He went back to his wife after a year together !

[Beca L]

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Did that coincide with the realisation that you were on the scene and that you had been for quite some time?

No. They knew about me straightaway. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

And I don't believe that @Beca L needs to believe that he's happy and in love or any such nonsense to move on. If she believes that, she'll feel jealous of what he has and resentful of them, pining for what could have been hers. Knowing that he's there and probably miserable (and I believe he probably is, or will be soon) let's her see the rather pathetic truth of the man she was trying to be with. And that lets her move on much more easily IMO.

Are you suggesting we lie?  How is that helping her?  Thinking he is miserable, when he is not, isn't going to help Becca heal.  If anything it is going to make her feel sorry for him because she will think he's pinning for her the way she is for him and then she'd be stuck.  It's obvious this man is where he wants to be because if not, he'd be with Becca or someone else.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

She knew that he couldn’t cope without his family and he wasn’t strong enough to deal with the alienation.

Becca if this were true he never would have left the first time and moved in with you. You've got to stop blaming her and look at him and the ridiculous things he says that just don't add up.

[BTDT2012]

It doesn't matter why he went back to his wife. Your time would be better spent on figuring why you didn't cut him off like a bad habit when he returned to his wife. Concentrate on being stronger and never allowing yourself to be in this position again.

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

If anything it is going to make her feel sorry for him because she will think he's pinning for her the way she is for him and then she'd be stuck.  It's obvious this man is where he wants to be because if not, he'd be with Becca or someone else.

That is what I have been doing (‘feeling sorry for him and believe he is pinning for me) and now I see how stupid I have been. I guess what I’m trying to explain is that when someone tells you all the time that they are in love with you and miss you and wish they could be with you. Sending messages when they are on holiday or visiting their sons saying they can’t stop thinking about me and I am always on their mind etc etc etc. It messes with your head and heart you can’t see what is the truth or not. I am not deluded and I realise I have been mistaken about his true intentions. I think he is seriously f....d up and likes all the attention. 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Beca L said:

That is what I have been doing (‘feeling sorry for him and believe he is pinning for me) and now I see how stupid I have been. I guess what I’m trying to explain is that when someone tells you all the time that they are in love with you and miss you and wish they could be with you. Sending messages when they are on holiday or visiting their sons saying they can’t stop thinking about me and I am always on their mind etc etc etc. It messes with your head and heart you can’t see what is the truth or not. 

That’s why it’s best to attend not to the words, but the actions. He has gone back to his wife. He has made his decision and he is where he wants to be. That’s all you really need to know at this point. His actions tell the story...

Edited February 6, 2020 by BaileyB

[2BGoodAgain]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s why it’s best to attend not to the words, but the actions. He has gone back to his wife. He has made his decision and he is where he wants to be. That’s all you really need to know at this point. His actions tell the story...

yup... when it comes to people... judge their actions.. .it really speaks louder than words.

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, Beca L said:

That is what I have been doing (‘feeling sorry for him and believe he is pinning for me) and now I see how stupid I have been. I guess what I’m trying to explain is that when someone tells you all the time that they are in love with you and miss you and wish they could be with you. Sending messages when they are on holiday or visiting their sons saying they can’t stop thinking about me and I am always on their mind etc etc etc. It messes with your head and heart you can’t see what is the truth or not. I am not deluded and I realise I have been mistaken about his true intentions. I think he is seriously f....d up and likes all the attention. 

((HUGS)), I know it's hard and it does keep you stuck when you feel the other person wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.  It keeps you stuck on the "what if's".  Your "what if" has already happened and as you can see he didn't go through with it but ran back to get her before he lost her.  This is painful but the pain will push you to anger, then release and then healing.  

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Are you suggesting we lie?  How is that helping her? 

What makes you think I'm lying or suggesting anyone do that? Your belief is he's happy. My belief is he's back with BS for several reasons (mentioned in posts above) - and those don't necessarily add up to happiness.**

You think believing he's happy with BS will help Beca move on. I believe seeing him for what he is in reality is even more effective for that.

We have different views. It's not lying to state your opinion.

 

**If you've followed LKK's recent thread, you saw her MM was about to divorce, went back to try to reconcile, looked for another OW, and apparently has decided to finally divorce. Won't be shocked if something like that happens here (not guaranteed, but certainly could). If Beca thinks he's happy and then finds out he decided to divorce again, he could possibly reel her back in. IF she realizes he's just pathetic and loses respect for him, that's a lot less likely. My view is this is better for Becca. I also happen to think it's true.

