all is. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

36 minutes ago, Beca L said:

From what I know of her she is a very dominant and controlling women. She physically attacked him when he went over to the family home during his time with me. She smashed up 2 of his run around cheap cars with an axe and she turned all 3 boys against him after he walked out. I think their family are a little screwed up and I most definitely dodged a bullet. 

So what we have is perhaps two unhealthy people, in an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. Think of it this way, relationships with these kinds of dynamics are often the hardest to leave. Similar to an abused woman, who tries to leave for so long, finally does leave, and then goes back... and the cycle continues indefinitely...

People do things differently when they are healthy and whole. It would seem, these two are not done making each other miserable...

Edited February 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

I don't think these reflections about MM losing their kids apply here because the MM has adult children and they did in fact stop speaking to him after he moved out. What I find less understandable about this MM is his unwillingness to respect the OP's relationship with her children and love them by association. He sounds entitled, whiney, and self-absorbed.

Yes, he is. He thought that after he left her my kids would welcome him and he could move in here. I only have a small house and we realised that wouldn't work. Plus my kids had never seen me with anyone other than their dad so they didn't like it and didn't want him coming over all the time, he couldn't handle that. Also he though his own kids would accept the fact that he'd left and still communicate with him. However when they saw how devastated their mum was they turned against him. He was so naive, stupid and very selfish. 

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

So what we have is perhaps two unhealthy people, in an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship.

Couldn't agree more. I'm definitely well out of it. I could kick myself that I hadn't realised that at the very beginning. I would never have got involved, I feel such a fool sometimes and so very stupid. 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Normally children of divorced people are hurt at first but most (especially adult children) eventually accept it and resume a relationship with their parent out of love.  Happens all the time even with younger kids

I kept trying to tell him this but he never wanted to put in any work to try and build bridges. He got cross when they were rude to him or ignored his calls. I think he went back because she ultimately was the only one who could make them speak to him again. He's put zero effort in to his marriage or his kids since he went back. She has done all the hard work. 

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Oh, so it's perfectly fine with their boys if the mom dates someone.  Did they also stop talking to her during her dating phase?  He tried to kill himself, my goodness, how long did they date?

Completely different situation.
She was lied to and cheated on and dumped by her husband, she can legitimately."date".
He was the "dirty rotten scoundrel" that was fooling around with another woman behind everyone's back... he hurt and upset their mother.

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Completely different situation.
She was lied to and cheated on and dumped by her husband, she can legitimately."date".
He was the "dirty rotten scoundrel" that was fooling around with another woman behind everyone's back... he hurt and upset their mother.

Seems unfair but it's true. The sons didn't like it but were more accepting of it. The sad truth is that a few weeks before he left her(back in Dec 2016) he spoke frankly to 2 of the sons that he was thinking of leaving the mum. He didn't mention me and they both said that they thought it was a good idea as they had been unhappy for so long and that the atmosphere at home was toxic and unbearable. I think if she had reacted differently after he had left then things may have been different but we'll never know. He was scared to leave without a backup plan and I was that plan but he didn't really think it through. He basically just considered his own needs and went ahead regardless of his families. 

[Beca L]

16 hours ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

All you can do now it try to pick up the pieces and find a way to let him go.   It takes time....lots and lots of time.   And unfortunately, you will have to go through all of the heartache and pain, in a sense grieving a death.  One day you might be ok, the next 3 not.   

It would probably be better if you can tell him not to contact you while he is trying to sort it all out.  Easier said than done though.   But if you continue to watch his situation unfold from the bleachers, you are going to get more hurt than you already have been.   You are looking out for him and his best interests, but at the end of the day, who is looking out for yours?  You need to find a way to put your happiness first.  I know you love him and you don't want to let him go because of that amazing connection (and boy, do we know how that connection feels), but at the end of the day, he is choosing to stay where he is (for whatever reason).  Find a way to dust yourself off...and know it will take a lot of time (the first couple of months are nothing short of awful).  You are going to cry (ALOT), expect that.   That is why Affairs are so hard to recover from....in a normal break-up, you have reached a point where you are ready to end things.   With an Affair, you are trying to let go at the height of everything.   It is hard...and you will be left wondering WHY?  WHY? WHY?   And unfortunately, you may never get that answer.   

