He went back to his wife after a year together !

[Amethyst68]

Can't you post without bashing the BS, it's either the poor woman's looks or her character. Your MM was obviously attracted to and cared enough about her to get to get married and have 3 kids. I doubt the story you were told was the whole truth, I'd like to hear her side of things or even hear from a neutral party, and that doesn't  include his family.

Your problem is him not her!

BTW what does it matter that his kids are gay or are you are you implying that's his BW's fault as well?

[Dora_M]

This is exactly what happened to me. He came after me brave and strong and confident ready to risk everything for me doing crazy things for me so he made me feel so special ! Then after D day this person disappeared and suddenly I saw a self absorbed, weak person full of complaints about his bad luck (that he was discovered) trying to calm things at home demanding everything to be as before. And although I stepped back and went no contact thanks to this forum and the stories I've read, I still have the first impression of him in my mind, I still remember him as the brave risky man who adored me.... and I can not let go.

[S2B]

14 minutes ago, Dora_M said:

This is exactly what happened to me. He came after me brave and strong and confident ready to risk everything for me doing crazy things for me so he made me feel so special ! Then after D day this person disappeared and suddenly I saw a self absorbed, weak person full of complaints about his bad luck (that he was discovered) trying to calm things at home demanding everything to be as before. And although I stepped back and went no contact thanks to this forum and the stories I've read, I still have the first impression of him in my mind, I still remember him as the brave risky man who adored me.... and I can not let go.

Ahhhh, you mean he was a phoney? 😳

just a typical MM

Edited March 7, 2020 by S2B

[Dora_M]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

Ahhhh, you mean he was a phoney? 😳

just a typical MM

I don't know really ! Was he a phoney or did he changed because of the difficult circumstances following the D day ? And if he was a phoney which one is the real him ?? 

[S2B]

1 minute ago, Dora_M said:

I don't know really ! Was he a phoney or did he changed because of the difficult circumstances following the D day ? And if he was a phoney which one is the real him ?? 

Ask his wife, she knows him best.

[Dora_M]

On 3/5/2020 at 6:31 PM, Beca L said:

 I agree that his attachment to her is not husband and wife but mother and child.  She is his family and he couldn’t not have her in his life. 

I also agree that they can’t forget how we make them feel, they are unable to move on. I’m sure your XAP will be in touch again. He feels safe and secure with her but there will not be much else there. No intimacy, no emotional connection, happiness??? 

The thing is Beca that they allowed to be treated like children, they liked it, and as they are conflict avoided they let someone else to guide their lives. And instead of raising a voice they chose to have an affair, to feel more masculine than they feel in their every day lives. They are not worthy of a second thought. 

[Beca L]

19 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This is a bit like some abusers.
He presents a wonderful front, he love bombs, he is nice, he is  perfect, he then appears to change and it is easy to see the nasty guy he turns into as not the "real him".
The "real him" is a nice guy.
BUT as time goes on it becomes clear that the nice guy is gone, he was never really there, it was a trick, a manipulation designed to get a person hooked...
Many woman wait around as that wonderful guy is not easy to find and if they can fix him, then that would be fantastic..
They think the "real him" will come back one day... he never actually does as the "real him" is the nasty version...

Here the real him is "wimpish and pathetic" , the "strong and brave" guy fighting for your relationship disappeared.

You have hit the nail on the head here. I read a quote on another site about a similar situation to mine and they described the same as you have said. That it was me projecting all my good qualities on to him and his best behaviour in the honeymoon phase. He definitely pretended to be someone he wasn’t. I can see now that the real him is ‘wimpish and pathetic. Those qualities are not attractive. 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, Dora_M said:

The thing is Beca that they allowed to be treated like children, they liked it, and as they are conflict avoided they let someone else to guide their lives. And instead of raising a voice they chose to have an affair, to feel more masculine than they feel in their every day lives. They are not worthy of a second thought. 

