He went back to his wife after a year together !

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Beca L said:

my son would never have sent messages like that to his father.

Never say never.
Has your son ever had cause to be that angry/disappointed/upset with  his father?

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Whilst you and he were in heaven, everyone else was in hell...

I see that now but you can’t help who you fall in love with and he had told me that things were so bad with him and his wife that he thought that she would be happy he was leaving. I never anticipated the fall out that happened. I thought his kids would be upset but I didn’t realise the extent to how they would completely turn their back on him. One son said ‘you are dead to me now’ which was terrible for MM to hear. 
I thought that most people on this site were OW and OM but it sounds sometimes like BS are also contributing. Obviously they may see things differently. Affairs are not the cause of a marriage breakdown but the symptom. Their marriage was on the rocks well before I was on the scene. I can’t understand how she was so shocked by his behaviour. She must have known that things were heading in that direction. It still doesn’t make sense to me. 

[Beca L]

22 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Has your son ever had cause to be that angry/disappointed/upset with  his father?

No, not as yet. They have a very good relationship. He is a great father. But I guess it may not always be perfect but I would hope that he would never speak to him like that. You just don’t speak to your parents like that, whatever they have done. It was pretty despicable. Not everybody is perfect not even your parents. They are human after all. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

He didn’t handle leaving very well at all. He did it just before Xmas. It was very hostile with him and BS. He had spoken to 2 sons about three weeks early and they agreed that he and BS should separate but he didn’t tell them about me which looking back maybe he should have but he had tried to talk to BS about their relationship on many occasions but she would just lose it and he couldn’t face it when things got out of hand. Head in the sand again ! When he left BS wouldn’t allow him back in the house and packed his stuff in bin bags and left them in the garage. He wasn’t allowed to spend Xmas with them even though it was at his mums house. The following few months got progressively worse. BS had a mini break down and MM basically avoided any type of comms with her. Switching off his phone a lot of the time. He avoided things and I see that now. His behaviour towards his family was pretty appalling. I encouraged him all the time to speak to them and try to meet up etc but all the messages and texts he was receiving from both BS and 2x sons were very abusive and vile. I know because he showed them all to me. Lots of very bad language and degrading comments. We were in the throws of a new relationship and blissfully unaware of the damage that was happening around us. All in all I think they are quite a dysfunctional family and I didn’t realise this until I was fully in the thick of it all and I’d fallen in love. I see now that there were red flags but I ignored them. 

Becca I'm sorry I just don't see what you see in this man.  Is he drop dead gorgeous?  He buries his head in the sand, doesn't talk to his boys and tell them the truth, he puts his relationship with them in his wife's hands instead of being a man and talking to them.  His wife (at that time) shouldn't be the go between for him and his boys.  He sounds like a damn whimp.  He'll never be who you want him to be even if he came back to you.

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Becca I'm sorry I just don't see what you see in this man.  Is he drop dead gorgeous?  He buries his head in the sand, doesn't talk to his boys and tell them the truth, he puts his relationship with them in his wife's hands instead of being a man and talking to them.  His wife (at that time) shouldn't be the go between for him and his boys.  He sounds like a damn whimp.  He'll never be who you want him to be even if he came back to you.

I totally agree with you. No he certainly isn’t drop dead gorgeous. He is an immature spineless whimp. I think maybe I’m still in love with the ‘relationship’ and how it made me feel and having that someone in my life rather than MM the person.  I realise now he isn’t the man I want or need. He needs a nurse maid ! 
I’m better than that. 

[stillafool]

You're right Becca.  Meditate on this some more and you'll be glad he's gone and back to being her problem.

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I think maybe I’m still in love with the ‘relationship’ and how it made me feel and having that someone in my life rather than MM the person.  

You are correct and when the right man comes along, and he will, you will be even more in love.  Just give it time and have faith.

[Beca L]

23 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You are correct and when the right man comes along, and he will, you will be even more in love.  Just give it time and have faith.

I really hope it does because I have a lot of love to give. Thanks 😃

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Beca L said:

I thought that most people on this site were OW and OM but it sounds sometimes like BS are also contributing. Obviously they may see things differently.

