He went back to his wife after a year together !

[elaine567]

10 hours ago, Beca L said:

I had a difficult relationship with my ex husband and I realise I have very low self respect and self worth and can't believe I have put up with all this crap from him over the last 2 years. I feel so foolish and embarrassed that I have taken all his lies and kept hanging on waiting for him to leave her. Being a single mum is very lonely at times and have no family living nearby so I guess I was desperate for anything he was willing to offer

This is  a common story.
Had you been a woman in a good marriage with a healthy degree of self esteem, you would never have got involved, you would have kept him at arm's length and told him to go back to his wife the very first time he suggested anything non platonic.

You were in a weak place and he thought he was in a bad marriage...
Now you are in a even weaker place and he now wants his nice cosy life with his wife and kids in place, and you on the side.

My advice
Get strong.

[SummerDreams]

If I were in OP's shoes I would seriously consider sending an envelope to his wife with all the proof of what he has done after he left her, the house they bought, the messages he was sending, and also all the messages after he went back to his wife. Would I be considered a bitch? Sure. But I don't find it fair that this man has lost nothing and I have been lied to repeatedly. I know this will make some posters attack me but I think I would have considered it, I don't know if I would actually do it.

[elaine567]

OK revenge, but  who is revenge really going to hurt the most?
I guess his wife and his sons. Things have calmed down, it is not their fault the MM is still being deceptive. 
Also revenge isn't usually served completely cold and I guess that Beca would pay a high price emotionally for stirring up more trouble now.

Wives of 30+ years who fight to keep their cheating man are not usually easily ousted.
So the fireworks anticipated may just be a bit of a damp squib.
"Evidence"  binned and normal service resumed.
All that effort for nothing is often the result of the OWs "revenge"...

The main problem with the OW revenge is that the the ground they stand on is decidedly shaky, as they are seen as  the intruder, the wrong doer, the guilty party.
They are NOT seen as squeaky clean or innocent, they are seen as a co conspirator... and for that they are open to counter attack.

As Beca has already said, it would probably be her reputation in tatters if she were to make a fuss and for what?
He and his life would continue as is. My guess, nothing would change.
He left for a year to be with his OW, and his wife still took him back, says a lot IMO.

 

[SummerDreams]

19 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK revenge, but  who is revenge really going to hurt the most?
I guess his wife and his sons. Things have calmed down, it is not their fault the MM is still being deceptive. 
Also revenge isn't usually served completely cold and I guess that Beca would pay a high price emotionally for stirring up more trouble now.

Wives of 30+ years who fight to keep their cheating man are not usually easily ousted.
So the fireworks anticipated may just be a bit of a damp squib.
"Evidence"  binned and normal service resumed.
All that effort for nothing is often the result of the OWs "revenge"...

The main problem with the OW revenge is that the the ground they stand on is decidedly shaky, as they are seen as  the intruder, the wrong doer, the guilty party.
They are NOT seen as squeaky clean or innocent, they are seen as a co conspirator... and for that they are open to counter attack.

As Beca has already said, it would probably be her reputation in tatters if she were to make a fuss and for what?
He and his life would continue as is. My guess, nothing would change.
He left for a year to be with his OW, and his wife still took him back, says a lot IMO.

 

His kids are adults and I find it disgusting that they chose to stop talking to their father because he decided to divorce their mother. I mean, millions of people get divorced even when the kids are very young. They were old enough to understand that their father had the right to choose a different path for his personal life. I'm not accusing the W or the kids, but I'm trying to say that what this guy did was his right. Ok he had the affair and that was wrong, but after that he decided to get a divorce, which was the right thing to do. Does this give the right to his Ex wife to manipulate him like this and turn his kids against him?

Yes the wife is a sad woman in my opinion who just wants to keep her lifestyle by holding a cheating and unhappy husband as captive. Yes they deserve each other because this is how they made their marriage and their kids to be. Yes the OP could be the bigger person here and let it go. I still find it unfair though. How about exposing everything to his work place and his relatives? This man has to pay for playing with the OP's heart.

Edited February 6, 2020 by SummerDreams

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, SummerDreams said:

How about exposing everything to his work place and his relatives?

His workplace is her workplace and  her kids go to that school too...

[JTSW]

On 2/4/2020 at 7:58 PM, Beca L said:

I will probably never trust any man again. 

Hi Beca L,

Don't write all men off completely.

