He went back to his wife after a year together !

[Amethyst68]

I'm not a BS, (to my knowledge) I've never been cheated on. My personal involvement with affairs is on here somewhere but to put it shortly I had to watch my young cousin die of cancer after contracting hpv from her husband who had an affair. I had to help nurse a young woman who may have lived except her WH never disclosed the affair not even when she started getting sick, no he waited until it was too late.

Anyway we (the family) may dislike the OW but we certainly don't blame her. The husband disappeared so I tracked down the OW down to make sure she was aware as the disease can lie dormant for years. Trust me full blame for the affair goes to the husband, from me at least!

During the conversion she told me many of the things she had been told, things a lot like you describe and which could not have been further from the truth. 

Anyways I usually come on here to advocate for the truth and STI testing. I also think it's important that everyone WS, AP and BS has full agency in their own lives. The knowledge to make a fully informed decision on what to do next.

I will repeat though your problem is with your MM not his BW but you repeatedly call her out. It's like she's an easy target.

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

I'm not a BS, (to my knowledge) I've never been cheated on. My personal involvement with affairs is on here somewhere but to put it shortly I had to watch my young cousin die of cancer after contracting hpv from her husband who had an affair. I had to help nurse a young woman who may have lived except her WH never disclosed the affair not even when she started getting sick, no he waited until it was too late.

Anyway we (the family) may dislike the OW but we certainly don't blame her. The husband disappeared so I tracked down the OW down to make sure she was aware as the disease can lie dormant for years. Trust me full blame for the affair goes to the husband, from me at least!

During the conversion she told me many of the things she had been told, things a lot like you describe and which could not have been further from the truth. 

Anyways I usually come on here to advocate for the truth and STI testing. I also think it's important that everyone WS, AP and BS has full agency in their own lives. The knowledge to make a fully informed decision on what to do next.

I will repeat though your problem is with your MM not his BW but you repeatedly call her out. It's like she's an easy target.

Hi,

Thanks for your message. I was very shocked about your story and so sorry to hear about your cousin. Just terrible and so sad. I appreciate what you are trying to do and understand now. 
I am fully aware that only xMM is to blame and realise that I have, on lots of occasions, blamed BS as to why he was behaving in a particular way. 
The only excuse I can give you is that when you have strong feelings for someone and care for them deeply it is very hard to relate to this new person that has rejected you. You cannot fathom where they went and how this has happened. He was in my life one day making plans for our future together. Then the next he literally walked back into his old life with her, without any notice. I just couldn’t believe it. So I guess in my ruminating and trying to understand the truth I have tried to blame her. 
Being on this site is helping me to understand that xmm was/is the problem, the cause and ultimately to blame. Us OW/OM don’t deliberately set out to be like this. When emotions are involved and your heart it is very hard to see the wood from the trees !!!! 

[Amethyst68]

I do understand I just think try and see him for who he really is and then think is that man someone you really want.

One of my oldest friends was an OW, she did end up with the MM after years of back and forth. This man told her he left but he never did he just worked a job in another city which meant he moved in with a friend who covered for him. It was odd hours so never regular weekends or anything then the BW found out and all hell broke out. This man was still living with his friend, promising my friend the earth and going back to his wife on his knees groveling, saying he'd do anything to save the marriage. The wife agreed but found out he'd never stopped the affair and went scorched earth on him. I know because I worked with the BW, so did the the OW for a while it was how she met the MM. It was horrible at work for a long while. I didn't know about the affair, she didn't tell me because of my cousin but I still felt awkward.

My friend is now married to the MM but I can't help think she got him by default. I don't mean to be offensive, I just think most MM won't take that final action if the BW doesn't kick them out first. In my friend's case the MM is also trying to replace all their friends with people who don't know about the affair, he definitely doesn't like being reminded of it. Oh and it took years for his kids to behave civilly with him and even talk to my friend, they were young teens at the time.

God, I get long winded, anyway what I'm saying is concentrate on you. I'm in the UK to and I know that some of the services spokeout here aren't so readily accessible or available but do something for you.

[Beca L]

6 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

My friend is now married to the MM but I can't help think she got him by default. I don't mean to be offensive, I just think most MM won't take that final action if the BW doesn't kick them out first.

I agree most MM won’t take the final action. Wimpish and cowardly, fact.