Heh, more like the opposite I think. However, there is a spectrum of views from all sides.

 

2 hours ago, Beca L said:

Affairs are not the cause of a marriage breakdown but the symptom.

THAT is not at all always true. There are indeed some burned out and/or disappointed WS's, some who are looking to make their unhappy lives happier, some who find a friendship turning into a slippery slope (and don't have sense or willpower to stop things), and some, frankly, who are victims of abusive spouses. However, there are also waywards who really are cold hearted sociopath types looking for "fun", have personality disorders or strong tendencies towards one, or who for whatever other reason simply don't give a **** about their husband or wife. I suspect most of those types don't bother posting on these boards as they probably have little reason to "process" their emotions over an affair, but once in a while one blows through.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

I really hope it does because I have a lot of love to give.

You do seem rather even-keeled, which is nice. Maybe if you find a new job it could be closer to a large urban area where there are more single men your age available? Not sure if that's possible for you but perhaps it would kill two birds with one stone...

Edited February 7, 2020 by mark clemson

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You do seem rather even-keeled, which is nice. Maybe if you find a new job it could be closer to a large urban area where there are more single men your age available? Not sure if that's possible for you but perhaps it would kill two birds with one stone...

Thanks. That is my plan and I’ve already sent off a number of applications. It may take time but I will keep plugging away. I need to look to the future. 

[notmyfinestmoment]

I was just curious (I know he is a teacher at your school), does he still contact you or has that stopped?  Are you in a form of NC?

[Beca L]

26 minutes ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

I was just curious (I know he is a teacher at your school), does he still contact you or has that stopped?  Are you in a form of NC?

The last conversation we had was on 20th Dec. It all came to a head again as he was leading me on. Meeting me and messaging me telling me he wanted to be with me but the situation was impossible.  Then he panics and back tracks telling me he isn’t going to do anything but wait and see what happens. I was very upset and angry and threatened to tell BS but I did nothing. I went away for Xmas with my mum and sisters. Since then I see him most days in school at a distance. One day he even held the door open for me which was very awkward but I just ignored him. I don’t think he’ll contact me. He thinks I hate him. He’s so out of touch about my feelings for him he probably thinks I’ve moved on and got a new BF. Exactly what he did with his wife. It helps him feel less guilty about what he has done. He won’t contact me unless I indicate that I’m open to being the OW again. So it’s been 7 weeks of NC. In 2 years the longest we haven’t been in contact for is 16 wks. This week has been great for me. Messaging on this forum has empowered me to move on. Thank you to everyone who has commented. 

[pepperbird]

On 2/7/2020 at 2:41 PM, Beca L said:

I see that now but you can’t help who you fall in love with and he had told me that things were so bad with him and his wife that he thought that she would be happy he was leaving. I never anticipated the fall out that happened. I thought his kids would be upset but I didn’t realise the extent to how they would completely turn their back on him. One son said ‘you are dead to me now’ which was terrible for MM to hear. 
I thought that most people on this site were OW and OM but it sounds sometimes like BS are also contributing. Obviously they may see things differently. Affairs are not the cause of a marriage breakdown but the symptom. Their marriage was on the rocks well before I was on the scene. I can’t understand how she was so shocked by his behaviour. She must have known that things were heading in that direction. It still doesn’t make sense to me. 

Please, you;re still doing the "pick me" dance. Stop! You are just torturing yourself, and you don't deserve it.

This might help. Take out a sheet of paper ( not your phone or computer) and hand write out all the nasty ways this man treated you. Don't include one single positive. Leave your list for an hour or so and then go back to it, adding to it and editing it as you see fit.

Next look at that list. You like to try and blame his wife ( you;re pretty careful) about it, but you still sneak it in there when you can) but look at all the things on your list. Do you really think she's responsible for any of them? Is he that much of a wet noodle that he just bends  whichever way the wind blows?

Now, do the same about yourself, but make this one a list of positives. Include every positive thing about yourself you can think of. I'm sure there's lots. Again, leave your list for  a little while and then come back to it.