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

((HUGS)), I know it's hard and it does keep you stuck when you feel the other person wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.  It keeps you stuck on the "what if's".  Your "what if" has already happened and as you can see he didn't go through with it but ran back to get her before he lost her.  This is painful but the pain will push you to anger, then release and then healing.  

Thanks so much. Really appreciate your understanding and support. I believe you are correct. It is so very painful and hurtful but I have no choice but to move on. 

[Beca L]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You think believing he's happy with BS will help Beca move on. I believe seeing him for what he is in reality is even more effective for that.

I agree. Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. I am beginning to see him for what he really is with help from people who have been through the same situation. So grateful. 

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

What makes you think I'm lying or suggesting anyone do that? Your belief is he's happy. My belief is he's back with BS for several reasons (mentioned in posts above) - and those don't necessarily add up to happiness.**

You think believing he's happy with BS will help Beca move on. I believe seeing him for what he is in reality is even more effective for that.

We have different views. It's not lying to state your opinion.

 

**If you've followed LKK's recent thread, you saw her MM was about to divorce, went back to try to reconcile, looked for another OW, and apparently has decided to finally divorce. Won't be shocked if something like that happens here (not guaranteed, but certainly could). If Beca thinks he's happy and then finds out he decided to divorce again, he could possibly reel her back in. IF she realizes he's just pathetic and loses respect for him, that's a lot less likely. My view is this is better for Becca. I also happen to think it's true.

I cant speak for anyone else, but I, personally, dont necessarily think he is happy. But I do believe he went back to his marriage because that is ultimately where he wants to be. Married. To his wife. For whatever reasons and justifications. I do not believe anyone who goes back into a marriage after leaving it for someone else will immediately find happiness. That will be hell for quite some time. That hurt doesnt subside because he then went back to choosing her.  So I dont think he is blissful at home with his BS. And quite possibly why he still reaches out to Becca. 

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

((HUGS)), I know it's hard and it does keep you stuck when you feel the other person wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.  It keeps you stuck on the "what if's".  Your "what if" has already happened and as you can see he didn't go through with it but ran back to get her before he lost her.  This is painful but the pain will push you to anger, then release and then healing.  

the loss of "what could have been" is often one of the hardest

[pepperbird]

Just now, Starswillshine said:

I cant speak for anyone else, but I, personally, dont necessarily think he is happy. But I do believe he went back to his marriage because that is ultimately where he wants to be. Married. To his wife. For whatever reasons and justifications. I do not believe anyone who goes back into a marriage after leaving it for someone else will immediately find happiness. That will be hell for quite some time. That hurt doesnt subside because he then went back to choosing her.  So I dont think he is blissful at home with his BS. And quite possibly why he still reaches out to Becca. 

Just so she recognizes that as selfishness and not love. If he loved her, he wouldn't want to ever hurt her. reeling her back in just so he can "self medicate" the rest of his life away is just plain cruel.

Becca, you're not his mother, you're not his therapist, and with the way he;s treated you, I wouldn't even say he's been your friend.  you have a life of your own and have enough on your plate without adding his nonsense tot he pile. Please, if he does reach out, don't listen.

[stillafool]

What he wants Becca is to put his life back the way it was before he moved out.   Having his wife at home and you still on the side so he tells you a lies to keep you holding on.

[Beca L]

56 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

So I dont think he is blissful at home with his BS. And quite possibly why he still reaches out to Becca. 

You have hit the nail on the head and that is what he has consistently told me. He said he can’t forget me or the wonderful year we had together. However you are right, he chose to go back to her for whatever reasons and that is where he wants to be now.  I think he thought he’d be feeling better by now 2 years later and he still isn’t. I think in his head he wants to be with her and he thinks he is doing the right thing but his heart feels differently. But he created this mess so he has to work it out for himself. I’m so sick of him and the drama. I’m checking out !!! 

[FMW]

I'm sure he's NOT blissful at home.  But there's a really excellent chance this guy would never be blissful with anyone - including Beca - because he's apparently too weak to be alone and incapable of committing to ANYONE except himself and his own whims.  

Life gets messy, marriages fail, people fall in love with someone else.  But strong people capable of being real partners make the hard choices and commit to a course of action that allows everyone to move on and heal eventually.  

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, pepperbird said:

Becca, you're not his mother, you're not his therapist, and with the way he;s treated you, I wouldn't even say he's been your friend.  you have a life of your own and have enough on your plate without adding his nonsense tot he pile. Please, if he does reach out, don't listen.