 My xmm has said at times that he has wanted BS to end it so that he could get out of the marriage and still be the good guy. That his kids would still speak to him because he didn’t leave her and the guilt feelings would be less. I’m not sure if he was lying. I’m sure if she did try to end it he’d be begging her to take him back. Anyway I know every affair and situation is different but you are correct my xmm has shown his true colours and they are not very pretty. Just got to get my heart to follow my head now. Got to get him out of my system. 
The BS of my xmm has no idea that we have had sporadic contact over the last 2 years. Both emotional and physical. I don’t know how she would react if she read any of the 1500+emails he has sent during that time. Declaring his love for me and regretting his return to the marriage. All whilst he was supposedly reconciling with her. I know @elaine567 suggests that the evidence would be binned and normal service resumed. So I don’t think the outcome would be as your friend experienced. Some BS will just accept all bad behaviour from the H. That is sad and it allows MM to treat everybody despicable and get away with it. 
Anyway your experiences and advice is welcome. Thanks. 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

the evidence would be binned and normal service resumed

The thing is today almost everything, email and text can be recovered.

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

The thing is today almost everything, email and text can be recovered.

I think my answer was in reference to an OW seeking revenge by telling and providing evidence to the wife. 
That may indeed backfire as a BW who is determined to stay and keep her man, will most likely "bin" the evidence and carry on with her marriage regardless.

[Beca L]

5 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

The thing is today almost everything, email and text can be recovered.

I think what she meant was the wife would read the emails & texts but ignore them and just carry on regardless. OW is not to be trusted and anything they have to say is not to be believed. However these messages came from him to me, you can’t ignore that fact. 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I think what she meant was the wife would read the emails & texts but ignore them and just carry on regardless. OW is not to be trusted and anything they have to say is not to be believed. However these messages came from him to me, you can’t ignore that fact. 

But she is not ignoring it as the OW is not to be believed or trusted, she is ignoring it as to continue with her marriage she cannot afford to dwell on it.
LALALA fingers in ears.
History, water under the bridge...
To dwell on it would be crazy making and most need to look after kids, so they need to be well and just carry on.
I am sure it takes its toll but some are not going to give an OW the satisfaction of showing how upset she really  is.

[Beca L]

29 minutes ago, S2B said:

Do EVERYTHING you can to get a new job!

and do that now!

focus on YOUR healing - not ANY of those thoughts about the MM.

I understand why you would suggest this but it’s not possible. To change jobs would cause far to much upheaval and stress for me and my kids. There are very few jobs locally. It would mean travelling 30 mins or more to work. My children need me, my youngest is only 11. I have no family living near me xh works away a lot and isn’t around in the week to help. This job is convenient for me, I enjoy it and I have some great friends there. It is term time only and school hols. Yes I need to move on from xmm but why should I leave? I am strong, I will get through this. I’m a single mum who works hard and has been through a lot. I have 3 beautiful, loving and intelligent kids. He should leave. He has caused me so much pain and heartache, he is not going to force me out of a job. No way ! 

[Beca L]

33 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

she is ignoring it as to continue with her marriage she cannot afford to dwell on it.
LALALA fingers in ears.

Yes I think that is the case. Anyway it doesn’t really matter as I won’t be spilling the beans. 
I have my own life to get on with. 🙂

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I have my own life to get on with. 🙂

Good.

[overtherainbow1]

On 3/8/2020 at 4:34 AM, Beca L said:

Hi,

Thanks for your message. I was very shocked about your story and so sorry to hear about your cousin. Just terrible and so sad. I appreciate what you are trying to do and understand now. 
I am fully aware that only xMM is to blame and realise that I have, on lots of occasions, blamed BS as to why he was behaving in a particular way. 
The only excuse I can give you is that when you have strong feelings for someone and care for them deeply it is very hard to relate to this new person that has rejected you. You cannot fathom where they went and how this has happened. He was in my life one day making plans for our future together. Then the next he literally walked back into his old life with her, without any notice. I just couldn’t believe it. So I guess in my ruminating and trying to understand the truth I have tried to blame her. 
Being on this site is helping me to understand that xmm was/is the problem, the cause and ultimately to blame. Us OW/OM don’t deliberately set out to be like this. When emotions are involved and your heart it is very hard to see the wood from the trees !!!! 

Hi Becca,

I wanted to post to you because I noticed you blaming others for the consequences that you are facing currently in your personal and professional lives. You were a willing partner. You knew better. Everyone does. A smart person told me that it is easier to take offense than responsibility. To say you didn't deliberately set out to be like this is avoiding your end of it. Marriage is not easy to get out of. Isn't that the whole point of it? So when people try to act like their marriage is over because they spoke the magic words (I want a divorce, I love you but I'm not in love with you, etc) and now they jumped in bed with someone else, they use funny words like "separated" to justify it. It's hard to be honest with others, harder to be honest with yourself.

