He went back to his wife after a year together !

[FMW]

1 minute ago, Beca L said:

Not sure why I still have feelings for him.

Because if you truly love someone you don't just stop having feelings because they turn out to be selfish and hurtful.  But what you DO do is stop letting them jerk you around.  You stay away from them and work on healing yourself and moving on.  

[Beca L]

1 minute ago, FMW said:

You stay away from them and work on healing yourself and moving on.  

That’s what I’m doing and moving forward. There will be good days and bad but I have to keep going. Thanks. 

[Starswillshine]

Becca, I just want to point out you are not dumb nor foolish for having had feelings and feeling like they were equally returned. He did what most MM do not. 

Just felt like this should be stated. ❤️

[Beca L]

1 minute ago, Starswillshine said:

Becca, I just want to point out you are not dumb nor foolish for having had feelings and feeling like they were equally returned. He did what most MM do not. 

Just felt like this should be stated. ❤️

I know but thanks for confirming it. Tbh people at school think he’s an idiot and say I can do so much better. I don’t think they understand what I actually saw in him in the first place. He’s no oil painting ! But it hurts when you give someone your heart and soul believing they are doing the same to you.  Then they do a 360 and dump you. It leaves you questioning your own sanity and how did you get it so wrong. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Wow, the OP's story is remarkable...

 

Perhaps as much for the fact that the guy actually DID leave his wife  (to the likely surprise of most onlookers) as for the harsh realities connected to the whole story.

 

Ultimately, though, as with all humans, it's all about making investments in others...

 

And you could be a queen (or a Markle), and still have minimal hope vs. the effect of an investment  of 28+ years.

 

In the end, most ask themselves whether they can envision any more significant upside to that emotional investment... and if they can, they motivate themselves to chase the most significant investment that still has remaining upside potential.

 

At it's core, the end of the OP's story isn't a shock to most  (that he ever left his wife is far more surprising than his having returned).

 

The worst part is, that when you're supposed to be contemplating the realities of how likely such a person is to cut major ties with you to return to his marriage, you are simultaneously blurred by love and romance and that impacts your ability to recognize that there is risk in all directions.

 

Now were this an employer, or the like, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe a person possesses mere loyalty to the (new job), and doesn't return to the (old job) so easily... but when it's human emotions... most people just make spontaneous decisions and choices and let the chips fall where they may, nearly ALWAYS thinking only of the near term in their haste.  

("What feels good to me NOW") is probably the biggest priority known to humanity throughout the ages.

 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Becca, I just want to point out you are not dumb nor foolish for having had feelings and feeling like they were equally returned. He did what most MM do not. 

True. But then, sadly, he did what many married men do - he went back. 

At this point, OW have a choice to make - there are some who wait around, pining for him, taking whatever breadcrumbs they receive, railing against how “unfair” it all is... Or, they pick themselves up, dust themselves off, look at the situation for what it really is and start to rebuild a life for themselves. You are well on your way to doing that (I hope), and I wish you all the best. 

Edited February 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[Beca L]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

You are well on your way to doing that (I hope), and I wish you all the best. 

Thank you so much. You have all helped me on my way. 👏👏 I just needed to take off my rose tinted specs. 

[Beca L]

18 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

("What feels good to me NOW") is probably the biggest priority known to humanity throughout the ages.

 

You are so true. He weighed up his options and decided it was better to go back to BS because it felt safe and secure in the short term. My life came with complications (3 x teenagers, annoying ex husband still on the scene, no where for him to live ) it was no bed of roses and he realised that being with me and dealing with these complications didn’t compensate for what he had given up. Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Enjoyed reading your comment. You have your own spin on why you think it ended up like it did. 

[Beca L]

27 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The worst part is, that when you're supposed to be contemplating the realities of how likely such a person is to cut major ties with you to return to his marriage, you are simultaneously blurred by love and romance and that impacts your ability to recognize that there is risk in all directions.

I think I was completely naive about the risks. Like you said I was so blinded by love and what he was telling me I didn’t really ever envisage him returning to her. They were after all getting divorced, he was buying his own house. I had met his mum ( in her 80’s) his bother and kids etc. They had accepted me. He had met my siblings, mum, extended family etc. It just doesn’t make sense but it is what it is and I have to accept it and move on. 

[SummerDreams]

Thinking about it some more I think that he left because he wanted to be a rebel for a while. Being with the same person for so long, never having had the chance to act crazy and date other people, I think he just wanted to try that. When he saw that being with Beca would mean that he would be in another marriage and responsibilities environment (just at the time that his own kids had left the house and he was free of responsibilities) he realized that he would prefer the devil he knew and went back. Maybe, I say maybe, if Beca had no kids and they could live together right away and enjoy their lives without responsibilities he would have stayed with Beca. This is what I get from all this.

