Kissed a mutual friend of me/my ex - turns out she still loves me but is now heartbroken

[heymck]

My ex (dated about a year) broke up with me 4 months ago, I said something nasty while drunk.

Accepted it, apologised and let her move on. No contact.

Made a big plan to control my drinking/emotions while drinking and did really well.

2 months later we hook up after a party. After that she wanted to start seeing me more but I tell her I'm still working on myself and need more time alone. To which she respected.

BTW the problem was emotional attachment/dependence.

Very rough time ensued over Christmas. Won't go too much into it but I lost my father, spent the holidays alone and was extremely lonely. 

At my New Year party I got WAY too drunk and made jealous comments of her Snapchatting a male friend. While reassuring me he's just a friend, she tells me "I only love YOU". 

After that, she herself decided we aren't going anywhere since it kinda ruined the night for her. By this point, when I know she still loves me and I'm so needy, I'm fully attached again.

Weeks go by, I'm trying to fight for her. Until we have a convo about where we're at since I'm worrying we're nothing and this is what she says..

- If we carry on its casual, no strings.

- If anything happens with any other girls, don't tell her

- She wants to be single and alone for a year or more

- Happy to be there for me as a mate but doesn't want me thinking it's more than that

- Don't fight/wait for her because it might not go anywhere

- Don't let her stop me moving on/finding someone else who makes me happy

Me overthinking/not seeing positives took that as her being 100% done..but she did say:

- It'd probably hurt seeing me dating someone else

So on a night out I once again get WAY too drunk. Am depressed af (on the inside) and my ex is mega distant through the night. Got quite upset but didn't say anything to her, thought it'd best to leave.

End up going to my place with a mutual friend to pick her stuff up (night out was after a party in my house).

We stay for more drinks and talking about our "Partner" situations since hers is similar and end up kissing, got a bit touchy(she was lying on me), she gave me a hickey, then we stopped when we realised wtf we were doing.

Next day I meet my ex and chill as friends until she notices the hickey. Demands to know where it came from, I do lie about it. Later she guesses it's the mutual friend so I admit it is.

Now atm she thinks 1) we slept together since we went back to my place. & 2) I did it knowing it'd hurt her, and didn't care if it did

And it turns out she was STILL in love with me since New Year. She's devastated I said I'd fight for her then just give up a day later

So now she doesn't want to speak/see me. 

Really can't describe how my head has been the past month or 2. Made so many bad drunk decisions, completely out of character for me.

I do still love her though...And she's said I'm the perfect boyfriend while sober. I'd love to get a second chance in 6 months time when I've sorted my s*** out. 

Do have questions though...

How exactly will she be feeling?

She believes she made it clear where her feelings are

She hasn't blocked me, should I give her indefinite time/space?

I've detached myself from mutual friends/events so she doesn't have to run into me. Also haven't messaged her, except to say "hope you're ok" a week ago

I know what I did was wrong but is there any understanding the WHY it happened from any of you guys?

Already kind of forgiven myself as I know it was a moment of vulnerability when I felt alone. But I also feel like it's just an excuse I'm telling myself..

 

P.S

The "partner" our mutual friend is seeing is a good friend of mine, I've spoke to him. Turns out they're pretty serious - I thought it was just casual. Still broke bro code, no longer welcome in the group

[Mrin]

Here is a fix for everything wrong in your story: stop drinking. Period. Full stop.

[Artdeco]

3 hours ago, heymck said:

Am depressed af (on the inside)

 

on the inside - huh? 

3 hours ago, Mrin said:

Here is a fix for everything wrong in your story: stop drinking. Period. Full stop.

No s***

[kendahke]

Mrin is right on target.

Booze is ruining everything you hold dear...

[preraph]

You need to shut everything down and start attending AA meetings and get sober to have a chance with her. If you don't make that your priority, she is not going to hang in there. You should let her know what you're doing. As is with you drinking she is fine if you just move on. she's hurt because you do it too quick and you do that crap because you're drunk. but just because she got hurt her feelings about you making out with a friend of yours and hers doesn't mean she approved of that or would accept it and that it wasn't just another black mark on your record. 

 

Get sober..

[heymck]

Thanks for the replies guys I am sorting my drinking out. Made huge progress last month (from drinking every day to 3 times in a month) so will continue that. 

Any answers to my specific questions?

[Fletch Lives]

Well since you broke up it wasn't going very well anyway. We call them breakups because they are broken.

But playing with her girlfriend wasn't nice - you could break up her friendship.

Don't feel too bad, you'll find another girlfriend.

[K.K.]

36 minutes ago, heymck said:

Any answers to my specific questions?

 

18 hours ago, heymck said:

How exactly will she be feeling?

“GRRRR-  how dare he kiss another girl and not wait around for me to figure out if I want him or not! HOW DARE HE. Hmmm . ..why are my panties wet.” 

18 hours ago, heymck said:

She hasn't blocked me, should I give her indefinite time/space?

 

Yes. It takes about  3.5 feet of rope for someone to ‘comfortably’  hang themselves and interestingly enough, the same amount of weeks to forgive and reclaim. 

18 hours ago, heymck said:

I know what I did was wrong but is there any understanding the WHY it happened from any of you guys?

Why what happened? The kiss and hickey? It happened the same way it has since the beginning of time. You wanted to make her jealous. It worked. 

18 hours ago, heymck said:

Still broke bro code, no longer welcome in the group

Now see that’s the worst part about the whole thing. Bro code, man. 😞 

Ahh well ... there’s always a price to pay, isn’t there. 

Update often! 

 

[heymck]

2 hours ago, K.K. said:

GRRRR-  how dare he kiss another girl and not wait around for me to figure out if I want him or not! HOW DARE HE. Hmmm . ..why are my panties wet.” 

