He went back to his wife after a year together !

[Dora_M]

Thank you Beca L for this topic, it is the answer I was looking for ! You describe exactly my ex AP, his wife, their relationship dynamics. My affair has ended 6 months ago and I am still torturing myself with the "what ifs".  Your story could have been my story. It surely would have been my story. Weak spineless childlike man, strong controlling wife, affair after 20 years of marriage.  After D-day I took one step back in order for him to make the decision by himself. He decided to go back.  I since then torture myself what would have happened if I insisted more to stay with me, if I persuaded him, what if I'd lost the love of my life because I took one step back, staying out of his decision ? Now that I have read this topic and all the wonderful answers given here I see exactly what would have happened. Back and forth to me and his wife. I am so sorry you are in this situation, you seem such a remarkable woman, seeing your comments I believe that you will soon be able to put this relationship behind you and eventually move on. However I can't help but wonder what happened to us and we put ourselves in this position ?? How could we accept to be the second choice ?? 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, Dora_M said:

Thank you Beca L for this topic, it is the answer I was looking for ! You describe exactly my ex AP, his wife, their relationship dynamics. My affair has ended 6 months ago and I am still torturing myself with the "what ifs".  Your story could have been my story. It surely would have been my story. Weak spineless childlike man, strong controlling wife, affair after 20 years of marriage.  After D-day I took one step back in order for him to make the decision by himself. He decided to go back.  I since then torture myself what would have happened if I insisted more to stay with me, if I persuaded him, what if I'd lost the love of my life because I took one step back, staying out of his decision ? Now that I have read this topic and all the wonderful answers given here I see exactly what would have happened. Back and forth to me and his wife. I am so sorry you are in this situation, you seem such a remarkable woman, seeing your comments I believe that you will soon be able to put this relationship behind you and eventually move on. However I can't help but wonder what happened to us and we put ourselves in this position ?? How could we accept to be the second choice ?? 

Thanks Dora M, really appreciate your comments. 
I’m 11 weeks NC and can’t imagine being at 6 months. I guess that’s because I see him most days in school, the time goes very slowly. This morning I had to sit literally 4 ft away from him in a staff meeting, luckily it was only for 5 mins. 
I’m sorry you have been through a tough time. At the time my XAP left his wife he had been married 28 years, met at 17. He’d never dated or suffered a break up before. He had grown up with her, very hard to severe ties with the mother of your children, BF,  companion, ‘mother’ ‘sister’ etc. I can’t believe how naive I was that I actually thought he could walk away from her and live on his own until we could live together. He was strong and brave in the beginning but as the months rolled by he just crumbled under the intense pressure from her and the loss of his ‘family’ as he said. I don’t think I came in to his decision to go back, he didn’t consider me, my feelings or his feelings for me. He was very selfish. Anyway I am trying to move on but there is still a crack in the door or a tiny thread of hope that he could do the right thing. However my head tells me that it would probably never happen or work out. His past behaviour and actions show that he is not a suitable or reliable partner. I deserve better. So do you 🙂 xo

[Dora_M]

Beca, our stories have many similarities. My ex AP and his wife grew up together too. She was the only relationship he's ever had.  He never obtained a complete grown up personality. He was like the child and she was like the mother, she took care of everything in their relationship. Unfortunately I didn't know it  back then because like yours, he came after me strong and confident, he seemed to know exactly what he wanted.... until D-day. She kicked him out of the house and then he was trying to figure out if he wanted to go back or be with me. He almost had a nervous breakdown from his anxiety.  For almost one month we were talking on the phone with me trying to calm him down and make him see the situation clearly.  I didn't persuade him to be with me because I wanted to take the decision by himself. The wife informed everybody in their circle about the A, including their children of age 6 and 9. He went back crawling and throwing me under the bus. He told her that I was just a fling while I knew that I was the love of his life (that's what he told me).  When he told me he wanted to fix his family I went no contact immediately. He came back to me after a while claiming he can't forget me. After two months texting I went no contact again. Now I am one month no contact for the 3rd time and I intend to keep it this way. I have come to the conclusion that in our cases we made them feel more masculine than they ever have been in their marriages.  This is something they will not forget no matter what. The way we made them feel. But they are not capable of taking the big step and go away from their wives, the attachment is too strong. It is not a simple attachment of husband and wife, it is a depending relationship like a mother and child. She even told him when to have a haircut, she took care of everything in his life it is that simple. So how can you expect a man-child to leave his mother (his existence is threatened), in order to be with his girlfriend ?? Because these are the dynamics we are talking about here. 