Look at all the wonderful things about "you". Ask yourself why someone with so much going for  her would ever want to waste her life pining for a (expletive deleted) like the guy in  your other list. You're too good for him!

 

Edited February 8, 2020 by pepperbird

[Beca L]

7 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

Please, you;re still doing the "pick me" dance. Stop! You are just torturing yourself, and you don't deserve it.

This might help. Take out a sheet of paper ( not your phone or computer) and hand write out all the nasty ways this man treated you. Don't include one single positive. Leave your list for an hour or so and then go back to it, adding to it and editing it as you see fit.

Next look at that list. You like to try and blame his wife ( you;re pretty careful) about it, but you still sneak it in there when you can) but look at all the things on your list. Do you really think she's responsible for any of them? Is he that much of a wet noodle that he just bends  whichever way the wind blows?

Now, do the same about yourself, but make this one a list of positives. Include every positive thing about yourself you can think of. I'm sure there's lots. Again, leave your list for  a little while and then come back to it.

Look at all the wonderful things about "you". Ask yourself why someone with so much going for  her would ever want to waste her life pining for a (expletive deleted) like the guy in  your other list. You're too good for him!

 

Okay I will do that. Thanks. I’m learning each day. I don’t want to feel this way and I’m trying to change my mindset. Hopefully this task will help. 

[pepperbird]

17 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Okay I will do that. Thanks. I’m learning each day. I don’t want to feel this way and I’m trying to change my mindset. Hopefully this task will help. 

I hope it can.
Let him and his wife sort their way through the muck he's created. That's not your job.

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, pepperbird said:

I hope it can.
Let him and his wife sort their way through the muck he's created. That's not your job.

Have you been through something similar? I sometimes wonder if I will ever get over this. I know he isn’t worth it but it’s very hard turning off your feelings.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi Beca...

I have been through something very similar....   I have been paying close attention to your thread because I know exactly how you feel.  Like you, I am a single mom with 3 kids that are the same age as yours.  Our xMM seem very similar from everything to the conflict avoidance to how he tells you how much he loves you and can't live without you.  Even mine had the idea that when we were trying to blend families it would be easy (even though I knew it wouldn't be).  Only mine could never pull the trigger.  He stepped up to bat to have the conversation of leaving (her not knowing there was an affair) 3 times.  She was very emotional each time and really wanted to work things out (counseling, for the sake of their daughter).  He always felt extremely guilty each time and the indecision set in.   The flip flopping was excruciating.   I always gave him the easy out though.   The last time seemed so different, talks of our future, how our kids would be introduced, finances, etc).   I always worried that even if he had found the courage to leave, he would go back because he couldn't handle the pressure and guilt..  Literally, there is no going back now because as someone referenced here, he is a noodle that bends in whatever direction his feelings take him that day.  

As I have read through your thread, I can draw so man parallels.   The advice you are being given is spot on and I am reading it constantly to get my head on straight as well.   As for wondering if you will get over this, I have to hope so.  I still think of him several times a day, heartbroken over everything that has transpired, mad at myself for giving him another shot at hurting me.    I guess the good news is that all of the happy memories that used to be present when he and I would part ways have been replaced with complete disillusion.  Maybe once the anger clears, we move onto acceptance and then indifference.    I am with you though, it feels like this will go on forever.   

[Beca L]

18 minutes ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

As I have read through your thread, I can draw so man parallels.   The advice you are being given is spot on and I am reading it constantly to get my head on straight as well.   As for wondering if you will get over this, I have to hope so.  I still think of him several times a day, heartbroken over everything that has transpired, mad at myself for giving him another shot at hurting me.    I guess the good news is that all of the happy memories that used to be present when he and I would part ways have been replaced with complete disillusion.  Maybe once the anger clears, we move onto acceptance and then indifference.    I am with you though, it feels like this will go on forever.   

