Coming off as needy in long-distance dating?

[abc88888]

I've been "seeing" this woman long-distance, who unfortunately has grown distant in the past couple of weeks. I've been thinking of what could have possibly gone wrong, and I figured out I could have acted "needy" because of the distance.

For example, there was one time in which I tried calling her in the morning, didn't get response, and I sent her another text at the end of the day to ask if she is alright. She responded, but looking back I shouldn't have followed up too soon.

There were 1-2 other instances in which we were supposed to have scheduled video call during the week, she was busy so she hasn't responded yet (which I knew after the fact), and I'd send follow-up text in 24-48 hours to check her schedules. There was another time in which she hasn't responded for a few days - which was unlike her usual behaviour - so I asked if she was alright.

I think an issue is textual incompatibility; she's said she's not a big texter, but I found texting to be an effective medium given the distance and I want our relationship to progress. We've been texting for many months, almost every day, so I'm surprised this is happening, i.e. she going distant.

Do you think I can fix this situation?

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you ever met her in person?

If not, and there are no plans to do so in the foreseeable future, you are wasting your time. She sounds like she's losing interest. 

[manfrombelow2]

The so-called LDR never works in the first place.

[Limiya]

LDR's are difficult at the best of times.

Basically without active communication, then it doesn't exist or isn't sustainable.
You both need to be on the same page about being available as much as possible for communication, and to both have an end goal of moving closer or one or the other changing their life for the other.
It sounds like she's quite comfortable with distance between you and isn't actively trying to bridge the gap.

Personally, I think this isn't something that will work between you if she is going to be pulling away and not being available on text or phone.
You might have to bring this up with her to discuss it and work out what you really want out of this.

[Goldenllama48]

I am having the same thing happen.

[elaine567]

When people want you and are interested in you, you can never be too needy, (within reason of course, 20 texts at 3am  doesn't often go down well).
Interested people hang on your every word and want to hear from you as much a possible.
When people lose interest, they lose interest, it is rarely about your texting/calling frequency and if it is, it is often too little not too much.

Here you are in a "LDR" with some woman you hardly know.
Few can sustain an LDR for any length of time unless there is a long term plan to close the gap and there is an unshakeable bond that has been created between the two.
Rarely can you create that bond without real life physical contact
Usually a successful LDR occurs when two people meet IRL, but are then temporarily separated, they are already bonded and committed and the LDR is just a glitch in their relationship. Here, what are you to this girl?
You are a texting/calling/videoing buddy basically.
That is not enough for most and it sounds like she is now bored of it.
She is probably looking at men she can actually touch and hold every night if she wants.

Find a girl closer to home, so you can have a real relationship with her.

[Fletch Lives]

On 2/4/2020 at 2:02 PM, abc88888 said:

I've been thinking of what could have possibly gone wrong, and I figured out I could have acted "needy" because of the distance.

People in long distance relationships often are needy.......it's hard to get your needs met when you hardly ever see them.

[justwhoiam]

On 2/5/2020 at 7:33 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Have you ever met her in person?

If not, and there are no plans to do so in the foreseeable future, you are wasting your time. She sounds like she's losing interest. 

Exactly. What kind of relationship is this? How often do you meet? Or is it just texting? If it's just texting back and forth, this is not a relationship. It's a virtual online fantasy. Chances are she got caught up in something more real or promising.

[scooby-philly]

On 2/12/2020 at 4:39 AM, elaine567 said:

When people want you and are interested in you, you can never be too needy, (within reason of course, 20 texts at 3am  doesn't often go down well).
Interested people hang on your every word and want to hear from you as much a possible.
When people lose interest, they lose interest, it is rarely about your texting/calling frequency and if it is, it is often too little not too much.

Here you are in a "LDR" with some woman you hardly know.
Few can sustain an LDR for any length of time unless there is a long term plan to close the gap and there is an unshakeable bond that has been created between the two.
Rarely can you create that bond without real life physical contact
Usually a successful LDR occurs when two people meet IRL, but are then temporarily separated, they are already bonded and committed and the LDR is just a glitch in their relationship. Here, what are you to this girl?
You are a texting/calling/videoing buddy basically.
That is not enough for most and it sounds like she is now bored of it.
She is probably looking at men she can actually touch and hold every night if she wants.

Find a girl closer to home, so you can have a real relationship with her.

