He went back to his wife after a year together !

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

The goose can't stand for the gander to get some too.

A gander is an adult male goose. I guess you meant.

Quote

The gander can't stand for the goose to get some too

.

[stillafool]

Thanks Elaine, I mixed it up.

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

When you give up the hope that he is suffering by not being with you, you will begin to see him for who he is and heal.  He's where he wants to be period.

I take your point and I guess coming on this site and discussing my story has helped me see the wood from the trees. It has been my coping mechanism to think that he still loved me but circumstances were preventing us from being together. I know see that differently. Every affair is different and I don’t think you can put all of them in the same box. I know his personality and I think the best words to describe him are spineless and pathetic. Yes he is where he wants to be now but because of different reasons that you describe above. 

[mark clemson]

Not buying it.

If everything MM said was a lie and he was so content with this marriage and his wonderful BS, what was he doing moving out and starting a relationship with OP for the better part of a year (at least) when she hadn't even agreed to a divorce? That's a big middle finger to wifey and a genuine attempt to monkeybranch. He wanted outta there, at least for a time.

As for BS and the new guy she found - this guy attempted suicide when she left. Although it's tragic, I must admit it sounds like she really lucked out with him. I'm sure every woman wants to be with an emotional trainwreck, right?

So, I don't think MM had to chase too hard when he eventually decided to go back. She'd gotten her fingers burnt in her own way. He'd gotten his revenge, and she'd had a rough time of it seeing what was out there.

And of course there were no actual practical reasons for him to return, like pissed off kids, manipulation, money. No, it was only love, sweet love, that brought him running back into her arms after all that. And she actually took him back after all the crap he put her through. Not at all broken codependence.

We don't know that MM's telling the truth. True. We also don't know he's not. We do know he lies. Guess what, everybody lies some of the time.

It is true, he's where he wants to be. That doesn't mean he's happy there. People can stay for a long time in unhappy relationships. Sometimes they never leave them.

And I don't believe that @Beca L needs to believe that he's happy and in love or any such nonsense to move on. If she believes that, she'll feel jealous of what he has and resentful of them, pining for what could have been hers. Knowing that he's there and probably miserable (and I believe he probably is, or will be soon) let's her see the rather pathetic truth of the man she was trying to be with. And that lets her move on much more easily IMO.

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, anika99 said:

The OW thinks the MM is the finest speciman to ever walk the face of the earth as long it's only the wife and her children being hurt, that witch deserves it! But the moment the MM dishes out some of that hurt to the OW he is a monster, a psycho, a coward. 

The double standards are astounding 

I take your point and see that you are very passionate about it. Were you cheated on ? If so I’m very sorry to hear that. 
Yes I have put him on a pedestal for far too long now and my only justification for that was because I could not believe he would go back to something that had made him so unhappy for so long. He couldn’t wait to get away from her and he seemed extremely happy with me and in love. We were planning a future together and him leaving me was totally out of the blue. There are no double standards here. I realise that she had every right to be cross with him and me and what had happened to her family. However he thought that she would be glad to see the back of him when he left because the relationship had supposedly been horrendous for years. She had the right to lose it with him but I think she went too far. Yes I only know about her from his description if her but another colleague at work has met her well before I was on the scene and said she wasn’t a very nice person, rude and obnoxious. Anyway I take your point and agree with you. 

[pepperbird]

22 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I take your point and I guess coming on this site and discussing my story has helped me see the wood from the trees. It has been my coping mechanism to think that he still loved me but circumstances were preventing us from being together. I know see that differently. Every affair is different and I don’t think you can put all of them in the same box. I know his personality and I think the best words to describe him are spineless and pathetic. Yes he is where he wants to be now but because of different reasons that you describe above. 

OP,

even if he does love you, he has shown you what his love really means. You are worth more than that- if he can;'t see your value, that's on him. Just make sure you don't lose sight of it.

[pepperbird]

13 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I take your point and see that you are very passionate about it. Were you cheated on ? If so I’m very sorry to hear that. 
Yes I have put him on a pedestal for far too long now and my only justification for that was because I could not believe he would go back to something that had made him so unhappy for so long. He couldn’t wait to get away from her and he seemed extremely happy with me and in love. We were planning a future together and him leaving me was totally out of the blue. There are no double standards here. I realise that she had every right to be cross with him and me and what had happened to her family. However he thought that she would be glad to see the back of him when he left because the relationship had supposedly been horrendous for years. She had the right to lose it with him but I think she went too far. Yes I only know about her from his description if her but another colleague at work has met her well before I was on the scene and said she wasn’t a very nice person, rude and obnoxious. Anyway I take your point and agree with you. 

So it was okay for him to treat her like crap?