[Beca L]

4 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

 

Thinking about it some more I think that he left because he wanted to be a rebel for a while. Being with the same person for so long, never having had the chance to act crazy and date other people, I think he just wanted to try that. When he saw that being with Beca would mean that he would be in another marriage and responsibilities environment (just at the time that his own kids had left the house and he was free of responsibilities) he realized that he would prefer the devil he knew and went back. Maybe, I say maybe, if Beca had no kids and they could live together right away and enjoy their lives without responsibilities he would have stayed with Beca. This is what I get from all this.

 

That is exactly how I have interpreted what has happened and why it happened. He has also confirmed some of this to me. I know that if my kids had been older and living away from home like his kids were when we first got together that he would probably never have gone back and he has confirmed that to me as well. The problem is that so much water has gone under the bridge now and he has treated me so badly that there would be no going back. He showed his true colours and they weren’t pretty. 

[2BGoodAgain]

16 hours ago, mark clemson said:

What makes you think I'm lying or suggesting anyone do that? Your belief is he's happy. My belief is he's back with BS for several reasons (mentioned in posts above) - and those don't necessarily add up to happiness.**

You think believing he's happy with BS will help Beca move on. I believe seeing him for what he is in reality is even more effective for that.

We have different views. It's not lying to state your opinion.

 

**If you've followed LKK's recent thread, you saw her MM was about to divorce, went back to try to reconcile, looked for another OW, and apparently has decided to finally divorce. Won't be shocked if something like that happens here (not guaranteed, but certainly could). If Beca thinks he's happy and then finds out he decided to divorce again, he could possibly reel her back in. IF she realizes he's just pathetic and loses respect for him, that's a lot less likely. My view is this is better for Becca. I also happen to think it's true.

many times, we set up half hopes in the form of "NOTHING can happen, b/c he is married and happy"... but what we're really saying is "If he's married but NOT happy, then we can excuse anything that happens"... What we're REALLY saying is... this is the line i will never cross, SO LONG as these conditions are in place.. it's a way to fool ourselves and the people around us, that nothing can happen, but in reality, it's a deceit b/c it's like saying "IT WILL happen, if these conditions aren't there"...

A real line... you don't cross, no matter the circumstances... that's the only promise you can't break, if you are good with sticking with them... otherwise, it's just a self deceit we put there, as a way out of something we've promised ourselves/others.

Edited February 7, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[heartwhole2]

I don't see any love in this man's actions. Love is putting others before yourself. Love is rolling up your sleeves and doing what needs to be done. Or as one of my favorite poems by Marge Piercy puts it:

Love is a lumpy thing.
Infatuation is peacock tails, 
fountains of rose petals, 
always music underneath
like a movie crescendoing.

Love is cutting onions
for supper when you are
already tired. Love is patched
of hope and habit and desire,
a tent mended nightly.

Love is tough as a bone
you gnaw on, suck out
the marrow. Love is a bone
of which you make soup
and, surprise, it sustains you.

Infatuation is fun, a tango
in a grove of mirrors. Love
is just work, what you do
one day after the next 
like bricks laid end to end.

In finality, infatuation
leaves you with a sticky
sweet residue in the bottom
of the glass, and love is all
you remember as you're dying.


All this man wanted was infatuation. May you rise in love, not fall. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Beca L said:

I know that if my kids had been older and living away from home like his kids were when we first got together that he would probably never have gone back and he has confirmed that to me as well.

So he only wants to love you when it's easy for him and no sacrifice?  What if you got sick would he only want to be with you if you are well?  Real love is worth the sacrifice to be together.  He wants a fantasy.

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

 

I don't see any love in this man's actions. Love is putting others before yourself. Love is rolling up your sleeves and doing what needs to be done. Or as one of my favorite poems by Marge Piercy puts i

 

I agree with you especially now it has been made clear to me. I feel quite foolish that I hadn’t recognised it before now. I often said to him you are just infatuated by me, you don’t really love me or you would never have done this to me. He of course always denied that and said he did love me but it was circumstances that led him back to his wife not me. Love the poem btw thanks. 

[Beca L]

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So he only wants to love you when it's easy for him and no sacrifice?  What if you got sick would he only want to be with you if you are well?  Real love is worth the sacrifice to be together.  He wants a fantasy.

I’m not saying that it was right but what I am saying is that he wanted an easier life. Some may say that was very selfish of him but he’d been through teenage years with his own sons and they had been tough. I guess he didn’t want to go through all that again. Especially when 2 of them didn’t particularly want him around. I obviously believe that love conquers all but I guess he thought it was too high a price to pay when his own children didn’t speak to him. I’ve been in a few dating websites and men around his age with grown up children aren’t interested in women with younger kids. So it is a common theme. They want to be able to travel and enjoy life. I’m not saying I agree with that it is just what I have observed. 

[stillafool]

So when he left the first time to be with you he thought the kids father would have full custody and later that changed?

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So when he left the first time to be with you he thought the kids father would have full custody and later that changed?