Hi,

I’m so sorry to hear that you are also going through something similar. I totally sympathise and I hope that we can both keep moving forward and that the pain will ease soon. Throughout this week, reading everyone’s comments I have come to realise how terrible he has behaved and how pathetic he is. When this thing all started over 3 years ago I never thought it would come to this, no one would want to put themselves through this pain and heartache intentionally. Even though he did go ahead and leave her and we had more than a year together that fact just makes it even worse for me to accept what has happened. He had done all the hard work and he was about to buy his own place and one of his estranged sons was talking to him yet he still went back. Having to see him every day at school has obviously hindered my recovery and moving on etc. It has also provided the temptation to start communications again and the cycle starts over again and again.... I have so many wonderful memories of our time together but I need to start replacing those thoughts with the real hard fact that he wasn’t prepared to fight for me or put in the hard work to try and ensure things worked out. I’m 52 and my life is mainly looking after my kids. I don’t have any family nearby and only a few friends. If I was a single girl in her 20’s or 30’s I’m sure I’d have gotten over this by now. My problem is that I don’t really do anything for myself as I don’t have the money or time. I spend a lot of time ruminating over what has happened. I know this is really unhealthy and bad for me but I’m unable to stop. I feel so lonely and I guess that’s why I’ve been unable to let go. I’m scared I will always be on my own and that I may never find someone to share my life with. Anyway it’s nice to know that there is someone who 100% knows what I’m going through. I’m so sorry this happened to you when were you last in touch with xMM ? How do you cope? Do you see him around ? Thks

[notmyfinestmoment]

I can only imagine what you are going through.  What happened to you was one of my worst fears in this (after having left, going back).   I don't think any of us really goes into this anticipating where it is going to go or the amount a pain that is at the end of the road.  Before you know it, as much as you are trying to back down your feelings, it is almost impossible to dig your way out.  And I'm sure you believed that because he loved you, he wouldn't do anything to hurt you, in a sense that he knew what his feelings were about moving forward.   But as I look at my divorce, (there was no 3rd party involved), I went back to try to work on things a couple of times before waving the white flag, and believe me, my marriage needed to end.   

I think in a lot of these situations with these MM, while they may be in unfulfilling marriages, they haven't done the work to even take steps to fix it, let alone leave it.   So they get themselves in over their heads in an affair and then don't know what to do.   But I think when they go back (in conflict avoidance, rug sweeper mode), they don't fix anything in the marriage and they just end up right where they were before, which in turn makes them want to feel how they did when they were in the A.  And that is when they contact you again.  It's a vicious circle.   I think I am more hurt and upset that he came back to me so many times promising me he had figured it out.  And I believed that he would never hurt me again.  And I think that is a fatal flaw of the OW.....thinking the MM is going to be able to be mindful of our thoughts and feelings.  It's really naive and foolish because they aren't mindful of their spouses feelings, so why would we think they would be mindful of ours?  

It is understandable why you have the fears you do...Will I ever feel that way again?  What if I end up alone?   Those are normal thoughts to have in any break up, let alone when we are older (I'm 47) and single parents.   And I know it must be so much harder to work together.  When me and my xMM worked together, it was always next to impossible to put the toothpaste back in the tube, we always ended up re-engaging.   I don't have to see him, so that helps now.   Our situation blew up around the same time yours did.  The conversation I had with him about his actions not matching his words was 4 weeks ago and we had our goodbye talk 3 weeks ago.  Since then, we have been NC.  I have no desire to contact him again.  There is just too much hurt there.  I keep trying to keep the perspective that if his family can be saved, it should.  It is a HUGE pill to swallow, but I am trying.    Meanwhile, reminding myself that my own lack of boundaries is what let this very unhealthy situation into my world (my penance I guess). Trying to get to a place of peace with the heartache is a whole other story.   My friends have been great and this board has been great.   I see an IC once a week.   And I have stopped trying to fight the sad feelings.  Watching videos on youtube about being the OW and letting go is good too.   Baggage Reclaim and Post Male Syndrome are also great websites.    

Remember that you deserve more (keep reading this thread...omg, such great words!).   Let yourself grieve...if you need to lay in bed and cry, do it!  It is still pretty fresh for you (mine is too), so allow yourself that.   I am trying to look ahead 2 months, hoping it will feel better, if not just a little.  Remember, you went through break-ups before (including a divorce) and you got through it.   This is no different.   You can try to talk to and therapist too.    While I think you may have scared him off a little by mentioning you would tell his BS, he knows you didn't, so I would not be surprised if he starts contacting you again at some point....be prepared with what you would want to say.   