Hey @abc88888 - @elaine567 is spot on here. Now - it would be helpful to know if you've met this woman in real life and if so, how much, how frequent, etc. Otherwise, you're just a fantasy. If you have been meeting in real life and have an actual LDR - then as Elaine pointed out you need to eventually come up with a plan to close that physical distance. Otherwise, you're not there for the every day and even if she doesn't cheat or even emotionally cheat, it's not easy and it usually takes a mature woman to make it work.

 

In terms of being needy - look - we all have those moments. Even the most independent, selfish, arrogant person will get needy at some points in their life. What else are relationships for (okay, maybe this is one of a few things they're for) if not for us to be our most vulnerable selves and receive love. Sure, if you start texting 30 times every hour 18 hours a day most people would go nuts. But from what you shared, it sounds like you actually don't communicate too much and probably communicate very infrequently. If you have met irl and she doesn't respond to talk to you for 2-3 days at a time - that's not healthy nor a good sign. If you're just virtual - it's time to let this go. But to your question - no, outside of real mental healthy problems you can't be "too needy" in short spurts for someone who truly cares about you. I'm 6 months out of a LDR relationship. I am 38 she was 24. I don't care about the age gap. But I learned that age = experience and experience = maturity. She had no prior dating experience before me. She lived with controlling parents who didn't let her date. She had low self-esteem issues. She had body image issues despite her being drop-dead gorgeous and relatively thin. She felt shame from her family's socioeconomic status and felt bothered by her parents and grandmother's treatment - babying her on one hand, expecting her to take care of their problems or with technology (they're immigrants from SE Asia). When she first dumped me - oh the first 3 months - I spent so much time wondering "what if". My brain was conditioned as a child to always blame myself for bad things. I spent a lot of time wondering if I had become too needy in the 4-6 months before our split. In reality, I wasn't overly needy, I was also frustrated by her lack of a firm date to tell her parents about us, and I was frustrated by her waning affection. I've learned, in hindsight, thanks to friends/family and folks here on the boards - that nothing I could have done in the long-run would have saved the relationship. Even if I had moved close to her where we could spend more time together throughout the week and on weekends - it wouldn't have changed her family, their treatment of her, nor erased the need for her to one day tell them about us. And that was the main point or barrier. Even though she's smart, going to potentially have a successful career, and has a lot of other great qualities, she's immature and she's not mentally and emotionally ready to realize that the only person who can change her life is her! I told her that over and over. I told her I'd always be there for her. I told her if things ever got so bad at home she had to run away, I'd be there and we could eventually build a family together. But....she wasn't ready to face it. She wasn't ready to confront her parents. She was still a teenager emotionally and mentally. It was like she was 12 and thought her parents could kill her. Most people get out of that mental state by 16 or 18 or 21. Not her. I mean, 5 days after she dumped me, I found her online again looking for something casual and her profile pics were mostly shots of her in bikinis. Like really? And saying things in her profile like "if you had a dog"....(she always wanted one and we talked about getting them when we moved in together)....and only someone local...(which to a certain extant I can understand, but when taken in combination with other things she said and also our relationship and what I learned about her....) she was looking for someone to save her. She was looking for someone to change her life and snap their fingers and suddenly make her parents warm, loving, caring, sane people. As heart breaking as the split was for me, the harder part will be if she ever really falls in love with someone and the do something like that to her or if she falls in love and her parents don't approve and she's not made that mental and emotional leap - she will suffer. Not my worry any more and who knows - maybe things will work her for her. My point OP is that people's actions prove what they want and what they value. and LDRs only work if you're both mature and committed. Don't invest too much in this until she proves she wants it/you

[simpycurious]

On 2/12/2020 at 5:43 AM, Fletch Lives said:

People in long distance relationships often are needy.......it's hard to get your needs met when you hardly ever see them.

These are very true words.  I guess they can work for a period of time but there needs to be an end point where you

can actually be present and together.  

[scooby-philly]

20 hours ago, simpycurious said:

These are very true words.  I guess they can work for a period of time but there needs to be an end point where you

can actually be present and together.  