Be honest with yourself, reset your situation, and take the path of personal growth and healing. I believe there is truth to the saying that we attract the energy that we put out. When you get to a better spot, you will see the quality of people you attract begin to change.

[Beca L]

4 hours ago, overtherainbow1 said:

Hi Becca,

I wanted to post to you because I noticed you blaming others for the consequences that you are facing currently in your personal and professional lives. You were a willing partner. You knew better. Everyone does. A smart person told me that it is easier to take offense than responsibility. To say you didn't deliberately set out to be like this is avoiding your end of it. Marriage is not easy to get out of. Isn't that the whole point of it? So when people try to act like their marriage is over because they spoke the magic words (I want a divorce, I love you but I'm not in love with you, etc) and now they jumped in bed with someone else, they use funny words like "separated" to justify it. It's hard to be honest with others, harder to be honest with yourself.

Be honest with yourself, reset your situation, and take the path of personal growth and healing. I believe there is truth to the saying that we attract the energy that we put out. When you get to a better spot, you will see the quality of people you attract begin to change.

I woke up this morning feeling really sad and bad about things and then I read your message. It really made me feel better !!!! 
I am fully aware of my part in what happened and I do take responsibility but unless you yourself have been the OW/OM do you really fully understand how people get into these situations. I appreciate you are trying to give advise but tbh a little more sympathy would be appreciated. This MM conned and lied to me. Yes if I had been in a better place emotionally or had better boundaries I may never have got involved with him. But I didn’t. 

I am in my own way trying to heal and move on with my life but my heart is broken and that is fact. 

[elaine567]

---------------------------------------

Edited March 10, 2020 by elaine567

[Poppy's sister]

Many of us do understand 

@Beca L

[Poppy's sister]

Please try not to feel too bad.. And sometimes you have to just let the emotions be.. I think of the sad feelings like waves that have to pass over me. Its best not to try and fight them but also don't wallow in them. 

I use the image of me floating suspended in cool clear blue water looking up at crashing surging swirling white water waves. 

I can see it, I have the sensation of the utter turmoil but some how I am distantced from it... I try looking at it from a protected distance. I try to feel the gentle calm of the still depths. 

I can wait there in my safer space until the storm above has passed. 

Not sure if it will work for you... You might need to find your own imagery.. 

Either way hugs for a bad day

 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Poppy's sister said:

Many of us do understand 

@Beca L

Thanks 🙂 really appreciate the support. 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Poppy's sister said:

Please try not to feel too bad.. And sometimes you have to just let the emotions be.. I think of the sad feelings like waves that have to pass over me. Its best not to try and fight them but also don't wallow in them. 

I use the image of me floating suspended in cool clear blue water looking up at crashing surging swirling white water waves. 

I can see it, I have the sensation of the utter turmoil but some how I am distantced from it... I try looking at it from a protected distance. I try to feel the gentle calm of the still depths. 

I can wait there in my safer space until the storm above has passed. 

Not sure if it will work for you... You might need to find your own imagery.. 

Either way hugs for a bad day

 

Great imagery. I will try to do the same. I was trying to do something similar myself before you mentioned yours, think I prefer yours. Will message you after work. Hope your day is going well. 

[Sinful]

On 3/8/2020 at 6:29 PM, Beca L said:

I understand why you would suggest this but it’s not possible. To change jobs would cause far to much upheaval and stress for me and my kids. There are very few jobs locally. It would mean travelling 30 mins or more to work. My children need me, my youngest is only 11. I have no family living near me xh works away a lot and isn’t around in the week to help. This job is convenient for me, I enjoy it and I have some great friends there. It is term time only and school hols. Yes I need to move on from xmm but why should I leave? I am strong, I will get through this. I’m a single mum who works hard and has been through a lot. I have 3 beautiful, loving and intelligent kids. He should leave. He has caused me so much pain and heartache, he is not going to force me out of a job. No way ! 

Stay strong. I can't imagine having to see my ex everyday at work. I don't even want to see my ex online right now lol.  

[Beca L]

7 minutes ago, Sinful said:

Stay strong. I can't imagine having to see my ex everyday at work. I don't even want to see my ex online right now lol.  

Thanks really appreciate that. It is so tough and I’m still trying to get through it. Some days I don’t see him at all. Others I may see him at a distance a few times in one day. He’s not on any social media at all so at least that is a good thing, as I’m not tempted to look at anything. I really hope the next few weeks you are able to keep NC. These are the hardest times. 