Find a way to love yourself enough to walk away.   Hang in there, keep posting!  We will help get you through it.

Thank you so much for the support and words of encouragement. I do cry most days and it's tough. I'm trying to put myself first and believe I deserve so much better, which I do. I'm sorry if you are also suffering from something similar. That is why I came to this forum because only someone who has been through this experience truly understands the heartache and pain that people go though. 

[elaine567]

So eight months after he left, she asks for a divorce, puts the house on the market and finds herself another man..
4 months later he is back home.
I guess he didn't like her "moving on".

[preraph]

I would stop even referring to this man is someone who loves you or his wife. His actions show otherwise. He may feel strongly possessive of one or both of you, but his actions are not of someone who loves deeply because you don't hurt the people you love if you can avoid it. There are plenty of people who don't really have capacity for deep love. And there are plenty who don't have a high empathy index. 

[FMW]

27 minutes ago, Beca L said:

He's put zero effort in to his marriage or his kids since he went back. She has done all the hard work. 

No one but the two of them know what's really going on.  If you really want to move on and get over this, stop believing only the storyline that supports him truly loving you but choosing to stay with his wife out of duty and for his sons.  

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, FMW said:

  If you really want to move on and get over this, stop believing only the storyline that supports him truly loving you but choosing to stay with his wife out of duty and for his sons. 

I agree.
He was with this woman for 30+ years, he was little more than a child when he met her. married at 22.
He has known her his entire adult life.
He can't just forget all that.
He probably feels he can't live with her at times, but obviously he can't live without her either.

Loving you, if he indeed he did love you, just wasn't enough.

[S2B]

You really only know his side of things - and he isn’t believable. 
 

until you ask her directly - her side - you won’t know the full story.

generally any marriage shows evidence of how much effort (or lack of) is put INTO that relationship.

he is definitely half to blame for the lack of anything... and to blame for the success or lack of that moving forward to repair the damage he helped create.

 

 

[LIRR88]

This whole situation is a hot mess. First off I’m sorry this guy played with your emotions like this. Like someone above mentioned, these two seem like dysfunctional unhealthy people. I think you should seek therapy and move on with your life, you should not settle for being anyone’s second choice. His wife must be a real dummy, to take back a cheater after he’s been living with his mistress for a year, zero self respect. You’re also gonna look like a big dummy if you keep this going, it’s obvious this guy is a loser and a coward. The whole “I can’t leave because of my kids” is absolutely garbage, there are plenty of divorced dads. A girl I knew from elementary school who happens to be a single mom is now dating a divorced guy that has a child around the same age as hers and they seem very happy, so don’t believe the hype because that’s how MM reel you in, the classic sob story. You might not see it now but you dodged a bullet my friend.

[mark clemson]

 

4 hours ago, Beca L said:

 From what I know of her she is a very dominant and controlling women. She physically attacked him when he went over to the family home during his time with me. She smashed up 2 of his run around cheap cars with an axe and she turned all 3 boys against him after he walked out. I think their family are a little screwed up and I most definitely dodged a bullet. 

3 hours ago, Beca L said:

 The sad truth is that a few weeks before he left her(back in Dec 2016) he spoke frankly to 2 of the sons that he was thinking of leaving the mum. He didn't mention me and they both said that they thought it was a good idea as they had been unhappy for so long and that the atmosphere at home was toxic and unbearable.

Not at all shocking to hear. Some folks love the narrative of the poor innocent BS and the evil WS. Sometimes it's true, no doubt but - it ain't necessarily so.

Sounds like perhaps you were the band aid on this guy's trainwreck of a marriage. The emails and so forth on holidays make sense too. Maybe sociopathy, but maybe sneaky revenge on the woman who's been bossing him around and emasculating him for decades.

It adds up in a way - he went back (after all that) because of his codependence. She took him back because of the ego sting of the man she doesn't respect leaving, plus she is attached to her favorite emotional chewtoy. And divorce is expensive and big pain in the *ss (for both of them). And the kids...