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, Beca L said:

 I am trying to move on but there is still a crack in the door or a tiny thread of hope that he could do the right thing. 

I suppose “the right thing” depends on your perspective.

I am glad to hear that you are moving on with your life. Wish you all the best...

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, Dora_M said:

He told her that I was just a fling while I knew that I was the love of his life (that's what he told me).  When he told me he wanted to fix his family I went no contact immediately. He came back to me after a while claiming he can't forget me. After two months texting I went no contact again. Now I am one month no contact for the 3rd time and I intend to keep it this way. I have come to the conclusion that in our cases we made them feel more masculine than they ever have been in their marriages.  This is something they will not forget no matter what. The way we made them feel. But they are not capable of taking the big step and go away from their wives, the attachment is too strong. It is not a simple attachment of husband and wife, it is a depending relationship like a mother and child. She even told him when to have a haircut, she took care of everything in his life it is that simple. So how can you expect a man-child to leave his mother (his existence is threatened), in order to be with his girlfriend ?? Because these are the dynamics we are talking about here. 

Hi 

My gosh our XAP’s do sound so similar. Everything you describe is the same with my xmm. I believe he also begged for her to take him back. He spent Xmas with me just before he went back and bought me an expensive present. Yet I know he asked a very close friend of his to lie and say that he had spent Xmas with him and his wife if his BS asked him. He obviously told BS a pack of lies about where he was on Xmas day. I think he may have even called her from my house( I was totally oblivious to this at the time). His own mother and father had separated when he was about 15-16 and they went through a terrible divorce with his dad stalking his mum etc. His mum in the end moved to the other end of the Uk. Leaving XMM with his dad, he was an exceptionally bright pupil and had a scholarship at a top private school. Once his mum left it all went down hill. He was expelled from school and at aged 17 moved away to live near his brother. Within a year he met BS, she became his substitute mum/girlfriend. She asked him to marry her, she made him take her name (they have double barrelled name) within 4 years of meeting her they were married and had a son. He told his own mother after a year of being with her he thought he had made a mistake. Yet here he is 32 years later and still with her. It’s just unfathomable. He has told me on many occasions that I am the love of his life. That I make him a better person and he felt alive with me. Yet he chose her. I agree that his attachment to her is not husband and wife but mother and child.  She is his family and he couldn’t not have her in his life. 
I also agree that they can’t forget how we make them feel, they are unable to move on. I’m sure your XAP will be in touch again. He feels safe and secure with her but there will not be much else there. No intimacy, no emotional connection, happiness??? I think he will come back to you for that. My Xmm’s BS is very butch in her looks and physic. I’m the opposite. His three sons are all gay. She is very domineering and apparently suffered horrific PMT that caused her to scream, shout and be physically aggressive. Throwing things etc. She has been through the menopause now and is calmer and there’s not shouting. Maybe they are happy together. Who knows. But I agree with all your comments and believe that is what has happened to me. 
Very sad but true. I was conned, I do feel terribly foolish and stupid that I believed all his crap. What an idiot I was. 

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I suppose “the right thing” depends on your perspective.

I am glad to hear that you are moving on with your life. Wish you all the best...

Thanks BaileyB. I think what I meant about the ‘right thing’ was that if he doesn’t love his wife the way she wants to be loved or deserves and he is thinking of someone else all the time then the correct thing to do would be to divorce. I think deep down that is what he would like to do but only if everything goes his way and he comes out smelling of roses. 
Anyway it’s kind of irrelevent as I’m trying to forget and move on. It’s one big mess and too much damage has been done. I will stay in NC because it’s the right thing to do even though it is hard and painful. Thanks for the support.  

[heartwhole2]

I doubt it's spinelessness that is keeping him from moving on from a dead marriage and into a better relationship with you. All along it was his spinelessness, his inability to communicate, his conflict avoidance, and his self-absorption that made his marriage untenable. These qualities also led him to cheat. These qualities remain whether he's married or with one woman or another or none at all. Until he works on himself and builds the resilience and empathy and respect for others that he has long lacked, he'll be a poor partner to anyone. "Doing the right thing" is becoming a healthy, whole, honest, compassionate person. By definition that kind of person doesn't make the destructive choices he made and continues to make.