I get where you are coming from and understand the question. No, I have shared custody of my kids but they are with me the majority of the time. I think MM was living in cloud cuckoo land. As my closest friend likes to say, he thought that once we were together my kids would love him, welcome him with open arms and we could all live happily ever after. He really thought his kids would accept the reasons why he left their mother and agree it was the best decision for everyone. In summary he was totally naive. He had underestimated how hard it would be for both families and that there would be a long settling in period / transition. In short he hadn’t anticipated that it would be emotional, stressful and he’d have to put some effort in. He took the easy option and his BS has made all the effort liaising with his sons to reconcile them since he went back. He likes to sit back and let everyone bend over backwards for him. 

[Beca L]

7 minutes ago, S2B said:

Looks like an avoiding personality type.

you dodged a bullet because these types never tell you what’s really bothering them and they justify being mad at others when communicating feelings could have set things straight!

Possibly, I’ve not read much about this type of person. But I agree that he does tend to close off when emotionally things get tough. I think BS is the same. Sometimes I think that’s how they ended up staying together for so long. They both avoid talking about the elephant in the room and just swept it under the carpet. It took him 28 years to finally have enough and I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t want to be with someone like this. Communication is key and that’s something he is unable to do correctly. 

[stillafool]

Was he the one to sit down and talk to his sons about why he was divorcing their mom?

[pepperbird]

48 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I get where you are coming from and understand the question. No, I have shared custody of my kids but they are with me the majority of the time. I think MM was living in cloud cuckoo land. As my closest friend likes to say, he thought that once we were together my kids would love him, welcome him with open arms and we could all live happily ever after. He really thought his kids would accept the reasons why he left their mother and agree it was the best decision for everyone. In summary he was totally naive. He had underestimated how hard it would be for both families and that there would be a long settling in period / transition. In short he hadn’t anticipated that it would be emotional, stressful and he’d have to put some effort in. He took the easy option and his BS has made all the effort liaising with his sons to reconcile them since he went back. He likes to sit back and let everyone bend over backwards for him. 

It's also possible your sons saw what he was doing to you, picking up on cues you weren't even aware of. they love you and want you to be happy- it could be they saw him as a threat to that.
 

[Beca L]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Was he the one to sit down and talk to his sons about why he was divorcing their mom?

He didn’t handle leaving very well at all. He did it just before Xmas. It was very hostile with him and BS. He had spoken to 2 sons about three weeks early and they agreed that he and BS should separate but he didn’t tell them about me which looking back maybe he should have but he had tried to talk to BS about their relationship on many occasions but she would just lose it and he couldn’t face it when things got out of hand. Head in the sand again ! When he left BS wouldn’t allow him back in the house and packed his stuff in bin bags and left them in the garage. He wasn’t allowed to spend Xmas with them even though it was at his mums house. The following few months got progressively worse. BS had a mini break down and MM basically avoided any type of comms with her. Switching off his phone a lot of the time. He avoided things and I see that now. His behaviour towards his family was pretty appalling. I encouraged him all the time to speak to them and try to meet up etc but all the messages and texts he was receiving from both BS and 2x sons were very abusive and vile. I know because he showed them all to me. Lots of very bad language and degrading comments. We were in the throws of a new relationship and blissfully unaware of the damage that was happening around us. All in all I think they are quite a dysfunctional family and I didn’t realise this until I was fully in the thick of it all and I’d fallen in love. I see now that there were red flags but I ignored them. 

[Beca L]

5 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

It's also possible your sons saw what he was doing to you, picking up on cues you weren't even aware of. they love you and want you to be happy- it could be they saw him as a threat to that.

I have one son (12-13 at the time) and two daughters (8-9 at the time) and (13-14 at the time. My youngest loved MM and they got on really well. The elder two found it ok at first but once kids at school realised we were going out they received so many comments and I think it was all very embarrassing and they began to resent him and didn’t want to be seen in public with him, like if we went to cinema or the beach etc. I guess I was just completely naive and stupid. I do regret putting them in that situation and feel terrible about that. Things are better now. He still teaches my son which isn’t great but I think my youngest misses him and it’s sad that she got attached to him. If he sees her in school he’s always friendly and stops to chat with her. It’s sad things turned out like they did. 

[elaine567]

39 minutes ago, Beca L said:

All in all I think they are quite a dysfunctional family

Maybe maybe not, but few families will cope well with a cheating father/husband.
Abusive, vile, degrading comments and bad language  are what hurt. disappointed, angry and upset family tend to throw at men found cheating
Whilst you and he were in heaven, everyone else was in hell...
It is not "dysfunctional" to react badly to a cheater surely?

Edited February 7, 2020 by elaine567

[Beca L]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

It is not dysfunctional to react badly to a cheater surely?

Maybe not but I know that my son would never have sent messages like that to his father. They weren’t just angry and cross type messages they were terrible. I haven’t brought my son up that way. It was like the affair was the tipping point to so many other issues they had with him. He was oblivious to how bad the relationship with his sons really had been up till that point. I think things had been bad for a number of years before I was on the scene. Anyway it wasn’t just that but many other things that had brought me to the conclusion of the dysfunctional family thing.