[Sinful]

51 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Thanks really appreciate that. It is so tough and I’m still trying to get through it. Some days I don’t see him at all. Others I may see him at a distance a few times in one day. He’s not on any social media at all so at least that is a good thing, as I’m not tempted to look at anything. I really hope the next few weeks you are able to keep NC. These are the hardest times. 

I will not be breaking nc, but I'm dreading the day that she tries to come running back to me. I'm working on myself and taking time to heal so that I can be ready if/when the time comes. 

Edited March 11, 2020 by Sinful

[Beca L]

9 minutes ago, Sinful said:

I will not be breaking nc, but I'm dreading the day that she tries to come running back to me. I'm working on myself and taking time to heal so that I can be ready if/when the time comes. 

Yeah that will be tough. I guess I don’t think about that anymore because I don’t think my XMM will contact me so I haven’t really thought about it. I guess by the time she contacts you hopefully you will be in a much better place and able to send her packing (if that’s what you want) or just ignore her. 

[sandylee1]

Ive just read the whole thread...lockdown in the UK. Youve received some great advice from a lot of posters  

A couple of things caught my attention. I know you're very hurt,  but you place an awful lot of blame on xmm.... 

 

I think much of his behaviour patterns are as a result of his experience as a child of divorced parents and the acrimonious split. Followed by his dad stalking his mum...then she left and moved far away. 

 

That must have been very difficult for him and it's no surprise he doesn't want to be alone...he lost the nurturing of his mum and that reflected in the issue at school when he was 17.

His dad doesn't sound like he was a great role model.  My point is that everything he went through will have had a long term impact on him.

 

Many parents don't think about how their behaviour affects their children. Just as you didn't think of the impact on your children, of having an affair with a married teacher at the school you work at and that they attend.

 

So many posters are saying he's weak and similar things...I find we live in a society where men struggling with emotions are labelled weak,  where a woman wouldn't be in the exact same situation. 

 

I'm sure his mum going to the other side of the country caused him some emotional difficulties,  which may well have been and still is the reason he needs a female in his life and couldn't deal with the rejection from your children. 

 

It's human nature to want acceptance. He left his wife to be happy with you,  but it wasn't as he expected. 

 

To be honest,  if I was him I would also have reflected on whether I did the right thing. 

 

You put your children in a difficult position and that's not his fault. 

 

He doesn't or didn't have a great relationship with him sons...maybe that's because his dad didn't have a good relationship with him....and he doesn't know how to be that dad...because he didn't experience it himself  

 

I honestly think there's a lot he's carrying from his childhood.

 

So..I guess what I'm saying is that he is a product of his upbringing...... he would have learned certain behaviours from his parents, just as your children will learn from you.

Your children may grow up thinking it's okay to have affairs with married men/women,  because they've seen you do it...they love you and you are their role model. They won't think mum has done anything wrong. Kids at school could have teased them a lot about you...calling you all kinds of names for doing this. Some of them may well be from divorced families because of an OW and feel strongly about it.

Think about the example and values you're setting for them.

Whatever left you with low self esteem and end up in this position can also apply to him.

 

I agree a pp earlier...in that both you and him....maybe his wife are broken in some way.

Painting him as the devil who lured you into this, can make it sound like you have no control over your actions.... it can equally make you sound weak,  which you've accused him being.

 

Don't see him, his wife or yourself as bad...just people who could all benefit from therapeutic support from a counsellor. 

 

At least you wont be seeing him now as the schools are closed. 

 

Take care 

[Beca L]

33 minutes ago, sandylee1 said:

Ive just read the whole thread...lockdown in the UK. Youve received some great advice from a lot of posters  

A couple of things caught my attention. I know you're very hurt,  but you place an awful lot of blame on xmm.... 

 

I think much of his behaviour patterns are as a result of his experience as a child of divorced parents and the acrimonious split. Followed by his dad stalking his mum...then she left and moved far away. 

 

That must have been very difficult for him and it's no surprise he doesn't want to be alone...he lost the nurturing of his mum and that reflected in the issue at school when he was 17.

His dad doesn't sound like he was a great role model.  My point is that everything he went through will have had a long term impact on him.

 

Many parents don't think about how their behaviour affects their children. Just as you didn't think of the impact on your children, of having an affair with a married teacher at the school you work at and that they attend.

 

So many posters are saying he's weak and similar things...I find we live in a society where men struggling with emotions are labelled weak,  where a woman wouldn't be in the exact same situation. 