There are some genuinely wonderful men out there and this guy definitely wasn't one of them.

I'm proof there are good guys in the world. My husband is amazing.

This guy wanted his cozy family life but he also wanted the OW.

I agree with others that he lied. His marriage obviously wasn't as miserable as he made it out to be.

I hope things get easier in time for you x

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

If I were in OP's shoes I would seriously consider sending an envelope to his wife with all the proof of what he has done after he left her, the house they bought, the messages he was sending, and also all the messages after he went back to his wife. Would I be considered a bitch? Sure. But I don't find it fair that this man has lost nothing and I have been lied to repeatedly. I know this will make some posters attack me but I think I would have considered it, I don't know if I would actually do it.

I have threatened to do this on so many occasions but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s just not me. I think deep down she knows what a s*** he is but after 30+ years she doesn’t know any different and would be scared to live on her own. So she just ignores it as long as he stays living there and keeping up the pretence. 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, SummerDreams said:

Does this give the right to his Ex wife to manipulate him like this and turn his kids against him?

She manipulated them so badly whilst he was gone. His middle son who he is very close to and was seeing and in touch with whilst he was with me graduated with a 1st class hons degree from Cambridge University and she refused for MM to attend and poor son had to go along with it. I thought that was the cruelest thing a mother could do. She’s a total bitch if you ask me. 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, SummerDreams said:

Yes the wife is a sad woman in my opinion who just wants to keep her lifestyle by holding a cheating and unhappy husband as captive. Yes they deserve each other because this is how they made their marriage and their kids to be. Yes the OP could be the bigger person here and let it go.

Thanks. Totally agree here, he will live to regret what he has done and hopefully I will find true happiness and love with someone else. 
That will be my ultimate revenge !!!

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I have threatened to do this on so many occasions but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s just not me. I think deep down she knows what a s*** he is but after 30+ years she doesn’t know any different and would be scared to live on her own. So she just ignores it as long as he stays living there and keeping up the pretence. 

But she had accepted that it was over and was living on her own, dating another man until MM got jealous and started begging her back.  Becca it isn't helping you to blame the wife because he went back and she took him back.  They are married.  If you are in love with him why wouldn't she also be in love?  After all he is her husband.

Edited February 6, 2020 by stillafool

[elaine567]

Is she "evil" or just a woman whose world has been turned upside down by her husband's betrayal?

After 3 years, YOU want karma, you want him to suffer, imagine how you would feel after 30 years...?

BS often get a hard time for being crazy "bitches",  who deserve being cheated upon but
A) MM love to play the victim. It supports their cause.
B) MM often make things so bad at home during the affair, the BS is in a maelstrom of emotions often long  before she finds out.
C) Who wouldn't be "crazy" at least temporarily, if they found their spouse was playing away, lying, cheating and blowing up their marriage and their life as they know it? 
D) NO person is going to be all sweetness and light, logical and rational, happy and content, when their world is falling apart.
 

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Beca L said:

Definitely sneaky and just terrible. It's a shame that they are both codependent. Life is so short to waste it on someone who maybe dreaming or always thinking of another. I would rather be on my own forever than spend my days with someone who is indifferent towards me and spends their time wishing they could be somewhere else.  

And as long as you believe this about him you will remain stuck.  He wanted to be back with her because he couldn't stand the OM having her.  They are not just codependent but married.  When you give up the hope that he is suffering by not being with you, you will begin to see him for who he is and heal.  He's where he wants to be period.

[Fletch Lives]

Don't ever be the other woman and don't poop were you eat (date coworkers). It's a tough lesson to learn.

All you can do is get another job and another boyfriend - this time one who is not married. 

By the way, women do the same thing. This is not gender specific

[pepperbird]

22 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree Pepperbird and also if they were so crazy about the kids they would be spending their free time with them instead of boinking some OW.  I can't believe anyone would fall for that statement.

Seems to me they are most interested in securing as much of whatever it is they get from both their marriage and affair to care about much else. Spouse, kids, ow/om included.

[pepperbird]

14 hours ago, Beca L said:

I have come to terms with the fact that yes I am probably broken as well and if I was when I started the relationship with him over 3 years ago I am so much more broken now. 