[Beca L]

10 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It is true, he's where he wants to be. That doesn't mean he's happy there. People can stay for a long time in unhappy relationships. Sometimes they never leave them.

And I don't believe that @Beca L needs to believe that he's happy and in love or any such nonsense to move on. If she believes that, she'll feel jealous of what he has and resentful of them, pining for what could have been hers. Knowing that he's there and probably miserable (and I believe he probably is, or will be soon) let's her see the rather pathetic truth of the man she was trying to be with. And that lets her move on much more easily IMO.

Thanks. I think all of us on this site have opinions based upon our own experiences etc. I realise he is where he wants to be right now but it’s because he feels he has no options. I’m not saying I agree with that but that is what he has told me. I personally don’t think he’s particularly happy but hey it’s a bearable happiness. If he’s so content on being back there then why can’t he move on from me. And it isn’t about a physical relationship, because that hasn’t been happening. I’m not really available to have the type of relationship he would like to have with me. He isn’t going to leave a marriage of 30+ years to live on his own. He wants to make a life with me and live together and that’s not possible now or any time soon. That’s what he realised before he left and he decided his best bet was to go back to the wife. Home comforts etc. Anyway who really knows. I’m not waiting round to see what happens. 

[Starswillshine]

5 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Thanks. I think all of us on this site have opinions based upon our own experiences etc. I realise he is where he wants to be right now but it’s because he feels he has no options. I’m not saying I agree with that but that is what he has told me. I personally don’t think he’s particularly happy but hey it’s a bearable happiness. If he’s so content on being back there then why can’t he move on from me. And it isn’t about a physical relationship, because that hasn’t been happening. I’m not really available to have the type of relationship he would like to have with me. He isn’t going to leave a marriage of 30+ years to live on his own. He wants to make a life with me and live together and that’s not possible now or any time soon. That’s what he realised before he left and he decided his best bet was to go back to the wife. Home comforts etc. Anyway who really knows. I’m not waiting round to see what happens. 

Let's say that is all 100% true. Because he could not just live with you when he left his home, he went back to his wife. Let that just sink in for a second. This man does not know how to live alone? Does he need a mommy to tuck him in at night? And what sort of attractiveness is that? I'm telling you, you may have invested a couple of years with this man, but at least it wasn't decades. Feel that pain (I know it is a traumatic pain) and realize the bullet you dodge. 

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

ven if he does love you, he has shown you what his love really means. You are worth more than that- if he can;'t see your value, that's on him. Just make sure you don't lose sight of it.

That’s been the hardest thing to move past. He has told me so many times in the last 2 years about how much he loved me, was in love with me etc. But I kept saying to him, your actions are not showing me that. You have treated me terribly and he was always so apologetic but I realise that he doesn’t love me like I love him. I wouldn’t have treated him like that. I have done nothing to hurt him. I have always been kind and loving towards him. I know I deserve better and I am worth so much more. It has just been a terrible lesson to learn and I wish it hadn’t happened to me. I made some terrible choices and I have to live with that. 

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Let that just sink in for a second. This man does not know how to live alone? Does he need a mommy to tuck him in at night? And what sort of attractiveness is that? I'm telling you, you may have invested a couple of years with this man, but at least it wasn't decades. Feel that pain (I know it is a traumatic pain) and realize the bullet you dodge. 

I have done and I agree with you. I think he is a big mummy’s boy and the sad thing is when he chased me in the beginning and tried to get me to go out with him he portrayed himself as a completely different person. Strong, brave (in an emotional sense of the word) ready to move on from a marriage that was broken. Ready to start a new life, we had so many plans for our future. Travel, build or renovate a home etc. He seemed so together and very confident. The person I see now is not him at all. I don’t recognise him. He seems pathetic, wimpish, sad, broken and pretty miserable. He looks messy at school, he’s stopped wearing a tie, some days he looks like he just got out of bed. Tbh I don’t think I even like him any more which is sad. Before any of this started we were good friends and used to have a laugh at work. It’s all just a mess. But I’m not looking for a little boy. I want a man thanks. 

[pepperbird]

9 minutes ago, Beca L said:

That’s been the hardest thing to move past. He has told me so many times in the last 2 years about how much he loved me, was in love with me etc. But I kept saying to him, your actions are not showing me that. You have treated me terribly and he was always so apologetic but I realise that he doesn’t love me like I love him. I wouldn’t have treated him like that. I have done nothing to hurt him. I have always been kind and loving towards him. I know I deserve better and I am worth so much more. It has just been a terrible lesson to learn and I wish it hadn’t happened to me. I made some terrible choices and I have to live with that. 