Lol - I checked this thread for some reason and boom - what I needed. I was in a LDR for close to two years. Ended 6.5 months ago with her dumping me out of the blue. But in reality, since it was LDR and her parents would let her date I can understand how we were both not getting our needs met. But because she wasn't comfortable telling her parents and because she was inexperienced and afraid we couldn't discuss at least closing the gap physically with me moving. At this point, while I can look back and kick myself for so many things I ignored or down played, at least I did not end up moving when she wasn't even mature enough to express her wants or needs to work as a partnership. I could have been in the same boat 6 months, 12 months, 24 months later and would have moved for what?

[JTSW]

On 2/6/2020 at 3:36 PM, thaygiaogiang said:

The so-called LDR never works in the first place.

I 100% agree with this. 

After a while it fizzles and someone gets distant

I really don't see the point of a LDR.

[Mystery4u]

16 hours ago, JTSW said:

I really don't see the point of a LDR.

Sometimes it's just how it happens. I'm currently in my 3rd LDR. First one I met here in London, she was visiting from Brasil. Second one I met when I was on holiday in Greece, she was on holiday from the USA. Current one I met while on holiday in Asia in her home country. When you meet someone who you connect with and want to get to know them more, the easy option is to say 'Oh we live too far apart it won't work'. The challenging option is to say 'We can make it work'. Good thing I love a challenge. Oh and I'm a BOSS who makes the impossible, possible. Yes girls love me for it. 😎

Edited March 20, 2020 by Mystery4u

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Sometimes it's just how it happens. I'm currently in my 3rd LDR.

The whole point of a relationship is to be together, do things together, indulge in romantic things together.

What's the point in being in a relationship when you live in different countries and can't do anything together.

[rjc149]

The proper reaction to women pulling away is to mirror her behavior with *nonchalant indifference.* She takes a few days to respond, you take a few days to respond; she answers with 1-word texts, you answer with 1-word texts; she blows off a Skype date, you blow her off for a while, etc.

NEVER send follow up texts to unacknowledged texts. NEVER ask "is something wrong?" when there are lags in text communication. This is validation-seeking and very needy. It's not hot. Her pulling away from your needy, clingy behavior is a female reaction you can set your watch to. 

Since you haven't replied to this thread since you've started it, I won't get down to brass tacks of whether this LDR is/was an actual sexual relationship with a girl who lives in a different geographical location than you, or if it is/was one of these virtual online courtships that are getting common these days. I hope you resolved the issue. 

[scooby-philly]

They did read it and they cut the rest out because it's all b.s. Sure, I know some LDRs that have worked out. Actually got to work with someone for a project who was originally from the UK and they met someone from California in the USA and eventually the got married, he moved here, and he's a US citizen now. But that's the exception to the rule. And I know they did very specific things like watching movies at the same time together once a week, spent long batches (a week at least) together to experience the "every day" of life together. LDRs normally don't work out because one or both parties either end up 1. Feeling like it's not worth the effort 2. Find someone (on purpose or accident) nearby. There's nothing wrong with trying to make a go of a LDR - but until you're "together" you shouldn't stop exploring local options and until there's a solid plan to "close the distance" there's no reason to be 100% exclusive either or at least not tying up every single second, dollar (or pound in your case), and every bit of emotional energy into someone that you can't "pop round the corner" and surprise on a random Thursday night.

[poppyfields]

Hey guys, there's no need for anyone to be rude, is there?

Anyway, here's my take on all this.

Couples will define a "relationship" (including a long distance one) in their own way.

What works for one couple may "not" work for another.

My bf and I are currently in a LDR, and VERY happy.  We live on opposite sides of the country and see each other every 2-3 months for long weekends. And vacays.

We actually embrace the distant times, the challenge it creates. 

Our connection is very strong, and despite the physical distance, we still manage to maintain emotional closeness and intimacy, even if we don't see each other regularly or sometimes even talk for a few days. 

We don't need to see each other physically to "feel" our connection, it's just there, within each of us. 

I know that may sound odd to some but it works for "us" and who's to say that's right or wrong? 

Someone posted they define a relationship as doing things together, indulging in romantic things together (in person) and if you can't what's the point?

I define it as two people "relating" in an intimate romantic way. Emotionally and physically, which my bf and I do, emphasis on emotional as we are physically limited due to the physical distance. 

Again, no right way or wrong way, whatever works for a particular couple as long as they agree and on the same page. .

To the OP, re what to do in your situation or any dating situation, I 100% agree with what rjc149 posted!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 4, 2020 by poppyfields