I had a difficult relationship with my ex husband and I realise I have very low self respect and self worth and can't believe I have put up with all this crap from him over the last 2 years. I feel so foolish and embarrassed that I have taken all his lies and kept hanging on waiting for him to leave her. Being a single mum is very lonely at times and have no family living nearby so I guess I was desperate for anything he was willing to offer. 

it's okay to be alone with yourself. hard, but okay.

[pepperbird]

13 hours ago, Beca L said:

He originally applied for the divorce but in the UK the cheating spouse cannot apply for the divorce on the grounds of adultery only the cheated on spouse can apply, so he had to apply on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. (of her that is) AS you can imagine she lost the plot, but he had no other choice. She then put in her own application on the grounds of adultery which he agreed to.  The sale of the house coincided with Xmas and also the anniversary of him leaving and it was like a perfect storm of emotions. Spending days in the house packing up their belongings together just broke his heart, apparently !!! If he had just dealt with those feelings and tried to push through them then there may have been a different outcome. Instead they reconciled and I was just dumped totally out of the blue. It has affected my family greatly. My youngest daughter who was 8-9 at the time became very attached to him and he was there one day and gone the next. She didn't seem him again for another 18 months when she was at our school for a transition day and she bumped in to him in the corridor. My son hates him because he has witnessed all the pain he has caused me. The worst thing is he teaches my son chemistry and he has him twice a week. The whole thing is a nightmare !!!

why were you allowing your children to be around your married man?  please, even if a guy you're seeing is single, keep him and your kids separate until you know for sure there's a future.

[pepperbird]

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Is she "evil" or just a woman whose world has been turned upside down by her husband's betrayal?

After 3 years, YOU want karma, you want him to suffer, imagine how you would feel after 30 years...?

BS often get a hard time for being crazy "bitches",  who deserve being cheated upon but
A) MM love to play the victim. It supports their cause.
B) MM often make things so bad at home during the affair, the BS is in a maelstrom of emotions often long  before she finds out.
C) Who wouldn't be "crazy" at least temporarily, if they found their spouse was playing away, lying, cheating and blowing up their marriage and their life as they know it? 
D) NO person is going to be all sweetness and light, logical and rational, happy and content, when their world is falling apart.
 

op,

gently, seeing this as something that happened to you will keep you stuck and feeling awful. Admitting that this is an end result of series of choices may be hard, but it can also be incredibly e,powering. It will put you back in the driver's seat of your life- you can and will move on and be happy. You will learn from all of this and , even though it may not seem like it now, one day you'll look back and wonder wjat the heck you were thinking in the first place getting involved with him.

hopefully, that day will come for you sooner than later😊

[pepperbird]

53 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Thanks. Totally agree here, he will live to regret what he has done and hopefully I will find true happiness and love with someone else. 
That will be my ultimate revenge !!!

So you seriously think she's got him held captive? Really?
That may take the sting away for a minute, but if you want to play the long game, that's going to mean accepting that he chose his life all on his own. he is EXACTLY where he wants to be. It's no reflection on you.

Think of it this way. I don;t know you, but I'll assume you'd be a good relationship partner. You claim you two were in love and happy, and he was perfectly fine asking his wife and children to unknowingly be put in a position where there is a high chance they will really be hurt.

Think about that for a  minute. Really think. he didn't care about his kids feeling for all that time...his own kids! That's who he is.
 

[Daisydooks]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Be careful here.
I know a guy whose father used to beat him up regularly as child/young adult, but whilst he grew to kind of understand and even respect his father (tough life, poor upbringing, bad role models, culture etc.)
He actually then grew to actually hate his mother, because she didn't protect him, she didn't remove him from that toxic situation and that he felt was her job to do as a mother...

This is not a good situation for your kids to be in.



 

Being the daughter in this spot, I can resonate with this sentiment. My mother was and is a lovely woman who adores me, and did her best. What she also did was stayed with my dad through his addiction. She did the opposite of protect her children. I hated her for many years for not leaving him. Not only that, I found the first man who treated me a sliver better than my dad and clung to him. He was also an addict and I mirrored my mothers behaviour by staying with him years longer than I should have. So not only did I hate her for not protecting us, I became her. 

 

 

[Starswillshine]

I'm sorry but blaming his BS is not going to help you get past this. She is not manipulating him into coming back to her. In fact, it was the opposite. She had GIVEN up. She moved on. You speak of her BF at the time as if she is some horrible person for having moved on and then broke it off with him. She isnt. You speak of her manipulating him with their sons. How do you know she is the one orchestrating all of this..I'll give you and example from my own experience. 