 

2 hours ago, S2B said:

You really only know his side of things - and he isn’t believable.    until you ask her directly - her side - you won’t know the full story.

As true as that is, if the wife IS an emotional abuser, we could hardly expect her to be honest about it to anyone, let alone OW here. Oh yes, she buttered his bread for him and tucked him into bed for years, boo hoo.

If she smashed up his cars, who knows what she's capable of doing to "the enemy" OW should she be stupid enough to dare to come try to talk to her.

 @Beca L  it's good you've given up on this. You are not going to get past his (probable) co-dependence. Only he can do that (and he probably won't).

One more thing to think about - I've heard it said that "broken attracts broken". Think that's probably very true in this case - not just him and her but this new BF of the wife who attempted suicide as well. All sound broken.

So ask yourself - what were YOU doing in this toxic mix? Consider if it's perhaps time to reflect back on your life and relationships? You accepted the place of an OW, believed the lies, stayed in denial, were "in love" with a dysfunctional, pushed around "wimp".

Maybe it's time to look inward a bit before hopefully moving on to something new (and presumably a LOT healthier)...

Edited February 5, 2020 by mark clemson

[Starswillshine]

Forget everything this man has ever told you. Look at his actions. 

At first, he leaves his wife to be with you. Under normal circumstances, this seems like a man who is doing the right thing.... 

But then... he goes back? Honey, dont believe the idea that the only reason he went back because she is the only one that could facilitate a relationship with his kids. That is one of the most piss poor reasonings I have heard yet. He left. He did the hard work. They sold the house, etc. 

He went back to his wife because he wanted to be back with his wife. The end. His actions show and prove this. His words to you only show he still wants some side action. 

What a rollercoaster. I'm sorry you went through this. 

[Beca L]

27 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

it's good you've given up on this. You are not going to get past his (probable) co-dependence. Only he can do that (and he probably won't).

One more thing to think about - I've heard it said that "broken attracts broken". Think that's probably very true in this case - not just him and her but this new BF of the wife who attempted suicide as well. All sound broken.

So ask yourself - what were YOU doing in this toxic mix? Consider if it's perhaps time to reflect back on your life and relationships? You accepted the place of an OW, believed the lies, stayed in denial, were "in love" with a dysfunctional, pushed around "wimp".

Maybe it's time to look inward a bit before hopefully moving on to something new (and presumably a LOT healthier)...

I have come to terms with the fact that yes I am probably broken as well and if I was when I started the relationship with him over 3 years ago I am so much more broken now. 

I had a difficult relationship with my ex husband and I realise I have very low self respect and self worth and can't believe I have put up with all this crap from him over the last 2 years. I feel so foolish and embarrassed that I have taken all his lies and kept hanging on waiting for him to leave her. Being a single mum is very lonely at times and have no family living nearby so I guess I was desperate for anything he was willing to offer. 

[Beca L]

5 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

He went back to his wife because he wanted to be back with his wife. The end. His actions show and prove this. His words to you only show he still wants some side action. 

This is like a stab in the heart but most probably true. Nothing he has done really makes any sense and I guess I will never really know why he went back.

I hate the thought of revenge but I hope that he spends the rest of his life regretting what he has done and that I can move on to someone far more worthy of my love. 

[Starswillshine]

Just now, Beca L said:

This is like a stab in the heart but most probably true. Nothing he has done really makes any sense and I guess I will never really know why he went back.

I hate the thought of revenge but I hope that he spends the rest of his life regretting what he has done and that I can move on to someone far more worthy of my love. 

You are worthy of more love than this man has offered. ❤️

[Beca L]

41 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Sounds like perhaps you were the band aid on this guy's trainwreck of a marriage. The emails and so forth on holidays make sense too. Maybe sociopathy, but maybe sneaky revenge on the woman who's been bossing him around and emasculating him for decades.

Definitely sneaky and just terrible. It's a shame that they are both codependent. Life is so short to waste it on someone who maybe dreaming or always thinking of another. I would rather be on my own forever than spend my days with someone who is indifferent towards me and spends their time wishing they could be somewhere else.  