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

I would think it would be easy to get over a man child who cheats and lies.

who would want that long term?

Yes I agree. My problem is that I’m still in love with the person I spent 12 months with. He wasn’t a man child, he was strong and brave. He was optimistic of the future, he wanted to live and travel and he was so happy. It’s like since he went back to her he’s reverted back to his dutiful son role, unable to make any decisions, wimpish and pathetic. Too scared to put a foot out of line in case she tells their boys and he will be ostracised all over again. That’s not attractive. But it’s difficult to forget the old person the one I loved deeply and he loved  me. He’s died and I’m grieving for him. 

[Beca L]

6 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

I doubt it's spinelessness that is keeping him from moving on from a dead marriage and into a better relationship with you. All along it was his spinelessness, his inability to communicate, his conflict avoidance, and his self-absorption that made his marriage untenable. These qualities also led him to cheat. These qualities remain whether he's married or with one woman or another or none at all. Until he works on himself and builds the resilience and empathy and respect for others that he has long lacked, he'll be a poor partner to anyone. "Doing the right thing" is becoming a healthy, whole, honest, compassionate person. By definition that kind of person doesn't make the destructive choices he made and continues to make.

Thank you. Great response and so true. I’m beginning to accept that he definitely is that person but I just wasn’t aware of that fact until recently. He has suggested to me over the last 12 months that he probably needs therapy but I doubt he will do it. He’s the kind of person that would hate to admit he needs to sort himself out and actually follow through on seeking help. From what I know of his marriage there was always very little communication, lots of conflict avoidance and keeping the peace tactics. He is very self absorbed. I don’t know how I hadn’t recognised it before. 
I don’t want to be with someone like that. 

[Luna66star]

I would try to find another job pronto.  He will still contact you & it will be hard to ignore him.  Mine was at work nearby but I moved my desk to an area where can no longer see me.  He's basically a ghost now and I never see him in the halls.  He used to chat all the time with people including me. I found out he was doing the same song & dance routine with other females at work.  I told him to get his act together and that another woman complained he was targeting her.  He was a mess & tried to kiss my butt all the time I'm sure to keep me from hating him and complaining to HR. All about him & saving his butt.

He kept coming to me frequently stressed out looking for my sympathy about all his problems.  How in heck do men think this is going to be attractive to women? It's a turn off.  

The best way to get over him is no contact at all.  It works really well.  Being indifferent (it's hard!) works to him leaving you alone after awhile.  I feel relief now.

 

 

 

 

[Beca L]

15 hours ago, Luna66star said:

I would try to find another job pronto.  He will still contact you & it will be hard to ignore him.  Mine was at work nearby but I moved my desk to an area where can no longer see me.  He's basically a ghost now and I never see him in the halls.  He used to chat all the time with people including me. I found out he was doing the same song & dance routine with other females at work.  I told him to get his act together and that another woman complained he was targeting her.  He was a mess & tried to kiss my butt all the time I'm sure to keep me from hating him and complaining to HR. All about him & saving his butt.

He kept coming to me frequently stressed out looking for my sympathy about all his problems.  How in heck do men think this is going to be attractive to women? It's a turn off.  

The best way to get over him is no contact at all.  It works really well.  Being indifferent (it's hard!) works to him leaving you alone after awhile.  I feel relief now.

 

 

 

 

Thanks. I’m still in NC and I don’t see him that often. We have to attend the same meeting every morning but it is literally for 5 mins. I don’t look at him but it is hard and I wish I could leave but it is not possible atm. 
I don’t think he will contact me. He’s weak and a coward and he will be too worried I might reject him so he won’t risk it. Sorry that you have had to go through something similar. It’s amazing to me that these entitled, lying cheats think it’s ok to drag innocent women in to their train wreck marriages. To use them and con them into thinking that they need rescuing from a miserable life. Yet they then turn 360 and go back to that so called miserable life. It’s shocking!! 

[oldtruck]

On 2/4/2020 at 2:58 PM, Beca L said:

Thanks for your response. I'm not in contact with him anymore, not for the last 6 weeks and I don't intend to either. However I am constantly bumping into him in the corridor at work and I just ignore him but it just makes the whole process of moving on all the more painful. 