[Beca L]

6 hours ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

I think in a lot of these situations with these MM, while they may be in unfulfilling marriages, they haven't done the work to even take steps to fix it, let alone leave it.   So they get themselves in over their heads in an affair and then don't know what to do.   But I think when they go back (in conflict avoidance, rug sweeper mode), they don't fix anything in the marriage and they just end up right where they were before, which in turn makes them want to feel how they did when they were in the A.  And that is when they contact you again.  It's a vicious circle.   I think I am more hurt and upset that he came back to me so many times promising me he had figured it out.  And I believed that he would never hurt me again.  And I think that is a fatal flaw of the OW.....thinking the MM is going to be able to be mindful of our thoughts and feelings.  It's really naive and foolish because they aren't mindful of their spouses feelings, so why would we think they would be mindful of ours?  

I couldn’t agree more with what you have said. It’s all so true. The point about MM being mindful of our feelings is the biggest battle I have going on in my head. How could he treat me this way when he constantly professes to love me so much. However as you and many others on this site have pointed out that if he can treat his wife so despicable why to I expect him to treat me any better. I know that he has done very little to repair the damage he has caused at home with BS and done near enough nothing to fix the problems they had before the A. They have not been to counselling or mediation and as others of pointed out normal services have resumed and everything has been swept under the carpet, for a time anyway. I know that occasionally things do come to the surface and there is usually a big row but within a day service is resumed. They are both too scared to do anything drastic in case the other one leaves. However I realise now it’s got nothing to do with me and I’m sick of being his therapist / emotional crutch. He’s on his own now. He can deal or not deal with it himself. 

[Beca L]

6 hours ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

I have no desire to contact him again.  There is just too much hurt there.  I keep trying to keep the perspective that if his family can be saved, it should.  It is a HUGE pill to swallow, but I am trying.    Meanwhile, reminding myself that my own lack of boundaries is what let this very unhealthy situation into my world (my penance I guess). Trying to get to a place of peace with the heartache is a whole other story.   My friends have been great and this board has been great.   I see an IC once a week.   And I have stopped trying to fight the sad feelings.  Watching videos on youtube about being the OW and letting go is good too.   Baggage Reclaim and Post Male Syndrome are also great websites.    

Hi,

I also have no desire to contact him. I know you are concerned that he may contact me but I honestly don’t think he will. He hates being rejected and unless he’s 100% sure I won’t tell him to f...off he won’t do it. He’s a whimp....fact! 
I keep trying to say the same things like you do etc about a marriage being saved but I honestly can’t accept that. His kids have left home and he didn’t have that fact keeping him there. I’m a true believer in honesty (I know some of you may call me hypocritical as I have been dishonest in being part of an A) I didn’t make a commitment to BS, I didn’t lie to her. I think if you are in love with another and think and dream about them you should make the steps to leave and divorce. Regardless if you get with the OW or not. It’s about being true to your spouse. Some MW MM keep flogging a dead horse and it’s a disservice to the BS. They should be allowed to have the opportunity to find love with someone else. I don’t know if my XMM ‘S BS would still be with him now if she knew all the facts. He had told her half the truth to keep her sweet and has played down his true feelings about our relationship and what it meant to him. On the flipped side I realise he does the same to me about how he feels about her. All in all a marriage has been saved but it isn’t the kind of marriage I would aspire to have in the future. It’s just full of lies and fake truths. 

[Beca L]

7 hours ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

Remember that you deserve more (keep reading this thread...omg, such great words!).   Let yourself grieve...if you need to lay in bed and cry, do it!  It is still pretty fresh for you (mine is too), so allow yourself that.   I am trying to look ahead 2 months, hoping it will feel better, if not just a little.  Remember, you went through break-ups before (including a divorce) and you got through it.   This is no different.   You can try to talk to and therapist too.    While I think you may have scared him off a little by mentioning you would tell his BS, he knows you didn't, so I would not be surprised if he starts contacting you again at some point....be prepared with what you would want to say.   