I know. I don’t want or need a man child. She may have won her man back but she got the booby prize !!!! 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, Dora_M said:

And if he was a phoney which one is the real him ?? 

I sometimes wonder the same about my xmm. I always felt that the person I was with for 12 months was someone who had been desperate to come out of his shell for all his life. He felt like he was really living with me but he was unable to keep it up. The stress from the hurt he caused his family was too much to bear. But maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know really. Who knows.  

[Beca L]

7 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Can't you post without bashing the BS, it's either the poor woman's looks or her character. Your MM was obviously attracted to and cared enough about her to get to get married and have 3 kids. I doubt the story you were told was the whole truth, I'd like to hear her side of things or even hear from a neutral party, and that doesn't  include his family.

Your problem is him not her!

BTW what does it matter that his kids are gay or are you are you implying that's his BW's fault as well?

I’m sorry you are upset by some of these posts. 
Are you a BS ? Or do you know one?  You do realise this forum is for the other man or women ?? We are here trying to support each other. We are all going through the same thing. I don’t know why you would be torturing yourself reading these stories if you are. I don’t mean to blame the BS and sorry if it has come across like that. Obviously I haven’t told you all that I know about her and I don’t know her side of the story but naturally I am going to feel negative thoughts towards her. 
The comment about their sons being gay was in reference to the fact that gay sons are much closer to their mothers than straight sons. That is a proven fact. When xmm left for 12 months they surrounded her and protected her. They threw xmm under the bus and she definitely used them to get back at xmm. I’m not trying to say that straight sons would have been any different but what I am saying is that xmm was on the outside of there close group of 4 before I was even in the picture. 
 

[Luna66star]

Beca, have you looked into joining a co-dependence anonymous group in your area? I have been going for past 2 months and I can feel my attachment to MM weakening, while attachment to the group growing.

There are men/women struggling with the co-dependence issues  you describe.  Sure it helps to start up a blog for support.   For me, actually being face to face with others trying to detach from a toxic bond triggers my issues in a much more powerful way.  I open up, I cry, I yell, I truly understand how I got here .. and why I stay stuck. I had 2 totally emotionally unavailable parents.  My father was the worst.  Rarely gave me the time of day, chased women around due to his own absent father and distant mother.  He in turn treated his children the same.  So the cycle moves from one generation to the next. 

I am far from being totally healed.  Maybe I will never be.   I absorb what others in the group do to heal and what new habits they ingrain into their lives to make it more healthy. 

I am taking one step at a time.  Without meaning to sound harsh here, I think you are focusing too much on the drama of this man's life.  This is his journey, he's a grown man who makes his own decisions.  He may benefit from counseling or a group like CODA.  I hope you can re-direct your focus inward.

Be well.

   

.

 

 

[Beca L]

30 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

Beca, have you looked into joining a co-dependence anonymous group in your area? I have been going for past 2 months and I can feel my attachment to MM weakening, while attachment to the group growing.

I would like to but I live in such a small rural part of the UK that I doubt there would be one near me. I did google the other day but nothing came up. Will try again. Being on this site has helped me loads since the beginning of February. 
 

 

33 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

I am far from being totally healed.  Maybe I will never be. 

That is my biggest worry, but I realise that it is totally up to me. It’s all in my head. I’m the only one that can heal me. 

 

36 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

Without meaning to sound harsh here, I think you are focusing too much on the drama of this man's life.  This is his journey, he's a grown man who makes his own decisions.  He may benefit from counseling or a group like CODA.  I hope you can re-direct your focus inward.

I am aware that I do spend too much time focusing on xmm and his life. But I am trying to focus all my energy on myself and my healing. It’s just taking time but I know I will get there. Thanks for the advice and support 

[Beca L]

5 hours ago, Dora_M said:

This is exactly what happened to me. He came after me brave and strong and confident ready to risk everything for me doing crazy things for me so he made me feel so special ! Then after D day this person disappeared and suddenly I saw a self absorbed, weak person full of complaints about his bad luck (that he was discovered) trying to calm things at home demanding everything to be as before.

