He went back to his wife after a year together !

[Beca L]

5 minutes ago, trackdayguy said:

Hi I'm sorry for your hurt. Can I encourage you to find wholeness in who you are, you'll never find it in another person. Its only 1/2 people who are looking for their other half.

Terry

Thanks. I am trying to do as you suggest but sometimes I feel so broken and let down it’s tough. I can honestly say this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and at 52 I have been through some difficult times. My own divorce was tough but I didn’t love my spouse anymore and was happier without him so that made things easier. But to be deeply in love with someone and for them to just dump you when there had been no real indication that anything was wrong it so much harder to get over. I am worried that I may always stay as a 1/2 person looking for their other half. That really scares me. 

[pepperbird]

op ( and whoever else is reading)- the way your MM/MW treated you is not your fault- it's in them.

I was a BS, and for some time after my spouse's affair, I kept thinking it was my fault. If I had just been a better wife, more patient, more understanding, more supportive, kept the house better, was more fun, had a better job, had more energy etc. it never would have happened.
I was miserable until a good friend pointed out that I was in the exact same marriage he was- and I didn't cheat. There was something in him that made it okay to step out.
 

Op, you were married some some time, and it doesn't sound as if it was a particularly happy marriage. It doesn't sound like you cheated though or even considered it, because your ethics/values whatever kept you from doing so. Your MM doesn't seem to share those same values. To him, cheating was a way to cope with a bad marriage. He always had other choices- always. What he chose was to use you for as long as he possibly could, but when push came to shove, he couldn't put on his big boy pants long enough to do right by you or his wife or even his kids.

You could be the most beautiful woman on earth with porn star sex skills, a magnetic personality and have men following your every step and he would still be the same way towards you. that's because this really isn't about you. It's about something lacking in him. I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that, even if he knows how much it hurts you, he'd be fine with starting up the affair again-for his own selfish reasons. Never  mind if it breaks your heart. I'm not saying he's some evil person, just very, very selfish with little to no personal insight.
I've said it before- you're too good for him.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I can honestly say this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and at 52 I have been through some difficult times. But to be deeply in love with someone and for them to just dump you when there had been no real indication that anything was wrong it so much harder to get over. I am worried that I may always stay as a 1/2 person looking for their other half. 

I don’t believe that, but whether you do or whether you don’t is entirely up to you.

Give it time, you need to be single for a while and look inward. Get yourself a good counsellor if you need help to move past this. But, I absolutely believe that you will move past this. Heartache is just that, a feeling that passes if you give it some time and don’t tell yourself limiting things like “I may never get past this, I may always be a 1/2 person...” Good luck. 

Edited February 9, 2020 by BaileyB

[trackdayguy]

3 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Thanks. I am trying to do as you suggest but sometimes I feel so broken and let down it’s tough. I can honestly say this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and at 52 I have been through some difficult times. My own divorce was tough but I didn’t love my spouse anymore and was happier without him so that made things easier. But to be deeply in love with someone and for them to just dump you when there had been no real indication that anything was wrong it so much harder to get over. I am worried that I may always stay as a 1/2 person looking for their other half. That really scares me. 

Hello 

Can I encourage you to buy 2 books. "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw and "Discovering the real you"

Your issue like all of us is rooted in what you've been taught to believe and the pain you've experienced on your journey. Monogamy doesn't work for 2/3 of the worlds people, so trying to think at a different level is tough. The majority of people out there are needy so they suck the life out of their partner to get their own needs met, that sound healthy to you.

It took a complete brain format for me. 

Terry

[trackdayguy]

4 hours ago, Baman said:

I knew he was married 

 I decided to meet up. 

 I was lonely and unhappy also and enjoyed the attention.

That is what happened, you made a bad choice from the get go. Learn from the mistake, don't beat yourself up and don't do it again.

only time will heal

How does that help ? the lady needs emotional support and relational tools, not a sermon. 

[Beca L]

19 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

op ( and whoever else is reading)- the way your MM/MW treated you is not your fault- it's in them.

I was a BS, and for some time after my spouse's affair, I kept thinking it was my fault. If I had just been a better wife, more patient, more understanding, more supportive, kept the house better, was more fun, had a better job, had more energy etc. it never would have happened.
I was miserable until a good friend pointed out that I was in the exact same marriage he was- and I didn't cheat. There was something in him that made it okay to step out.
 

Op, you were married some some time, and it doesn't sound as if it was a particularly happy marriage. It doesn't sound like you cheated though or even considered it, because your ethics/values whatever kept you from doing so. Your MM doesn't seem to share those same values. To him, cheating was a way to cope with a bad marriage. He always had other choices- always. What he chose was to use you for as long as he possibly could, but when push came to shove, he couldn't put on his big boy pants long enough to do right by you or his wife or even his kids.

You could be the most beautiful woman on earth with porn star sex skills, a magnetic personality and have men following your every step and he would still be the same way towards you. that's because this really isn't about you. It's about something lacking in him. I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that, even if he knows how much it hurts you, he'd be fine with starting up the affair again-for his own selfish reasons. Never  mind if it breaks your heart. I'm not saying he's some evil person, just very, very selfish with little to no personal insight.
I've said it before- you're too good for him.