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, LIRR88 said:

This whole situation is a hot mess. First off I’m sorry this guy played with your emotions like this. Like someone above mentioned, these two seem like dysfunctional unhealthy people. I think you should seek therapy and move on with your life, you should not settle for being anyone’s second choice. His wife must be a real dummy, to take back a cheater after he’s been living with his mistress for a year, zero self respect. You’re also gonna look like a big dummy if you keep this going, it’s obvious this guy is a loser and a coward. The whole “I can’t leave because of my kids” is absolutely garbage, there are plenty of divorced dads. A girl I knew from elementary school who happens to be a single mom is now dating a divorced guy that has a child around the same age as hers and they seem very happy, so don’t believe the hype because that’s how MM reel you in, the classic sob story. You might not see it now but you dodged a bullet my friend.

Thank you for the support. I am seeing a counsellor and trying my best to move on. I sometimes feel sorry for the wife because anyone who could take back someone who has treated them this bad must be pretty desperate (me included) but he has lied to her constantly over the last 3 years and I honestly don't know if she generally has no idea or is she knows exactly what has been happening and chooses to turn a blind eye. 

[Beca L]

54 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

3 hours ago, S2B said:

You really only know his side of things - and he isn’t believable.    until you ask her directly - her side - you won’t know the full story.

As true as that is, if the wife IS an emotional abuser, we could hardly expect her to be honest about it to anyone, let alone OW here. Oh yes, she buttered his bread for him and tucked him into bed for years, boo hoo.

If she smashed up his cars, who knows what she's capable of doing to "the enemy" OW should she be stupid enough to dare to come try to talk to her.

I had a couple of letters from her and a few messages on Facebook and the odd phone message over the past 2 years. As you can imagine the messages were always very aggressive, lots of swearing. I would never consider actually confronting her, I would probably end up in hospital !!! 

[Beca L]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I agree.
He was with this woman for 30+ years, he was little more than a child when he met her. married at 22.
He has known her his entire adult life.
He can't just forget all that.
He probably feels he can't live with her at times, but obviously he can't live without her either.

Loving you, if he indeed he did love you, just wasn't enough.

I realise now how stupid and naive I was at the beginning. To think that he could walk away from the only relationship he had ever had, the only person he had loved and grown up with. I didn't realise he would find it hard to move on from her. He wanted to be friends with her and still have contact but she said that she wouldn't want to have anything to do with him ever. I guess he couldn't cope with not having her in his life. As their boys have left home there would be no reason for them to ever get together in the future if he had stayed with me. He felt like he had lost his family, his rock and he couldn't cope with that. Someone said early, I just wasn't enough for him. That is so true. 

[Beca L]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

So eight months after he left, she asks for a divorce, puts the house on the market and finds herself another man..
4 months later he is back home.
I guess he didn't like her "moving on".

He originally applied for the divorce but in the UK the cheating spouse cannot apply for the divorce on the grounds of adultery only the cheated on spouse can apply, so he had to apply on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. (of her that is) AS you can imagine she lost the plot, but he had no other choice. She then put in her own application on the grounds of adultery which he agreed to.  The sale of the house coincided with Xmas and also the anniversary of him leaving and it was like a perfect storm of emotions. Spending days in the house packing up their belongings together just broke his heart, apparently !!! If he had just dealt with those feelings and tried to push through them then there may have been a different outcome. Instead they reconciled and I was just dumped totally out of the blue. It has affected my family greatly. My youngest daughter who was 8-9 at the time became very attached to him and he was there one day and gone the next. She didn't seem him again for another 18 months when she was at our school for a transition day and she bumped in to him in the corridor. My son hates him because he has witnessed all the pain he has caused me. The worst thing is he teaches my son chemistry and he has him twice a week. The whole thing is a nightmare !!!

[S2B]

If he lied to her then he also lied to you.

 

i hope your therapist can help you gain the confidence to know you deserve so much better than this MM!

happy job hunting!

ive learned - don’t date where you work!