NativeSon Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 My wife of 28 years recently received a friend request from her old ex-boyfriend (he’s married). He’s said some things in the past that indicated he still had feelings for her and their relationship was physical when they dated. Given their own past and his possible feelings...go figure I don’t like him and my wife knows that...but she accepted the friend request because she doesn’t want to feel controlled by me. When I found out I got really angry and kinda said she had to unfriend him or else it would be a problem. She did but it actually made the situation worse. Now she brings it up all the time as an example of me being controlling. Am I just being an immature controlling douche or was she wrong? So while I’m typing this she asked what I was doing so I told her. She said she didn’t want me to post it because “what if they tell you that you’re not controlling...it doesn’t matter what they think...it hurt me.” So she can be friends with an ex but I can’t ask the opinion of strangers??? Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 A lot of people will say never be friends with an ex, I tend to disagree, I'm friends with a few of mine. They are ex's for a reason, and I've explained them to my husband for example, I found out that one was a meth user, so dumped him. My husband knows I'll never go back to him because of this. I think that if you know the reason why they split and that reason was a deal breaker for her, and she would never go back for that reason then I think you should trust her. I would never tell my husband who he can and can't be friends with and I won't allow him to tell me who I can and can't be friends with either. We trust each other to be faithful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Have they kept in contact at all all these years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NativeSon Posted February 5, 2020 Author Share Posted February 5, 2020 No they haven’t Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Your wife is being unreasonable and disrespectful. Spouses shouldn't be conversing with exes who still have feelings for them-unless the spouses plan on cheating with the exes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 I mean it's almost 30 years later. The chances of either of them finding the other even attractive are pretty low. I wouldn't get too worked up about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 (edited) Well, if your wife had your feelings, your happiness, and your relationship as her priority, it wouldn’t even be an issue. While I do believe it is possible to remain friends with an ex, the fact that he still has feelings for her is a problem. I think the chances that they would do anything inappropriate are small, but - stranger things have happened. Personally, I would never do anything that made my significant other feels uncomfortable. I would want him to feel secure in our relationship and his happiness would matter more to me than that of an ex-boyfriend. Edited February 5, 2020 by BaileyB 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 OP, have to wonder why this particular item has her so worked up? How’s your relationship in general? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 "Wow, I'm really glad my wife friended her ex boyfriend on Facebook. It really helped our marriage" said no married dude ever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 47 minutes ago, Mrin said: "Wow, I'm really glad my wife friended her ex boyfriend on Facebook. It really helped our marriage" said no married dude ever. My husband doesn’t mind me being friends with my ex’s he used to work with one before we all knew each other.. he doesn’t feel threatened or uncomfortable with it. 🤷🏼♂️ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 (edited) As the spouse, you get to determine what's a reasonable boundary. IMO you should have the "right" to nix any specific friend. It's because you feel threatened, which is reasonable in this case. Consider explaining why and that SHE has the reciprocal right to nix any specific friend of yours IF she feels threatened by her. If you feel so threatened that you constantly worry and won't let her have any male friends, even ones it's clear she'd never be attracted to, and you see the need to interfere in her female friendships that are supportive of your marriage generally, then yes, you're being controlling. Edited February 5, 2020 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NativeSon Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 On 2/4/2020 at 10:17 PM, Mr. Lucky said: OP, have to wonder why this particular item has her so worked up? How’s your relationship in general? Mr. Lucky In general it’s strained right now. I suspect that the general strain contributed to her willingness to exercise her freedom and befriend him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NativeSon Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 7 hours ago, S2B said: What was the outcome of your situation? Any update? We’re still hanging on by a thread...she doesn’t know I actually posted this. After seeing the initial responses I felt vindicated and I decided to keep it all to myself. I told her the next morning that we should agree to not bring up the past (i.e., her accusing me of being controlling because of her ex). So long as she abides by that it’ll never be brought up by me again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NativeSon Posted February 7, 2020 Author Share Posted February 7, 2020 On 2/5/2020 at 12:51 AM, Mrin said: "Wow, I'm really glad my wife friended her ex boyfriend on Facebook. It really helped our marriage" said no married dude ever. Your response is both humorous and poignant. Perfect response! On 2/5/2020 at 12:51 AM, Mrin said: "Wow, I'm really glad my wife friended her ex boyfriend on Facebook. It really helped our marriage" said no married dude ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Connecting with an ex online when your spouse doesn't approve is not OK. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Well, friending an ex on Spacebook does not equal affair. Besides, people rarely get serious with an ex. They are exs for a reason. Yup, OP is being controlling. Telling the wife you are posting your issues on a forum is another mistake. Gosh, some of you people are just all over the place with your relationships like a train wreck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said: Gosh, some of you people are just all over the place with your relationships like a train wreck Different things work for different couples. All people are ultimately unique and, while there are certainly many commonalities, I've been very surprised over the latter half of my life at realizing just how different people can be and how different their LTRs can be. Some marriages are like sitting under blankets with your toes to the warm fire. Others are more like blowing up gas stations together. Surprisingly, both can sometimes work AND both can sometimes fail too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, mark clemson said: Some marriages are like sitting under blankets with your toes to the warm fire. Others are more like blowing up gas stations together. Surprisingly, both can sometimes work AND both can sometimes fail too. - This is true, but I like the fireplace relationship you describe more-better! Like I always say - it's better to be single than to be in a poor relationship. Edited February 9, 2020 by Fletch Lives 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 On 2/5/2020 at 11:50 AM, NativeSon said: When I found out I got really angry and kinda said she had to unfriend him or else it would be a problem. What do you mean by "kinda said"? Did you tell her there'd be consequences if she didn't do what you say or not? Sounds pretty controlling to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NativeSon Posted February 10, 2020 Author Share Posted February 10, 2020 On 2/8/2020 at 11:10 PM, basil67 said: What do you mean by "kinda said"? Did you tell her there'd be consequences if she didn't do what you say or not? Sounds pretty controlling to me. Yes, I was pretty angry but I actually went back and said less than 10 minutes later for her not to unfriend him, but she already had. The biggest issue is that she knows that I hate him and she didn’t want me to know, I only found out by accident. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Hmm. Well, by all means be nice to your wife. However, trying to hide contact is one sign (not the be-all/end-all definition) of an EA. On 2/7/2020 at 6:51 AM, NativeSon said: In general it’s strained right now. I suspect that the general strain contributed to her willingness to exercise her freedom and befriend him. Hmm. It sounds like she may be feeling down enough on the marriage that she's reaching out for emotional connections to others. My guess is it is important for you both to sit down, take a deep breath, and figure out some ways to work on your marriage. For example, MC or having very open and honest talks about how you (both) can improve things. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 2 hours ago, NativeSon said: Yes, I was pretty angry but I actually went back and said less than 10 minutes later for her not to unfriend him, but she already had. The biggest issue is that she knows that I hate him and she didn’t want me to know, I only found out by accident. Hate is a very strong word. I can imagine feeling insecure, uneasy, wary, protective....but hate? Along with your angry ultimatum, use of the word hate also makes me think that your wife is right to have concerns about you being controlling. When we have an issue with a partner, the best way to raise it.....without being controlling....is to do so in a manner which promotes conversation rather than accusation. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) i don't know if she intends to cheat on you. I don't think it's gotten to that point. but i do think the POINT is YOU. She did this to make a point to YOU. Everything she's done is about YOU. The whole point of the control is about YOU. That's actually a good thing, believe it or not, b/c the thing worse than a woman making you the target of her point is... not involving you at all. So take this time to talk to HER... ask her how she feels she's being controlled or manipluated, and then ask her how you can show her that you don't want to be. Open a dialogue with her, so she can know you are listening to her... THEN ask her how you felt when she accepted the friend request from a guy she knew you didn't want her to associate with b/c it felt like a disrespect of you,(which it was, but i think it was to prove a point to you)... mutual respect is important to a relationship. it goes both ways. consider it. so try try TRY to open a dialogue with her. it means you listen too. and she may listen to your grievances too. then perhaps you two may have a future together. don't do this, and this situation will fester out of control.. mebbe not today, mebbe not next week.. but it will. and it will poison your relationship. just remember. just b/c ur ready to reconcile or talk, doesn't mean she'll be in that place.. Edited February 10, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NativeSon Posted February 11, 2020 Author Share Posted February 11, 2020 3 hours ago, basil67 said: Hate is a very strong word. I can imagine feeling insecure, uneasy, wary, protective....but hate? Along with your angry ultimatum, use of the word hate also makes me think that your wife is right to have concerns about you being controlling. When we have an issue with a partner, the best way to raise it.....without being controlling....is to do so in a manner which promotes conversation rather than accusation. You’re correct HATE is a strong word. Let me explain. He is on his second marriage to an attractive woman and yet he tells my wife’s co-workers that my wife, not his ex-wife, broke his heart. Maybe I was being a little loose with the word but considering his past taunts and statements, yeh I don’t like him. The issue to me is that she knew I didn’t like him and she did it out of defiance. I could care less about any other guy friending her, I trust her. Just. Not. Him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NativeSon Posted February 11, 2020 Author Share Posted February 11, 2020 I see marriage as a relationship with boundaries that are set by and accepted by/agreed upon by both persons. Neither person is autonomous (unless that’s agreed upon). Single people are autonomous, married people owe their partner respect and their agreed upon boundaries respect. I learned from these responses and appreciated all of them even the ones I didn’t completely agree with. Alas, I’ve read enough... Link to post Share on other sites
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