You are so true,  he is a very passive man, not willing to be a participator in his own life. Happy to sit back and let everyone else make the decisions.

He is a coward and weak. I'm just sorry I ever got involved with him or fell in love. I've lost all faith in love and honesty. I will probably never trust any man again. 

no you still are in contact with your AP.

even indirect contact such as checking his social media is still having contact.

you want NC then you will have to leave your job. 

[elaine567]

This is a bit like some abusers.
He presents a wonderful front, he love bombs, he is nice, he is  perfect, he then appears to change and it is easy to see the nasty guy he turns into as not the "real him".
The "real him" is a nice guy.
BUT as time goes on it becomes clear that the nice guy is gone, he was never really there, it was a trick, a manipulation designed to get a person hooked...
Many woman wait around as that wonderful guy is not easy to find and if they can fix him, then that would be fantastic..
They think the "real him" will come back one day... he never actually does as the "real him" is the nasty version...

Here the real him is "wimpish and pathetic" , the "strong and brave" guy fighting for your relationship disappeared.

[Beca L]

10 hours ago, S2B said:

That’s not true - he wasn’t the person you thought he was. He was the person he want you to believe he was.

the person he IS - is the liar, weak and afraid man who can’t make change happen.

they aren’t the same man.

Yes, I will have to agree with you even though it pains me to say it. 

[Amethyst68]

Can't you post without bashing the BS, it's either the poor woman's looks or her character. Your MM was obviously attracted to and cared enough about her to get to get married and have 3 kids. I doubt the story you were told was the whole truth, I'd like to hear her side of things or even hear from a neutral party, and that doesn't  include his family.

Your problem is him not her!

BTW what does it matter that his kids are gay or are you are you implying that's his BW's fault as well?

[Dora_M]

This is exactly what happened to me. He came after me brave and strong and confident ready to risk everything for me doing crazy things for me so he made me feel so special ! Then after D day this person disappeared and suddenly I saw a self absorbed, weak person full of complaints about his bad luck (that he was discovered) trying to calm things at home demanding everything to be as before. And although I stepped back and went no contact thanks to this forum and the stories I've read, I still have the first impression of him in my mind, I still remember him as the brave risky man who adored me.... and I can not let go.

[Dora_M]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

Ahhhh, you mean he was a phoney? 😳

just a typical MM

I don't know really ! Was he a phoney or did he changed because of the difficult circumstances following the D day ? And if he was a phoney which one is the real him ?? 

[Dora_M]

On 3/5/2020 at 6:31 PM, Beca L said:

 I agree that his attachment to her is not husband and wife but mother and child.  She is his family and he couldn’t not have her in his life. 

I also agree that they can’t forget how we make them feel, they are unable to move on. I’m sure your XAP will be in touch again. He feels safe and secure with her but there will not be much else there. No intimacy, no emotional connection, happiness??? 

The thing is Beca that they allowed to be treated like children, they liked it, and as they are conflict avoided they let someone else to guide their lives. And instead of raising a voice they chose to have an affair, to feel more masculine than they feel in their every day lives. They are not worthy of a second thought. 

[Beca L]

19 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This is a bit like some abusers.
He presents a wonderful front, he love bombs, he is nice, he is  perfect, he then appears to change and it is easy to see the nasty guy he turns into as not the "real him".
The "real him" is a nice guy.
BUT as time goes on it becomes clear that the nice guy is gone, he was never really there, it was a trick, a manipulation designed to get a person hooked...
Many woman wait around as that wonderful guy is not easy to find and if they can fix him, then that would be fantastic..
They think the "real him" will come back one day... he never actually does as the "real him" is the nasty version...

Here the real him is "wimpish and pathetic" , the "strong and brave" guy fighting for your relationship disappeared.

You have hit the nail on the head here. I read a quote on another site about a similar situation to mine and they described the same as you have said. That it was me projecting all my good qualities on to him and his best behaviour in the honeymoon phase. He definitely pretended to be someone he wasn’t. I can see now that the real him is ‘wimpish and pathetic. Those qualities are not attractive. 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, Dora_M said:

The thing is Beca that they allowed to be treated like children, they liked it, and as they are conflict avoided they let someone else to guide their lives. And instead of raising a voice they chose to have an affair, to feel more masculine than they feel in their every day lives. They are not worthy of a second thought. 