I loved and trusted him and the way he has treated me over the last few years has broke my heart. You are correct, you wouldn’t even treat a friend like that. But at least I know what he has done to me and I’m aware of how he is treating me. The sad fact is that his wife has no idea of the lies and the deceitful way he has behaved towards her. She is oblivious to how he feels about me and what he has been doing. That fact alone has made me realise that if he can treat his wife like that then I can’t see how I would be treated any better. I don’t think he will contact me so I’m not thinking about what I would do but I won’t entertain his lies anymore. 

[elaine567]

His wife is probably making him jump through hoops at home.
I guess there will be tears, there will be anger, there will be jibes and name calling, and there will be terrible triggers that come out of the blue... there will no doubt be some calm and peace and love too when things are temporarily forgotten about..
Many cheaters think that cheating is something that can be rug swept and be all forgotten about quite quickly with a few apologies thrown into the mix.
That tends not to happen, but it may be why he is suddenly regretting his decision.
He may have thought he would be completely forgiven by now...

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, FMW said:

Life gets messy, marriages fail, people fall in love with someone else.  But strong people capable of being real partners make the hard choices and commit to a course of action that allows everyone to move on and heal eventually.  

Totally agree. I thought he was that strong person and believed he had made the choice to live a different life but it only lasted 12 months. Now I don’t recognise him anymore. He pretended to be strong but in fact he is weak, immature and pathetic. Incapable of steering his own ship. I deserve better 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Beca L said:

He said he can’t forget me or the wonderful year we had together. 

But that was a fantasy. He ran away from home and found a new relationship, the honeymoon period, a new home, travel... I don’t know exactly, but whatever you had together can’t even begin to compare to the stress of a stagnant marriage, judgmental kids, bills to pay, doing the work of reconciliation with what I can only assume is a hurt and angry wife. Of course he looks back fondly on your time together! Regardless, wherever he lays his head at night he is not ready to do the work, either with his family or with your family. This guy wants the fantasy but that’s not reality. 

Edited February 6, 2020 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

14 minutes ago, Beca L said:

You have hit the nail on the head and that is what he has consistently told me. He said he can’t forget me or the wonderful year we had together. However you are right, he chose to go back to her for whatever reasons and that is where he wants to be now.  I think he thought he’d be feeling better by now 2 years later and he still isn’t. I think in his head he wants to be with her and he thinks he is doing the right thing but his heart feels differently. But he created this mess so he has to work it out for himself. I’m so sick of him and the drama. I’m checking out !!! 

I think this is where your thinking is wrong though. You believe his thinking that his brain says he should be home but his heart is with you. If that was the case, he would not have broken your heart and left. After all the hurt and pain.... he couldn't bear his wife moving on. He went home to his wife. Doesnt mean he doesnt care about you. He did for certain. He did leave his wife for you. That typically doesnt happen. But the thing is... he does love his wife. That is why he went back. What I am saying about not being blissful... no way is she just super over the moon just happy and all the hurt is gone. There is and will be no doubt a lot of tension. They have a lot of hurt, anger, and bitterness to get over. I'm sure days at his house isnt sunshine and roses. She wont trust him. She will need him to rebuild that trust. S relationship with her will be harder than being in a relationship with you because now he has to do the hard work of repairing the damage he done to the marriage. This is what I am saying.... it is NOT blissful. And because it isnt comfortable, he is seeking his escape (You). 

It is all so sad. And i really feel for both you and his wife. Even though i am completely against affairs, at the very least, this seemed like a situation where you work closely and lines eventually blurred... and he decided to stop leading two women on. But then..... he went back to leading two women on....

 

(Sorry sorta babbling here and I'm always on my phone so hard to go back and read). 

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Of course he looks back fondly on your time together - wherever he lays his head at night, he’s not ready to do the work, either with his family or with your family. This guy wants the fantasy but that’s not reality. 

I think you are totally correct here. He has made very little effort with her apart from the first few months after he went back. He didn’t want to make the effort with my family when he realised that they weren’t going to welcome him with open arms. He didn’t want to be an active manager of his own life. He went back to her as there were no expectations on him and he didn’t have to do any work or put in any effort. 

[Beca L]

16 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I guess there will be tears, there will be anger, there will be jibes and name calling, and there will be terrible triggers that come out of the blue... there will no doubt be some calm and peace and love too when things are temporarily forgotten about..

Think that makes sense. From what he has told me the first part happens every so often. Obviously he never talked about the calm, peace and love so can’t comment on that. But I guess it must happen. 

[Beca L]

11 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

and he decided to stop leading two women on. But then..... he went back to leading two women on....

I know. What a selfish guy. He admits to burying his head in the sand a lot. He tries to avoid the reality of his situation and how badly he is behaving and treating people who love and care for him. He has so few redeeming qualities. Not sure why I still have feelings for him.