You are describing my story exactly. I feel for you. But we are not alone. We can get through this. 

[Amethyst68]

I'm not a BS, (to my knowledge) I've never been cheated on. My personal involvement with affairs is on here somewhere but to put it shortly I had to watch my young cousin die of cancer after contracting hpv from her husband who had an affair. I had to help nurse a young woman who may have lived except her WH never disclosed the affair not even when she started getting sick, no he waited until it was too late.

Anyway we (the family) may dislike the OW but we certainly don't blame her. The husband disappeared so I tracked down the OW down to make sure she was aware as the disease can lie dormant for years. Trust me full blame for the affair goes to the husband, from me at least!

During the conversion she told me many of the things she had been told, things a lot like you describe and which could not have been further from the truth. 

Anyways I usually come on here to advocate for the truth and STI testing. I also think it's important that everyone WS, AP and BS has full agency in their own lives. The knowledge to make a fully informed decision on what to do next.

I will repeat though your problem is with your MM not his BW but you repeatedly call her out. It's like she's an easy target.

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

I'm not a BS, (to my knowledge) I've never been cheated on. My personal involvement with affairs is on here somewhere but to put it shortly I had to watch my young cousin die of cancer after contracting hpv from her husband who had an affair. I had to help nurse a young woman who may have lived except her WH never disclosed the affair not even when she started getting sick, no he waited until it was too late.

Anyway we (the family) may dislike the OW but we certainly don't blame her. The husband disappeared so I tracked down the OW down to make sure she was aware as the disease can lie dormant for years. Trust me full blame for the affair goes to the husband, from me at least!

During the conversion she told me many of the things she had been told, things a lot like you describe and which could not have been further from the truth. 

Anyways I usually come on here to advocate for the truth and STI testing. I also think it's important that everyone WS, AP and BS has full agency in their own lives. The knowledge to make a fully informed decision on what to do next.

I will repeat though your problem is with your MM not his BW but you repeatedly call her out. It's like she's an easy target.

Hi,

Thanks for your message. I was very shocked about your story and so sorry to hear about your cousin. Just terrible and so sad. I appreciate what you are trying to do and understand now. 
I am fully aware that only xMM is to blame and realise that I have, on lots of occasions, blamed BS as to why he was behaving in a particular way. 
The only excuse I can give you is that when you have strong feelings for someone and care for them deeply it is very hard to relate to this new person that has rejected you. You cannot fathom where they went and how this has happened. He was in my life one day making plans for our future together. Then the next he literally walked back into his old life with her, without any notice. I just couldn’t believe it. So I guess in my ruminating and trying to understand the truth I have tried to blame her. 
Being on this site is helping me to understand that xmm was/is the problem, the cause and ultimately to blame. Us OW/OM don’t deliberately set out to be like this. When emotions are involved and your heart it is very hard to see the wood from the trees !!!! 

[Amethyst68]

I do understand I just think try and see him for who he really is and then think is that man someone you really want.

One of my oldest friends was an OW, she did end up with the MM after years of back and forth. This man told her he left but he never did he just worked a job in another city which meant he moved in with a friend who covered for him. It was odd hours so never regular weekends or anything then the BW found out and all hell broke out. This man was still living with his friend, promising my friend the earth and going back to his wife on his knees groveling, saying he'd do anything to save the marriage. The wife agreed but found out he'd never stopped the affair and went scorched earth on him. I know because I worked with the BW, so did the the OW for a while it was how she met the MM. It was horrible at work for a long while. I didn't know about the affair, she didn't tell me because of my cousin but I still felt awkward.

My friend is now married to the MM but I can't help think she got him by default. I don't mean to be offensive, I just think most MM won't take that final action if the BW doesn't kick them out first. In my friend's case the MM is also trying to replace all their friends with people who don't know about the affair, he definitely doesn't like being reminded of it. Oh and it took years for his kids to behave civilly with him and even talk to my friend, they were young teens at the time.