I know. I don’t want or need a man child. She may have won her man back but she got the booby prize !!!! 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, Dora_M said:

And if he was a phoney which one is the real him ?? 

I sometimes wonder the same about my xmm. I always felt that the person I was with for 12 months was someone who had been desperate to come out of his shell for all his life. He felt like he was really living with me but he was unable to keep it up. The stress from the hurt he caused his family was too much to bear. But maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know really. Who knows.  

[Beca L]

7 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Can't you post without bashing the BS, it's either the poor woman's looks or her character. Your MM was obviously attracted to and cared enough about her to get to get married and have 3 kids. I doubt the story you were told was the whole truth, I'd like to hear her side of things or even hear from a neutral party, and that doesn't  include his family.

Your problem is him not her!

BTW what does it matter that his kids are gay or are you are you implying that's his BW's fault as well?

I’m sorry you are upset by some of these posts. 
Are you a BS ? Or do you know one?  You do realise this forum is for the other man or women ?? We are here trying to support each other. We are all going through the same thing. I don’t know why you would be torturing yourself reading these stories if you are. I don’t mean to blame the BS and sorry if it has come across like that. Obviously I haven’t told you all that I know about her and I don’t know her side of the story but naturally I am going to feel negative thoughts towards her. 
The comment about their sons being gay was in reference to the fact that gay sons are much closer to their mothers than straight sons. That is a proven fact. When xmm left for 12 months they surrounded her and protected her. They threw xmm under the bus and she definitely used them to get back at xmm. I’m not trying to say that straight sons would have been any different but what I am saying is that xmm was on the outside of there close group of 4 before I was even in the picture. 
 

[Luna66star]

Beca, have you looked into joining a co-dependence anonymous group in your area? I have been going for past 2 months and I can feel my attachment to MM weakening, while attachment to the group growing.

There are men/women struggling with the co-dependence issues  you describe.  Sure it helps to start up a blog for support.   For me, actually being face to face with others trying to detach from a toxic bond triggers my issues in a much more powerful way.  I open up, I cry, I yell, I truly understand how I got here .. and why I stay stuck. I had 2 totally emotionally unavailable parents.  My father was the worst.  Rarely gave me the time of day, chased women around due to his own absent father and distant mother.  He in turn treated his children the same.  So the cycle moves from one generation to the next. 

I am far from being totally healed.  Maybe I will never be.   I absorb what others in the group do to heal and what new habits they ingrain into their lives to make it more healthy. 

I am taking one step at a time.  Without meaning to sound harsh here, I think you are focusing too much on the drama of this man's life.  This is his journey, he's a grown man who makes his own decisions.  He may benefit from counseling or a group like CODA.  I hope you can re-direct your focus inward.

Be well.

   

.

 

 

[Beca L]

30 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

Beca, have you looked into joining a co-dependence anonymous group in your area? I have been going for past 2 months and I can feel my attachment to MM weakening, while attachment to the group growing.

I would like to but I live in such a small rural part of the UK that I doubt there would be one near me. I did google the other day but nothing came up. Will try again. Being on this site has helped me loads since the beginning of February. 
 

 

33 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

I am far from being totally healed.  Maybe I will never be. 

That is my biggest worry, but I realise that it is totally up to me. It’s all in my head. I’m the only one that can heal me. 

 

36 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

Without meaning to sound harsh here, I think you are focusing too much on the drama of this man's life.  This is his journey, he's a grown man who makes his own decisions.  He may benefit from counseling or a group like CODA.  I hope you can re-direct your focus inward.

I am aware that I do spend too much time focusing on xmm and his life. But I am trying to focus all my energy on myself and my healing. It’s just taking time but I know I will get there. Thanks for the advice and support 

[Beca L]

5 hours ago, Dora_M said:

This is exactly what happened to me. He came after me brave and strong and confident ready to risk everything for me doing crazy things for me so he made me feel so special ! Then after D day this person disappeared and suddenly I saw a self absorbed, weak person full of complaints about his bad luck (that he was discovered) trying to calm things at home demanding everything to be as before.

You are describing my story exactly. I feel for you. But we are not alone. We can get through this.