do all best friends have sex with each other?

[Butterflying]

Recently I found myself in the middle of a "triangle" friendship where Tammy and Karla are arguing over Tammy's friendship with me. I met Karla through mutual friends. She introduced me to Tammy and a host of other friends at an event. Of all the people I met, Tammy and I hit it off great. We exchanged contact information and started hanging out with and without Karla and the other friends. Last summer, Karla moved to a city over 600 miles away. I posted pictures on Facebook of Tammy and I together at my birthday party. It was a group photo with at least 10 other people. Karla saw it and got really upset. She hasn't said anything to me. But she has been reaming Tammy out over it.

Tammy vented to me about this and showed me the cruel text messages from Karla. "What should I do," she asks. I'm not taking sides because I want to be friends with Tammy and Karla. But I feel terrible knowing that Karla is jealous of my friendship with Tammy.

Tammy revealed there's more to the story. Tammy is happily married to a man for nearly 20 years. And she is bisexual. Tammy and Karla have been intimate in the past. But it wasn't supposed to be a big deal. Now Karla is jealous because she assumes Tammy and I are intimate.

I am baffled by how many times I have encountered this problem. Since I was a teenager, it was impossible for me to make female friends because every female I met already had a "JEALOUS" female friend who wouldn't allow me to befriend them. It seems the only way to be friends with someone is to have sex with them. I am starting to wonder if I am supposed to have sex with my friends in order to be sincerely close to them. Maybe this is what has been wrong with me this whole time. I have never had sex with a woman. But I have encountered a lot of bisexual women in my lifetime.

Now that Tammy has confided in me her "sometimes" sexual relationship with Karla, I don't know what to do. I want to remain friends with her. But I don't want to have sex with her. She hasn't even propositioned that to me. I just wonder what it will take for me to be her "best" friend. Without sex I already feel closer to her than anyone else. We've known each other for over 5 years. We have so much in common. Is it possible for women (or men) to be TRUE FRIENDS without having sex? Is sex the "magic key" that creates a real "bond" between two people and nobody likes to admit it?

[preraph]

No, it's not at all normal for good friends to be having sex.  Obviously you're dealing with a couple of people without the best boundaries here.  I mean, Tammy is married and fooled around with Karla.  Karla is overly involved and wants more from Tammy.  Tammy may still be messing around with her.  Even if not, she should have drawn a boundary if the thing ended.  

 

None of this has to do with being friends.  So all you have to do is get huffy if the subject comes up in any context from either of them and say, "Huh! I don't eff MY friends.  I stay in my lane."  That tells either of them "no" and also lets them know you think they're out of line.

[RecentChange]

What?!

I am heterosexual, as are the majority of my female friends. Some of us have been close friends for just about all of our lives (since middle school, and we are now early 40s).

Never ever ever have I had any sort of sexual relationship with any friend, and never any female. Never heard of any such thing happening in our social circle either.

No, you don't have to have sex to be friends. Holy moly what is our society coming to?

You know what it takes for me to be best friends with someone? Openness and honestly. Caring and understanding. Being dependable - a shoulder to cry on, a person to celebrate your success. Someone who understands where I have been and where I am going.

No sex, I would argue throwing sex into the mix is a great way to ruin a friendship. Maybe if your friends weren't having sex, but rather had healthy boundaries there wouldn't be so much drama. 

[major_merrick]

Even in my social circle, not all good female friends have sex.  Some do, but most don't.  And the ones who do are usually NOT married, and it usually happens earlier in life than the stage where you and your friends seem to be at.  Most of the time, when girls are having "friend sex" it is just teenagers who need to scratch the itch and nobody else is available.  Usually when friendship leads to consistent sex it becomes more than a friendship.  Plenty of people have best friends that they DON'T have sex with.

[mark clemson]

^^^^ agree with the above. Thought it would go without saying.

Is it possible you unconsciously gravitate towards bi women for friendships?

I think Tammy needs to just directly explain to Karla that there's only friendship between the two of you. If Karla can't take her word on it well, that's on Karla, no?