It could be that the way he loved you is the extent of his capability to love anyone. That's not your fault.
It sounds to me like you have a huge heart and that when you love, you love very deeply. That's a wonderful thing- just don't waste yourself on this guy. I know it's easy for me to say, but there are tons of guys out there who would be thrilled to be with someone so loyal and loving as you. Even better- you have a lot to offer to yourself. Make the relationship with yourself your top priority.

 

Edited February 6, 2020 by pepperbird

[Beca L]

19 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

So it was okay for him to treat her like crap?

No not at all. 

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

y. I know it's easy for me to say, but there are tons of guys out there who would be thrilled to be with someone so loyal and loving as you. Even better- you have a lot to offer to yourself. Make the relationship with yourself your top priority.

Thanks. That is what I am planning to do. At the start of our relationship I thought we were the same and we both loved deeply but I realise now it was more me than him. 

[pepperbird]

2 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Thanks. That is what I am planning to do. At the start of our relationship I thought we were the same and we both loved deeply but I realise now it was more me than him. 

it's good to see you write that. Onward and upwards!

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, anika99 said:

As long as his wife was alone and devastated he was happy to stay separated but once she began to really move on without him he couldn't handle it. His wife was always supposed to be his, she was always supposed to be there for him.

I’m sure this definitely had a big part to play in everything and him going back.  He realised that his family were starting to accept that he’d left and were moving on but what he hadn’t anticipated was that they were moving on without him. He was no longer a part of their family (BS and kids). He was out on his own. Even though he had me, I was no compensation for what he had lost. Don’t understand how he hadn’t considered that in the beginning. Idiot. 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

How do you know she is the one orchestrating all of this..

Because of messages I read at the time and things that happened. MM showed me all her email, texts etc whilst we were together. He tried to arrange to meet his son (the one that was talking to him) when they were visiting her for lunch etc and she would get cross with the son and tell him not to go. I am not by any means saying that MM was innocent etc but I’ve been through a divorce and although there was no cheating or anyone else involved I have always gone above and beyond to encourage my children’s relationship with their father. Any mother who would deliberately try to ruin this relationship is just mean and horrible. He left her not his children. After he went back she has told him she regretted doing that and the fact that he missed his sons graduation because she said he was not allowed to go. 

[pepperbird]

To me, it sounds like you are ahead of the game. You're already talking about what you've learned and how you are growing. Him? If he learns anything at all from all of this, it will be better how to cover his behind for the next time he feels like he's entitled to step out on his wife.

We all screw up, sometimes in small ways, sometimes in big ones. The thing is to learn so you don't do it again, and if your words written here are true, you've got this! It may be a hard and painful path, but at the end, you'll be so much better off.

[Beca L]

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This is not a good situation for your kids to be in.

I realise this and I regret that MM became a part of their lives too soon. I have requested that he not reach my son next year and I’m hoping that will happen. 

[Beca L]

Teach !

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

The thing is to learn so you don't do it again, and if your words written here are true, you've got this! It may be a hard and painful path, but at the end, you'll be so much better off.

Thanks. I made a mistake, I paid for it and hopefully I will chose a much more deserving partner next time. 

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, anika99 said:

The OPs son hates the MM because he witnessed the pain the MM put his mother through, but the MMs sons hate him because that evil wife turned them against him. Hmmm. 

I get what you are saying and I probably didn’t explain myself properly. Yes MM sons were angry and upset that he had left their mother and what he had done to her and their family etc it wasn’t all the BS influencing them. In the beginning and the first months after he left they were all talking to him but as the months went by the communication became more hostile and non existent. She made threats over and over again to MM that she would make it her mission to turn them against him. I read the texts etc. I believe that was her plan to get him back. She knew that he couldn’t cope without his family and he wasn’t strong enough to deal with the alienation. But you make a valid point. He is responsible for all this pain. No one else. 

[SummerDreams]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

I’m not waiting round to see what happens. 

I would suggest that you focus on your kids and your work and go on from there. Try to meet new people, keep yourself busy and things will happen naturally. It seems he is in a sad relationship but you are free to do whatever makes you happy. Also, try to be a good example for your kids that when someone doesn't want us, we don't want them either. Show them their mother can move on and be happy.

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

Also, try to be a good example for your kids that when someone doesn't want us, we don't want them either. Show them their mother can move on and be happy.

I will try to do that, thanks.  I haven’t been the best role model in the last  years and I’m ashamed of that but I was so heartbroken I couldn’t see beyond that. I have 2 daughters and a son and I would hate to think of the same thing happening to them. I want them to have high standards and realise that if someone doesn’t treat you well or respect you then it’s time to move on. That you deserve so much better. 

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Beca L said:

In the beginning and the first months after he left they were all talking to him but as the months went by the communication became more hostile and non existent.

Did that coincide with the realisation that you were on the scene and that you had been for quite some time?