I think it's more with her being a mutual friend  she was very angry, even insulted me for the first time!

She's fully convinced I knew how she still felt, and that'd it'd hurt her when I did it. No real way she can be convinced otherwise if she doesn't want to talk to me?

2 hours ago, K.K. said:

Yes. It takes about  3.5 feet of rope for someone to ‘comfortably’  hang themselves and interestingly enough, the same amount of weeks to forgive and reclaim. 

I hope so!

2 hours ago, K.K. said:

Update often! 

Will do!

Current plans are to chill with my drinking and don't go near other girls/date.

In 3+ months time when my head is clear I'll reach out to see if she wants to start talking again. If not, will try dating.

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, heymck said:

Made huge progress last month (from drinking every day to 3 times in a month) so will continue that.

get that to zero for the duration of your life.

It's really easy to think you can handle it when the truth is you can't. Do it for the love of yourself and your liver, not to get some girl.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to stop drinking, OP. It is clearly creating problems in your life. 

Having said that, your ex is being unreasonable with regards to you hooking up with someone else. I can understand that she is unhappy you fooled around with a mutual friend, yes, but she is being ridiculous to expect that you "fight" for her after she told you to move on and not wait for her. It is equally absurd that she's now claiming you should have known she was still in love with you. Malarkey. She is being manipulative in saying this now, and it's because her ego is a bit bruised that you got in on with someone she knows. 

My guess? She is exploring another option but didn't want you to move on before her, in case things don't pan out for her and she wanted a fall-back option (you) This relationship was already dead in the water, and she was unlikely to come back to you anyway. This latest incident was simply confirmation that is really is over between you two, and you need to not keep in contact.  

[heymck]

I'm not going to stop drinking completely - but I've calmed down a huge amount. 

Ran into her last night anyway. Was in the same club for a while but left her be

Eventually at the bar coincidentally and had a short convo about a TV show

Good step I think 😊

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, heymck said:

I'm not going to stop drinking completely -

seriously---you really should for health reasons when you make it to your 60's.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, heymck said:

I'm not going to stop drinking completely - but I've calmed down a huge amount. 

Ran into her last night anyway. Was in the same club for a while but left her be

Eventually at the bar coincidentally and had a short convo about a TV show

Good step I think 😊

Good step towards what, exactly?

I don't get the impression she was ever seriously considering reconciliation with you. Even before this kiss happened, she was telling you she wanted to be single and you should move on. Those aren't the words and thoughts of a woman who hopes to one day reunite. 

[heymck]

13 hours ago, kendahke said:

seriously---you really should for health reasons when you make it to your 60's.

I've gone from drinking every day to 2-3 times a month. It's enough for me I think  I've learned not to drink at all if I'm not emotionally vulnerable though

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good step towards what, exactly?

I don't get the impression she was ever seriously considering reconciliation with you. Even before this kiss happened, she was telling you she wanted to be single and you should move on. Those aren't the words and thoughts of a woman who hopes to one day reunite. 

Good step towards being civil with each other. First time we've spoke since it happened.

Idk, she said she was still in love with me and keeping her distance to avoid getting hurt.

[ExpatInItaly]

45 minutes ago, heymck said:

Idk, she said she was still in love with me and keeping her distance to avoid getting hurt.

I don't believe she was still in love with you, man. Everything she said to you before this happened points towards those feelings being long-gone. 

I can understand she's hurt you fooled around with someone she knows, and she's right that you should keep your distance from each other, yes. But I don't think she was leaning towards reconciliation anyway, and that she was simply hoping she would find someone else before you did. 

[heymck]

It does but why would she say she was still in love? and be hurt to the point where it's like I cheated on her or something?

I do know her and there's no chance there's someone else involved  Reconciliation probably was out of the question but the feelings were still there I think, and probably still are. People don't fall out of love in a month like

 

EDIT

 

We did say "love you" to each other on New Year

Edited February 11, 2020 by heymck

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, heymck said:

It does but why would she say she was still in love? and be hurt to the point where it's like I cheated on her or something?

Because her ego is badly bruised that you hooked up with someone she knows. She wants you to feel guilty, but not because she wanted you back. She just didn't want you to move before she did, and certainly not with a friend. 

She wasn't leaning towards getting back together anyway. This just put an extra nail in a coffin that was already shut. 

[heymck]

Bit of an update...

Was both out for a friend's party on Saturday. Didn't speak/look at her all night until we made eye contact and she went and danced with another guy

Asked her to talk and she said she saw me talking to a girl (just a friend) so wanted to make me jealous. Started talking about her still having feelings etc I didn't bring any of it up

Petty thing to do tbh, but it worked haha

Would have been best if I didn't react at all?

[JTSW]

On 2/4/2020 at 8:48 PM, heymck said:

- If we carry on its casual, no strings.

- If anything happens with any other girls, don't tell her

- She wants to be single and alone for a year or more

- Happy to be there for me as a mate but doesn't want me thinking it's more than that

- Don't fight/wait for her because it might not go anywhere

- Don't let her stop me moving on/finding someone else who makes me happy

Me overthinking/not seeing positives took that as her being 100% done..but she did say:

- It'd probably hurt seeing me dating someone else

^^^^She tells you all this, wants to be friends or something casual, is ok with it if you move on with someone, then.....

On 2/4/2020 at 8:48 PM, heymck said:

Now atm she thinks 1) we slept together since we went back to my place. & 2) I did it knowing it'd hurt her, and didn't care if it did

And it turns out she was STILL in love with me since New Year. She's devastated I said I'd fight for her then just give up a day later

She's pissed and declares her love when you do?

What kind of game is she playing?