 

I'm sure his mum going to the other side of the country caused him some emotional difficulties,  which may well have been and still is the reason he needs a female in his life and couldn't deal with the rejection from your children. 

 

It's human nature to want acceptance. He left his wife to be happy with you,  but it wasn't as he expected. 

 

To be honest,  if I was him I would also have reflected on whether I did the right thing. 

 

You put your children in a difficult position and that's not his fault. 

 

He doesn't or didn't have a great relationship with him sons...maybe that's because his dad didn't have a good relationship with him....and he doesn't know how to be that dad...because he didn't experience it himself  

 

I honestly think there's a lot he's carrying from his childhood.

 

So..I guess what I'm saying is that he is a product of his upbringing...... he would have learned certain behaviours from his parents, just as your children will learn from you.

Your children may grow up thinking it's okay to have affairs with married men/women,  because they've seen you do it...they love you and you are their role model. They won't think mum has done anything wrong. Kids at school could have teased them a lot about you...calling you all kinds of names for doing this. Some of them may well be from divorced families because of an OW and feel strongly about it.

Think about the example and values you're setting for them.

Whatever left you with low self esteem and end up in this position can also apply to him.

 

I agree a pp earlier...in that both you and him....maybe his wife are broken in some way.

Painting him as the devil who lured you into this, can make it sound like you have no control over your actions.... it can equally make you sound weak,  which you've accused him being.

 

Don't see him, his wife or yourself as bad...just people who could all benefit from therapeutic support from a counsellor. 

 

At least you wont be seeing him now as the schools are closed. 

 

Take care 

Thanks Sandylee for all your comments. I pretty much agree with everything you have said and my counsellor also came up with a similar conclusion. XMM also admits that what happened with his own parents severely affected him and is one of the reasons why he's desperate not to divorce and cause the same problems for his own sons. I can understand that however his boys are 19, 23, 25 and all live away from home and support themselves. He was 16/17 when his mum left and still at school. I don't think they would be affected in the same way as he was. 

In regards to your comments about my children being teased at school. I don't think kids at school realised that he'd left his wife for me. Other kids just commented that your mum is going out with Mr .... !!! and this was embarrassing. My kids don't really know that we had an affair, they just know we had a relationship then he went back to his wife. They are still young my children and I don't think they know or understand everything. However I accept that in some ways I have not been the best role model and I have learnt a big lesson that I won't repeat.

The whole thing is a terrible mess and still causes me pain. It's been 14 weeks NC and yes now schools are closed it will be easier but also its hard knowing he's isolated at home with her. I wonder how they are coping ? I wish I could just forget him but I feel terribly let down and deceived. The rejection eats away at me and I can't understand how after all his declarations of love to me he still remains with her. Anyway it's only been a week, maybe as the time goes by I may start to make progress. September is a long way away so hopefully time will be on my side. 

Thanks again. How are you coping with isolation ? were you in an A ? are you in NC? 

[texasgreeneyes]

3 hours ago, Beca L said:

Thanks Sandylee for all your comments. I pretty much agree with everything you have said and my counsellor also came up with a similar conclusion. XMM also admits that what happened with his own parents severely affected him and is one of the reasons why he's desperate not to divorce and cause the same problems for his own sons. I can understand that however his boys are 19, 23, 25 and all live away from home and support themselves. He was 16/17 when his mum left and still at school. I don't think they would be affected in the same way as he was. 

In regards to your comments about my children being teased at school. I don't think kids at school realised that he'd left his wife for me. Other kids just commented that your mum is going out with Mr .... !!! and this was embarrassing. My kids don't really know that we had an affair, they just know we had a relationship then he went back to his wife. They are still young my children and I don't think they know or understand everything. However I accept that in some ways I have not been the best role model and I have learnt a big lesson that I won't repeat.

The whole thing is a terrible mess and still causes me pain. It's been 14 weeks NC and yes now schools are closed it will be easier but also its hard knowing he's isolated at home with her. I wonder how they are coping ? I wish I could just forget him but I feel terribly let down and deceived. The rejection eats away at me and I can't understand how after all his declarations of love to me he still remains with her. Anyway it's only been a week, maybe as the time goes by I may start to make progress. September is a long way away so hopefully time will be on my side. 

Thanks again. How are you coping with isolation ? were you in an A ? are you in NC? 

Hey Becca! I’m new to posting here and read through all of this thread not too long ago! I had a few questions for you, but was wondering if there’s a messaging feature on here?