My xWH had an affair. I couldn't get past him, so I decided to divorce him. We have multiple children. His affair ruined his relationship with our older daughter. She refuses to talk to him. I have had to step in at times to be the bad guy to him and tell him to not show up at places because she doesnt want him there. I had to be the one to take the blame for it. But the other side is this.... when she is in tears saying she cannot see him, respect him, etc because he not only hurt me but he hurt her, and her little sisters, and her brother... and I am telling her that I have forgiven him and I can have a normal co-parenting relationship with him, that it was time that she found it in her to forgive him herself. I have told her to be open minded. Etc. I have pushed for it. But I also have to protect my daughter and what makes her comfortable or not. That is NOT me being manipulative. You do NOT know the other side. You know ONLY what he willingly tells you and shares with you. Which could all be fabricated. (The lengths these men go through is ridiculous). My daughter also has some very serious principles. She cut her best friend out of her life because she was cheating. You said their relationship was estranged before his affair.... pay attention to that. 

 

Again, he is with his wife because he chose to be there. He already did the hard work. He did the difficult thing. He let everyone down..he already ruined his reputation.  Etc. And his wife had moved on..he went back because he wanted to be with her. Plain and simple. 

He lies. He manipulates. He is the manipulator here. Be happy the trash took himself out. 

[anika99]

19 hours ago, elaine567 said:

So eight months after he left, she asks for a divorce, puts the house on the market and finds herself another man..
4 months later he is back home.
I guess he didn't like her "moving on".

Yep, there it is. The main reason he went back. As long as his wife was alone and devastated he was happy to stay separated but once she began to really move on without him he couldn't handle it. His wife was always supposed to be his, she was always supposed to be there for him. He figured he could always go back to her, especially if things didn't work out with the OP. I'm sure he was stressing over his sons too but the straw that really broke the camel's back was the reality of his marriage ending and his wife moving on with another man.

[stillafool]

It's true Anika, it never fails.  The goose can't stand for the gander to get some too.

[pepperbird]

53 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

He lies. He manipulates. He is the manipulator here. Be happy the trash took himself out. 

I love this quote!

[anika99]

4 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

If I were in OP's shoes I would seriously consider sending an envelope to his wife with all the proof of what he has done after he left her, the house they bought, the messages he was sending, and also all the messages after he went back to his wife. Would I be considered a bitch? Sure. But I don't find it fair that this man has lost nothing and I have been lied to repeatedly. I know this will make some posters attack me but I think I would have considered it, I don't know if I would actually do it.

Interesting the evil spin the OW always puts on everything the betrayed spouse does. The OPs son hates the MM because he witnessed the pain the MM put his mother through, but the MMs sons hate him because that evil wife turned them against him. Hmmm. 

Here you say how terrible you would feel if the MM treated you like he treated the OP. Lied to her and then moved on while losing nothing. That's not fair! You would want revenge. But when it's the wife who is losing her s*** over the unfairness of it all then she is an unhinged monster. She is just supposed to step aside and graciously accept being tossed aside like garbage and she has to make her kids accept it too. She is a witch if she does anything to get in the way of the happiness.

If the OW accepts abhorrent behavior from the MM, if she takes him back time and time again no matter how much he hurts her and lies to her it's because she just loves him so much and because she has such a warm forgiving heart. If the wife takes him back its because she is pathetic and desperate and just wants a certain lifestyle. 

The wife takes vows with her husband, she has his children, she gives years of her life to her husband and family, she has invested so much into the life she has created with her husband. The OW thinks the MM is the finest speciman to ever walk the face of the earth as long it's only the wife and her children being hurt, that witch deserves it! But the moment the MM dishes out some of that hurt to the OW he is a monster, a psycho, a coward. 

The double standards are astounding 

[Starswillshine]

He didnt just hurt his wife, he hurt his children, too. It was one thing that kept me trusting my husband when I noticed something amiss. I though, he loves his kids so much, he would NEVER do this to THEM. It is not just the wife who suffers. Kids will see it as something done to them as well. When someone cheats, they cheat on all of the family. It threatens everyone's security.

OP, when he left his wife for you, at that moment, he wanted to be with you most. When he left you for his wife, he wanted to be with her to most. Dont let this man have options. Keep yourself removed from him.