notmyfinestmoment Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 But you ARE enough for someone! And once you get healthy and build some healthy boundaries (I am doing the same, no judgement here), you will attract a healthy partner. I know that is hard to see right now, because you had never felt a connection like that before. But I have to hope that once you close the door to that unhealthy relationship, you open up the possibilities to a new relationship where all of your needs are met. I read something on here once that said "screw how you feel...consider what do you want, need, desire, & deserve". VERY TRUE! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Stop wasting your energy analyzing him, his wife, and their marriage. Put your energy and focus completely on you and your child/children. Your life. Your goals, what makes you happy. Thinking about him/them steals energy and time from your life. You'll never understand why he did/does anything he's done. And honestly, it just doesn't matter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 6, 2020 Author Share Posted February 6, 2020 36 minutes ago, S2B said: If he lied to her then he also lied to you. i hope your therapist can help you gain the confidence to know you deserve so much better than this MM! happy job hunting! ive learned - don’t date where you work! Yes I've learnt a terrible lesson here and I feel so foolish that I was taken in by his lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 6, 2020 Author Share Posted February 6, 2020 31 minutes ago, FMW said: Stop wasting your energy analyzing him, his wife, and their marriage. Put your energy and focus completely on you and your child/children. Your life. Your goals, what makes you happy. Thinking about him/them steals energy and time from your life. You'll never understand why he did/does anything he's done. And honestly, it just doesn't matter. Thanks great advice. I am aware that I have done far too much of that and I am really trying to stop doing it. I guess it will take time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 6, 2020 Author Share Posted February 6, 2020 40 minutes ago, notmyfinestmoment said: But you ARE enough for someone! And once you get healthy and build some healthy boundaries (I am doing the same, no judgement here), you will attract a healthy partner. I know that is hard to see right now, because you had never felt a connection like that before. But I have to hope that once you close the door to that unhealthy relationship, you open up the possibilities to a new relationship where all of your needs are met. I read something on here once that said "screw how you feel...consider what do you want, need, desire, & deserve". VERY TRUE! Thank you so much. I am so grateful for all the supportive comments and positive vibes. It is good to know that people understand what I really feel like inside and sympathise because they have also been there. Trying to be positive and look to the future. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 9 hours ago, Beca L said: . My son hates him because he has witnessed all the pain he has caused me. The worst thing is he teaches my son chemistry and he has him twice a week. Be careful here. I know a guy whose father used to beat him up regularly as child/young adult, but whilst he grew to kind of understand and even respect his father (tough life, poor upbringing, bad role models, culture etc.) He actually then grew to actually hate his mother, because she didn't protect him, she didn't remove him from that toxic situation and that he felt was her job to do as a mother... This is not a good situation for your kids to be in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 10 hours ago, Beca L said: I had a difficult relationship with my ex husband and I realise I have very low self respect and self worth and can't believe I have put up with all this crap from him over the last 2 years. I feel so foolish and embarrassed that I have taken all his lies and kept hanging on waiting for him to leave her. Being a single mum is very lonely at times and have no family living nearby so I guess I was desperate for anything he was willing to offer This is a common story. Had you been a woman in a good marriage with a healthy degree of self esteem, you would never have got involved, you would have kept him at arm's length and told him to go back to his wife the very first time he suggested anything non platonic. You were in a weak place and he thought he was in a bad marriage... Now you are in a even weaker place and he now wants his nice cosy life with his wife and kids in place, and you on the side. My advice Get strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 If I were in OP's shoes I would seriously consider sending an envelope to his wife with all the proof of what he has done after he left her, the house they bought, the messages he was sending, and also all the messages after he went back to his wife. Would I be considered a bitch? Sure. But I don't find it fair that this man has lost nothing and I have been lied to repeatedly. I know this will make some posters attack me but I think I would have considered it, I don't know if I would actually do it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 OK revenge, but who is revenge really going to hurt the most? I guess his wife and his sons. Things have calmed down, it is not their fault the MM is still being deceptive. Also revenge isn't usually served completely cold and I guess that Beca would pay a high price emotionally for stirring up more trouble now. Wives of 30+ years who fight to keep their cheating man are not usually easily ousted. So the fireworks anticipated may just be a bit of a damp squib. "Evidence" binned and normal service resumed. All that effort for nothing is often the result of the OWs "revenge"... The main problem with the OW revenge is that the the ground they stand on is decidedly shaky, as they are seen as the intruder, the wrong doer, the guilty party. They are NOT seen as squeaky clean or innocent, they are seen as a co conspirator... and for that they are open to counter attack. As Beca has already said, it would probably be her reputation in tatters if she were to make a fuss and for what? He and his life would continue as is. My guess, nothing would change. He left for a year to be with his OW, and his wife still took him back, says a lot IMO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, elaine567 said: OK revenge, but who is revenge really going to hurt the most? I guess his wife and his sons. Things have calmed down, it is not their fault the MM is still being deceptive. Also revenge isn't usually served completely cold and I guess that Beca would pay a high price emotionally for stirring up more trouble now. Wives of 30+ years who fight to keep their cheating man are not usually easily