Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: So when he left the first time to be with you he thought the kids father would have full custody and later that changed? I get where you are coming from and understand the question. No, I have shared custody of my kids but they are with me the majority of the time. I think MM was living in cloud cuckoo land. As my closest friend likes to say, he thought that once we were together my kids would love him, welcome him with open arms and we could all live happily ever after. He really thought his kids would accept the reasons why he left their mother and agree it was the best decision for everyone. In summary he was totally naive. He had underestimated how hard it would be for both families and that there would be a long settling in period / transition. In short he hadn’t anticipated that it would be emotional, stressful and he’d have to put some effort in. He took the easy option and his BS has made all the effort liaising with his sons to reconcile them since he went back. He likes to sit back and let everyone bend over backwards for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 7 minutes ago, S2B said: Looks like an avoiding personality type. you dodged a bullet because these types never tell you what’s really bothering them and they justify being mad at others when communicating feelings could have set things straight! Possibly, I’ve not read much about this type of person. But I agree that he does tend to close off when emotionally things get tough. I think BS is the same. Sometimes I think that’s how they ended up staying together for so long. They both avoid talking about the elephant in the room and just swept it under the carpet. It took him 28 years to finally have enough and I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t want to be with someone like this. Communication is key and that’s something he is unable to do correctly. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 Was he the one to sit down and talk to his sons about why he was divorcing their mom? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 48 minutes ago, Beca L said: I get where you are coming from and understand the question. No, I have shared custody of my kids but they are with me the majority of the time. I think MM was living in cloud cuckoo land. As my closest friend likes to say, he thought that once we were together my kids would love him, welcome him with open arms and we could all live happily ever after. He really thought his kids would accept the reasons why he left their mother and agree it was the best decision for everyone. In summary he was totally naive. He had underestimated how hard it would be for both families and that there would be a long settling in period / transition. In short he hadn’t anticipated that it would be emotional, stressful and he’d have to put some effort in. He took the easy option and his BS has made all the effort liaising with his sons to reconcile them since he went back. He likes to sit back and let everyone bend over backwards for him. It's also possible your sons saw what he was doing to you, picking up on cues you weren't even aware of. they love you and want you to be happy- it could be they saw him as a threat to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 1 minute ago, stillafool said: Was he the one to sit down and talk to his sons about why he was divorcing their mom? He didn’t handle leaving very well at all. He did it just before Xmas. It was very hostile with him and BS. He had spoken to 2 sons about three weeks early and they agreed that he and BS should separate but he didn’t tell them about me which looking back maybe he should have but he had tried to talk to BS about their relationship on many occasions but she would just lose it and he couldn’t face it when things got out of hand. Head in the sand again ! When he left BS wouldn’t allow him back in the house and packed his stuff in bin bags and left them in the garage. He wasn’t allowed to spend Xmas with them even though it was at his mums house. The following few months got progressively worse. BS had a mini break down and MM basically avoided any type of comms with her. Switching off his phone a lot of the time. He avoided things and I see that now. His behaviour towards his family was pretty appalling. I encouraged him all the time to speak to them and try to meet up etc but all the messages and texts he was receiving from both BS and 2x sons were very abusive and vile. I know because he showed them all to me. Lots of very bad language and degrading comments. We were in the throws of a new relationship and blissfully unaware of the damage that was happening around us. All in all I think they are quite a dysfunctional family and I didn’t realise this until I was fully in the thick of it all and I’d fallen in love. I see now that there were red flags but I ignored them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 5 minutes ago, pepperbird said: It's also possible your sons saw what he was doing to you, picking up on cues you weren't even aware of. they love you and want you to be happy- it could be they saw him as a threat to that. I have one son (12-13 at the time) and two daughters (8-9 at the time) and (13-14 at the time. My youngest loved MM and they got on really well. The elder two found it ok at first but once kids at school realised we were going out they received so many comments and I think it was all very embarrassing and they began to resent him and didn’t want to be seen in public with him, like if we went to cinema or the beach etc. I guess I was just completely naive and stupid. I do regret putting them in that situation and feel terrible about that. Things are better now. He still teaches my son which isn’t great but I think my youngest misses him and it’s sad that she got attached to him. If he sees her in school he’s always friendly and stops to chat with her. It’s sad things turned out like they did. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) 39 minutes ago, Beca L said: All in all I think they are quite a dysfunctional family Maybe maybe not, but few families will cope well with a cheating father/husband. Abusive, vile, degrading comments and bad language are what hurt. disappointed, angry and upset family tend to throw at men found cheating Whilst you and he were in heaven, everyone else was in hell... It is not "dysfunctional" to react badly to a cheater surely? Edited February 7, 2020 by elaine567 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: It is not dysfunctional to react badly to a cheater surely? Maybe not but I know that my son would never have sent messages like that to his father. They weren’t just angry and cross type messages they were terrible. I haven’t brought my son up that way. It was like the affair was the tipping point to so many other issues they had with him. He was oblivious to how bad the relationship with his sons really had been up till that point. I think things had been bad for a number of years before I was on the scene. Anyway it wasn’t just that but many other things that had brought me to the conclusion of the dysfunctional family thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, Beca L said: my son would never have sent messages like that to his father. Never say never. Has your son ever had cause to be that angry/disappointed/upset with his father? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 13 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Whilst you and he were in heaven, everyone else was in hell... I see that now but you can’t help who you fall in love with and he had told me that things were so bad with him and his wife that he thought that she would be happy he was leaving. I never anticipated the fall out that happened. I thought his kids would be upset but I didn’t realise the extent to how they would completely turn their back on him. One son said ‘you are dead to me now’ which was terrible for MM to hear. I thought that most people on this site were OW and OM but it sounds sometimes like BS are also contributing. Obviously they may see things differently. Affairs are not the cause of a marriage breakdown but the symptom. Their marriage was on the rocks well before I was on the scene. I can’t understand how she was so shocked by his behaviour. She must have known that things were heading in that direction. It still doesn’t make sense to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 22 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Has your son ever had cause to be that angry/disappointed/upset with his father? No, not as yet. They have a very good relationship. He is a great father. But I guess it may not always be perfect but I would hope that he would never speak to him like that. You just don’t speak to your parents like that, whatever they have done. It was pretty despicable. Not everybody is perfect not even your parents. They are human after all. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 1 hour ago, Beca L said: He didn’t handle leaving very well at all. He did it just before Xmas. It was very hostile with him and BS. He had spoken to 2 sons about three weeks early and they agreed that he and BS should separate but he didn’t tell them about me which looking back maybe he should have but he had tried to talk to BS about their relationship on many occasions but she would just lose it and he couldn’t face it when things got out of hand. Head in the sand again ! When he left BS wouldn’t allow him back in the house and packed his stuff in bin bags and left them in the garage. He wasn’t allowed to spend Xmas with them even though it was at his mums house. The following few months got progressively worse. BS had a mini break down and MM basically avoided any type of comms with her. Switching off his phone a lot of the time. He avoided things and I see that now. His behaviour towards his family was pretty appalling. I encouraged him all the time to speak to them and try to meet up etc but all the messages and texts he was receiving from both BS and 2x sons were very abusive and vile. I know because he showed them all to me. Lots of very bad language and degrading comments. We were in the throws of a new relationship and blissfully unaware of the damage that was happening around us. All in all I think they are quite a dysfunctional family and I didn’t realise this until I was fully in the thick of it all and I’d fallen in love. I see now that there were red flags but I ignored them. Becca I'm sorry I just don't see what you see in this man. Is he drop dead gorgeous? He buries his head in the sand, doesn't talk to his boys and tell them the truth, he puts his relationship with them in his wife's hands instead of being a man and talking to them. His wife (at that time) shouldn't be the go between for him and his boys. He sounds like a damn whimp. He'll never be who you want him to be even if he came back to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: Becca I'm sorry I just don't see what you see in this man. Is he drop dead gorgeous? He buries his head in the sand, doesn't talk to his boys and tell them the truth, he puts his relationship with them in his wife's hands instead of being a man and talking to them. His wife (at that time) shouldn't be the go between for him and his boys. He sounds like a damn whimp. He'll never be who you want him to be even if he came back to you. I totally agree with you. No he certainly isn’t drop dead gorgeous. He is an immature spineless whimp. I think maybe I’m still in love with the ‘relationship’ and how it made me feel and having that someone in my life rather than MM the person. I realise now he isn’t the man I want or need. He needs a nurse maid ! I’m better than that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 You're right Becca. Meditate on this some more and you'll be glad he's gone and back to being her problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 10 minutes ago, Beca L said: I think maybe I’m still in love with the ‘relationship’ and how it made me feel and having that someone in my life rather than MM the person. You are correct and when the right man comes along, and he will, you will be even more in love. Just give it time and have faith. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 23 minutes ago, stillafool said: You are correct and when the right man comes along, and he will, you will be even more in love. Just give it time and have faith. I really hope it does because I have a lot of love to give. Thanks 😃 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 2 hours ago, Beca L said: I thought that most people on this site were OW and OM but it sounds sometimes like BS are also contributing. Obviously they may see things differently. Heh, more like the opposite I think. However, there is a spectrum of views from all sides. 2 hours ago, Beca L said: Affairs are not the cause of a marriage breakdown but the symptom. THAT is not at all always true. There are indeed some burned out and/or disappointed WS's, some who are looking to make their unhappy lives happier, some who find a friendship turning into a slippery slope (and don't have sense or willpower to stop things), and some, frankly, who are victims of abusive spouses. However, there are also waywards who really are cold hearted sociopath types looking for "fun", have personality disorders or strong tendencies towards one, or who for whatever other reason simply don't give a **** about their husband or wife. I suspect most of those types don't bother posting on these boards as they probably have little reason to "process" their emotions over an affair, but once in a while one blows through. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Beca L said: I really hope it does because I have a lot of love to give. You do seem rather even-keeled, which is nice. Maybe if you find a new job it could be closer to a large urban area where there are more single men your age available? Not sure if that's possible for you but perhaps it would kill two birds with one stone... Edited February 7, 2020 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, mark clemson said: You do seem rather even-keeled, which is nice. Maybe if you find a new job it could be closer to a large urban area where there are more single men your age available? Not sure if that's possible for you but perhaps it would kill two birds with one stone... Thanks. That is my plan and I’ve already sent off a number of applications. It may take time but I will keep plugging away. I need to look to the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notmyfinestmoment Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 I was just curious (I know he is a teacher at your school), does he still contact you or has that stopped? Are you in a form of NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 26 minutes ago, notmyfinestmoment said: I was just curious (I know he is a teacher at your school), does he still contact you or has that stopped? Are you in a form of NC? The last conversation we had was on 20th Dec. It all came to a head again as he was leading me on. Meeting me and messaging me telling me he wanted to be with me but the situation was impossible. Then he panics and back tracks telling me he isn’t going to do anything but wait and see what happens. I was very upset and angry and threatened to tell BS but I did nothing. I went away for Xmas with my mum and sisters. Since then I see him most days in school at a distance. One day he even held the door open for me which was very awkward but I just ignored him. I don’t think he’ll contact me. He thinks I hate him. He’s so out of touch about my feelings for him he probably thinks I’ve moved on and got a new BF. Exactly what he did with his wife. It helps him feel less guilty about what he has done. He won’t contact me unless I indicate that I’m open to being the OW again. So it’s been 7 weeks of NC. In 2 years the longest we haven’t been in contact for is 16 wks. This week has been great for me. Messaging on this forum has empowered me to move on. Thank you to everyone who has commented. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 You dodged a bullet because it really sucks trying to have a healthy relationship with an avoidant personality type. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 (edited) On 2/7/2020 at 2:41 PM, Beca L said: I see that now but you can’t help who you fall in love with and he had told me that things were so bad with him and his wife that he thought that she would be happy he was leaving. I never anticipated the fall out that happened. I thought his kids would be upset but I didn’t realise the extent to how they would completely turn their back on him. One son said ‘you are dead to me now’ which was terrible for MM to hear. I thought that most people on this site were OW and OM but it sounds sometimes like BS are also contributing. Obviously they may see things differently. Affairs are not the cause of a marriage breakdown but the symptom. Their marriage was on the rocks well before I was on the scene. I can’t understand how she was so shocked by his behaviour. She must have known that things were heading in that direction. It still doesn’t make sense to me. Please, you;re still doing the "pick me" dance. Stop! You are just torturing yourself, and you don't deserve it. This might help. Take out a sheet of paper ( not your phone or computer) and hand write out all the nasty ways this man treated you. Don't include one single positive. Leave your list for an hour or so and then go back to it, adding to it and editing it as you see fit. Next look at that list. You like to try and blame his wife ( you;re pretty careful) about it, but you still sneak it in there when you can) but look at all the things on your list. Do you really think she's responsible for any of them? Is he that much of a wet noodle that he just bends whichever way the wind blows? Now, do the same about yourself, but make this one a list of positives. Include every positive thing about yourself you can think of. I'm sure there's lots. Again, leave your list for a little while and then come back to it. Look at all the wonderful things about "you". Ask yourself why someone with so much going for her would ever want to waste her life pining for a (expletive deleted) like the guy in your other list. You're too good for him! Edited February 8, 2020 by pepperbird 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 8, 2020 Author Share Posted February 8, 2020 7 minutes ago, pepperbird said: Please, you;re still doing the "pick me" dance. Stop! You are just torturing yourself, and you don't deserve it. This might help. Take out a sheet of paper ( not your phone or computer) and hand write out all the nasty ways this man treated you. Don't include one single positive. Leave your list for an hour or so and then go back to it, adding to it and editing it as you see fit. Next look at that list. You like to try and blame his wife ( you;re pretty careful) about it, but you still sneak it in there when you can) but look at all the things on your list. Do you really think she's responsible for any of them? Is he that much of a wet noodle that he just bends whichever way the wind blows? Now, do the same about yourself, but make this one a list of positives. Include every positive thing about yourself you can think of. I'm sure there's lots. Again, leave your list for a little while and then come back to it. Look at all the wonderful things about "you". Ask yourself why someone with so much going for her would ever want to waste her life pining for a (expletive deleted) like the guy in your other list. You're too good for him! Okay I will do that. Thanks. I’m learning each day. I don’t want to feel this way and I’m trying to change my mindset. Hopefully this task will help. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 17 minutes ago, Beca L said: Okay I will do that. Thanks. I’m learning each day. I don’t want to feel this way and I’m trying to change my mindset. Hopefully this task will help. I hope it can. Let him and his wife sort their way through the muck he's created. That's not your job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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