Thanks for all the support and advice. I would like to think I will feel better soon but I’m not very optimistic. It’s like he’s got under my skin and it’s an itch that just never goes away. I am grieving but it doesn’t get any easier as the days pass. I can’t really afford to see an IC atm. Just got to use the websites you suggested and these forums to get me through. Keep in touch. 

[Baman]

I knew he was married 

 I decided to meet up. 

 I was lonely and unhappy also and enjoyed the attention.

That is what happened, you made a bad choice from the get go. Learn from the mistake, don't beat yourself up and don't do it again.

only time will heal

[trackdayguy]

On 2/5/2020 at 12:05 AM, Beca L said:

Hi All,

I've been following messages on this site for a while now and decided that this forum would be the best place to get some advice and support because some of you will have been through the same experience as myself and understand what I'm going though.

Just to fill you in on my story. I am a single mum of 3 teenagers and divorced for 8 years. Over 3 years ago a colleague at work (teacher at school I work in) who I was very good friends with approached me at a staff night out and we chatted most of the evening and at the end he asked if I would like to go for coffee or a walk sometime. I knew he was married and had been for 28 years, he had 3 boys 17,21,24 and he had married at 22.

We were the same age and had a great connection, at first I was not interested but over time (many emails later) I decided to meet up. He told me he was desperately unhappy and lonely and wanted out of his marriage, I tried to give him advice and at first I wasn't interested in him but just wanted to be friends. However I was lonely and unhappy also and enjoyed the attention.

Eventually months later we started a physical relationship, within 6 weeks he left his wife and moved into a rented home. He thought his wife would accept the end of the marriage as they had not been happy for years and were living separate lives however he was so wrong.

She had a mini breakdown and threatened to turn their sons against him.(she achieved her promise) We became a couple, everyone at school knew about our relationship. We travelled together, Italy, Bruges, around the Uk etc. Two of his sons wouldn't speak to him and relations with his wife were very hostile. He began spending more and more time with me and my kids and living in my house 3/4 nights a week.

At first his wife refused to divorce him and wouldn't agree to sell the family home but eventually 8 months after he left she applied for the divorce and the house went on the market. The house sold very quickly and the closing date was set as Jan 8 2018. We looked at a house to buy together and he had an offer accepted on a property that we were planning to renovate together.

That Xmas however a year after he left her he became very depressed about the fact that he'd lost his family, only the one son was talking to him and he was very sad about that. My children didn't like him coming over to my house all the time and the fact that he was a teacher at their school also caused them to take a dislike to him. This also upset him and he realised that after xmas he was going to have to spend more time on his own in his house etc.

We were in love and happy apart from the issues with his family and my children. Then out of the blue after xmas he just went back to his wife. The house sale still went through because it was too late to stop it. I was completely devastated and heartbroken and I couldn't believe why he had gone back to a miserable marriage as he was in love with me. The last 2 years have been horrific, I still work with him and have to see him every day.

He has told me that he regrets going back and he misses me and wishes things could be different. We have had an on and off relationship over the last 2 years which I am ashamed of but I've done it because he kept promising or indicating that he will leave her again. His wife has known about some of it but she hasn't chucked him out. I know I deserve so much better and he's really not worth it but I can't forget him and the wonderful year we had together. I don't seem to be able to move on.

I feel terribly sad that he did this to me and he's now back with his family as if nothing has happened. His sons are all talking to him and they all got together this past Xmas, which really makes me mad. They have no clue that he is cheating on their mother and sending me messages that he's in love with me but can't leave her because of guilt and fear of the unknown.

I don't want to get a new job as this job is very convenient for me as I have 3 kids there and I live near the school however seeing him every day and being reminded of what he did is slowly killing me.

I still love him and feel terribly sad that he did this. Any help or advice would be greatly welcomed. Will I ever feel better?  Why do men do this to women who love them ?Thanks 

Hi I'm sorry for your hurt. Can I encourage you to find wholeness in who you are, you'll never find it in another person. Its only 1/2 people who are looking for their other half.

Terry