God, I get long winded, anyway what I'm saying is concentrate on you. I'm in the UK to and I know that some of the services spokeout here aren't so readily accessible or available but do something for you.

[Beca L]

6 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

My friend is now married to the MM but I can't help think she got him by default. I don't mean to be offensive, I just think most MM won't take that final action if the BW doesn't kick them out first.

I agree most MM won’t take the final action. Wimpish and cowardly, fact.

 My xmm has said at times that he has wanted BS to end it so that he could get out of the marriage and still be the good guy. That his kids would still speak to him because he didn’t leave her and the guilt feelings would be less. I’m not sure if he was lying. I’m sure if she did try to end it he’d be begging her to take him back. Anyway I know every affair and situation is different but you are correct my xmm has shown his true colours and they are not very pretty. Just got to get my heart to follow my head now. Got to get him out of my system. 
The BS of my xmm has no idea that we have had sporadic contact over the last 2 years. Both emotional and physical. I don’t know how she would react if she read any of the 1500+emails he has sent during that time. Declaring his love for me and regretting his return to the marriage. All whilst he was supposedly reconciling with her. I know @elaine567 suggests that the evidence would be binned and normal service resumed. So I don’t think the outcome would be as your friend experienced. Some BS will just accept all bad behaviour from the H. That is sad and it allows MM to treat everybody despicable and get away with it. 
Anyway your experiences and advice is welcome. Thanks. 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

the evidence would be binned and normal service resumed

The thing is today almost everything, email and text can be recovered.

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

The thing is today almost everything, email and text can be recovered.

I think my answer was in reference to an OW seeking revenge by telling and providing evidence to the wife. 
That may indeed backfire as a BW who is determined to stay and keep her man, will most likely "bin" the evidence and carry on with her marriage regardless.

[Beca L]

5 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

The thing is today almost everything, email and text can be recovered.

I think what she meant was the wife would read the emails & texts but ignore them and just carry on regardless. OW is not to be trusted and anything they have to say is not to be believed. However these messages came from him to me, you can’t ignore that fact. 

[S2B]

Do EVERYTHING you can to get a new job!

and do that now!

focus on YOUR healing - not ANY of those thoughts about the MM.

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I think what she meant was the wife would read the emails & texts but ignore them and just carry on regardless. OW is not to be trusted and anything they have to say is not to be believed. However these messages came from him to me, you can’t ignore that fact. 

But she is not ignoring it as the OW is not to be believed or trusted, she is ignoring it as to continue with her marriage she cannot afford to dwell on it.
LALALA fingers in ears.
History, water under the bridge...
To dwell on it would be crazy making and most need to look after kids, so they need to be well and just carry on.
I am sure it takes its toll but some are not going to give an OW the satisfaction of showing how upset she really  is.

[Beca L]

29 minutes ago, S2B said:

Do EVERYTHING you can to get a new job!

and do that now!

focus on YOUR healing - not ANY of those thoughts about the MM.

I understand why you would suggest this but it’s not possible. To change jobs would cause far to much upheaval and stress for me and my kids. There are very few jobs locally. It would mean travelling 30 mins or more to work. My children need me, my youngest is only 11. I have no family living near me xh works away a lot and isn’t around in the week to help. This job is convenient for me, I enjoy it and I have some great friends there. It is term time only and school hols. Yes I need to move on from xmm but why should I leave? I am strong, I will get through this. I’m a single mum who works hard and has been through a lot. I have 3 beautiful, loving and intelligent kids. He should leave. He has caused me so much pain and heartache, he is not going to force me out of a job. No way ! 

[Beca L]

33 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

she is ignoring it as to continue with her marriage she cannot afford to dwell on it.
LALALA fingers in ears.

Yes I think that is the case. Anyway it doesn’t really matter as I won’t be spilling the beans. 
I have my own life to get on with. 🙂

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I have my own life to get on with. 🙂

Good.