Thanks pepperbird. I really appreciate all your positive comments and advice. I’m sorry that your spouse cheated and that you have also been through a difficult time. Are you still together?
You have made some very valid points and I agree that it wasn’t my fault and that it was something lacking in him. I also agree that if I allowed it, he would happily start things up again as long as I wasn’t too demanding of him. He would have no regard for me and my feelings and he would be happy to lie and cheat on his wife as long as he could get away with it. All because he is very selfish. That won’t be happening. I am just going to have to work through this pain and hopefully time will ease it. 
My marriage was happy to begin with but over time it became clear we weren’t really compatible and my ex husband was verbally and on occasions physically abusive towards me. I do realise from that experience and what I have been through with xMM that I have allowed these men to treat me terribly. I know I have very low self worth,  low self esteem and expectations. This is what I need to work on before I embark on any new relationship in the future. Thanks again, I do deserve so much better. 

[Beca L]

30 minutes ago, trackdayguy said:

Can I encourage you to buy 2 books. "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw and "Discovering the real you"

Thanks. I will try and get copies of them. Appreciate the support. 

[Beca L]

35 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t believe that, but whether you do or whether you don’t is entirely up to you.

Give it time, you need to be single for a while and look inward. Get yourself a good counsellor if you need help to move past this. But, I absolutely believe that you will move past this. Heartache is just that, a feeling that passes if you give it some time and don’t tell yourself limiting things like “I may never get past this, I may always be a 1/2 person...” Good luck. 

Thanks BaileyB. Not having a good day to day. Evenings and weekends are the worst. When I’m at work I’m busy and my mind is occupied with other things. I know that it is up to me to get through this and make the positive changes and reinforcements. I have a lovely family who although they don’t live nearby they are very supportive so I know I can do this. Thanks again. 

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Not having a good day to day. Evenings and weekends are the worst. 

What can you do to help yourself during these times? Can you go for a walk? Go swimming? Call/meet a friend or family member? Learn how to knit? Go visit a friend for a week? You need a plan such that you won’t be bored and alone because that’s when your mind starts to play tricks on you... You need to make yourself busy, at least for a little while. Best wishes.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, trackdayguy said:

How does that help ? the lady needs emotional support and relational tools, not a sermon. 

Actually it helps to face your own poor decisions that lead to your pain so you don't make those choices again.  It is part of support and healing.

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, Beca L said:

 I know he isn’t worth it but it’s very hard turning off your feelings.

You have to redirect your thoughts and actions.  If you are talking and thinking about MM all day of course he is going to stay on your mind.  Plan projects, go out with your kids, exercise, volunteer, anything to not dwell on MM and his wife.

[trackdayguy]

There's some solid wisdom on this forum and many of the people who have commented are speaking the truth. One of the questions I would encourage you to ask yourself is why were you in a bad place to start with. 

Best advice you'll get on this forum, you've already had, so Ill repeat it. "get yourself a counsellor" and start dealing with who you are. 

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

You have to redirect your thoughts and actions.  If you are talking and thinking about MM all day of course he is going to stay on your mind.  Plan projects, go out with your kids, exercise, volunteer, anything to not dwell on MM and his wife.

I know. I’m on half term hols from next Friday for a week so I have lots of jobs around the house to sort out. Going out with the girls from work on Friday. Also planning some activities with the kids. You are so right I need to keep busy. I guess I’ve been feeling so down I haven’t wanted to do anything but I see now that doing nothing is also part of the problem. So I will do as you suggest. Thanks. 

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, trackdayguy said:

There's some solid wisdom on this forum and many of the people who have commented are speaking the truth. One of the questions I would encourage you to ask yourself is why were you in a bad place to start with. 

Best advice you'll get on this forum, you've already had, so Ill repeat it. "get yourself a counsellor" and start dealing with who you are. 

I agree with what you are saying and I will look into getting a IC. Thanks again. 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

What can you do to help yourself during these times? Can you go for a walk? Go swimming? Call/meet a friend or family member? Learn how to knit? Go visit a friend for a week? You need a plan such that you won’t be bored and alone because that’s when your mind starts to play tricks on you... You need to make yourself busy, at least for a little while. Best wishes.

Thanks again. It all makes total sense and I have so many things I could be doing. I’m going to make a list this week of jobs around the house, activities I could be doing both with the kids and some on my own. I appreciate all the suggestions.  Thanks. 

[elaine567]

I agree with getting a counsellor.
But I also need to put a vote in for knitting.
I am no great knitter, but knitting has got me out of a lot of very tough spots in my life.
I have knitted myself through  traumatic situations, many many times.
It redirects your brain away from bad thoughts and gives it something else to think about, it fills in oodles of time and is comforting.  
You can in fact knit anywhere..
It beats crying your eyes out anyway...