ousted. So the fireworks anticipated may just be a bit of a damp squib. "Evidence" binned and normal service resumed. All that effort for nothing is often the result of the OWs "revenge"... The main problem with the OW revenge is that the the ground they stand on is decidedly shaky, as they are seen as the intruder, the wrong doer, the guilty party. They are NOT seen as squeaky clean or innocent, they are seen as a co conspirator... and for that they are open to counter attack. As Beca has already said, it would probably be her reputation in tatters if she were to make a fuss and for what? He and his life would continue as is. My guess, nothing would change. He left for a year to be with his OW, and his wife still took him back, says a lot IMO. His kids are adults and I find it disgusting that they chose to stop talking to their father because he decided to divorce their mother. I mean, millions of people get divorced even when the kids are very young. They were old enough to understand that their father had the right to choose a different path for his personal life. I'm not accusing the W or the kids, but I'm trying to say that what this guy did was his right. Ok he had the affair and that was wrong, but after that he decided to get a divorce, which was the right thing to do. Does this give the right to his Ex wife to manipulate him like this and turn his kids against him? Yes the wife is a sad woman in my opinion who just wants to keep her lifestyle by holding a cheating and unhappy husband as captive. Yes they deserve each other because this is how they made their marriage and their kids to be. Yes the OP could be the bigger person here and let it go. I still find it unfair though. How about exposing everything to his work place and his relatives? This man has to pay for playing with the OP's heart. Edited February 6, 2020 by SummerDreams 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 1 minute ago, SummerDreams said: How about exposing everything to his work place and his relatives? His workplace is her workplace and her kids go to that school too... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 On 2/4/2020 at 7:58 PM, Beca L said: I will probably never trust any man again. Hi Beca L, Don't write all men off completely. There are some genuinely wonderful men out there and this guy definitely wasn't one of them. I'm proof there are good guys in the world. My husband is amazing. This guy wanted his cozy family life but he also wanted the OW. I agree with others that he lied. His marriage obviously wasn't as miserable as he made it out to be. I hope things get easier in time for you x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 6, 2020 Author Share Posted February 6, 2020 2 hours ago, SummerDreams said: If I were in OP's shoes I would seriously consider sending an envelope to his wife with all the proof of what he has done after he left her, the house they bought, the messages he was sending, and also all the messages after he went back to his wife. Would I be considered a bitch? Sure. But I don't find it fair that this man has lost nothing and I have been lied to repeatedly. I know this will make some posters attack me but I think I would have considered it, I don't know if I would actually do it. I have threatened to do this on so many occasions but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s just not me. I think deep down she knows what a s*** he is but after 30+ years she doesn’t know any different and would be scared to live on her own. So she just ignores it as long as he stays living there and keeping up the pretence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 6, 2020 Author Share Posted February 6, 2020 1 hour ago, SummerDreams said: Does this give the right to his Ex wife to manipulate him like this and turn his kids against him? She manipulated them so badly whilst he was gone. His middle son who he is very close to and was seeing and in touch with whilst he was with me graduated with a 1st class hons degree from Cambridge University and she refused for MM to attend and poor son had to go along with it. I thought that was the cruelest thing a mother could do. She’s a total bitch if you ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 6, 2020 Author Share Posted February 6, 2020 1 hour ago, SummerDreams said: Yes the wife is a sad woman in my opinion who just wants to keep her lifestyle by holding a cheating and unhappy husband as captive. Yes they deserve each other because this is how they made their marriage and their kids to be. Yes the OP could be the bigger person here and let it go. Thanks. Totally agree here, he will live to regret what he has done and hopefully I will find true happiness and love with someone else. That will be my ultimate revenge !!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 (edited) 23 minutes ago, Beca L said: I have threatened to do this on so many occasions but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s just not me. I think deep down she knows what a s*** he is but after 30+ years she doesn’t know any different and would be scared to live on her own. So she just ignores it as long as he stays living there and keeping up the pretence. But she had accepted that it was over and was living on her own, dating another man until MM got jealous and started begging her back. Becca it isn't helping you to blame the wife because he went back and she took him back. They are married. If you are in love with him why wouldn't she also be in love? After all he is her husband. Edited February 6, 2020 by stillafool 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 Is she "evil" or just a woman whose world has been turned upside down by her husband's betrayal? After 3 years, YOU want karma, you want him to suffer, imagine how you would feel after 30 years...?BS often get a hard time for being crazy "bitches", who deserve being cheated upon but A) MM love to play the victim. It supports their cause. B) MM often make things so bad at home during the affair, the BS is in a maelstrom of emotions often long before she finds out. C) Who wouldn't be "crazy" at least temporarily, if they found their spouse was playing away, lying, cheating and blowing up their marriage and their life as they know it? D) NO person is going to be all sweetness and light, logical and rational, happy and content, when their world is falling apart. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 13 hours ago, Beca L said: Definitely sneaky and just terrible. It's a shame that they are both codependent. Life is so short to waste it on someone who maybe dreaming or always thinking of another. I would rather be on my own forever than spend my days with someone who is indifferent towards me and spends their time wishing they could be somewhere else. And as long as you believe this about him you will remain stuck. He wanted to be back with her because he couldn't stand the OM having her. They are not just codependent but married. When you give up the hope that he is suffering by not being with you, you will begin to see him for who he is and heal. He's where he wants to be period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 Don't ever be the other woman and don't poop were you eat (date coworkers). It's a tough lesson to learn. All you can do is get another job and another boyfriend - this time one who is not married. By the way, women do the same thing. This is not gender specific Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 22 hours ago, stillafool said: I agree Pepperbird and also if they were so crazy about the kids they would be spending their free time with them instead of boinking some OW. I can't believe anyone would fall for that statement. Seems to me they are most interested in securing as much of whatever it is they get from both their marriage and affair to care about much else. Spouse, kids, ow/om included. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 14 hours ago, Beca L said: I have come to terms with the fact that yes I am probably broken as well and if I was when I started the relationship with him over 3 years ago I am so much more broken now. I had a difficult relationship with my ex husband and I realise I have very low self respect and self worth and can't believe I have put up with all this crap from him over the last 2 years. I feel so foolish and embarrassed that I have taken all his lies and kept hanging on waiting for him to leave her. Being a single mum is very lonely at times and have no family living nearby so I guess I was desperate for anything he was willing to offer. it's okay to be alone with yourself. hard, but okay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 13 hours ago, Beca L said: He originally applied for the divorce but in the UK the cheating spouse cannot apply for the divorce on the grounds of adultery only the cheated on spouse can apply, so he had to apply on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. (of her that is) AS you can imagine she lost the plot, but he had no other choice. She then put in her own application on the grounds of adultery which he agreed to. The sale of the house coincided with Xmas and also the anniversary of him leaving and it was like a perfect storm of emotions. Spending days in the house packing up their belongings together just broke his heart, apparently !!! If he had just dealt with those feelings and tried to push through them then there may have been a different outcome. Instead they reconciled and I was just dumped totally out of the blue. It has affected my family greatly. My youngest daughter who was 8-9 at the time became very attached to him and he was there one day and gone the next. She didn't seem him again for another 18 months when she was at our school for a transition day and she bumped in to him in the corridor. My son hates him because he has witnessed all the pain he has caused me. The worst thing is he teaches my son chemistry and he has him twice a week. The whole thing is a nightmare !!! why were you allowing your children to be around your married man? please, even if a guy you're seeing is single, keep him and your kids separate until you know for sure there's a future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 24 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Is she "evil" or just a woman whose world has been turned upside down by her husband's betrayal? After 3 years, YOU want karma, you want him to suffer, imagine how you would feel after 30 years...?BS often get a hard time for being crazy "bitches", who deserve being cheated upon but A) MM love to play the victim. It supports their cause. B) MM often make things so bad at home during the affair, the BS is in a maelstrom of emotions often long before she finds out. C) Who wouldn't be "crazy" at least temporarily, if they found their spouse was playing away, lying, cheating and blowing up their marriage and their life as they know it? D) NO person is going to be all sweetness and light, logical and rational, happy and content, when their world is falling apart. op, gently, seeing this as something that happened to you will keep you stuck and feeling awful. Admitting that this is an end result of series of choices may be hard, but it can also be incredibly e,powering. It will put you back in the driver's seat of your life- you can and will move on and be happy. You will learn from all of this and , even though it may not seem like it now, one day you'll look back and wonder wjat the heck you were thinking in the first place getting involved with him. hopefully, that day will come for you sooner than later😊 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 53 minutes ago, Beca L said: Thanks. Totally agree here, he will live to regret what he has done and hopefully I will find true happiness and love with someone else. That will be my ultimate revenge !!! So you seriously think she's got him held captive? Really? That may take the sting away for a minute, but if you want to play the long game, that's going to mean accepting that he chose his life all on his own. he is EXACTLY where he wants to be. It's no reflection on you. Think of it this way. I don;t know you, but I'll assume you'd be a good relationship partner. You claim you two were in love and happy, and he was perfectly fine asking his wife and children to unknowingly be put in a position where there is a high chance they will really be hurt. Think about that for a minute. Really think. he didn't care about his kids feeling for all that time...his own kids! That's who he is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: Be careful here. I know a guy whose father used to beat him up regularly as child/young adult, but whilst he grew to kind of understand and even respect his father (tough life, poor upbringing, bad role models, culture etc.) He actually then grew to actually hate his mother, because she didn't protect him, she didn't remove him from that toxic situation and that he felt was her job to do as a mother... This is not a good situation for your kids to be in. Being the daughter in this spot, I can resonate with this sentiment. My mother was and is a lovely woman who adores me, and did her best. What she also did was stayed with my dad through his addiction. She did the opposite of protect her children. I hated her for many years for not leaving him. Not only that, I found the first man who treated me a sliver better than my dad and clung to him. He was also an addict and I mirrored my mothers behaviour by staying with him years longer than I should have. So not only did I hate her for not protecting us, I became her. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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