[FMW]

I agree with Mark, I think it probably has to do with you, with what draws you to friendships.  I'm 55 - I've NEVER been aware of any of my many female friends over the years having sex with each other.   

[2BGoodAgain]

if you feel you need to have sex to be someone's friend, that's a good indication someone has poor boundaries.

 

[K.K.]

15 hours ago, Butterflying said:

 We have so much in common. Is it possible for women (or men) to be TRUE FRIENDS without having sex? Is sex the "magic key" that creates a real "bond" between two people and nobody likes to admit it?

Let’s hope so or all of those Scentsy parties could get wayyy out of hand, know wha I sayin?  

[Foxhall]

hmmn Karla, woman of strength, intelligence and beauty,

(lol never mind, just rambling)

[MsJayne]

Tammy and Karla both sound bat$hit crazy. 

[SabreTeeth]

1st there's an old saying - birds of a feather flock together. So if you continually befriend bi-sexual women, no offense, you are either curious about having sex with another women or you give off some vibe that you'd be into it. I've a few gay/bi friends but they aren't the majority or the routine of my friendships like it seems to be with you. 

2nd plenty of people can be best friends without ever having sex. This includes women/women, men/men or women/men friendships. Literally it comes down to boundaries and probably to some degree respect (both self & for the other person). 


But I've a number of close friends (female & male) that we're so close we can start chatting on facebook after ten years & thousands of miles apart as if neither time or distance existed. I've never had sex with any one of them. 

[Els]

Haha, no.....

[RecentChange]

This is akin to asking

Are all women homosexual? Or at least strongly bisexual?

And again my answer would be no - far from it.  

[major_merrick]

@RecentChange LOL but I would guess that the majority of women are bi-curious under the right circumstances.....

If you're friends with bisexual or lesbian girls, expect to have some drama with other girls their banging....perhaps that's the takeaway from this one? 

[Butterflying]

To the idea that something about “me” attracts bi-sexual women...🤔 I am self-ware. I have wondered this as well. I can certainly see how many people are attracted to me regardless of their gender. I am not married. No kids. Great career. Financially secure. Happy. Easy to get a long  with. Fun personality, although not the life of a party. 
 
I have always had a challenge keeping female friends, since childhood. I recall my best friend stopped communicating with me because one of her other friends didn’t like me. And I never knew the other friend. Now as adults, I am friends with the former BFF on social media. But we never communicate. Our lives are so different now. We missed a lot by not remaining friends. 
 

In high school I was directly told by a female that I thought was friendly: “I don’t want to be your friend because I already have enough friends.” This was after she & I had been spending time together at each other’s houses. Our parents are friends. And she does have a best friend she has known since elementary school. All these years later they are still close on social media & otherwise. 
 

I had one BFF in high school. Our friendship ended when we started having boyfriends. Hers was a guy who told her he was attracted to me. She got jealous & distanced me. She accused me of wanting to steal him, even though I had a boyfriend of my own & not the least bit interested in hers. 

I just wonder why I never had that fortune of keeping a friendship so long. It’s too late to go back in time. But it’s even harder to make friends as adults. I just want to keep the friends I get, not judge them or push them away. 😥

[FMW]

You don't have to judge or push them away.  Just remain aware and act accordingly.  You don't have to get rid of your friends, just be open to expanding that circle with different types of people.

I moved around a lot when I was in my 20s and 30s so I lost touch with most of my high school and college friends.  Most of my closest friends now I've made in recent years.  They are people with whom I share similarities in lifestyle and interests, both which have evolved over the years.    

As for making new friends - My new friends in recent years have come from work and from the people who share how I spend a lot of my free time.  I work for a very large corporation and live in a large city, so I'm exposed to a lot of people and it's probably easier for me to connect with new people than it might be for someone who works and lives in a smaller area. 

Just be open to conversations with people you don't know, either start them or respond if they initiate.  Be curious about other people, most of us are flattered by the authentic interest of others.   Just like with romantic interests, you never know when or where you'll meet a new friend.