[Beca L]

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I agree with getting a counsellor.
But I also need to put a vote in for knitting.
I am no great knitter, but knitting has got me out of a lot of very tough spots in my life.
I have knitted myself through  traumatic situations, many many times.
It redirects your brain away from bad thoughts and gives it something else to think about, it fills in oodles of time and is comforting.  
You can in fact knit anywhere..
It beats crying your eyes out anyway...

😂😂😂 love it. 
I was quite good a knitter once when I was younger so I will seriously consider it. There is a lovely wool shop at the bottom of the road near school and I’ve often thought of popping in. Will start with a scarf I think ! 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

But I also need to put a vote in for knitting.

Agree. I joined a knitting group after the death of my mom. It gave me some social interaction and at home, it kept my mind busy and kept me from dwelling on the grief and the traumatic experience of her illness/death. It’s not for everyone. But for me, it was a godsend.

Edited February 9, 2020 by BaileyB

[trackdayguy]

10 hours ago, Beca L said:

Thanks again. It all makes total sense and I have so many things I could be doing. I’m going to make a list this week of jobs around the house, activities I could be doing both with the kids and some on my own. I appreciate all the suggestions.  Thanks. 

I would also add being "thankful" is a very positive remedy.

[Baman]

18 hours ago, trackdayguy said:

How does that help ? the lady needs emotional support and relational tools, not a sermon. 

I am sorry if that came across harsh to you @trackdayguy, I just boiled it down to the nitty gritty truth of fact. The poor lady made a fundamental error in judgement right at the start. I pointed it out that's all. I am also sure she wont make that mistake again too. 

There are plenty of people giving other  'more helpful' opinions and suggestions, such as yours, which I agree with 100%.

I would hate to see her heal herself with all the good advice and then do what we human do when we don't learn, and make the same fundamental mistakes all over again.

@Beca L, I applogize if you found my comment harsh. I feel your pain, I have been through divorce and break ups, chosen the wrong partners too you know. Choosing the wrong person is part of how we learn what we will not seek next time. Time heals, it really really does.

Baman

 

[trackdayguy]

15 minutes ago, Baman said:

I am sorry if that came across harsh to you @trackdayguy, I just boiled it down to the nitty gritty truth of fact. The poor lady made a fundamental error in judgement right at the start. I pointed it out that's all. I am also sure she wont make that mistake again too. 

There are plenty of people giving other  'more helpful' opinions and suggestions, such as yours, which I agree with 100%.

I would hate to see her heal herself with all the good advice and then do what we human do when we don't learn, and make the same fundamental mistakes all over again.

@Beca L, I applogize if you found my comment harsh. I feel your pain, I have been through divorce and break ups, chosen the wrong partners too you know. Choosing the wrong person is part of how we learn what we will not seek next time. Time heals, it really really does.

Baman

 

Hey, I understand and what you said is part of the truth that she needs to hear, 100%. We all bring wisdom to the table, yours is just as valuable. The reasons that folks end up in these toxic relationships are countless. I just posted an article I wrote several years ago called, "You are your other half" 

Love your humility Banman

Terry

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, Baman said:

I am sorry if that came across harsh to you @trackdayguy, I just boiled it down to the nitty gritty truth of fact. The poor lady made a fundamental error in judgement right at the start. I pointed it out that's all. I am also sure she wont make that mistake again too. 

There are plenty of people giving other  'more helpful' opinions and suggestions, such as yours, which I agree with 100%.

I would hate to see her heal herself with all the good advice and then do what we human do when we don't learn, and make the same fundamental mistakes all over again.

@Beca L, I applogize if you found my comment harsh. I feel your pain, I have been through divorce and break ups, chosen the wrong partners too you know. Choosing the wrong person is part of how we learn what we will not seek next time. Time heals, it really really does.

Baman

 

Hi,

No probs. Sometimes we need to hear or be reminded of the brutal truth of the situation. I guess I definitely made the wrong choices at the start and looking back it was like a snowball affect. I was not interested in MM at all in the beginning. We were good friends and yes I was flattered by the attention etc. but I didn’t fancy him and couldn’t imagine having a relationship with him etc. But he chased and chased and overtime I fell for him. I have learnt a very hard and painful lesson and I wish I had sent him packing in the beginning but I didn’t. I really do hope time heals, it doesn’t feel like it atm. 

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, trackdayguy said:

Hey, I understand and what you said is part of the truth that she needs to hear, 100%. We all bring wisdom to the table, yours is just as valuable. The reasons that folks end up in these toxic relationships are countless. I just posted an article I wrote several years ago called, "You are your other half" 

Love your humility Banman

 

Thanks for your support. Where did you post the article ? Would like to read it. 

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, Baman said:

I would hate to see her heal herself with all the good advice and then do what we human do when we don't learn, and make the same fundamental mistakes all over again.

I get what you are saying and understand your concern. I most certainly won’t make the same mistake again. This has been the most painful experience in my life and one where I have actually second guessed myself all the time. There is a very fine line sometimes between truth and lies and tbh I feel that I may never be able to trust any man again. Are they actually where they say they are? Etc 

It has scarred me and I do not want to experience it again. Thanks. 

[trackdayguy]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

Thanks for your support. Where did you post the article ? Would like to read it.